Summary: 'Her words did not make sense to Alec. Very little was making sense to him – not after what just happened. It seemed like his thoughts were lagging behind, his rationality lost at the spot where Magnus had disappeared.' Because Nephiliam don't love like normal people. A post-CoLS fic.

The selfish ways I love you

A/N: In every story there are a multitude of paths that one could take. So where do we go from here? In one reality Alec runs into Maureen and gets bitten. She has after all just killed Camille and previously Jordan's friend. Maybe Lilith did something to her to make her more powerful. Would a little demon blood trigger some kind of super-evil vampire killer? One can only assume…

In another instance Alec kills Maureen or she escapes and he keeps living an empty shell of a life as a Shadowhunter until he meets Magnus again. Even that instance isn't really an instance, but an entire window filled with endless opportunities for divergence. So which path should we take? Decisions, decisions…

It's looking like a limb torn off
Or altogether just taken apart
We're reeling through an endless fall
We are the ever-living ghost of what once was

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

~Band of Horses

More than I do

Her words did not make sense to Alec. Very little was making sense to him – not after what just happened. It seemed like his thoughts were lagging behind; his rationality lost at the precise spot where Magnus had disappeared into the darkness of the station.

"You?" His icy blue eyes narrowed in disbelief as they weighed up the skinny frame of the young vampire girl before him. "You can't have killed Camille. She's like a thousand years old."

Because people that old didn't just die like that – not by stupid little things like vampire fledglings in glittery unicorn t-shirts... or stab wounds. Immortals were immortal for a reason. They had endless decades to learn how to protect themselves. They were meant to be invulnerable – or at least more invulnerable than normal people. And yet the all too familiar ruby-red tinge of vampiric blood on her clothes, her hands, her face, told him that the vampire girl really wasn't lying despite the fact that everything about the night was feeling like some sort of trick.

"You don't think I could?" Alec watched as irritation and amusement coloured her tone, her head slowly tilting to one side as she regarded him.

"You should know I've killed lots of things! Vampires, werewolves, a fairy..." She giggled again helplessly, her voice a jubilant singsong. "And now I'm the vampire clan leader!"

For a second he could only stare at her, entirely shell-shocked by her words. Finally after what seemed like a really long pause, a quiet, sardonic chuckle echoed through the station, breaking the small bubble of silence that her words had left behind. "You're out of your freaking mind."

She was obviously bat-shit crazy but somehow the words that spilled through his lips sounded just as manic as hers.

Maybe he was the one that was really crazy. He wasn't even sure if the rage was for her – for stealing his kill – or for the other of her kind, though at the moment it almost felt like they could be one and the same.

Maybe someone like Jace would have had something more eloquent to dish out.

Maybe if he was less angry – less raw…

A part of him doubted this – was so certain that she was lying to him. He had fought Camille himself not a week ago and the ancient vampire had laughed at him after having almost used him to wipe the floor. He could still remember the gloating look as she wiped her own blood from her lips.

That made me feel alive, little Nephilim.

No, there was no way Maureen stood a chance.

"Don't underestimate me Shadowhunter!" she shrieked, baring her needle-like canines dangerously, twisting her face into an inhuman mask as she lunged at him. Her fangs closed on air inches from Alec's throat as the blade of Amriel flashed towards her chest. Somehow she managed to dodge; her lightning quick movements precise and fluid as she leapt back out of the way.

For a few moments they engaged, each snap of her fangs rewarded with a slash of his seraph blade. She snarled when he managed to slice her across the back and another shallower cut on her forehead bled more vivid red blood down her already morbid façade.

Alec clutched at his ribs painfully as he pulled in painful gulps of air, sure that some were broken from when she had landed a particularly well placed kick.

"I will show all of you what I can do when the time comes!" she yelled, her high-pitched voice echoing in the silence of the station. Her eyes were like shards of glass, red-rimmed and hungry. "Once the war starts I will find you. And when I do I won't hesitate to break your face!"

And just like that – in a flash of inhuman speed – little Maureen retreated and was gone, leaving Alec alone again in the darkness. Fumbling at his side for his witchlight, he cursed as it lit from his touch to revel no sign of the vampire fledgling.

Damn them all to hell!

Alec's fists slammed into the tiled wall, hard and repeatedly until his knees gave way beneath him as pain flooded to his knuckles in red blotches of blood.

He wanted to be angry.

He wanted to burn the whole fucking world down and take every last vampire and fae with him.

A cry of frustration echoed through the emptiness, his body finally caving in on itself as that thing – that angry, broken thing inside his chest clawed savagely, breaking his gritted teeth and steady breaths into whimpering sobs that just didn't stop. Magnus was gone and there was nothing in the world that could have stopped that either. The gears had started turning a long time ago; it was just that Alec had been too blind – maybe too human to see. He should have known that Camille was not to be trusted. A demon in human skin who Magnus had loved in the past – he should have known better than to think she would ever try to offer him help.

The most pathetic part of it all was that he hadn't even planned on going ahead with the offer. He had been tempted in a moment of weakness; reflexively reacting to the crippling fear of losing the one person he loved most. She had known this and had orchestrated this dance. And dance he had.

Love made you desperate and selfish – a lesson that had cost him so much to learn.

A cool night breeze stuck his hair to his skin when Alec finally resurfaced from dank musk of the train station. The moon was already low in the sky. He had no idea how long he had remained in the darkness, refusing to let his mind wander back to that forsaken place, telling himself that as long as he made it back to the Institute he would be fine.

He saw his life stretched out in a series of miniscule victories. Get out. Walk to the subway. Swipe the plastic ticket. That was how Alec managed to hold it all together while he made his way back into a life without a certain warlock, though it was already hard to remember a life without him in it. Already his previous eighteen years of growing up and being in love with Jace was a distant, foggy memory, eclipsed by the blinding brightness that was Magnus Bane.

As he stared into the stark florescent lights of the L train, Alec rubbed at his eyes with his sleeve before tuning to glare icily at the homeless man who was charitably offering him an apple. The knowledge that he obviously really looked bad enough to deserve the gesture flared his temper. Not wanting the pity he snapped, telling the man just where to stick it before stalking out of the carriage. Because it was easier for him to be angry; easier to just want to run after demons and vampires in glittery t-shirts and watch the blood and ichor flow. It was like he finally understood Jace's need for bloodlust and violence, because maybe that just what you did when you had nothing left to lose.

A/N: Okay, don't kill me. I redrafted and changed some things though the general gist of the chapter stayed the same. Also I have decided how I'm structuring the next few chapters. They might be sort and drabble-ish I'll try to make it good, I promise.

Also, thank you for the reviews.