Yay! I'm not dead!

Yeah, my parents banned me from doing anything on FanFiction until I got caught up on all my English crap, so, yes, I do realize that it's been a month since I updated. I've spent that time well and revised this a lot! I'm serious, I must have rewritten this chapter three times! UGG! And then my mom thought Lily was too needy, so I rewrote it again!

One review, guys? One? Seriously? Can't we do better than that? Why didn't you guys review? And I know you read it - I've got seven people following this right now (and four people that've favorited it, which I don't really understand. I mean, how did youguys know I didn't have Lily murder Snape and James and then kill herself?)

Thank you, JessandDarcy. Your review made me happy, and without it, I might have really made Lily commit double murder-suicide. Everyone else reading this should be thanking you, too.

Okay, enough ranting (for now). On with the story!

Chapter Three

How could he? I thought furiously, storming into the Astronomy Tower. That bastard – how could he?

How could he mess with me like that? Play with my heart? Pretend we hadn't been friends since childhood? Hurt me?

How could he do it again?

Tears stung at my eyes, but I didn't bother trying to hold them back. They fell with little splats against the stone railing I was clinging to, and then against the hard floor as I sunk down.

Didn't he realize what he was doing to me? That I still cared what he did?

Hell, yeah, I still cared about him – still cared for him. Hell, yeah, I still remembered him – and our past. And HELL, yes, he still had the ability to hurt me.

Yes, it did bother me when he was dating Petunia, but not because I had any sort of – eww – romantic feelings for him. It bothered me because he didn't care if it bothered me.

Yes, I did hide from him every time he came to my house, but not because I didn't want to talk to him. I hid because I was afraid – afraid he would insult me, afraid he would make me feel sorry for him, afraid he would apologize and I would forget all about that day last spring.

Yes, I had been avoiding him – especially at Hogwarts, where he had his Pure Blood friends to back him up, but not because I didn't want to confront him. It was because I didn't want anyone to see me break like I just had.

And, yes, I had used the Marauders as a shield, but can you really blame me? They were all so much... better than they first appeared, and I loved all of them – as friends, of course – and they loved me, too.

Beneath their hard, arrogant façades, they were just soft and kind and fun-loving, fighting the war in the only way they knew how: pranking the children of the enemy.

The first time I'd seen behind the curtain, the wall of arrogance, that they put up, was after it happened.

}Ô{

I was on my way to the library that night, determined not to let anyone know how much that afternoon's events had gotten to me, ready to do some serious moping among the ancient, abandoned bookshelves. It was in the middle of dinner – an end-of-exams feast, no less – so the halls should have been empty. It should have been a nice, quiet walk along the deserted corridors, but it wasn't. Of course it wasn't. Potter showed up.

I swear, that hallway was empty ten seconds before. But still, there he was, suddenly appearing in the middle of the dark fifth floor corridor, stuffing something silvery into his schoolbag.

"What do you want now?" I asked, exasperated. "Haven't you embarrassed me enough for one day?"

"What, aren't you happy to see me, Lilyflower, my love, my darlingdest darling?"

He laughed as I gave him the one-finger salute. I rolled my eyes. "Why can't you just sod off, Potter, and leave me alone?"

"Why do you want me to?" His cocky, joking expression stayed in place, but his dark eyes looked almost... serious.

"Do you really want me to list the reasons?" I asked irritatedly, rhetorically. "Because I will. You're – as I pointed out earlier – arrogant, bullying, and a complete TOERAG. You manage to embarrass me on an almost daily basis. And – oh, let me think – you lost me a friend today!"

"Lily, he wasn't your friend," Potter told me quietly, his eyes begging me to believe him. "He was calling you... that long before today – long before this year. He wasn't your friend, Lily, and you know it."

"Yeah, maybe I did. Maybe I knew a long time ago that he was a bloody arsehole! But maybe I wanted to deny it for a while longer. And if you – you horrid douchebag – if you hadn't taunted him, maybe I'd have been able to!"

"A while? Evans, he's been saying that since Third Year! I've heard him say it!"

"SO?" I exploded, raising my voice for the first time – this argument, at least. "So what if he did, Potter? I don't CARE – at least I had a friend! At least I had someone who didn't embarrass me every day – who didn't broadcast my flaws to the world!

"I had someone who cared about me, and liked me, and made me laugh, and was always there for me – someone who I could see in my life forever! And you bastards took that away from me!"

