Author's Note: Sorry I took a while to upload, I just had some issues with this chapter. I wrote it out, reread it and hated it, and then wrote it over. I'm still not sure if it's really good or not, but I hope you enjoy it anyway! ^^'

Chapter 2. Suspicion

Soichiro sat on his couch, his wife and daughter on either side of him. It had been roughly a half hour after he'd told them the truth, and they'd merely been sitting in silence; the television was on but not being watched by anyone, its only purpose being to distract from the heavy atmosphere. His cell phone suddenly buzzed in his pants pocket, and he sluggishly answered it.

"Moshi moshi?"

"Chief?"

"Yes, Matsuda?"

"Aizawa-san and Mogi-san said that…they think someone, if not all of us, should watch the surveillance in Ryuzaki-san and Light-kun's room."

"What? For what reason? I already said-"

"Yeah, I know…but they said that because Ryuzaki-san and Light-kun were intimate, that there's a small chance that Ryuzaki-san revealed his name to Light-kun and that if that's the case then Light-kun would be a strong suspect again," he slurred hurriedly, obviously not wishing to be yelled at as he was only the messenger.

Soichiro pinched the bridge of his nose. He just wanted to forget about the surveillance factor. He definitely did not want to watch his son and former boss getting 'intimate' as Matsuda had put it, and the thought of his co-workers watching it as well was equally if not more disturbing.

"Fine, let me think about it. I don't want everyone watching it."

Matsuda nodded even though the Chief wouldn't possibly be able to see it, "Okay, I'll go tell them."

Light woke up many times that first night, and even though he'd gotten a few solid hours it felt like he hadn't slept at all. His head throbbed and his eyes burned slightly from rubbing away the tears that had continued to flow even after he'd fallen unconscious. He couldn't find the motivation to even get up from his bed. He was in too much pain.

Though it stung to keep his eyes open, he was plagued with the images of L's death every time he closed them, thus they stayed open. His stomach felt like it was turning inside out; the last meal he'd had was breakfast yesterday, or what he assumed was yesterday. He wasn't quite sure how long he'd been in his room, but his chest hurt…his heart hurt. He couldn't help but wonder if this pain was similar to the feeling he'd been giving to hundreds of people for the last two years.

"L…"

He felt disgusted with himself. He knew if someone else had killed L, he'd relentlessly search for the person. He wouldn't stop until that person paid for what they'd done; but in this case, he was fighting himself. His fingers twitched; it wasn't justice like this, and L deserved justice; and Light owed that much to him at the very least. Three hesitant knocks pulled him out of his thoughts, and he tried his best to focus on listening.

"Raito, can we come in?" his mother's voice asked in a hesitant voice. He didn't answer. His throat was dry, and he didn't feel like making the effort to respond.

"Raito? You in there?" his sister's voice joined. Silence. He stared at the ceiling, savoring the momentary blankness it provided with its dull color.

"We're coming in, Raito," his father said gruffly. The door opened then, and the light from the hallway seeped in, making him blink as his eyes adjusted. They all walked in, and he kept his eyes glued to the ceiling.

"Sayu, go downstairs," the Chief said.

"What! But why? I'm a part of this family too!" she exclaimed.

"Sayu please, we just need to talk to Raito about some…adult matters."

"But that's not fair…" she pouted.

"Sayu, go," Sachiko commanded.

The girl sighed to herself, but left quietly. Only after her footsteps could no longer be heard did his father shut the door and move to sit on the chair by his desk as his mother sat at the foot of his bed. Then he was suddenly being hugged tighter than he'd ever been by his mother, and he felt so utterly repulsed because they had it all wrong. He didn't deserve comfort.

"Raito, I'm so sorry you had to go through everything that you did," she said between kissing her son on the head like he was five. Light stayed silent, not moving nor resisting, until she finally let go of him. There was a long silence then, and Light wasn't sure if it was calming or suffocating. Then his mother cleared her throat, and she began to twiddle her thumbs as she tried to find the words to speak.

"Raito…I know everything."

