THIS IS *NOT* A NEW STORY. Fanfiction took this down because my summary included the word B***h (sigh) which is in the title of episode 3.20. This is a comic story; make sure to read the warnings below. Engage sense of humor now.

TITLE: Cowboy Up (1/1)
AUTHOR: Vanessagalore
CHARACTERS: Piz, Duncan, ensemble.
PAIRING: Punkin'. [Think about it.]
[No, seriously, I'm not kidding.]
WORD COUNT: 4,201.
RATING: NC-17 (please see warnings).
SUMMARY: About six months after the events of 3.20, Duncan comes back to town and meets Piz. Complications ensue.
SPOILERS: All of Veronica Mars is spoiled.
WARNINGS: Cursing, graphic sex, and perversion. Slash, dubcon, and alcohol abuse. This fic is intended for readers over 17. Sense of humor required.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own any rights to Veronica Mars. This story is written as a tribute only. No celebrity endorsement is implied by product placements. No intended disrespect to any gay persons. This fic written for comic purposes only.

Beta'd by poniesforall, minip, and dragynflies. Any errors at this point are my responsibility.

•••••••Please read this warning before you proceed•••••••

What has been read, cannot be unread. However, if you hated Veronica in season three for even a few minutes, you may like this fic. This is not a part of the YLD universe, by any stretch of the imagination.

Piz looked around the room; the party was in full swing. All in attendance had a drink in hand, and a caterer had been passing around trays of hors d'oeuvres. Everyone from Neptune High School who still lived in Neptune seemed to have stopped by Duncan Kane's suite at the Neptune Grand Hotel to celebrate his successful amnesty petition. Wallace had dragged him along against his better judgment ("free food, rich people's booze; you're a college kid on a scholarship, how can you say no?") and had quickly introduced him to Caz Truman, Ashley Banks, and John Enbom, who were partying as if it was their own freedom that was just gained by a bunch of suits negotiating down at the Balboa County Courthouse.

Piz noticed Logan's old friend Dick Casablancas standing by the bar, accompanied by two hot chicks from Theta Beta, who seemed to be unfazed by Dick's love-em-and-leave-em reputation. Mac, who had arrived shortly after he and Wallace had gotten there, had pointed out that Carrie Bishop and Casey Gant, two other wealthy Neptune High School alums, had even come down from Los Angeles for the celebration. Piz tried to remember all the names for about a minute, before deciding to concentrate on stuffing as much as possible of the free food and beer down his throat and then getting the hell out of there.

And of course Logan and Veronica, still dewy-eyed and rosy-cheeked from resuming their on-again, off-again (ad nauseum) affair, were here. Veronica had convinced Wallace and Mac that the party would be fun despite the abundance of '09ers sure to be in attendance, and Wallace, pretty sure that this wouldn't be the laugh riot that Veronica had promised, had dragged along his long-suffering roommate, Stosh "Piz" Piznarski.

FLASHBACK: Veronica knocked on the door of Wallace's and Piz's dorm room. Wallace took one look at her face and gathered his books. "Yo, Stosh, see you later."

"Don't call me that," Piz retorted. "Especially in front of my girlfriend, dude." Wallace saluted and left before the bloodletting could start.

"We need to talk," Veronica said as she walked into the room and sat down on the bed.

"Oh wow. Not my most favorite expression. No good can come of those four words, in my experience."

Veronica avoided looking directly at him. Hesitantly, she began. "It's not you. It's me. You're a great guy, Piz."

"But?"

"I have this thing with Logan. It doesn't make sense. On paper, he's completely wrong for me. I mean, bum fights, motel fires? And the guy obviously has a drinking problem, and...issues with anger. But..." her voice trailed off.

"It's always the bad boys," Piz replied. "I swear, I'm going to cheat on my next girlfriend. Or at least throw up in her lap after I deck a complete stranger in a bar."

"Piz, no!" she protested.