Saltwater began to flow over my eyelids and onto my cheeks. I felt blindly for the cold stone wall and sunk into the fetal position.

This couldn't be happening. I couldn't be crying. Not in front of him. That was the second rule of dealing with Potter: never let him see he got to you. The only thing more important the Rule One: take everything he throws at you and chuck it right back at him, twice as hard.

And how was I supposed to do that after this?

He sat down next to me and tried to take my hand. I pulled it out of his reach. Leaning my head back against the wall and closing my eyes, I forced myself to take deep, calming breaths.

"Why are you here, Potter?" My voice was listless, apathetic, like I was just too tired to care about the answer. I guess I was.

"I came to apologize for being such a total arsehole – this afternoon, especially, but also for the last five years."

"Apologize?"

"Yeah. I heard Marlene tell Alice and Mary that you were skipping dinner to go to the library and study. So I came 'cause I wanted to say I'm sorry. And because Marlene said she'd castrate me if I didn't. But mostly because I wanted to."

Finding me was probably a good idea on his part – Marlene didn't threaten. She promised.

"She said that to you?"

"Well, no, not exactly to me," James explained nervously. "It was more... I overheard her talking to Mary and Alice... when I was following them around... trying to figure out where you were..."

So he stalked my friends so he could stalk me? Normally, I'd be screaming at him for that, but I just didn't feel like it. And, anyway, before I could respond – if I was going to respond – James grabbed my hand again and held on tight, refusing to let me pull away. I doubt I would have if I could.

"Look, Lily," he started, using his free hand to turn my face towards him, "I know that I'm not your favorite person – actually, I know that I'm probably your very least favorite person – and I know that I have absolutely no right to be here, or do this" - he squeezed my hand tighter - "or talk to you, or even look at you, but you need someone right now, Lily. And I know you won't go to your friends – I know you don't want them to know that today upset you – but that doesn't change the fact that you need someone. So I'm offering."

Again, I didn't respond, just stared blankly into his brown – no, hazel – eyes. Since when did I care what color his eyes were?

"Oh, Merlin, Lily! Not like that! No! I didn't – I mean – it's not – you – I – UGGGGG! I meant that – if you need a friend – to talk to – I'll be there, Lily. I will always be here for you – in a purely platonic way."

I giggled – the first reaction he'd gotten from me while we were sitting there – and wiped my eyes on my shirt sleeve.

"Thank you, James," I said, smiling as I squeezed his hand. "That means a lot to me, and I'll remember it. Now, I don't know about you, but I am starving! Want to go to dinner?"

His stomach grumbled and I took that as my answer, pushing myself up and offering him my hand. James took it and stood up. We walked, still hand in hand, to the Great Hall – well, most of the way there, anyway.

As we passed the library on the third floor, someone called my name. James and I stopped and turned to find Severus Snape stepping out from the shadows.

"Lily," he begged, "please, we need to talk."

"I think you've said all you had to say, Severus," I said coolly, standing tall and holding my head high. "And, as for me, well, I'm done talking to you."

Pulling James with me, I spun and began to walk away, but Severus rushed ahead of us and put a hand on my shoulder, blocking me. I felt James reaching for his wand, so I put my hand his arm, silently telling him to stop and let me deal with this. James had already involved himself enough in this – had already done enough for me. There was no need to drag him any deeper.

"Listen, Li – "

"No. No, Sev, you listen," I demanded, so much anger in my eyes that Severus – several inches taller than me – cowered in fear. "We've been friends since we were, what, eight? Seven? I thought you knew me, Sev – knew that the one thing I can't stand is people taunting me about my blood! I thought you knew that I hate it when people judge me – look down on me – just because my parents are Muggles. And I thought I knew you! I thought I knew you wouldn't hurt me! I thought I knew that you'd always be there for me – that I could trust you! I guess you proved me wrong."

I pushed past him and started to storm away, but Severus caught my arm and forced me to spin around, holding my arms so I couldn't move. Again, James moved for his wand, but I stopped him with a look.

"Let go of me," I demanded of Severus, struggling against his bone-crushing grip.

"Lily. You've got to – "

"I haven't got to do anything!" I needed to get out of this, but how? I couldn't get my wand. Crap! Well, I guess this is gonna be nonverbal.

LEVICORPUS! I all but screamed in my mind.

Severus yelped and released me, probably from the shock of suddenly hanging upside down, feet three meters in the air. His face was level with mine. A strange calm encompassed me, like the universe was telling me I was doing the right thing, and I stared into his eyes, seeing shock and determination reflecting back at me.