That definitely caught his attention. But did she really know…everything? Or anything at all? Perhaps she was told some completely fabricated story that was as far from the truth as fairytale endings were. His eyes finally left the light blue bed sheets and found his father's in question. The man nodded in answer to the unspoken question.

"I told them everything. All of it."

Light closed his eyes then, wondering just what the point of this conversation was. If he knew, and they knew, then why sit here and try to talk about it? He just wanted to be left alone…

"I understand that you couldn't tell me about the case, that you were suspected of being Kira. I understand that all of that is dangerous to speak about even now, and that you were told to keep it confidential. You did the right thing there. But Raito, I have to say…your…affair with L was wrong."

Light grit his teeth silently. He didn't care what either of them said about him or Kira, but they knew nothing about him and L. They didn't know the circumstances that their love grew from, couldn't even begin to understand how deep the bond between them had run despite their inevitable rivalry. They hadn't a clue.

"You're young and naïve, and L took advantage of that. He should never have initiated anything between you and him. Not only were you his suspect which is extremely unethical, but anything of that nature between two men is morally wrong…"

The boy's blood was boiling at this point. He moved himself so he was beneath the covers a little more so his parents couldn't see how tightly his hands were fisted as he tried to remain silent.

Just ignore it…just ignore it…ignore it all until they leave.

"Please talk to us, Raito. You can tell us. You don't have to be embarrassed about anything; he was older than you, it's not your fault-"

"Shut up!" Light snapped, "Just shut up!" The eyes of his parents widened as they stared at him in shock. "Stop talking about him like he's a fucking monster!" I'm the monster.

"…"

"…"

He whispered the first part as he struggled to keep his voice from shaking, "L never hurt me at all…" No, I hurt him... "And even if he had, I'm not a minor, and I'm most definitely not a child, so don't continue to talk about me like I'm a victim either. Neither of you know anything about us…"

His mother looked a bit teary eyed, but she continued, "You don't understand, Raito! He should've-"

"God dammit! Stop blaming him!" he blinked to clear his eyes, and his throat tightened as more images of L flooded his mind. "We made the decision together!" he choked out the last word, and then his chest was shaking and he was crying yet again. He felt weak.

This is what he does to me…what he reduces me to…it's amazing, he's killing me even after death.

"Raito…" his mother said, her lip quivering as she fought against the urge to hold him again.

He wiped his tears away with the last shreds of pride he had left. "None of this is your business. It's my-"

"Of course, it's our business! Our own son nearly killed himself yesterday because of this!" Soichiro shouted.

The brunette's head fell to rest on his knees, and his hands curled into his hair. "Get out!"

"Rai-"

"Just go!"

He didn't look at them, only hearing them leave soon after his mother began to sob. He moved onto his stomach and buried his face beneath his covers, hoping to isolate himself from reality once more. Time passed slowly, each second painful. Every breath he took was another breath that L couldn't take.

It's my fault. I did this. I hurt him.

I killed him.

He stumbled to his door, moving silently from his room and into the bathroom down the hall. He closed and locked the door, not caring what someone would think if they caught him, only that they would get in the way. But he didn't focus on that, what was important was finding what his mother kept hidden. He searched through her makeup bag, finally finding the orange cylinder at the bottom of the bag: anti-depressants. She'd started taking them when his father had started working on the Kira case in the beginning; his father had no idea, and neither did his sister. But he knew, of course; he always knew, and for any of them to expect anything else was nothing less of an insult.

Am I really going to…?

His hands shook, and his heart rate picked up, breath becoming shallow. Was he really going to try to end it all? Again? He'd been stopped the first time, but no one would stop him this time. He was alone. He'd really die, and that would be it. He'd go to Mu, whatever that was, and if he was lucky he'd have no consciousness or memories of his life.

Suicide is for the weak…but…I can't live like this…it hurts so much…

He uncapped the container with shaky hands. The small blue capsules seemed to stare at him in morbid encouragement. Without another thought, he put the container to his lips. He easily lost track of how many he swallowed, and when he finally put the container down he stood with his back against the bathroom door. He wasn't going to scream or panic, he was going to relax and let himself drift away with his thoughts.

