These fics were written for the 'Community TV Fic Battle' on LJ. Each author got a whole heap of prompts and the fics had to be 300+ words.

Author: Carly
Rating: Up to PG-13
Spoilers: Up to 3x22
Disclaimer: I don't own Community.

PROMPT 01: Someone in the study group somehow gets their hands on a few chapters from "Time Desk: The Adventures of Dean Dangerous." To everyone's shock, it's actually kind of good.

Chatterbox – chat4815162342

Coolcoolcool: Everyone here?
T-Bone: Yep
AE90: Here! =3
PhoningItIn: sigh
Cat_woman: yes
Blessed#1: Hellooooo!
YOURUSERNAMEHERE: H

YOURUSERNAMEHERE: ello?

YOURUSERNAMEHERE: I can't hEAR YOU GUYS

T-Bone: STOP BREAKING THE INTERNET PIERCE.
AE90: You're not supposed to hear us, Pierce. Are you at the library or something? See if someone can help you.
PhoningItIn: can we just get on with things?
Cat_woman: why where ru typing this from? Ur bikini waxing?
PhoningItIn: go play with some yarn
Coolcoolcool: Did everyone read the latest chapter? I could see some Inspector Spacetime parallels with the time window.
YOURUSERNAMEHERE: Yes I am heRE.
PhoningItIn: guys, Pierce found the time desk and transported himself ten years ago to when this convo began
AE90: You know we could just save the headache and have this conversation about the book in person like I suggested. It'd be like our own Jane Austen Book Club! =3
T-Bone: ooh or fight club!
PhoningItIn: Annie it's bad enough I'm reading this thing in the 1st place – I don't want 2 shame myself further by speaking about it out loud
PhoningItIn: it's like conjuring beetlejuice
Blessed#1: Who knew the Dean had some actual writing chops? I just assumed all his energy went into making inappropriate costumes.
Coolcoolcool: I also saw some IS parallels when the time desk had that malfunction like the X7 Dimensioniser did in episode 105.
YOURUSERNAMEHERE: bikini wax ha! why does annie keep adding a pe
PhoningItIn: …
PhoningItIn: wait 4 it

YOURUSERNAMEHERE: nis?

PhoningItIn: slow clap
AE90: Pierce, gross! It's a face! Can we just talk about the book please!
Cat_woman: he wrote the time traveller's meltdown really well when he was stuck in the future. it's like that thing I learnt in psych class wherejknhrjkhngjfng
Blessed#1: Pumpkin?
PhoningItIn: that's so funny I learnt afdsghdhsjgd in my legal studies class last week
Cat_woman: my cat just sat on the keyboard sorry
Coolcoolcool: Maybe we should re-schedule this chat for another time… desk.
YOURUSERNAMEHERE: Wait gang! I want to hear more about your thoughts on the Dean's writing abilities. It's nice he has fans. Maybe we could call ourselves the Dans!
T-Bone: GUYS I THINK PIERCE JUST HAD A REVERSE STROKE AND LEARNT HOW TO TYPE
PhoningItIn: wait a sec…
PhoningItIn: where are you pierce?
YOURUSERNAMEHERE: An internet café.
AE90: Hang on. Pierce you don't do internet cafes remember? You think that's where they serve actual computers to eat instead of food.
PhoningItIn: hmm… ok b4 I go I might just upload this pic of me from the gym but I don't know what button to press
YOURUSERNAMEHERE: IT'S THE TOP BUTTON ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE
PhoningItIn: ok there is no way ur still pierce
YOURUSERNAMEHERE: … Oopsie, you caught me, Jeffrey. It's the Dean! Pierce asked me for help navigating the chat room on one of the school computers and when I saw the conversation I was just so flattered. I'm so happy everyone likes my book! You like me, you really like me! 3
PhoningItIn: beetlejuice beetlejuice beetlejuice

PhoningItIn: (has left the conversation)
Coolcoolcool: (has left the conversation)
T-Bone: (has left the conversation)
Cat_woman: (has left the conversation)
AE90: (has left the conversation)
Blessed#1: (has left the conversation)

YOURUSERNAMEHERE: Hello? We must have all hit a bad connection.
YOURUSERNAMEHERE: Do you still need help uploading that photo Jeffrey?