"Leave me alone," I say softly – quietly – but with a googoplexillion times more coviction than I had when I told Pott – no, James – when I told James I'd rather go out with the Giant Squid than him.

And then... I walked away. I left Severus behind with all my now-former affections for him. I tried to leave my past, our history. I fully intended to never let him cross my mind again.

Librecorpus, I thought as softly as I could, almost as an afterthought. He fell heavily to the stone floor, taking everything we used to be with him.

Wordlessly, I took James's hand again and we continued our trek to the Great Hall. Silence hung between us – not heavy or stifling, but a comfortable, unspoken understanding that we would never tell anyone what had just happened and his quiet recognition that I could fight my own battles – until I broke it.

"James? I asked, staring at my feet as we walked down the stairs to the second floor. "Do you think, maybe, we could... start over? You know, pretend the last five years never happened, and just be... friends?"

"I'd like that, Lils," he said softly. I looked over at him to find his eyes trained on the ground like mine had just been. A small smile spread across my face and I felt my eyes light up.

When we got to the Great Hall, James started to walk through the open doorway, but I froze. He turned back towards me, still holding my hand. "Lily?" he asked, concerned. "Are you okay?"

I barely noticed. It seemed like every single eye in the Hall was on me. Everyone was staring – whispering – laughing – making fun of the stupid little Mudblood ginger that thought she was good enough to be here. If Sev could say those things to me – if my best friend could say those things – what could – what was everyone else saying?

"Lily," I vaguely heard James whisper in my ear. He might have put his arm around my waist and led me down the Gryffindor table, gently forcing my feet to move to catch up with my upper body. " Come on, you're okay. You're doing fine, Lily, just keep walking."

When we reached our friends – who, for some unknown reason, were sitting together – he stopped, so I did, too.

The floating candles seemed a million times brighter, and the chatter, infinitely louder. James made to help me into one of the two empty places on the wooden bench, but I stopped him.

"You're here for me, right?"

Yeah, I could fight for myself – and he knew it – but everyone needs a little help sometimes. And James knew that, right then, I needed to borrow some of his strength, so just he smiled kindly.

"Always," he whispered, leaning down so he was at my – rather low – level. I leaned in and kissed his cheek before sliding into the bench, my hand never leaving his.

}Ô{

Our friends gave us Hell for that, but that was okay, because now they were our friends.

The Marauders were my friends. Sev wasn't anymore. So why did he bother me? Why did I let him?

I curled up in a ball against the balcony banisters, trying to stop the tears. He wasn't worth them. I wasn't worth them. Closing my eyes, I focused on my breathing, trying to slow my heartbeat. It was this position I was in when James burst through the door an indeterminable amount of time later. "Lily!"

"I'm fine, James," I spouted immediately, wiping under my eyes to get rid or any leftover traces of my crying.

"Lily," James said again, softly, kneeling in front of me. He leaned forward and wrapped me in his arms. "It's okay."

Maybe it was okay. So I did it. I let everything out, right there on James's shoulder.

"Shh, Lily, it's alright," he whispered against my hair, pulling me into his lap. "It's okay, Lily, I'm here for you. Right here."

"Why?" I asked through my sobs, pulling back so I could see his face. It looked like he had been crying, too. "Why are you here, James, when everything he said was true?"

"Oh, Lils," he sighed, brushing my hair back behind my ear. "You didn't actually believe him, did you?"

"Of course I did, James. Why wouldn't I? He was right about everything."

"Lily, you need to look in the mirror."

"I have, James, and all I see is the pathetic little idiot ginger who – by some cosmic FLUKE – was born a witch and accepted into Hogwarts. The girl I see is so ugly and useless that no one cares about her – and if anyone does," I added quickly, seeing James about to protest, "they really shouldn't. You really shouldn't."

"You really need to polish your mirror, then, Lils, because all I can see is the friendliest, kindest, most loving, most beautiful redhead I've ever seen, let alone had the immense pleasure of actually knowing. I see the smartest witch in the history of Hogwarts, the most loyal and caring person in Gryffindor, the most amazing and helpful girl in the world – Wizarding or Muggle. I see the one and only, impeccably perfect Lily Evans."

Just like all those months before, I didn't react, just snuffled. This time, though, it was because of shock, not tired apathy. James really saw me like that? No. He couldn't be telling the truth... could he?