"Yeah, well, you're like the third girl who dumped me for a boy who treated her like crap."

"He did not treat me like crap!" she said defensively. "It's just...it's complicated with us."

"Right. I get it. He beat up your boyfriend for no reason, but he gets a pass because then he beat up another guy for you."

"I was–" She stopped short, realizing there was no way this would end well. "I'm sorry I hurt you, Piz. I didn't mean to. You're a nice guy who deserves better."

Six months later, Piz reflected that it hurt a little bit less these days when he saw them walking arm-in-arm through the Hearst courtyard. Veronica looked happy; in fact, she looked sickeningly happy with him. And Logan seemed to have reformed. No more drinking, no more gambling; he appeared to be attending class and in general was being a model boyfriend. For now.

It made Piz nauseous, to tell the truth. Jackass, he thought. And a jackass-loving delusional bi– He sighed loudly and corrected himself. Even after the way she treated me–like a used Kleenex–she's a babe, a total freakin' babe.

One time, he saw them in the food court, sharing a long french fry à la "Lady and the Tramp". The image of the subsequent sloppy kiss, complete with groping and dreamy expressions, was burned onto his retinas. And Wallace just shrugged when he complained about it.

He was staring at them across the crowded room, watching as she made sure that some part of her body was touching his at all times, when a good-looking guy walked up to him and held out his hand. Another good-looking guy? How the fuck is a regular guy supposed to get any in this town?

"Duncan Kane," the stranger said.

"Oh hey, you're the guy. I'm Piz. I'm Wallace's roommate. Sorry to crash your party. Uh...I guess, congratulations." Piz shook Duncan's hand.

"Thanks. No worries about crashing, there's plenty of food and drink. Hey...you want another beer?"

"Yeah, thanks."

Duncan returned with two cups and handed one to Piz. "I'm really not supposed to drink, but how many times in your life do you get amnesty for kidnapping?"

"Uh, hopefully only once, I guess," Piz replied, wondering why Duncan wasn't supposed to drink. The guy seemed a little tipsy, but nothing worse than what you saw at most Hearst fraternity parties. Piz touched his glass to Duncan's, muttering, "Here's to amnesty."

Across the room, Veronica laughed loudly at something Logan said, and Logan turned to her and caressed her face gently. She looked up at him adoringly. Piz made a moue of disgust at the sight, and Duncan snorted convivially. "They are out of control, aren't they?"

"She was actually cupping his groin before! In public! There's PDA, and then there's porn. Were they always like that?" Piz asked aggrievedly.

Duncan turned to Piz in surprise. "Oh, you don't know."

"Know what?" Piz said distractedly as he watched as Veronica reach around and grab Logan's ass. Logan pretended to grab her hand in anger before pulling her palm to his lips for a sloppy kiss, and Piz winced at the traumatic sight.

Duncan explained, "Veronica is the love of my life. She was my girlfriend first, before she ever went out with Logan."

A couple hours later, the party had mostly died down. Mac had apparently left shortly after she got there. Most of the other guests had left, but Dick, shot down by the two sorority girls, had started a drinking game with Caz and Casey in the corner. An occasional roar was heard over the loud music, accompanied by shouts of 'drink'!

Piz and Duncan were seated on the couch, talking. "So, you really gave her a gold fortune cookie with the message, 'True love stories never have endings'?" Piz shook his head. "I never had a chance with you niners doing all that romantic crap."

"Oh-niners," Duncan corrected.

"Did she ever let you go on a stakeout with her?"

"Well, one time we broke into a house together."

"Damn. She never even told me about any of her cases," Piz said.

They stared into space for awhile, thinking about Veronica.

Suddenly, Piz said, "So what do you think it is? Why does she love him so much? Does he have a big dick or something? Tell me he doesn't have a big dick."

"Actually..." Duncan hedged, "Actually, he is pretty big. I've known him since kindergarten. It's not just length, he's also...you know...girth."

