Chapter 3

His feet felt as if massive weights of lead were attached to them. Each step heavier than the previous as he continued to walk. He didn't know what he was going to say, only that he needed to do this. Sweeping his hand through his hair, he fidgeted pushing both his hands into his pockets. He made his way through the isles, his steps slowing as he passed the headstones closer and closer as he approached his mother's. Sighing he paused, pulling his hands from his pockets and straightened himself.

He took a deep breath before exhaling very, very slowly. He turned and walked the remaining few steps to his mother's grave. He bowed his head, bringing himself gently to his knees. His head lower than the headstone, he took another breath and closed his eyes—not knowing where to begin.

He slowly exhaled again before beginning, "I—I don't know where to start… I never-would never do something like that. I—I thought—" He paused trying to form words, but finding it difficult with his suddenly too dry throat, "I just… I'm sorry." He loves literature, any literature—Japanese or English, yet now he has so much difficulty, he is surprised. The pause is long. He doesn't know how much time has passed, but vaguely realizes that his neck is becoming stiff.
He begins again. "I don't know how I ever let it get that far. I—I really don't know." He swallows painfully, "If Ru-Rukia hadn't been th—there. I—I don't know what would have happened. I'm sorry Okaa-san. So, so sorry." He can feel his eyes burn and tries valiantly not to cry. "I promise. I promise I'll never let it get that far."

Words come easier now, almost as if a dam has been broken and sincerity spills through each word. "I'm so lost—I can't—thought I couldn't do it. I didn't feel anything. I'm sorry. It can never excuse my behavior—it can't and will never bring back my life. Rukia has changed me so much—it's empty without her—the thought of never seeing her again was terrifying. She's—but it isn't an excuse is it? It can never be.

"I never would leave Yuzu or Karin. I won't leave unless I have to. I will try harder than ever. I—I'm going to find out who I am, to find out what and where my power lies. I'll never put anyone through that. It's bad enough that Rukia was able to see it. Okaa-san please, I beg you, please continue to guide. I beg you for forgiveness and I will be better than who I was." His eyes prickled with tears, breathing heavily through his nose, "I will never be so weak again. I will ask for help when I need it—just please don't lose hope in me. I'll gain back the true meaning of my name. I love you Okaa-san. Thank you so much for sending Rukia my way. I can't even begin to imagine—life without her noisiness is hard—but I know that I will see everyone again. Thank you Okaa-san."

He stayed still for a few more moments before finally started raising his upper body, head still inclined lover than the tombstone. Wind rustled the leaves, swirling his long hair in all directions. He felt compelled to look up, his eyes flashing to the on top of the tombstone. A phantom touch lingered on his cheek and then forehead, before he could move.

He felt is heart lightening before he moved gently to his feet. Looking at the tombstone, he gave another respectful bow. His words so true, so sincere drifted through the wind, "Thank you."

Another breeze drifted through before a strong gust of wind came headlong, pushing his coat and hair back. He closed his eyes savouring the moment. Nothing was ever a coincidence. He began to make his way out of the cemetery, walking with purpose. He couldn't help but feel as if he wasn't walking alone.

Almost as if someone was smiling up at him—leaning into him in relief and pride. He sighed, maybe he was thinking too much. He was able to accomplish what he set out to today. Partially at the very least.

As he continued to walk out the cemetery he found his mind drifting to another place. There was a lot left to do today. He pulled out his iPod, slipping the headphones on he scrolled through the songs looking for one in particular. Finding it, he pressed play and felt a smirk tug on his lips. He exited the cemetery with the Chappy Theme song playing.

It was with startling to see how much he had withdrawn from everyone at the loss of his powers. Monday morning had been routine, only he noticed that no one had approached his desk in the morning. Though they did glance towards him warily, they kept their distance—afraid of his reaction. He decided not to look into it too closely.

Come lunch time, he had ambled up the familiar path to the roof. His spot was still empty, his friends still there. As he sat down, and began to listen he discovered that his friends were discussing their plans for graduation. A party.

The avenue, food, drinks, maybe the beach? They all bounced ideas. Even Ishida contributed. Or Chad nodded or grunted in approval or disproval. He looked from one side to another before noticing that no one had spoken to him, almost if he was a wall.

"I just don't know if going to beach is such a great idea. You can't guarantee we'll get that great of weather."

"Plus, it's March."

"Don't be pessimistic! This is the perfect time—just think about it. All those lovely girls, all cold and—Owwww! You bitch!"

"Watch it!"

"Don't be an idiot, like any of us would even consider wearing a swim suit in this weather. It would be plain idiotic!"
"I really think that going elsewhere would be nicer… like say the amusement park."

"Clearly your opinion does not matter."

"What about a picnic?"

"Boring!"

"Don't say that to her, you jerk!"

He found himself clearing his throat and saying in a rather questioning tone, "My mother's family owns an Onsen in Aomori. We could make it a weekend of it."

His words created quite the reaction, at first most everyone was stunned he had even spoken—the widening of eyes, considering the option and then a very large and almost unanimous happiness over the suggestion. There was overwhelming confusion and just a little bit of incredulity.

"Do you think we could make reservations?" Ishida regarded him carefully but nodded with a slight smile on his face.

"What is there to do around there?"

"Holy crap! Why didn't we think of that before –you are a freaking genius!"