"Light…"

"Yes, L?"

"…I'm scared."

The teen perked up, his head that was previously against the man's pale chest staring up at said man. He saw sadness in his pale face, and the feeling he felt in response was awful. Every fiber of his being flared up; he didn't want to see L like that. Just what was bothering him?

I don't like that expression at all…

"Of what, love?" he asked in a careful voice. He did his best to convey all the affection he felt to the man in hopes that it'd get rid of that…foreboding look on his face. His tan fingers ran along the side of the man's cheek, and he nuzzled into his lover's chest again.

"I've made too many mistakes."

Mistakes?

"…"

He didn't know what to say, so he waited patiently for L to continue. He moved closer to him on their bed, wrapping his arms around his torso in encouragement. He kissed along his collarbone chastely, to which the raven began to run his fingers through the boy's auburn tresses.

"The part that has me frightened…is that I don't regret them."

Light suddenly felt dizzy, his vision blurring up not just from the tears he felt brimming, and he fell. He vaguely felt his hand knock over some hair products that had been on the sink; barely even registered the feeling of the cold tile against his chest through his thin shirt. Then his eyes slid closed.

Light was floating in and out of consciousness; he could hardly open his eyes, and when he did all he saw was a blur of colors. He tried to say something, anything, but he couldn't find his voice. His body was numb, his mind foggy, his eyelids so heavy…

What's going on?

Try as he might to stay awake, his body wasn't listening to him, and he fell unconscious again mere moments later. The next time he woke up was nearly 14 hours later. Upon opening his brown eyes, he was met with a bright light. After blinking a few times, he saw the faces of his parents to his right side. He was in a hospital, that much was clear.

But why…? What's wrong with m-

His memories returned quickly, and at that moment he would've been content going back to sleep (or pretending to) so he wouldn't have to face his parents, but in his nervousness his heart rate had picked up, causing the machine next to him to start beeping erratically. Like he feared, it caught their attention.

His mother's light makeup was streaked down her face, the tears glistening from the light above; his father was pale, and though he wasn't crying at the moment his eyes were red and a bit puffy which let Light know that his father had been in a similar state to his mother not too long ago. He felt the guilt that had seemed like a weight in his chest become even heavier. He hadn't thought about his family when he'd tried to off himself, not even once before or during either attempt.

I'm a selfish coward. I'm a disgusting excuse for a human being. It's all a façade; my intelligence, my pretty face, all of it.

"Raito…how could you?" Sachiko whispered. "How could you try to leave us like that? Again?"

I've always projected perfection to disguise my rotten core.

The tears kept flowing, and Light felt his own eyes becoming watery, his chest starting to fall and rise faster as his throat tightened. Then his mother was standing at his bedside, and the anger and pain he saw on her face was startling. Her thin hand whipped back before colliding against the side of his face with a dizzying force.

"Sachiko!" His father bolted from his chair and wrapped his arms around his mother's waist, his efforts just barely working to restrain her. "Sachiko, calm down!"

She spoke hurriedly but with an authority that had Light trembling in some emotion he couldn't quite place. "Yagami Raito, you will never do anything like that again! Never in the rest of your life!"

The brunette lay in the stiff hospital bed, his cheek tingling painfully, completely shocked. He had never seen this side of his mother, had never even known it existed. Did she truly care for him so much? But how?

How could she love me? How could anyone love me?

"Do you hear me? Answer me, Raito!"

He managed a nod, his throat so tight that he could only mouth the word 'yes'. After a few seconds, his mother finally took a deep breath, sitting down in the hospital chair again. If the atmosphere hadn't been so tense, he'd be sure he'd just imagined his mother's uncharacteristic outburst.

"Raito…you were right before. Your mother and I don't know what happened between you and L. We won't know unless you tell us."