"Merlin, Lily, why do you think I started asking you out all the time? Yeah, it might have started to make fun of you – and for that, I am eternally sorry – and then it turned into a challenge – a matter of pride, getting the one girl that hated me more than anything to go out with me. But then I realized how amazing, how perfect, how beautifully real you are, and I fell in love with you. My attempts became real, and when your perception of me didn't change, Lily, I had the misguided notion that if only I did it bigger – grander – more often, you'd change your mind.

"I still feel awful about last spring, Lily, but I think today proved that what happened was for the best. And I got to be friends with you. It wasn't exactly what I wanted, but I was willing to take it – and I still am."

"James," I started, but quickly realized that I didn't have an end for that sentence.

"Lily, I'm not asking you out," he assured me (even though, at this point, I was sorta wishing he was), ruffling his thick black hair with one hand while still holding me close with the other. "I guess I'm just trying to say the same thing I did last year – whenever Snape, or someone like him, or anyone does anything like that, I want you to remember that I'll be right here. I'll be here to remind you just how amazingly precious you are to me – and to the rest of the world – even if I am stuck in the Friend Zone," he finished with a crooked little half smile.

James leaned forward to kiss my forehead – a perfectly acceptable thing for a (hopefully, not for long) best guy friend (or any best friend, really) to do – and then he whispered against my skin.

"I will always be here for you, Lily."

}Ô{

This is what I'm thinking about as James and I once again find ourselves on the Astronomy Tower balcony, our positions reversed.

"James," I whisper yet again, watching sadly as my boyfriend rocks himself back and forth in his little ball, sobbing. Every time I try to move towards him, to lean forward and comfort him, he moves back, further away from me, a wild fear in his eyes.

Eventually, he pushes himself so far back he hits the little wall of banisters that encloses the balcony. He can't move back anymore, so I move forward, smoothing down his dark hair. I pull gently on his shoulder. There's no way I could actually force James to move – I'm too weak and he's too strong – but I can... suggest he does. And James does, leaning in so his head is on my shoulder.

I wrap my arms around him the best I can. "Oh, James, shh. Shh, James, shh," I whisper in his ear. I can't tell him it'll be okay – I won't. I won't lie to him.

We aren't in our uniforms, just our everyday clothes. We're supposed to be in Hogsmeade, celebrating Gryffindor's victory over Hufflepuff for the Quidditch Cup. James is Captain – he's supposed to be celebrating harder than anyone. But he isn't. He's mourning.

"They weren't on duty, Lily," he sobs into my neck, "they weren't even ON DUTY!"

"I know, James, I know," I murmur, stroking his hair.

"It's all my fault. They came to see me, Lily, me. It's my fault my parents are dead."

"No, honey, no," I assure him soothingly, rubbing his back gently. "It's Voldemort's fault, and his damn Death Eaters', not yours – never yours."

"But they came to see me play. They were waiting for me in Hogsmeade. If it weren't for me, they wouldn't have been there – they wouldn't be gone."

"James, honey, you know that if they hadn't been there, so, so many more people would be gone. You know they wouldn't have regretted it, James. They died fighting, James, saving people, battling the enemy, just like they would have on any Auror mission. This was there unassigned mission, James, and they were more than willing to accept it."

James pulls away from me enough so that he can look into my eyes. "Really?"

"Really, James. They were trying to make the world a better place, honey. Between them, they must have taken out ten, maybe fifteen Death Eaters. They were making the world safer, James, for you, and for Janie."

Janie is James's little sister. I met her at the Quidditch game this morning. She seems really sweet. Janie survived the attack – she'd gone into Honeydukes ahead of her parents a few seconds before it started. She'd been watching through the window, probably too mortified to move, when someone blasted off a curse that shattered the window and sent Janie flying back. She crashed into the wall and some shelves fell on her.

This is what Alice and Marlene, who were also in Honeydukes when the attack started, told me. They had dug Janie out from under the rubble, and, as soon as the coast was relatively clear, Alice had come running back to the castle holding the unconscious Janie while Marlene stayed behind to help with the other casualties. Alice had been the one to tell Dumbledore about the attack. He immediately sent for help, and the majority of the victims were able to be saved. The Potters weren't.

"Janie..."James whispers.

"She's going to be okay, James. Janie's asleep in the Hospital Wing right now. Madam Pomfrey's taking good care of her, and Alice and Remus and Peter are looking after her. She's going to need you, though, James. I'll always be here for you, honey, but, right now, you need to be there for Janie. You need to let her know that life goes on."