"Damn." Piz brightened as he realized something. "But he's probably not so great in bed. You know what they say, about small guys trying harder..."

Duncan was shaking his head. "No. My sister said he was very talented."

"Your sister?"

"Yeah, Logan was going out with her when I was dating Veronica. And when they went all the way–"

"Wait...your sister told you about having sex with your friend?"

Duncan shrugged. "Lilly wasn't very shy. And she told me everything. She liked to shock people. Apparently, Logan's good with his tongue."

Piz winced and sipped at his beer, trying to understand these insane people who were Veronica's high school friends. In Beaverton, the most exciting thing that happened was the football team almost winning the conference championship. Here in Neptune, murder, kidnapping, and adultery seemed to be par for the course. And that didn't even take in account all the underage sex that was apparently going on in high school–obviously damned good sex ('tongue!'). It's not like Piz would have been afraid to try anything with her, but...seriously, he wished women came with a GPS, or at least a really good map.

Dick, Caz, and Casey walked up to Duncan. Dick said, "So, great party, dude. Good to have you back. Sorry about that whole ex-girlfriend-mother-of-your-lovechild dying stuff. I don't know if you heard, the senior class got the prom canceled, but we had this totally bitchin' alterna-prom instead. Epic, if you know what I mean."

"I didn't actually hear about prom, Dick. Or care about it, for that matter."

Dick gestured nonchalantly, not paying attention. "Yeah, whatever. Do you want to go shredding with us? We're heading down to Cabo this weekend. It hasn't been the same without you."

"Well, you know, I am a full-time father now, Dick. I don't know how much surfing there is in my future."

"Isn't that what the hot nanny is for? I'm just saying. Anyways...you're out of beer, so...this party's kind of over now, and we're going to move on. Later, bro."

Casey and Caz gave halfhearted waves, muttering their congratulations, and Duncan said, "Thanks for coming. It was nice to see you guys."

Piz stood up as the other guys walked out of the suite, realizing that everyone had left the party. "I guess I'll be going, too."

"No, stay. I have more booze; it's just hidden so people like Dick can't find it." Duncan walked over to the bar and opened a cabinet with a concealed latch. "Scotch okay?"

"Yeah, I guess," Piz agreed.

"You know, I guess I want to know what it was like for her while I was away," Duncan said, as he poured two large drinks.

"Yeah, well, I was just a blip on her radar screen," Piz said bitterly. "She was still in love with Logan the whole time. I don't get it."

"You do know that he rescued her from being killed by a psychopath?"

"What?"

"Yeah, she figured out who was behind the bus crash, and the guy was going to throw her off the roof of this hotel." Duncan pointed to the ceiling.

"And Logan saved her?"

"Yeah." Duncan, puzzled, asked, "How long did you guys go out? She didn't tell you what happened with Beaver? I mean, I knew about it, and I was out of the country."

"We went out for a couple months. We never really talked, I guess."

Duncan explained exactly what had happened up on the roof, and Piz looked shocked.

Piz swore, "Shit. No wonder she went back to him. I mean, it's like a friggin' romance novel, with the hero rushing in on a white horse to save the damsel in distress. There's no way..."

"There's no way you could compete with that," Duncan agreed, nodding. "Although, I have to say, I–" he began, before thinking better of it.

"What?"

Duncan glanced at Piz. He sighed and explained. "You know Logan's father is Aaron Echolls, right?"

"Of course, everybody knows that," Piz said matter-of-factly.

"And you know that he killed my sister?"

"Wait, your hot-to-trot sister is..."

"Yeah. My sister was Veronica's best friend. So, of course Veronica solved that mystery too, and then Aaron tried to kill Veronica to prevent her from telling anyone."

"But didn't something happen...he got acquitted or something, right?" Piz said, remembering.

"He was acquitted, because he planted evidence that pointed to me...acquitted of all charges. He wasn't even convicted of assaulting Veronica. She had a bruise on her face for weeks, and her dad was in the hospital with second-degree burns, and that guy got off scot-free."