Light closed his eyes for a moment. His father knew not the weight of that very statement. He couldn't tell them. What if he began and merely couldn't stop? He was unstable, and vulnerable; he couldn't risk having a lapse of insanity and telling them he'd caused L's death and by extension that he was Kira. Speaking about anything was too risky, but in the same sense, not telling and internalizing it had landed him where he currently was.

Why hasn't Ryuk killed me already? Has my time not come?

…Or is this my punishment? To be forced to live out the rest of my years with this pain and guilt eating me alive?

"Please, Raito. Talk to us. We can't bear to see you like this."

"…I can't."

He tried to sit up, but just as the words had left his mouth he felt extremely sick. His father, having seen him heaving, quickly grabbed the plastic bucket at his bed side. He emptied the contents of his stomach, closing his eyes as he did so. It burned his throat and tasted awful, but he couldn't hold it back. Only after there seemed to be nothing left to vomit did he open his eyes; he was met with the sight of black.

Did I vomit blood?

"W-What…?"

His father quickly reassured him, "Don't worry, Raito. The doctor said that your bodily fluids would be black because of the activated charcoal they gave you after they pumped your stomach to absorb whatever was left of the pills. It will be completely out of your system in a week or two's time."

Of course. That makes sense...

He nodded, his father taking the bucket from him. He sat back in his bed, his body feeling very sensitive to any smells and sounds around him; he knew he wouldn't be able to stomach any food for a few hours at least. The door opened then, but he didn't sit up for fear of getting sick again.

"Hello. I see you're awake now."

A female voice. His eyes slowly slid to his left as the doctor walked to his side. She was a middle aged woman, not fat but not particularly skinny. She had a kind face; one that reminded him of his mother's.

"You had a very close call, Yagami-san. Tell me…why did you do it?"

Her voice was soft, persuasive even…or maybe it was just his desire to tell someone making it seem so tempting to tell anyone, even a stranger; like poison, he felt as if it had to come out. Either way, he wasn't about to go there. He was going to push it into the category of not an option.

His father cleared his throat in hopes of breaking the silence that had fallen over them. "He lost someone very close to h-"

"The man I love is dead."

The shock on his parents' faces was rather amusing, or would be amusing in different circumstances. He could tell that his father had been prepared to tactfully avoid the fact that the person close to him was his male lover, but he wouldn't have it. Lying would only serve to further sully the love he and L had shared, and what was the point anyway? His 'perfect son/human-being' image he'd carefully constructed his whole life had been thoroughly destroyed brick by brick, so he had no reason to pretend anymore. The very thought was almost liberating, but without L it meant almost nothing.

I'm finally free to fly, but my wings have been clipped.

"I'm so sorry to hear that," the doctor sympathized. She then turned to his parents, "I'd like to speak to Yagami-san in private, if that's alright?"

Hearing no objections from Light, they nodded and walked out. Once the door was closed the woman sat in the chair closest to his bedside. "Yagami-kun."

He noticed the change in honorific but decided not to acknowledge it. He didn't answer her either, only turning his head slightly in her direction to show her that she'd gotten his attention.

"You remind me of my son. He'd be about your age now..."

"…"

"I'm not going to tell you that you'll get over it, or that you'll find another love…but I will say this: it'll get better. I'm not saying it won't be hard, but it'll get easier to live with. Just hold on tight, okay?"

It did not get better.

"Raito…please eat," Sachiko begged.

It'd been nearly three days since Light had been discharged from the hospital. He hadn't left his bed, not finding the mental drive to do so, and had refused to speak a word to anyone since he'd spoken to his parents. He hadn't touched the food left by his mother almost every hour, and he hadn't showered. Since he hadn't eaten he hadn't needed to go to the bathroom either. He felt empty now. Like someone had carved a hole in his chest where his heart was supposed to be, leaving him hollowed out; a shell of what he was. So he stay there beneath his sheets, feeling as if he was growing more and more mad as his mind was tortured with nothing but the painful memories of what once was.