PROMPT 02: The Happy Endings gang and our favorite study group run into each other during an epic vacation. Abed makes a comment about how Troy and Britta could learn something from Brad and Jane, which leads to interesting conversations. (Community/Happy Endings cross)

Pierce drained the last of his coconut drink. "… So then I said to Eartha Kitt, 'The turbulence is in my pants', if you catch my drift."

Alex smiled politely at him from across the dinner table before pausing mid-air with her fork. "Wait, I thought an earth kit was something you got on World Tree Day?" She frowned. "Maybe I'm not catching this drift."

"Sweetie, I don't think you want to catch anything from this man," Penny said under her breath, before beaming at Pierce. "Oh wow, now isn't this a co-inky-dink? They've started half-price drinks at the bar just when you need another one. You better scoot, you heartbreaker!"

"Would you ladies like one?" asked Pierce, standing up. "I'd suggest some coconuts but you already both have such a lovely bunch," he winked.

Alex choked on her salad. "Yep, caught that one," she wheezed, as Penny hit her on the back. "We'll be fine, thanks!"

"I'm so sorry about Pierce, girls," said Shirley, as they watched the old man trip over some fake sea creatures on his way to the bar. "We forgot his vacation muzzle."

"Is he always like that?" said Penny.

"This is him on a good day," Shirley muttered, before turning back to her conversation with Jeff, Annie, Dave and Max about who had the best 'sand in unfortunate places' story (currently Max was winning with, 'sands through the hourglass', "And so are the days of our lives," he added sagely).

"OK, how come we got stuck with Father Time?" complained Penny, slurping her Pina Colada. "This is not how I envisioned our beach vacay. Tall Seacrest guy seems fun, but he and the brunette look pretty cozy, which FYI, is totally cramping on my 'cute dark-haired girl of the group' sitch."

"Her name was a musical," recalled Alex. "Not like 'Godspell' or anything, that's way too old school," she laughed.

"Yes, because that's the problem with your name logic," said Penny, her gaze wandering to the end of the long table. "I wonder what Brad and Jane are talking about with those other three?"

Brad draped his arm across the back of his wife's chair. "So how long have you two been together for?" he asked Troy and Britta.

"What?" they squawked in unison, before Britta chuckled nervously. "We're just friends! Buddies! Compadres! Not that we should need labels to define us, of course, no matter what society tells us." She raised her fist in defiance. "Stick it to the man!"

"Yeah, stick it to all the men," crowed Troy. "Hang on…"

"Ooh, Awkward Town, sorry," said Brad. "It's just you guys remind me of a couple. Right, babe?" he smirked at Jane.

"Oh yeah," she grinned. "I'm picking up what you're putting down, mister. Down on the table, on the beach, on the sidewalk – although rubber gloves would have to be worn because that is disgusting – but I'm picking it up all the same!"

"I can see some comparisons between the four of you as well," nodded Abed. "Maybe there was a bigger reason why our two groups were forced to sit together tonight – aside from the hotel restaurant being 'conveniently' too full." He pointed between the pairs. "This could be a 'Love Actually' or 'Valentine's Day' moment where stories intersect between the cast of thousands and wisdom is departed."

Brad stared at him. "Bro, I don't know what film reel you're smoking but the couple we were talking about were Wendy and Jonas from apartmentholdonasec…" he gasped, clutching his chest. "Are you just comparing us with your friends because of the delicious brown and white chocolate combo?"

"No," Abed blinked, unfazed.

"Oh," said Brad, dropping his hand from his shirt. "That's OK then."

"It's due to the fact that in the short space of time we've known each other you and Troy have both bonded and cried over Home Alone 2…"

Troy bit into his fist. "That pigeon lady had no one," he said in a high-pitched voice as Britta squeezed his arm in sympathy.

"Don't bring up the turtle doves again," whispered Jane, rubbing her hand over Brad's back while he whimpered.

Abed silently complied before continuing. "And Britta and Jane, you've both mocked the couple two tables over for wanting to celebrate International Kissing Day."

"International Suckers Day more like it," said Britta, jerking her thumb out as if to say, 'these morons'. "I'm surprised Hallmark haven't cornered that market yet to fill in the gaps between Valentine's Day."

