Chapter Thirty: lost my breath now

Haven is an early teether and her first teeth start cutting through in late June. They don't have anything to put on her gums nor any teething toys so all Caroline and Nik can do is try to appease her with whatever they have, and that's never enough. Haven isn't a whiny baby by any means. She hardly cried in the first few weeks aside from when she was hungry and needed to be changed, so all in all she's a joy to have around. Not that she wouldn't be a joy, but if there were ever any chance of them ever being discovered, then it wouldn't be because of the baby.

The idea that they should try and leave the bunker pops up in conversation several times. Elijah, Nik, and Jeremy stay out longer on their scavenges, looking for some sign of human life anywhere. Just a sign. Anything. But every time they come back, their hands are empty and everything just gets a little more helpless.

"We're going to run out of supplies sooner than later," Elena whispers to Caroline as Jeremy climbs down the ladder, his backpack as empty as it was when they left. "At some point we're just going to have to leave."

Caroline bites her lip and holds Haven closer. "Yeah," she sighs. "Yeah I know."

Which only puts the cure back in her head and she knows how much Nik hates when she talks about it, because it is a bit hopeless. Right now, she doesn't really know why she believes in it anyway? Nothing ever gave her a reason to; she just believed that something good could come out of this fucked up situation.

Constantly thinking keeps Caroline up most nights. Haven sleeps soundly, rarely ever waking, and even if she does she just coos and plays with her feet. But Caroline tosses and turns, forcing herself to sleep, but far too wired to keep her eyes shut for longer than a minute.

"What are you thinking?"

Caroline turns and faces Nik, a small smile creeping onto her face. "I've never really been a fan of pillow talk."

"Hm. That makes too of us." But still, he smirks and turns to face her even though he can't really see her. "What is it?"

"You think we would've met if the apocalypse didn't happen?"

"That's what keeping you up?" Nik questions in disbelief. "Our chances of meeting? I doubt it."

"Just play along."

"Perhaps one day," Nik sighs. "Perhaps when Rebekah went off to university. And you went to exact same school."

"And I lived across the hall," Caroline adds to the story. "And on move in day we shared an elevator."

"Just the two of us. And you couldn't stop staring at me."

Caroline reaches over and punches him anywhere she can touch. "You couldn't stop staring at me. And eventually, right as the doors opened to the fifth floor, you introduced yourself and I melted."

"Easy," Nik adds.

"Oh shut up. I was a completely different person back then," Caroline brushes him off. "Anyway, Rebekah would have such a huge problem with it. Whenever we went out, she'd somehow be there and she'd always complain that you were smothering her because you were at school just about everyday."

"Me, a smotherer. Imagine that…"

"You smother," Caroline says matter-of-factly. "You smother and you don't even know it. You'd—"

"Get back to the game, would you?" Nik says tiredly because Caroline's made up her mind about him being a smotherer—whatever that is—and he's not going to waste precious sleeptime hours arguing about it.

"Anyway," Caroline sighs and sits back in the bed, folding her arms across her chest, "we decide that you should only visit on the weekends because it's getting in the way of my studies, but when you do visit and the few hours we spend together, you take me anywhere. We drive…and sometimes that's all we'll do. The windows are down and it smells like crap because we're going through country, but sometimes you'll just…look over. You'll look over and I think about how I can picture doing this for the rest of our lives.

"And eventually Rebekah and I become friends because it's looking more and more like I'm sticking around for good. And then when I graduate you propose and I cry about it for days after the fact because wow I'm not second best."

"Caroline—"

"Ah ah. Don't interrupt," she scolds. "We don't want a long engagement so we get married, like, two months after. Which, mind you, is completely against my entire existence because that's hardly enough time for planning, but it's a small ceremony and only about thirty people are there. It's on a beach in…California. And we travel all over the world for a month during our honeymoon, Paris is our first destination and we dance all night under the Eiffel Tower. Then Rome and then Tokyo then New Zealand." And then every single location in the world, and eventually maybe they'd settle down in a small town in England or something—in the countryside where there would be fields of emerald and they'd live in…in a castle! And their kids, two girls and one boy, would be princesses and a prince. It'd be like a Disney movie.

Sure, it sounds like a perfect dream. It is a perfect dream. It may even have been reality at one point. Anything seemed to be possible now, but in this moment, Caroline wouldn't trade her reality for all the castles in the world. Because even with all the loss, even with all the heartache and tears along the way, she knows how grateful she is to have made it this far. And all of it because of Nik…and herself, too. Mostly herself because Caroline's fucking awesome.

Caroline turns over to her side and huddles closer to Nik, resting her head between his shoulder and neck and just breathes. "I love you," she sighs, sleepily. "And Haven. So much."

Nik gives her a strange look.