His body acted as if he'd caught the flu; nauseous, sweaty, and fatigued but minus a fever. He knew he'd feel more comfortable if he left his room and began living again, but he was stubborn. What was his purpose anymore? He felt as if the very life had been sucked out of him. He was wasting away, but in a twisted way it felt right. 'L' represented justice, 'L' was justice; so did the man behind the letter not deserve justice himself? Light had killed L, thus he deserved the same fate. That was fair; it would even out the stakes. But he honestly didn't think he had it in him to try to commit suicide a third time in four days. And then there was what his mother had said. Whether he liked it or not it had affected him; he was definitely thinking twice, and she'd been watching him like a hawk. She'd removed any obviously sharp objects from his room and around the house, and she'd put all their medicine in a box that she'd locked with a key. It made him feel like a child being monitored for misbehaving.

"Please, just a small bite. Even if it's only a little, eat something," she pleaded.

He didn't respond, just stared ahead, his chocolate eyes lacking their usual spark. After a certain amount of time the pain of hunger became bearable, the pangs replaced by a strange ache similar to the one in his chest. He didn't notice when his mother left, nor when he somehow managed to fall asleep again, but he appreciated the small escape nonetheless.

July 12th, 2004

L's P.O.V:

He's different.

The change is so obvious that it almost seems like I'm looking at a different person; perhaps like a twin. His eyes have changed, especially. They're clear; clever, intelligent, and narcissistic, but clear. I hadn't noticed just how prominent that smug, cruel look had muddled those pretty brown eyes until it disappeared.

"Ryuzaki?"

"…Yes, Light-kun?"

"Are you feeling alright?"

"I'm fine. Why do you ask?"

"You just…seem a bit off today."

What was that? Concern? Or perhaps just a show? The Light I knew before never seemed to be bothered with pretending to care about my well-being in the least. This person...is not the same. And I was there to see it, when his attitude suddenly flipped while in confinement, but I missed something. Something before that…something right before he looked up at me with such an innocent face.

"Like I said, I am fine," I reassured.

He didn't seem convinced.

But why would he need convincing? Is it wrong to assume that he'd only seek a true answer from me if he was truly perturbed by my sudden 'odd' behavior? My thoughts have been running in circles these last 10 days we've been handcuffed, and I'm getting the feeling that no matter how much I delve into it I won't reach a solid conclusion. It's like missing pieces to a puzzle; you can only solve so much before needing more to work with.

There was a sound of rustling plastic, and then a hand was in front of me, long fingers wrapped loosely but carefully around a red lollipop.

"Here. You're particularly fond of this flavor, correct?"

He smiled at me softly from beneath his golden brown bangs, and I nodded, accepting the treat in seconds. I unwrapped it quickly and soon after my tongue was dancing around the circular candy happily. Mmm, strawberry. "Yes, I am. What exactly led Light-kun to this conclusion?"

"From the bowl of lollipops you usually have on your desk, you pick the strawberry flavored one approximately 7 out of 10 times."

"Light-kun is either extremely observant, or is latching onto any information he can about me for Kira related reasons…"

He momentarily ignored the jab in favor of sipping from his cup of lightly sweetened coffee. "And if you're seriously insinuating that I'm trying to find one of L's weaknesses through means of a single lollipop then you're either extremely paranoid or more than a little fixated on me being Kira…" he retorted.

"Perhaps…" I admit, biting on my thumbnail absentmindedly.

He ignored me, turning back to his desk with an almost inaudible sigh, the slightest of pouts adorning his admittedly lovely features.

…Yes, something is definitely different.

Sachiko Yagami sat alone on the couch in her home, her husband having left to work and her daughter at a friend's house. Her son Light was upstairs, but one would think no one was home; he made not a sound. Her fingers raked through her hair, and she allowed herself to cry silently for a few minutes. She was at a loss. She had no idea what to do. She'd never had any trouble from either of her kids, nor had to deal with one of them ever being suicidal. Where were the parenting books on things like that?

