The terrible, awful, I cannot believe those words just left your mouth,
why did I ever agree to being your girlfriend, you can shut up now please, cheesy as can be
Pick-Up Lines
of one Mr. Ivan "From Russia with Love" Braginski
as told by his very unfortunate girlfriend

Erzsi knew he'd landed when the texting started.

« Vanya: I don't know what you're thinking about me right now gurl but I hope it's rated XXX.

Erzsi: You're not allowed to spend time with Alfred ever again.

Vanya: D8 »

It would go on for hours.

« Erzsi: Are you almost done in customs yet? Text me when you're out and can use your phone.

Vanya: How about we surprise the family and not come home tonight. ;D

Erzsi: Does that mean you're through?

Vanya: Nyet. I stole Alfred's Captain America blanket before I left so he flagged me as a terrorist.

Vanya: They said since they're going to do a full cavity search to appeases the little bastard capitalist I can text while I wait. »

She stares at her phone for minutes after that. Sometimes the Hungarian wonders about her Russian counterpart.

« Vanya: It's ok though, I'm wearing fun underwear. »

The rest of the time she worries.

« Vanya: Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

Erzsi: How was the search?

Vanya: More pleasurable than the last but not the best one I've had.

Erzsi: Do you have your luggage yet?

Vanya: They're searching it now.

Vanya: It's ok though, I put the blanket in Arthur's bag.

Erzsi: This is why no one ever wants to hang out with you. »

« Vanya: I may be the largest country in the world, but tonight I'm going to be the largest thing in your world.

Erzsi: Still waiting?

Vanya: The floor isn't as bad to sit on as you would imagine. »

« Vanya: I'm Hungary for Djibouti.

Erzsi: Make another pun using my country's name in any language and I'll cut off your penis.

Vanya: Duly noted. Also I think I see my bag coming. »

« Vanya: They found the blanket in Arthur's bag.

Vanya: PS-I Ecuador you. »

« Vanya: That dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.

Erzsi: Where are you that you know I'm wearing a dress?

Vanya: Outside creeping. I rang the bell.

Erzsi: Martie's coming down to get you. »

Once up in their daughter's apartment the grandchildren run to Vanya first, Erzsi waiting till they leave to approach her boyfriend.

"Are you going to kiss me," he murmurs, nuzzling his nose against hers, "or do I have to lie to my diary about that?"

"I guess I know what you and the boys spent your vacation looking up on the Internet."

"You know I can't resist a bad pick-up line." And with that Erzsi feels her head tilted back, that mouth finally claiming hers.

As she lays in bed, reading her book, Erzsi senses Vanya enter the room. "You look cold," he mutters, closing the door before crawling on the bed over her body, his glasses low on his face. "Want me to warm you up?"

"Want you to stop it with the pick-up lines."

"Do men say these sorts of things to you?" the Russian asks seriously, rolling off her to lay on his back. "When you go out. I find them amusing but I can't imagine they ever work."

"Da; that's why I punch them."

"You've yet to punch me."

"That wouldn't hurt you nearly as much as it'd hurt my hand." Gently Vanya pries the book from her, placing Erzsi's bookmark on her page and the tome on the nightstand.

"Come now," and he pulls her to him, "I want to make you the happiest woman on earth now." He winks; that one Erzsi does believe.

When Francis, chair of the meeting, asks if there's any motions before they begin, Erzsi gets a text. And so it starts today.

« Vanya: I motion for a one-on-one unmoderated caucus with you.

Vanya: That's a nice shirt. I bet what's beneath it is even nicer.

Vanya: You know, my conference is longer than his. »

Rising several chairs down from her, Ludwig starts to speak on sanctions that had been discussed at the previous meeting.

« Vanya: You could lift my sanction any day gurl.

Erzsi: How long to figure out how to teach your phone 'gurl'?

Vanya: Way long, just like me. ;D »

After the sanctions Oxenstierna stands, inquiring after some banking issue and how it would affect non-Eurozone countries.

« Vanya: You know I'm not actually this tall.

Erzsi: Is this the one where you're sitting on your wallet?

Vanya: ;D

Erzsi: Communist.

Vanya: D

Erzsi: Does that one not have eyes? Is it happy or sad?

Vanya: We're not oppressed by eyes in Russia. »

As Erzsi sits from her part, her eyes only briefly cross over Vanya at the end of the table way to her left. He looks calm, his face blank, as it normally is. His hands though, she notices, are under the table. The text is already waiting.

« Vanya: Your lips looked so lonely talking. Shall we introduce them to mine later?

Vanya: Also the Austrian was doodling while you spoke, slap him. »

Glancing to her right she's annoyed to see her boyfriend is right, and so does.

At this point the speeches commence, Vanya being invited to speak first today. He walks slowly around the table to the podium on the other end of the table, hand in his pocket. When he arrives at the podium he speaks clearly, his gaze the same as it falls over all nations, friend and foe alike. But Erzsi's already read the latest text, the one she got as he went by her.

« Vanya: Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again? »

As he goes back to his seat Erzsi responds, her eyes darting for just a second to see him pull the phone from his pocket as he sits. He smirks, his eyes on hers, before they both look back to Basch now speaking.

« Erzsi: Are you a topic? Because I'd love to table you.

Vanya: I'd love it if you motioned me to the floor. »

Arthur had accidentally made reference to some distance using the British Imperial system, leaving Francis and him currently in a fight as the one mocked the other for his flub. The Russian nation wastes no time finding a pick-up line for such a situation.

« Vanya: If I told you I had a 2 inch dick would you fuck me?

Erzsi: … I don't know how big that is but I'm guessing I should say no?

Vanya: Good because mine's 8 inches.

Erzsi: Should I be impressed by that?

Vanya: I have a huge dick.

Erzsi: I'm putting my phone away now.

Vanya: That's ok I'm going to masturbate anyway. Join me if you want.

Erzsi: Are you serious? »

Whether or not he sees the last text the Hungarian isn't exactly sure, Vanya nodding to Francis as he rises to give the signal that he's about to step out. Whether or not he's serious, though, is much more concerning, Erzsi counting exactly three minutes before she nods to Francis who smiles just a little, allowing her to step out too.

Arms pull her as the door closes, dragging Erzsi further down the hallway to an empty room. "Van-" she starts before lips crash against hers, a body pressing her against the wall roughly.

"I'm gonna fuck you," he groans into her ear, pushing against her.

"How romantic," Erzsi manages, pick-up lines all but forgotten.