"We don't say it enough," she explains and Nik kisses her, short and sweet and then again and again and again and Caroline soon learns just how much she is loved.

Elijah, Nik, and Jeremy are gearing up to go hunting again. It's late August, it's hot as hell, and the infected seem to be on high alert. Just the other week it was almost a close call trying to get back to the bunker. A horde of them seemed to come out of nowhere, but luckily they weren't moving that fast so they could still get away without them being able to be tracked or followed. The three of them didn't tell any of the women, even though Rebekah had her suspicions. Usually, she'd go out with them, but she had contracted some type of bug and was permitted from leaving her bed unless to go to the bathroom, because the last thing they needed was some type of sickness spreading around the bunker when they didn't even have that much medicine.

"Be careful," Elena tells Jeremy, fixing the collar of his plaid button down. "Stay with them and watch your step."

Jeremy drops his head in exasperation. "I'm not a kid, Elena. I've done this dozens of times."

Elena smiles sadly. He is still a kid though and the fact that he's done this dozens of times isn't the least bit reassuring. One slip up and…well…

"Just promise me you'll be careful." She hugs him tight and Jeremy promises. Rebekah's still ill, although slightly better, so he yells his goodbyes and then he's out the door, the metal closing behind the trio. Elijah always leads and they keep a ten foot distance between them at all times, so Jeremy is roughly twenty feet from the eldest Mikaelson. They never really find much on these hunts. Maybe a few rabbits or squirrels (and squirrel is disgusting but you won't hear anyone complaining because food is food), but anything bigger is trying to win the lottery.

The only time Jeremy can remember actually getting a deer was probably one of the first times they went out. Back then, there were plenty of wildlife like that out here, but now animals are scarce. If he had to guess, there might be three deer left in this entire forest, and they might not even be bucks. There's always a shred of disappointment that casts over his sister's and Caroline's eyes when they come back with anything less than a deer, but it always disappears almost as quickly as it came and they're back to overreacting because of a stupid rabbit as if it's the best thing in the entire world. He knows they just do it so him, Elijah, and Nik don't feel bad about not finding shit, but it doesn't help. Actually, it just makes it worse. And what are they going to do when the baby starts eating real food? She won't need as much as the rest of them, but still. That's yet another mouth to feed and yet another person to inevitably disappoint. Maybe they should just leave. He would suggest it, but no one ever listens to him. And even if they did, they'd just call him a kid and forget about it. At least Caroline has some say, but she doesn't fight hard enough for it. Maybe she's stopped believing in something being out there, too. Who knows…

Elijah and Nik stop walking abruptly and Jeremy's so lost in his thoughts he walks right into Nik, and just gets a string of swears directed towards him as chastisement.

"What is it?" Jeremy whispers, looking in every direction, through the trees. He sees nothing, but follows Nik and Elijah's gaze to a heavily area filled with shrubbery and then…right there is that golden opportunity of a buck. Just standing there, waiting. He swears it looks at him, makes eye contact, read his thoughts.

"What are you waiting for?" he asks Elijah harshly, because he's the one with the bow and arrow, courtesy of Rebekah's handy craft making skills.

"I do not have a clear shot," Elijah says quietly. "And lower your voice."

Like hell he doesn't have a clear shot. Jeremy could make that with his eyes closed. Elijah's just being super cautious when it's not warranted. There are no stragglers around. There is no need to act this slowly when their chance is right there, waiting for them to take it.

Jeremy doesn't even think before he does it, but he rushes past Nik and disarms the bow from Elijah's hands and takes several arrows, loading one into the bow and firing, missing by several feet. He didn't aim high enough so it disappears into a bush and the buck runs off, Jeremy running right after it. Nik and Elijah shout after him, tell him to stop because they've never trekked over there before. All of their paths have been cut through, and there is a thin trail of dirt where their feet have continuously traveled upon, but Jeremy has ventured into uncharted territory.

The buck stops running and Jeremy does as well, loading in another arrow and this time hitting it in the hind left leg. The arrow sticks, but the bucks continues to race away, if only a little more slowly. Jeremy can still hear Nik and Elijah calling after him, faintly, but he can't see them or hear them navigating through the bush any longer. He's so close to getting this stupid deer. So close to bringing back something that'll make his sister proud and maybe finally actually trust him to be a man and not a kid, and then maybe he can convince them they need to leave because it's just only going to get worse the longer they stay here.