Jane nodded, forcing out a smile towards Abed. "I wanted to punch your tiny adorable head for even mentioning the V-Day movie before."

"My baby's got irrational holiday issues," said Brad proudly, earning a glare from Jane. "Irrational sexy holiday issues…"

"I still don't get it though, man," said Troy, turning towards Abed. "So we've got a few random things in common. Why's it important these two give us wisdom or whatever?" He chuckled. "Are you working your 'I can see the future' magic again like you did with your Community College Chronicles?" He froze. "Wait, are you?"

"Spoilers," said Abed mysteriously before rising from his chair. "I need to pee."

Britta, Troy, Brad and Jane looked at one another uncomfortably for a beat before Brad spoke up. "So… I guess we better address the elephant in the room." Everyone agreed so Brad continued. "On a scale of one to 'True Lies', how much does he look like Jamie Lee Curtis to you?"

PROMPT 03: Back in October 2011, a schlock producer came to Greendale, looking for inspiration, and he met the study group and spent an afternoon with them.

Now, in October 2012, the group gathers at Jeff's apartment to watch the movie that somehow came from that afternoon: A SyFy Channel Original Movie called "TyrannoMantis", in which seven campers are stalked by a Praying Mantis/T-Rex hybrid in the Rocky Mountains.

Jeff scrutinized the TV Guide while everyone made themselves comfortable in front of the flatscreen in his apartment. "TyrannoMantis," he read aloud, "the Starship Troopers/Jurassic Park mash-up movie no one wanted. Well, this already sounds promising."

"I still can't believe we're going to be on television," said Shirley, taking out a container of baked goods from her purse to share.

"And I still can't believe we agreed to star pro bono," replied Jeff, waiting for the obligatory giggles from Troy and Pierce to die down. "Your internship with that douchebag producer better have been worth it, Abed."

"Working alongside Chadd Maxx was a Z-grade movie maker's dream," said Abed, piling up a napkin with brownies.

Annie frowned at him. "Wait, Z-grade? How is that a good thing?"

"It's for the lull in my directorial career where I make a movie so bad it's good and I hit cult status," Abed explained. "Like Avatar."

"Ooh, it's starting," said Troy, inching closer to the screen as stock footage of the Rocky Mountains appeared.

"Why is the picture so shaky?" said Shirley. "I feel like I'm watching it through a blender."

"You guys can see that too?" said Pierce in relief.

"It's a Blair Witch Project homage," said Abed. "Classic Chadd Maxx move."

Shirley nodded along unconvincingly. "Oh yes, the Blair Witch Project… That's a show on Bravo, right?"

"Look, it's us!" cried Britta, hitting Troy and Annie's arms in excitement. "We're at the campsite! We're going to hear the monster so soon you guys!"

Jeff picked up the remote and pursed his lips. "Hmm, I don't remember clicking on the bonus movie commentary, 'Narrating the blindingly obvious' edition."

"And I don't remember this close-up being shot, but your forehead is looking more mammoth than usual," Britta smirked, as the camera jerkily zoomed in on Jeff's face.

Troy cringed. "It's like that movie they made us watch at school about the moon landing."

"Can we please just be quiet and watch the film?" said Annie. "I'd like to at least see some of it before my motion sickness kicks in."

"Look, the trees are moving – you know what that means…" Britta whispered, ignoring Jeff who was clicking the off switch on the remote at her.

"Did anyone hear that noise?" yelped Troy, dropping his s'more.

"Don't worry," said Pierce. "It's probably just a raccoon. Or a flesh-eating grizzly bear. Something harmless for sure."

"And to think that only took forty-five takes," drawled Jeff.

Pierce scoffed at him. "I happen to become more perfect over the course of time – like cheese."

"Cheese is right. Cheesy acting."

"Goes well with your ham, Jeff," commented Abed.

Jeff gaped at him. "What?"

"You'll see."

"What do we do if it's not something harmless?" shivered Annie.

"Use our teleporters to transport us back to base camp of course," said Abed, fiddling around with a band on his wrist. "Uh-oh. No signal."

Everyone looked at their wristbands in horror. "How are we supposed to get home now?" cried Jeff, gesturing wildly. "Hike? This is the year twenty-thirty, dammit!" He clenched his fist in the air. "TWENTY-THIRTY!"