She knew she hadn't handled things right last time her and her husband had spoken to their son about L the day before he was hospitalized. Light had been (and still was) an emotional wreck and neither of them should have expected him to be able to talk to them in that state. She also felt particularly guilty for blaming L, especially in front of Light, but at the time it had made sense to her; Light was younger, and L was L for Christ's sake, surely he should have stopped anything…unprofessional from taking place, or even if they had made a mistake, then he could have stopped it there. But to let it get to this point…to the point that her son was being consumed by depression at his death…surely that meant he must've encouraged their relationship?

But why? Why would he do that? Unless…

Unless L had genuinely loved Light.

But she didn't know that to be true. For all she knew, L had done that with other suspects in the past, or just found it fun to mess around with Light since he was so intelligent. And she was aware of how attractive her son was; maybe L hadn't cared for Light at all and merely used him. Or... maybe it was because Light was suspected of being Kira? Had L had gotten a twisted thrill out of messing around with what he saw as a potential mass murderer and worthy rival? All her theories hurt to think about…just thinking of her son being tricked by someone he loved with all his heart was agonizing.

Knock knock.

The very stressed mother quickly moved to open the front door. Her sallow appearance greatly contrasted that of the bubbly blonde that was revealed.

"Is my Raito okay?!" her high pitched voice asked, blue eyes brimming with concern.

"Miss Amane?"

"Raito hasn't answered any of Misa Misa's calls or texts in days and she's starting to get very worried!"

Does she not know about Raito's relationship with L? Or L's death? Surely she'd expect Raito to be mourning regardless of her knowledge of the former?

"Amane-san, please sit down in the living room and calm down. I'll go make us some tea, alright?"

The girl seemed hesitant, and her eyes kept flicking to the staircase as if she was contemplating running past Sachiko to confront Light herself. She didn't though, but she bit her glossed lip as she made her way to the loveseat in the living room. Sachiko excused herself, going into the kitchen, but continuing to the back door. She stepped outside as quietly as she could, pulling her cell phone out of her pocket and dialing her husband's number.

"Moshi moshi?"

"Soichiro, Amane Misa is at our house wondering why Raito hasn't answered her calls or texts."

"…she doesn't know about their relationship, or about L's death, and she's still under the impression that her and Raito are dating."

"So Raito was cheating on her?"

"Technically yes, but he never even kissed her, let alone spent quality time with her, so I doubt that counts as an actual relationship."

Sachiko shook her head to clear it of confusion, "What do I tell her? She's intent on seeing Raito but he's not in any condition to interact with her."

"Tell her…uh…just tell her that Raito is mourning his best friend Ryuuga's death and is extremely distraught over it. Remember, she has no idea that you know about L and Raito knowing each other, so she'll assume what you say is just a cover story you were told from someone here at headquarters."

"What's the point in lying though? Why can't we just tell her the truth?"

"She's bound to throw a fit and it'd be better if we put off telling her the truth until Raito is…back on his feet again, so he can work things out with her."

"But if we lie won't she go to headquarters to ask one of you about Raito?"

"…We'll have to cross that bridge when we get to it."

Sachiko sighed, "Fine. See you later tonight."

She ended the call and clicked her cell phone shut, walking back into the kitchen to make the tea she'd mentioned earlier. A few minutes later she went to rejoin Misa, two cups of tea in hand, only to find that the living room was lacking a blonde idol.

Did she leave? …Or go upstairs to find Raito?

"Raito!"

Light was startled into alertness as Misa shook him awake. He rubbed at his eyes to clear up his vision, and hardly had time to protect himself before he was attacked with kisses.

"Raito, you look awful! What's wrong? Oh, you smell weird! And did you lose weight-"

"Misa, stop-"

"You should be happy and out celebrating! Why haven't you called?"

"I-"

"Come on, get out of bed!" she pulled on his arm, glossed lips smiling at him happily.

"Please, Misa-"

She lowered her voice to an excited whisper, "L's dead! Isn't it great!"

Smack.