"I always liked Mr. Mars," Piz says wistfully.

"Yeah, me too. He was pretty cool when we were going out. Anyways." Duncan leaned over and whispered, "I had Aaron assassinated."

"What!"

"I'll deny it if you say a word."

"No...I won't say anything!" Piz promised. "This is incredible."

"Yeah, I wasn't going to let him get away with what he did to my sister and my girlfriend. You know, Aaron's lawyers somehow found out that Veronica had a sexually transmitted disease and brought it out at the trial to discredit her testimony. What an evil fuck."

Veronica had an STD? Shit...dodged a bullet on that one! "Does Logan know? Not about the STD...I mean, about you killing his dad?" Piz asked curiously.

"No one knows. Just the guy who did it for me...and now you."

"You never told Veronica?"

"I was on the run from the feds. I couldn't contact her. I don't know if she ever suspected it. The guy I used was a professional; there was no evidence, and no one was ever arrested. It helps that the Neptune sheriff was completely incompetent, and I think Mr. Mars left it alone. He was probably happy that Aaron was dead."

Piz was having a hard time assimilating all this. "You did this for her."

"Well, partly. Mostly I was trying to correct a 'miscarriage of justice'."

"You've got to tell her."

Duncan shook his head. "It's bad enough I asked her to help when I–" He glanced at Piz, who hadn't picked up on the implication. He quickly amended, "It's better if no one ever knows. Do me a favor and forget this, okay?"

Piz drained his drink. He tried to stand up and then immediately regretted it. "Whoa. I think I drank too much."

"You can crash here if you want."

"Yeah, well, my ride abandoned me," Piz explained, thinking about Wallace, who had left with the two sorority sisters after they dumped Dick. "It's not fair."

"What's not fair?"

"He's got all that money, and apparently he's got a monster cock to go with it. It's not fair."

Duncan laughed. "Well, you know, maybe I'm wrong about his dick. Show me what you got."

"What, are you fucking kidding me?"

"No, come on. ¿Quién es màs macho?" Duncan reached for his zipper.

Piz thought, We're really doing this?

Duncan said, "On three. One, two, three."

They whipped them out. Piz giggled, slightly nervous. Neptune's fucking weird. And I'm drunk as hell.

Duncan looked over at Piz and said, "I think I got an inch on you."

"Oh bullshit. Besides, I'm a grower, not a shower."

"Oh, did Veronica tell you that? Because girls always say that when they're trying to reassure you."

"We never–" Piz stopped short.

"You never? You went out for two months and–"

"Yeah, I'm a nice guy! It's not like we didn't do anything."

Duncan asked, "What did you do?"

Piz said defensively, "Well, Veronica did a cheer for me, topless."

"Ooh," Duncan remarked. "Practically Caligula, dude."

"Fuck you." Piz started to zip up, and Duncan put a hand on his arm.

"Did you ever...you know...wonder what it was like?"

"What?" Piz tried to shake Duncan's hand off his arm.

Duncan took himself in hand and began to stroke up and down. "Like...there's no way a girl would know, the way I know how to touch myself. Did you ever...?" he said, glancing at Piz, his hand keeping a steady smooth rhythm on his cock.

It was like watching a particularly compelling car wreck. Piz couldn't tear his eyes away from Duncan's assured hand. He realized that Duncan had asked a question, and he hurried to answer it. "No, definitely not. Wait...you have?"

"Well, there was that one time when Logan was really drunk. The lights were out, and he thought I was Lilly. I was just going to fuck with his head, but then–"

"Oh man, you people are sick." Piz knew he should be jumping off the couch and leaving, but the room was spinning uncontrollably, and it actually was kind of cool watching Duncan's hand sliding up and down his gradually hardening cock.

Duncan added, "And there was that one time in Thailand...I could have sworn that was a girl. But...apparently not." He reached over with his other hand and touched Piz's penis gently.