Abed raised an eyebrow at Jeff as he winced, turning down the volume a few notches.

"Want some eggs with that performance, Winger?" Pierce gloated.

"Maybe we should split up and walk around until we find a signal boost somewhere?" said Britta.

Another low growl interrupted their conversation before an enormous creature burst through the trees and crashed towards their campsite.

"What is that thing?" Shirley screamed. "It has the head of a dinosaur and the body of a bug!"

"It's a TyrannoMantis!" yelled Troy, ducking for cover. "It finally has arms long enough to reach stuff! Nature has thwarted us!"

The study group sat in bewildered silence as a terrible CGI TyrannoMantis stomped through some equally terrible green-screen footage of their characters running across the grounds of Greendale, mocked up to be a campsite.

"This is the crappiest thing I have ever seen on TV – and I accidentally caught Dane Cook's new sitcom last week," said Jeff, as the others murmured their agreement.

"We're still going to watch it all, though, aren't we?" said Annie.

"Hell yeah," said Jeff, throwing some popcorn in his mouth. "Pierce still hasn't been severed in half by the TyrannoMantis's arms yet. That alone is worth the continued embarrassment."

PROMPT 04: When arriving to the library, the study group finds an alternative study group formed by Leonard, Magnitude, Vicky, Quendra, Neil and Todd/Rich (or both, if you feel like it) sitting on Room F. Instead of battling for the table, they decide to observe them from the distance and find out their group behaves similarly to theirs (Leonard making inappropiate jokes, Vicky and Neil ~glancing at each other, etc.)

Bonus points if they bring back the theory that the table/chairs are magical and their seats determine their role within the group.

"It feels like we're at a zoo, but, like, a people zoo," whispered Troy from behind the window of Study Room F. "I wonder if anyone spies on us when we're in there?"

"They do," said Jeff, craning his neck to get a better view. "They're called 'The Dean'."

"Would you two fools be quiet already?" hissed Shirley, making sure the rest of the group were well hidden. "There's no point in eavesdropping if we get caught!"

The seven of them fell silent and refocused on the students currently invading their study table. As Abed had stated earlier, it was like a Bizzaro World version of themselves. Neil was in Jeff's chair, Vicki in Annie's, Rich in Shirley's, Leonard in Pierce's seat, Magnitude in Troy's, Todd in Abed's and Quendra in Britta's place.

Vicki checked her watch. "Can we hurry up and choose our five items for the experiment tomorrow, guys? I have another class to get to."

"Pop, pop!" said Magnitude, raising his hands to the ceiling.

"We get it, man," sighed Neil. "You have a catch phrase. But you're not helping."

"No, I meant 'pop' like soda pop," Magnitude replied, his face falling. "I thought we could deep fry a bottle."

Quendra nodded enthusiastically. "Good one, Magnet!" She tossed her hair over her shoulder. "I was also thinking we could try and fry some keys…"

"Wait for it," murmured Neil.

"Spelt with a 'qu'," she finished with a smile.

Leonard blew a raspberry at her while the rest of the group groaned ("You're the pits, Quendra!", "Offence taken!", "You know what other 'k' word you can change? Kiss my…").

"OK, gang, time out," said Rich genially, making a T sign with his hands. "That's not very nice of us. 'Can I fry that?' is supposed to be a fun class."

"I'd suggest we fry Neil's frank and beans but Vicki's already got them in a vice," Leonard snickered.

"Shut up, Leonard, we know about your other R-rated YouTube channel," Neil retorted. "And don't talk about Vicki like that."

Vicki smiled shyly at Neil. "Thank you."

"Uh-oh," Rich chuckled. "The doctor is in the house and I seem to be diagnosing a severe case of googly eyes between you two love bunnies."

Neil and Vicki guiltily averted their gaze away from one another while Quendra folded her arms. "Now who's the pits?" she taunted.

"I'm getting a bad case of déjà vu being in here with all this negativity," Todd shivered. "Ghosts of study groups past."

"Well the Ghost of Christmas Future's telling you to suck it up," Leonard said gruffly.

Todd stared blankly at him. "I don't get it."

"It's a movie reference," said Vicki.