He swallowed a sip of his water before answering, "Ah, I'm sure it'll be fine. But I'll call Gran when I get home—and there's lots to do, they have a festival going on around the time we'll be going and there's great beaches and camping area around there." He couldn't help but feel gratitude for Ishida when he asked a simple question, making the entire thing so much less significant that it seemed to have been.

Slowly he found himself unwound bit by bit into the lull of friendship. He was still fairly quiet but gave an answer to most questions or ideas being thrown around for their graduating year. Then questions ran all over asking what everyone's plan was for after school. He could almost feel a slight pressure on his left shoulder and a comforting squeeze of a delicate hand. He closed his eyes for less than a moment relishing in the feel of it before continuing into the conversations around him.

All too soon lunch was over and they began to make their way to class, when he felt a tug on his arm. He looked up to meet Ishida's blue eyes. Jerking his head to the right, he followed him silently.

There was a pause as if Ishida wasn't quite sure where to begin, but decided to just plow on ahead, "What changed?"

Ichigo wasn't sure how to answer, but let out a deep breath. Were they friends? They always did have a weird rivalry that made no sense to him, but he supposed he did deserve answers. "I realized something the hard way and got my ass kicked."

He looked on meeting Ishida's hard look, "Well then, welcome back to the living." With that Ishida left him staring at his back before he shook his head and followed suit. Some things really don't change, no matter how much time passes. No matter how much a person may change. It was funny really, how much he had changed. All because—was there a point of even saying it?

He had admitted it to himself. That was more than enough.

He followed in a leisure pace to the classroom and found himself immersed in the rush of excitement of end of year plans. Only to realize that he, himself hadn't even applied to any school—rather hadn't decided which schools to go to. Why had that been? Did he just not think it thoroughly enough? Or was it that he had always planned on making a living over in Soul Society?

Either way, he needed to plan. Because he need to live. To live is to make goals and achieve them with expectations that far exceeded your own. Pulling out his note book, he took diligent notes all the while scribbling possibilities of careers in the margins.

That night another dream greeted him. This time as he sat under the shade of the lone tree, in the beautiful meadow, he was greeted by someone he hadn't expected.

"The rain has slowed." Greeted a voice he hadn't thought to see. "I nearly drowned… do you know how much power you gave away? The consequences?"

He couldn't really find his voice, but everything was the same. He looked just as he had the last time, the mocking eyebrow. The broody set of shoulders, down to the slight curl of his hair.

"No? Well, then I shall inform you. I warned you not to do what you were about to." There was a slight twitch of his lip, "The powers were so displaced that you needed time for everything to equalize once again. The loss of your powers—while temporary has caused greater consequences that benefits."

"In what way?"

"What do you guard? Why did you fight head on? The powers wanted redemption and yet instead of redeeming yourself, you decided you need to wallow in self-pity. Your head space has depilated to the extent that I had to retreat to the deepest of recessions of your mind."

Ichigo thought furiously, if that had been the case, it made even more sense that part of fighting spirit had also disappeared. He knew losing his powers had been a cause, had he known that it would always be temporary... Maybe he wouldn't have had such a negative reaction? What did this mean about his Hallow form?

As if reading his thoughts his zanpukto answered, "He seems to have fallen into slumber as well. Far deeper than my own, however, be wary this is not exactly the end of him. He will demand a battle to see if you are worthy." He paused turning to look properly at his host, "However, at the pitiful level you are at now, I know you would be able to do little. You will need to heal, both mentally and physically before I demand my price."

Just as the last words were spoken, he disappeared in a swallow of shadows. Ichigo watched the spot for a several moments. What could he possibly say? He leaned his head back against the trunk of the tree. He had really damaged himself.

The amount of work he had to do to be healthy again. He knew that everyone was surprised with his participation. It was staggering to know just how depressed he had been.

Watching the leaves rustle in the light breeze above him, he didn't feel the presence of someone leaning on him until a finger reached out to poke him on the cheek. He turned directly to the finger, following it slowly to the eyes of Rukia. She smiled gaily at him, causing a small heartfelt smile to grace his lips. His worries lifting as they entered idle chat.

A/N
SO…. umm… I actually have a legitimate excuse! I promise!

Now I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I have two older brothers that are identical twins, one is in the States finishing up med school and the other is across the pond finishing up his law school. Either way, I was very much surprised to see the two of them since they weren't able to come down earlier (last year). So James (the Brit) decided to introduce to me Sherlock BBC, and well the rest is history— I was hooked! I went through this phase of utter fangirlness. It was horrible. I can't remember much form that period just that I slept, dreamt, and talked about Sherlock.

That was the first two weeks and then both James and Julian (the Yankee) decided it would be great to take me bungee jumping as a belated birthday present. Now you need parental permission if you aren't legal age—which for some reason my parents decided to give. Really, what the hell is wrong with them? Now I'm not sure if anyone actually knows this but bungee jumping is painful! You are tugged up and down due to the elasticity of the rope, which means if you don't keep your arms in line—you can pull and jerk your shoulder muscles and your back. Now, dear reader, you may ask how I know this? Simple really, I was the poor chit to experience it. God, how I hate those twins. I still don't know how they talked me into it. Anyway, I do humbly apologies for my inability and then writer's block. I promise to deliver chapters more aptly next time.