"But, Lily, what happens now?" he asks, sniffing, trying not to cry.

"Now, James, now we go downstairs and we sit with Janie, and we plan your parents' funeral, and then we come back to school, James. And we work hard, just like your parents would have wanted you to. And then you and Janie and Sirius come and stay with me for the summer, and all of us come back here in the fall, and we study and we learn and we graduate. And then we fight Voldemort, James, and we just live our lives."

"We?"

"I'm here for you, honey, always," I remind him, taking his hand. "Now, come on, let's go see Janie."

I tug him up and lead him to the Hospital Wing. Remus and Peter, and Alice and her boyfriend, Frank, and even Sirius and Marlene are there, crowded around Janie's bed, almost asleep.

"Hey," I whisper, nudging Remus, whose eyes are fluttering closed even as he stands. He jumps awake. "We'll take it from here. You take everyone else to go get some dinner."

Remus nods, and we start tapping our friends, waking them up. They all leave groggily to go get food, leaving James, Janie, and me. He settles in the one chair by her bed, and I sit on its arm, still holding his hand.

About an hour later, James has just drifted off to sleep when Janie wakes up. I don't wake him. He needs a few hours of escape from this.

"Hey, Janie," I whisper as soothingly as I can, moving to sit on the edge of her bed.

"Lily?" Janie asks, rubbing her eyes. "Where am I?"

"You're at Hogwarts, in the Hospital Wing," I tell her. "James is right over there."

"Where are Mum and Daddy? Are they sleeping?"

"Well, Janie," I begin, not knowing what to say, "there's something you need to know..."

I'm the one that tells my boyfriend's ten-year-old sister that she's an orphan. I'm the one that holds her while she cries, and, when her sobs wake James, I hold him, too. I make the funeral arrangements, and I make sure James and Janie eat and sleep, and Marlene does the same for Sirius, and so do Remus and Peter and Alice. We take care of our family.

Because we are all they have here.

}Ô{

A week has passed, and I've hardly let James out of my sight, and vice versa. That really doesn't mean much, though, considering we've been spending almost every waking moment eating, in class, or by Janie's bed in the Hospital Wing.

Now, we're all dressed completely in black, standing in the Godric's Hallow cemetery. James is clutching my left hand while my right arm is wrapped around Janie's shoulder. Marlene, Sirius, and Remus are next to us, and Alice and Frank and Peter are crying softly in the front row. We're standing in front of an open casket. The serene faces of Jane and Harold Potter smile softly back up at us.

Slowly, I conjure a rose – Gryffindor crimson – that will never wilt and put it in Janie's hand. She looks up at me, startled. I just smile softly and put James's hand on the flower, too.

I guide their hands until the rose is placed in the forever-entwined hands of their parents. Even after Remus goes back to take his seat in the front row next to Alice, Frank, and Peter, we stay there, watching as the lid covers Mr. and Mrs. Potter's faces and they are lowered into the ground. Janie turns and presses her face into my dress and cries, but James stands there stoically. There are tears in his eyes, though – that much I know. Tears he's too afraid to shed.

So, as I stroke Janie's curly red hair, I squeeze his hand, reminding him that I'm here for him – for them.

Always.

Now, what do we say, class?

Thank you, JessandDarcy!

Anyway, yeah, I know. It's a lot longer than the first two chapters. And you guys only have yourseves to blame for James's parents dying. I was just gonna make Gryffindor loose a Quidditch game to Hufflepuff - which, okay, would never happen (not that I have anything against Hufflepuff - I just have a this totally awesome friend that I call Hufflepufflin' and she and I have arguments on wheather Gryffindor or Hufflepuff is better on a regular basis, and I love to bug her! You guys shpuld go check her out. Her FanFic name is HangingForest and she's written for Harry Potter and Hey Arnold. She has a collection of ten Draco pairings inspired by music that you guys would probably find interesting. I did, and I refuse to ship most of the pairings she chose - but I do call the credit on inspiring the Dreville and Drale ones!)

Anyway, enough advertising HangingForest. As I was saying...

Your lack of reviews is solely responsible for the deaths of Jane and Harold Potter. Seriously, guys, REVIEW! Even if it's just a smiley face. Smilelies make me smilely, and that makes me much less likely to kill off your favorite characters. Honestly, if it weren't for JessandDarcy, I would have seriously considered making Lily commit double murder-suicide.

Anyway, I'm done ranting. Send me smilies and check out my other stories!

3 (one of these days, my attempt at a heart will actually work)

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