The sound of jewelry clinking was heard as Light's palm hit the fair skin of her face. The older girl gasped, her blue eyes widening, and Light's hand was still in the air. His face which had been void of any expression over the last few days was now sporting a plethora of emotions. He looked livid, shocked, and unbeknownst to the ditzy girl, pained. Her hand came to the left side of her face, and she simply stared at the brunette.

"W-Why…?"

"…"

"Raito?"

With slightly shaky hands she reached into the black purse she'd brought with her. In seconds Light was staring at a Death Note. The writing on the front was the same shiny silver, but it was in another language; a language he couldn't recognize as human. It obviously wasn't his Death Note, not the one Higuchi had…then whose?

"…Rem's Death Note?"

"Misa took it while everyone was preoccupied with L and Watari."

"But…how?"

"I told everyone I was going out shopping that day, so when everyone was paying attention to what was going on in the workroom, Misa went to where Rem said she would be and found her Death Note in a pile of sand. Misa left after that so no one would know she was even around."

Light's thoughts were a mess, his usually quick and sharp mind slower as it tried to catch up. He felt like he'd been in a weird dream-like state these past few days and had suddenly been doused with freezing water. His fingers gently caressed the smooth cover, and his fingers tingled, the sensation spreading throughout his body. His chest was warm, the feeling similar to how he felt after a few cups of wine. He felt something, deep inside him, waking up.

"…But wouldn't someone have had to let you into the building? Rem couldn't have done it if she was causing the distraction needed so no one would notice."

Misa nodded, looking a bit reassured by Light's sudden interest. "Rem bribed Ryuk with some of the rarest apples in the world to let me in."

"Rare apples?"

"Mmhmm; Bardsey apples, from the UK, I think. So Misa was able to get in, grab the Death Note, and get out without anyone noticing."

She held it out to him with an accomplished expression on her beautiful face, looking like a child waiting for a parent to praise them for good grades. As soon as the notebook was in his hands, he felt empowered. This was why he was God. He'd been slacking from his duty for a few days. That was unacceptable. The notebook was reawakening the drive to cleanse the world; however, with its departure had come a realization.

It's…addictive. The Death Note is like a drug…

Light's hands trembled, and he was tempted to drop the black notebook, but then there was a voice in his mind…a voice he wasn't sure was his at all.

You are God, and this is your tool of judgment…Use it, clean this rotten world!

I shouldn't…this…something doesn't feel right.

But the voice continued to encourage him, and he wasn't sure what to do. He felt like he was being pulled from two opposite directions; but Kira was all he knew. Judging, eliminating the filth that dared to walk around him, was almost second nature. He couldn't just say no…

Could he?

He opened the notebook, and suddenly he was flicking through the pages urgently. Looking for it…that name… It was…

L Lawliet.

"B-Beautiful…"

"What's beautiful?"

He didn't answer, his fingers tracing the letters over the page as if he could absorb them if he tried hard enough. It was ironic, he thought, that the man's name had actually been L. It was he was broken out of his internal musings as the door suddenly opened, and he quickly shoved the notebook beneath his covers. He saw his mother standing in the doorway, she looked surprised and a bit angry; he wondered if Misa had been allowed to come see him or not. From the guilty look on his 'girlfriend's' face, he'd guess not.

"I have to ask you to leave, Misa. Raito's not feeling well."

Misa looked to Light for an answer, and he nodded. "I'll talk to you in a few days. I need to think some things over."

The blonde nodded, pigtails bouncing as she did, and left without a word much like an obedient puppy. His mother stood there in shock. Just what could the blonde have said to him that had him actually responding? Sachiko then felt something while looking at her son that she'd never admit to, even on her deathbed:

Suspicion.

Author's Note: Okay, I don't know if any of you watch or have watched Hetalia: Axis Powers, but there's an episode where everyone hits Italy on the head (when he tried to invade them), so while hitting him they chant "Smack, smack, smack…" I have that as my text message notification sound, so I believe hearing that so often influenced my writing, hence two people getting smacked in one chapter… XD
Anyways, hope you enjoyed reading, and please leave a review! ^^