Chapter One: iLap Dance

"You're going to have to leave something behind," Carly told Sam, pointing at the massive pile of luggage Freddie was trying to shove into the trunk of Mrs. Benson's silver Prius. "You brought more stuff than even me!"

Freddie let out a groan as he attempted to lift another bulging suitcase. "What the fudge is in here? It weighs a ton!"

Sam rolled her eyes. "Fudge…just twenty, maybe thirty pounds…"

"Sam!" Carly chastised, looking at the suitcase in disbelief. "You filled ten suitcases with fudge?"

"No, only that suitcase has fudge. But I also brought ham and low-fat fat cakes."

Carly opened her mouth to say something, but she was cut off by the sound of Freddie yelling. He had dropped Sam's heavy suitcase on his foot and was hopping around, holding his foot, and muttering swear words under his breath. Sam only caught, "…ham…demon…crossword puzzle…"

Sam snickered as she watched Freddie fall over. That nub had as much balance as her three-legged cat Frothy.

Carly sighed. "It won't all fit, and now you've injured Freddie. We have to leave the fat cakes behind."

Sam gasped and went to stand protectively in front of her snacks. "No fat cake gets left behind," she growled, crossing her arms.

Carly held up her hands in surrender and backed away slowly. She felt like she had just awoken an angry bear in the middle of hibernation. "Just a suggestion…"

We may have to leave Freddie behind.

After much arguing, Carly managed to make an agreement. All of Sam's stuff could stay…if she rode shotgun and Freddie drove while Carly rode in the backseat with her luggage and Frothy, who Sam had insisted on bringing.

Sam and Freddie weren't too keen on the idea of sitting next to each other for the two-day road trip. Carly knew only two of the three friends would most likely return, but as long as she got to enjoy the road trip, she could accept it. She might even murder one of them herself if it meant she could get a little peace and quiet.

"Would you just pick a station?" Freddie groaned as Sam leaned forward to change the radio station for the millionth time. "I'm trying to drive here! Do you have any idea how distracting it is when you're listening to a Ginger Fox song that suddenly becomes country?"

"Do you have any idea how many ways I could kill you with a ketchup bottle?" Sam retorted, glaring at him. "Nineteen, Freddie. Nineteen."

Freddie gulped. Fortunately Sam didn't touch the radio again when "Running Away" by AM came on. He eyed the blonde girl nervously, wondering if she remembered that this song had been playing in the background the night they'd shared their first kiss. Was she also thinking about that night? Probably not. It was more likely that Sam was thinking about fried chicken than him. It was just fine by him.

"Hey, is that Robin's Wieners?" Sam asked suddenly. She dropped the fat cake she was chewing and leaned across Freddie to stare out his window.

Freddie grimaced. Sam was practically laying on his lap! She was so close he could smell her meat-scented perfume. "Sam, get off me! I can't drive when you're giving me a lap dance!"

Sam moved back to her seat and smirked. "That wasn't a lap dance, Frednub. But I can understand why you made the mistake. That was the closest you're ever going to get to sexual contact."

"I could get sexual contact!"

"Stroking the keyboard of your laptop doesn't count."

"Knock it off, you two!" Carly piped up from the backseat. "I'm trying to sleep. Frothy is making it hard enough." There was a hiss from the backseat. "I think he's trying to rape me! Oh my God, this is like the goat on my birthday all over again," she wailed.

"It's his fault," Sam muttered. She wrinkled her nose at the cloying scent coming from Freddie. "Ugh! You smell like roses! Dude, you gotta stop buying cologne from the local hobos."

"It's not cologne!" Freddie said. "It's women's perfume. It's going to help me attract girls since they obviously like the smell. That's why they buy it themselves." He smiled smugly at Sam. "It's called 'Passion'."

Sam let out a groan and dropped her head in her hands. "Two days with him? I can't take it…"

"Oh, like being near you gives me such euphoria."

"The only thing that's keeping you alive is the fact that I like my meat fresh." Sam turned her body as far away from Freddie as possible and stared out the window, frowning, until she saw something that made her whole face light up. "And speaking of meat, I really see Robin's Wieners this time! Pull over," she demanded.

Freddie, wanting to keep his eyeballs inside his head, pulled over to the side of the road by the hot dog stand.

"Want me to bring you back a hot dog?" Freddie asked Carly. She had abandoned all hope of getting any sleep. Instead, she was eyeing the cat suspiciously.

"No, that's okay," she said fearfully. "I think food would only put Frothy in the mood."

"In the mood for what?"

"Don't ask. Just go buy Sam a hot dog before there's a repeat of last time."

"Hey!" Sam protested, a smile on her face. "That was an emergency. Mom didn't feed me for a whole week and your fridge had nothing but tofu in it. It's not my fault that Rabbi just happened to walk by with food when I was so hungry."

"Still," Freddie added, rolling his eyes, "was it really necessary to steal his hat too?"

Sam shrugged. "I needed to get something for my mom's boyfriend's birthday."

Carly laughed. "But you got him arrested."

"Too bad for him." Bored with the conversation, Sam cheered and ran toward the stand, her mouth watering at the heavenly smell of pork.

Freddie managed to convince her to only buy a dozen hot dogs by promising he would buy her two dozen on the way back to Seattle; Sam reluctantly agreed.

After watching Sam inhale six hot dogs in under a minute, Freddie lost his appetite and was ready to get back sure Carly hadn't been raped by Frothy.

"Come on, Sam. You've made me very poor, now let's get back before Frothy tries to make a move on Carly."

Sam was too busy munching on a hot dog to hear Freddie, small sounds of pleasure escaping her mouth. Food undoubtedly made her happier than sex ever could.

Suddenly Freddie heard a scream. "Sam, we really have to go!" he shouted, grabbing her wrist and trying to drag her to the car.

"Get your hand off me," Sam threatened, "unless you want me to eat it. I've got some extra mustard."

"But Carly is-"

"I mean it, Freddie! I've got a rape whistle." Sighing, Freddie released her, and Sam resumed eating one of Robin's Wieners with a smile on her face. She had won this round.

A/N: Like it? Hate it? If you did, leave a review. If you didn't…go buy a plant to fill the empty hole in your life AND leave a review.

P.S. Not convinced? If you don't leave me a review…I'll hunt you down using only a duck. And I got a guy with a duck on speed dial.

P.P.S. This will either be a two-shot or a three-shot.