The buck stops again, his leg obviously irritated, but Jeremy shoots again, hitting the abdomen and how is this thing still alive? The animal is fighting for its life, even though it's clearly on its way out from all the blood that's being lost. Jeremy is tired, so tired of chasing after this damn deer and Elijah and Nik are nowhere in earshot. He can find his way back though. If he can only get—

The pain shoots through him like a thousand knives stabbing him on every single centimeter of his body and he collapses, screaming out in agony as a bear trap is clamped down on his leg. He can feel that the bone has been shattered, see the blood soaking through his jeans and dripping down the sides of the trap. It makes his dizzy, and he should be quiet, but he can't stop screaming. He can't pull it apart. It hurts, god it hurts. If he can just get it apart and get his leg and foot out then…no, it's no use. He can't do it. It won't even budge. And once he lets go, the trap feels like it has somehow gotten even tighter. If it had just cut straight through his leg it probably would've been better, but now he can't even move. He can just scream for help and pray that they can find him, because if they don't…if they don't…

All this for a stupid fucking deer. Maybe he is a kid.

"What if we got married?"

Elena looks up from the floor where she's currently playing with Haven. The baby babbles on, swearing she's talking to Elena about something or other in that baby speak of googoo-gaga, which Elena didn't actually think was a thing babies say but is actually very true.

"You and Nik?" Elena asks incredulously. "Who would marry you?"

Caroline shrugs and tugs hair behind her ears before leaning over the counter. "I don't know. Elijah? Is he certified?"

"How am I supposed to know?"

"Maybe because you're sleeping with him?"

Elena's eyes grow wide. "I am not! God, Caroline. We've barely even kissed. Where would we even have room to do anything?"

A sly grin spreads across Caroline's face. "Those beds can fit two. It'd be snug, but it isn't as if you'd be side-by-side…"

"With my brother and his sister in the same room? If Bonnie were here, she'd—"

"—agree with me, and you know it."

Oh, Bonnie. Suddenly the mood is sad. They like to think that Bonnie and Stefan are fine. It was only the two of them after all, and in that big place they were perfectly safe. They're fine. They have to be.

"But marriage," Elena starts up again. "What made you think of that?"

The truth is that Caroline has been thinking about it for a while. If anything ever happened to one of them, then she at least wanted to have his last name. Caroline Mikaelson had such a nice ring to it, she thought. It sounded so…so pristine. So regal. As if regalities meant anything nowadays, but still. It was a nice name and to think that she was married even in the state of things made it all seem less shitty to a degree. They were practically married anyway, though. They sure as hell argue like a married couple, but even those are nothing compared to what they've put each other through.

"I just think it'd be nice," Caroline sighs. "Maybe it's stupid. Sorry."

Her friend frowns and gets up, picking up Haven and cradling her in her arms. "I don't think it's stupid, Care. I think it's great. You should totally do it. We could all use a little happiness and a wedding might just be the thing we need. You should say something when they get back."

A wedding. Caroline can't even imagine a wedding in this place. Maybe if she acts desperate enough they can at least do it upstairs in the gas station, but she's not going to be picky. She's going to get married and what is there to be mad about? Nothing.

Time stands still and Jeremy is losing a lot of blood. There is a small pool in the grass beneath his leg and Nik and Elijah still haven't found him. His screams have gotten quieter, he thinks, but he's just so tired. He doesn't really know what else to do. He wants to sleep for a few minutes. If he can just shut his eyes and drift off, but he might not wake up. He has to stay awake. He's not dying here. Not like this. He has to die protecting Elena or Rebekah or even Caroline. Caroline was his ex-wife, since like he was 5. He has to die protecting someone because then this will be just so pointless. It'll be pointless just like when Vicky overdosed because that could've been prevented. This could've been prevented.

His parents' deaths were pointless too. They were good people. They didn't deserve to drown in a fucking lake. He can't even imagine what would've happened if he'd lost Elena that day too. Is drowning worse than overdosing? Is overdosing worse than dying of blood loss? He thinks this might be more painful. But who is measuring pain? Death is death. It's not a contest. The best he can do is try to ignore it until it happens, which won't be very long.

He might go to sleep for a few minutes, or maybe it's an hour. He doesn't know. He can't hear anything, and his vision is blurry. Everything is slow. Nik and Elijah are here and Nik has his back turned, his shoulders positioned so he must be holding his gun. And if he's holding his gun then that must be those things are here and it'll be only a few minutes before this is over and he can sleep some more. Maybe he can sleep right now…

Elijah yells for Jeremy to open his eyes, and he opens them but only for a second or two before they close again. Shit! He's lost a lot of blood already and even if they were to somehow get him out of the trap, the chances of him even making it back to the bunker are miniscule, especially since they'd both have to carry him and there are at least over a dozen zombies coming at them and they're fast.

Nik fires a few times, before dropping his aim and looking back at Elijah.

"We have to leave," he says, and usually he wouldn't let his emotions show, but this is upsetting even for him. "There is no way we can escape with him."

