I can't believe I let myself write this. But on the bright side, guess what? MOAR DOWN TIME! …and if you remember from my previous Down Time fics…there IS no Down Time three! So I skipped it and went to four! So prepare yourselves…this is the most dumb adventure yet!

CHAPTER 1: Pig Slapping.

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"All right, honey, your instructions are simple. You have to escort us to Kakariko Village, because all the guards here in castle town are ninnies and maybe that's how Ganondorf got into the castle in the first place and captured Zelda…" Telma trailed off momentarily. "Ah, you know what I mean. Now saddle up, sonny boy, we're off!"

Link looked down at the fat cream colored cat that had sat down on his boots, refusing to leave. Telma skipped out the bar, Ilia following quickly behind. Midna floated out of his shadow and took a solid form.

"Ahsi diwi diwo?" She asked.

"As soon as I get the stupid cat off me…" Link tried to move, but the cat hooked its claws into his pant leg and refused to let go. So Link had to drag a fat cat around on his left leg. It slowed him down greatly, but he made it outside; where he got on Epona.

So Midna, Link, Epona, and the fat cream coloured cat made their way across Castle Town, coming to the edge of Hyrule field. Telma, Ilia and the Zora child were already waiting, somehow.

"Hey…what's your name?" Ilia asked from inside the cart. "I mean…you're doing a great thing for us. I aughta know your name."

"I'm Link." Link crossed his fingers behind his back, hoping she would remember him, even a little. Even the bad stuff, if that helped.

"Link…hmmm…sounds familiar…It sorta reminds me of a kid I think I used to know…he talked to his own shadow and shouted at his fairy to 'SHUT THE HELL-O UP!'. Oh, and I think he used to shoot bomb arrows at random cliffs…" She trailed off and fixed Link with a long stare. "I hope you're more mature than that."

"Yes, I am." Link said, hunching over and looking ashamed.

Midna laughed from his shadow. Link hissed something along the lines of 'shut your pie-hole.' Before turning back to Ilia again, who had a disturbed look on her face.

"You ready, honey?" Telma called. "Because I am. I want to reach Kakariko before it's too late."

Link snapped Epona's reigns and he took the lead, even though Ilia's eyes were boring holes into his back as he rode off.

All was well until they came to the bridge. There, on the other end, was PigButt; the ugliest Orc thing ever to walk Hyrule or the Twilight or anything else. He stared at them with his little piggy eyes, and said quite stupidly, "Duuuhhhrr….who're you?"

Link drew his sword, looking all heroic as he lifted it up into the air. "I AM LINK! SAVIOR OF HYRULE AND SWORN PROTECTOR OF ALL-AAAAGH!" He shouted as Epona reared, mostly for effect, sending him falling backwards and onto his neck. The Master Sword clattered out of his grip and nearly fell off the bridge had Navi not saved it.

"Heh. Heh. You funny." PigButt said, scratching his butt. "But I have to kill you now. Sorry, Link; savior of all Hyrule and sworn protector of AAAAGH." He lifted a double-edged axe and came riding at him on a large boar/warthog thing.

"WHOA CRAP!" Link screamed, scrambling onto Epona's back and grabbing the sword from his annoying fairy. Epona took off at PigButt, and Link waved his sword everywhere, terrified but not going to admit it. His sword clanged against PigButt's shield, making the sword almost vibrate out of his grasp again.

PigButt turned and darted for him again. This time, Link was ready. He lifted his sword and slapped PigButt off the bridge into the water, where he preceded to drown.

"Yes! It is safe now!" Link said, lifting his sword in a victory pose. "We can continue on our quest for Kak-AAAAGH!" he fell backwards off Epona again, tumbling over the bridge's edges and into the endlessness below.

He hit the water hard, surfaced and managed to find a island to crawl onto pitifully. Unfortunately, it was already inhabited.

"WE MEET AGAIN, LINK! SWORN PROTECTOR OF AAAGH!" PigButt said evilly, getting into a fighting stance.

Link pulled himself up and got into a similar fighting stance. But there was no way his skinny backside was going to defeat PigButt's bloated one. But then again, he could defeat the mayor of his village, who was a thousand pounds more heavy than him. So of course he had a chance.

PigButt tossed Link into the water, where a piranha tried to eat him.

Midna floated out of his shadow, watching Link's epic battle against the flesh-addicted zombie fish thing. She almost died laughing.

Link got back out of the water and faced PigButt, ready for the worst. His opponent stared at him, and then they fought. It was fierce. It was deadly. It was…it was…

"CATFIGHT!" PigButt cried, waving his hands wildly in Link's face, who did the same to PigButt. It was a sissy fight.

Even the cream coloured cat agreed with the sissy fight. It finally detached itself from Link's leg and attached itself to PigButt's face, who fell backwards into the water and drowned.

Link sorta just stood there for a while before Midna took a solid form and punched him, reminding him of what he was suppost to be doing before the pig slapping took place.

"Hey! Hey! Hey! Stick to the plan! Hey! Listen! Stick to the plan! Listen!" Navi chimed in unnecessarily.

"SHUT THE HELL-O UP, STUPID FAIRY!" Link shouted.

"Hey! That's not nice! Hey! Listen! GET YOUR BUTT BACK UP ON THE BRIDGE!" Navi's high pitched voice suddenly turned evil and deep.

Link did that.

Special thanks to Petals in the Breeze for the awesome idea that made this first chapter! I owe everything to them!

And thus this takes us to chapter two…(Go to next chapter…)…