"Whoa. I think I want you to stop that," Piz said nervously. I really don't like how good that feels!

"You think, or you know?" Duncan leaned over and whispered into Piz's ear. "Don't you want to find out what mine feels like? Come on."

Timidly, Piz reached for Duncan. Duncan guided his hand until Piz began to stroke of his own accord.

Duncan threw his head back, enjoying the sensations, and truth be told, a little excited to be screwing with this guy. "Yeah... See what I mean? There's no way a girl would know how to do this." He tightened his hand just the right amount on Piz's cock. In a low voice, he added, "And think how much it would piss off Veronica. Imagine if she walked in right now."

In a strangled voice, Piz replied, "Ye-eah. Fuck." He tried to duplicate Duncan's actions for a few moments, until he had a disturbing thought. "Wait, this doesn't mean we're–"

"Relax. We're teenagers. Right? I'm nineteen, you're nineteen?" When Piz nodded, Duncan added, "Everyone knows teens experiment with their sexuality."

"Yeah, well, this is never going to happen again."

"Right. Never again," Duncan agreed. He turned his head and stared at Piz.

Piz became aware of Duncan's gaze and swiveled to look at the other boy. "What?" Duncan leaned in and kissed him, and Piz was so startled that his mouth slackened, allowing Duncan's tongue easy entrance.

Piz mumbled, "Brerrd."

Duncan pulled away. "What?"

"Beard. So that's what Veronica was bitching about."

"Bitch, bitch, bitch," Duncan agreed.

"Exactly. Why can't they just lay back and enjoy it?" Piz giggled drunkenly.

"I don't know, why can't you?" Duncan replied. He sat up and pushed Piz onto his back underneath him.

Okay, this is not getting any less weird, Piz thought. Duncan's blue eyes were focused on his face, and his hand was still stroking Piz. Piz said, "You really had a guy killed?"

"Uh-huh. He needed to be killed," Duncan replied. He kissed Piz again, grasping Piz's cock strongly.

"Ng-ah eedng herr," Piz said. Duncan released him and he repeated, "What are we doing here?"

"Whatever you want. Whatever feels good. I'm sick of being alone; aren't you?" Duncan responded.

"Yeah, I know," Piz agreed. Tentatively, he put his hand under the hem of Duncan's shirt and caressed his back. Muscles, he thought. This guy's pretty strong. Hey, at least I know where everything is with this guy. No map necessary.

Duncan began to kiss a line under Piz's jaw, ending at his ear lobe. He delicately swiped his tongue against Piz's ear, and Piz squirmed and closed his eyes as his cock jumped uncontrollably.

"Fuck, I was always trying to get Veronica to do that," Piz admitted.

"What else did you want her to do?" Duncan asked. He sat up and removed his shirt, taking his time unbuttoning before lying back down next to Piz. He touched Piz's penis gently, all of a sudden teasing, and Piz ached with the torment of Duncan's hand.

Piz stared at the boy's firm chest. Say it. He lay there silently, unable to speak.

Duncan looked at him. "Well?" he said leadingly. "Maybe you wanted her to get between your legs and take you in her mouth?" He pushed up off the couch and got down to kneel beside it.

Piz followed his movements with his eyes, watching as the other boy positioned himself quite close to his crotch. "Yeah, I, uh, never could have said that to her." He sat up, keeping his gaze on the other boy. This is not gay. This is not gay! Actually, it's all Veronica's fault. No, it's that douchebag Logan, it's his fault. Veronica and I could have been so happy together, I know it. Just because this feels good, doesn't mean it's gay. I'm not gay.

Duncan tugged at the waistband on Piz's jeans and shorts, pulling them over Piz's hips and letting the material gather at his feet. He leaned forward and touched just the tip of his tongue to Piz's throbbing cock.

"Oh shit. Whoa," Piz muttered incomprehensibly as Duncan took his member in his mouth. Duncan grasped his cock strongly and began to work his fist as he sucked; Piz quickly lost the ability to speak and gave himself over to the sensations of Duncan's firm hand and wet mouth.