"I know," Elijah agrees but still tries to pry the trap open. "He's going to start seizing soon and there's nothing we can do after that. We don't…we don't have the proper…"

He chokes off and drops his hands, willing himself not to look at Jeremy, who's unconscious. What, he's only seventeen? What has he done to warrant such a terrible death? He's a child. What will he tell that girl? That girl who trusted him to protect her brother all those times and then this time he couldn't? What will he tell that girl who's seen her parents die before her eyes and have him, her eldest brother, just abandon her after all that? What will he tell them?

"Should I or you?" Nik asks, cautiously. They have to go soon. Really soon, and the only way to spare Jeremy from turning is to…

It feels like Jeremy's just asleep, but it seems so final.

It's seven in the morning and it's the first day of school. Elena and his mom are making pancakes. He can smell them from his bedroom, so he practically jumps out of bed and dashes into Elena's room, where she's still huddled under the covers of her princess bed. Jeremy jumps on the bed up and down several times before Elena wakes up and just decides to join him, her hair hitting him in the face. They're both giggling and then Miranda calls them downstairs for breakfast.

"Get your pillow," Elena instructs. "Get your big pillow and meet me at the steps!"

Jeremy runs back to his room and retrieves the giant green pillow, where the insides are prone to falling out. He knows what Elena has planned. She only does this on special days, because she says that if you do it all the time it gets boring. Today counts as a special day, he guesses, because he's going to school for the first time ever!

When he comes out the bedroom, Elena is at the top of the stairs in her nightgown and hair in a ponytail. She's practically floating in excitement.

"Okay, you can sit in front this time," she says as she takes the pillow and sets it up at the top of the stairs. "But you have to steer us or we'll crash and it might hurt a lot. Got it?"

Jeremy nods his head quickly, too excited to even care. Elena's never let him ride in the front before. He sits at the front of the pillow, folds his leg and holds onto the ends of the pillowcase. Elena sits behind him, starting the countdown to three before she pushes them off from the steps. They both scream on the way down and Jeremy carefully guides away from the wall and the railing and soon enough they're on the first floor and it's over. Elena gets up first, beaming from ear to ear and offers a hand to Jeremy, and he graciously accepts.

"Not too bad," she says as they make their way to the kitchen. "Maybe I'll let you do it again. Maybe."

Jeremy punches her in the arm and she punches him right back. Miranda tells them to get in here and eat or they'll be late for the bus. Their mom is so pretty. Jeremy doesn't think that anyone could be so beautiful and maybe when Elena grows up she'll look like her too and maybe Jeremy will look like his dad. Maybe he'll be a doctor too and Elena can…well, Elena will probably try to be a princess, but he doesn't think that girls suddenly just become princesses. She'll try though, and if he can, he'll help her. Because Elena is the—

Elijah pulls the trigger and Nik looks away. It's too much. It's like the boy was put down like a dog. Like when he put down Mikael.

"We, uh, we have to leave," Elijah says, his voice back to normal, but Nik can tell it's forced. Elijah takes the bow and arrows from the ground and they start to go back the way they came. At least this way, he won't come back. At least this way there is no chance of him hurting anyone. It's better this way, but it's seems so disgusting. It is disgusting.

The walk back to the bunker is one of silence and absolute dread. The last thing either of the brothers wants to talk about is exactly how they're going to explain this to the other three. But they might not even have to. Once they see that Jeremy is nowhere to be seen, the rest is self-explanatory. But still, Jeremy deserves an explanation. He deserves that much. He did what he thought was the right thing to do for the group. So, yes, in a way, he sacrificed himself for the group, but it sure doesn't feel like it.

Two knocks, a pause, and then another knock on the door signal that it's them. If Elijah were being honest with himself, he'd rather no one ever came to the door then have to face any of them. Caroline is the one to answer the door, and she's smiling and welcoming. She opens her arms to invite his brother in and he accepts. If he holds her tighter than usual, then she doesn't notice.

"Where's Jeremy?" she asks innocently, looking over Nik's shoulder and out into the forest, as if she is expecting him to be right there. She tries to pull away but Nik doesn't let her. "Where's Jeremy?" she asks again, more frantic this time. She tugs and pulls, but Nik refuses to let her out of his arms. "Where is he?" Caroline screams and suddenly Elena is in the room too and silently her life begins to fall apart around her once more and there is nothing she can do to stop it.

"You're lying," Caroline begins to sob. "You're…you're fucking lying! Where is he?"

"I'm so sorry," Elijah offers slowly. "I…we…Elena, I—"

But Elena walks away. She doesn't cry. She just walks away and gathers up Haven from where she was playing, and rocks her in her arms. Haven looks up at her and smiles, the dimples in her cheeks more prominent than ever before, and Elena doesn't cry.

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A/N: Thanks for sticking with me even though I'm kind of terrible. Also just realized TFD was nominated for a Klaroline award like over a month ago? Thanks to whoever nominated/voted for TFD. That was really sweet :) Also sorry for any typos and such.