"Oh! Right. I don't actually watch a lot of movies," confessed Todd. "More of a jigsaw puzzle man myself."

Magnitude's eyes lit up. "Same! Those thousand piece ones are killers." He held his hand out for a fist bump, which Todd happily returned. "Pop, pop!"

"Well come on then, champs," beamed Rich, addressing the group. "Let's puzzle this assignment out!"

"He's beyond determined to convert us to his positive thinking," Neil muttered under his breath to Vicki, who raised her eyebrows in acknowledgement. They all jumped with a start when they heard a crash outside in the hall.

The original study group sprinted around the corner so they wouldn't be seen, chastising Pierce for bumping over a pot plant ("I was trying to get closer," he protested. "My earnoculars weren't working.").

"That was so weird," exclaimed Annie. "It's like they were picking up some of our traits. Well, except for you-know-who. I don't actually watch a lot of movies," she mocked. "That was Todd, just before."

"Gee, thanks for the clarification," said Jeff.

"I'm going to have to find a replacement and train him up," said Abed, shaking his head. "If we're going to be overrun by our evil doppelgangers then I don't want Todd representing me in the Mirror Universe."

Shirley clutched her purse. "I don't know about any Mirror Universes or what have you, but what if Jeff was right last year. What if the table is… magic?"

"You guys remember that I had inhaled a lot of monkey gas at the time, right?" said Jeff. "I could have said this photocopier was magic and spun a speech about it printing insights into our souls."

"Ooh," said Troy, touching the machine with reverence. "No, wait, I am not cheating on our magic study table." He pointed at Jeff. "You can't backtrack now, dude, that table does hold a lot of power."

"I actually agree," said Britta. "My psych classes have opened my eyes to the deeper workings of the human brain and we're wired to believe some pretty funky things."

"Maybe that's why we didn't ask for a new table after Jeff attacked it with an axe like a crazy person," Annie pointed out. "It's part of our story."

Jeff sighed, hiding a small smile. "OK, fine, the table is still magic. Let's go grab some lunch – just not anything you can fry."

As they walked off the Dean sprang out from behind a bookshelf where he'd been spying on them. He tiptoed over to the photocopier and slowly placed his hands on top, trying to feel a surge of power. "Abraca-dean-bra?" he said, furrowing his eyebrows. "Hmm, maybe I need a wand or something…"

PROMPT 05: The study group enrols in a camping elective. Hilarity ensues.

09/22/12
Dean Craig Pelton
Greendale Community College

FROM: Professor Leopold Spritz
The Fiery Pits of Hell (aka GCC)

Dear Dean Pelton,

I am resigning from my position as professor of 'Camping 101: The Great Outdoors'. I understand that I have only taught one class, but after seeing the type of students I will be involved with at this establishment, I have not only lost the camping joie de vivre but I also weep for humanity.

Here is a list of reasons why I have chosen to resign:

01. Blatant sexual innuendo from an older student undermining the sanctity of camping. Examples: "There's a tent already pitched in my pants", "I'll show you what else is erect", "My sleeping bag is king size just like my junk".

02. Incessant questioning about what would be the best "form of attack" if our campground was infiltrated by either Jason Voorhees, ghosts, a 'TyrannoMantis' or the ghost of Jason Voorhees.

03. Hell erupting when one student thought the purple Band-Aids from their first aid kit had been stolen. Further hell erupting when said student attempted to tear through everyone else's first aid kit so thoroughly; the kits needed their own first aid.

04. One student having a nosebleed when they thought ghosts had stolen the Band-Aids and then accusing me of not preparing them properly for the attack.

05. Students using tent poles as lightsabers.

06. Students using tent poles for aforementioned 'erect' jokes.

07. The 'Greendale 7', as I've now heard they're called, getting into an argument about the length of time to roast a marshmallow, which turned into a whole-class fracas, which then turned into a team of Boy Scouts vs. Girl Guides, which then ended in a horrifically violent war. A spit ball war.

Good luck running your zoo, Dean Pelton. And thank you for allowing me to set foot in a place that has crushed my spirit and no longer given me reason to see the 'great' in the 'great outdoors'. My therapy bill will be in the mail.

Yours despairingly,

Professor Leopold Spritz