It didn't take long under Duncan's expert hands, which kind of made Piz wonder a little bit.

Duncan stood up, kicked off his shoes, and removed the rest of his clothes. Piz, still slightly stunned, allowed him to maneuver them side-by-side on the couch. Duncan nuzzled Piz again, unerringly hitting that sweet spot on his ear that Veronica never seemed to be able to find.

Piz began to relax against Duncan; the warm body holding him was the first time he had felt loved since Veronica had cut out his heart so callously. Fuck her. Duncan began to caress Piz's ass, and damn,if it didn't feel really good.

Suddenly, he felt...no way...he's not... "Uh, what the...what the hell is that?"

"It's my finger. Does it feel good?"

"Exactly what are you doing?" Piz's voice rose in anxiety.

"Don't you want to, you know, make me happy in return? You just need to relax, it's going to feel good." Duncan's hard penis slipped between Piz's legs, and every one of Piz's muscles clenched compulsively.

Piz wriggled, trying to get away, but Duncan had his weight holding him down. Anxiously, Piz protested, "You know, THAT is not going to fit in there. There's no way. Just forget it."

"You just need to relax," Duncan said soothingly. "We could find some lube."

"No way! The chocolate highway is closed; it's not going to happen." Piz pushed against Duncan, who held on tightly.

"Shh. It's going to be fine. We'll feel really good."

"I said no! Get that finger out of there if you don't want to lose it." Piz's nervousness finally gave him the courage to push Duncan off the couch. He stood up and grabbed his clothes and hurried into the bathroom.

Duncan sighed heavily. It wasn't his ideal scenario, but his loneliness the past two years had taken a toll, and he was looking for comfort wherever he could find it these days. He pulled on his slacks, hoping that Piz wasn't too upset.

As he buttoned his shirt and put his shoes back on, he thought about telling Veronica what he had done to avenge her and Lilly. She had always looked at him as a safe, easy boyfriend...a boy who would never hurt her, but who would also never risk his life and freedom in such a bold way. He thought when he made the decision to kidnap his daughter that she might look at him differently, but somehow her disappointment in him was always stronger than her admiration for his stepping up to do the right thing. There's no satisfying Veronica, and I thought Piz at least might understand that.

Piz emerged hesitantly from the bathroom.

Duncan said quietly, "I'm sorry, man. I'm just lonely. I miss her."

Someone knocked on the door before Piz could answer. Piz rushed to tuck in his shirt and put on his shoes before Duncan answered the door.

Veronica barged in, sure of herself as always. "Hey, I lost an earring." Logan, a step behind, followed her into the room. Veronica walked over to the window where she and Logan had been holding court earlier in the evening. They searched the floor until Veronica jumped up with a satisfied expression. "Found it!" She turned to Logan and said, "See, I told you."

"Yes, snookums," he replied indulgently.

Duncan and Piz exchanged a glance.

Veronica, suddenly aware that the party had ended, said curiously, "What, are you guys friends now? I don't think I want you two comparing notes."

"Oh, we wouldn't dream of it," Piz said quickly. "Wallace abandoned me. You know how he is lately; he's like a chick magnet."

"Yeah, since he got that underwear endorsement he's been unbearable," Logan commented.

"Do you need a ride, Piz?" Veronica queried.

"No, that's okay," Piz replied. "I'll see you on campus, Veronica. Don't forget to check out my radio show this week."

Veronica walked over and kissed him on the cheek. "I'm so glad we're friends now, Piz."

"Yeah, me too."

Logan and Veronica, hand-in-hand, let themselves out of the suite, and Duncan and Piz exchanged a glance. Piz walked back into the bathroom. He returned to the main room and handed Duncan a bottle of Pantene conditioner.

Duncan looked at Piz, confused.

Piz cleared his throat. "Fuck her. Let's go."