Nothing But the Truth

Summary: After a run in with some bad magic, Tony Stark is rendered unable to lie. Hilarity ensues.

notes: hello avengers archive! it's nice to finally be here
notes the second: Originally a prompt on the Avengerskinkmeme. The round was closed, so I can't link to there, but it you're the requesting anon then here you go!
notes the third: not sure how long this'll run, or how frequently I'll update. It's fun nonetheless; after reading so many Tony Snark fics I just had to try it myself

It all started on a Monday.

Tony Stark was down in his lab, AC/DC blaring in one ear and Jarvis giving him helpful instructions in the other, when the AI's voice was taken over by a severely less pleasant one. Tony jumped and nearly skewered the dethatched metal arm with his screwdriver.

"What the-" he started, eyes wide with a sudden alertness. "Fury?" There was a grunt of confirmation and Tony cast the room an annoyed look.

"No warning, Jarvis?"

Sorry sir. Director Fury's call came straight through without alerting me.

"Stark," Fury said before Tony could say anything in reply, "do me a favor and focus for one second. There's something going on downtown."

"That's pretty vague, Fury."

There was a scoff, and angry grumble, and then, "On account of we don't know what it is, you should be lucky I can even call it 'something.' Cap and Hawkeye are on their way and I need you there yesterday."

Tony sighed and sat back in his chair. Lazily, he spun around in it, casually waving for Jarvis to prepare his suit. "As amazing as I am, I haven't figured out time travel yet." Jarvis gave a polite, sir, and Tony made his way towards the metal armor. "But that doesn't mean I won't give it my best shot."

He hung up the call then, already up to his waist in the Iron Man suit. Once the face plate of the helmet covered his face, he took one steadying step and burst through the ceiling.

"Jarvis, remind me to make a window or something later."

Noted, sir.

.

.

.

.

From his spot in the sky, Tony had a blatant view of what was happening below. There were panicked citizens running—nothing new—and a few police cars directing them to safety—big whoop—and a duo of brightly-clad heroes….

…standing there, looking hopelessly lost.

Tony quirked an eyebrow as he touched ground. "What'd I miss?"

Cap, face drawn in a tight frown, gave a hapless shrug. He looked a few seconds away from actually scratching his head. "Nothing," he answered finally. "It's sort of…"

"…weird," Clint finished for him. He looked bored—idly stringing his bow and glowering at everything in sight. "There's this….cloud thing drifting everywhere. It doesn't do much but anything it touches kinda melts."

Tony stared at him. "Melts?"

"And steams," Clint added. "Sometimes the cloud laughs."

"…laughs?"

Clint held up his hands. "Man, I don't know! I just want to shoot something!"

Tony glanced at Cap and could tell the patriotic hero shared Hawkeye's views on the matter.

"Cackles, more like," Cap clarified, still squinting at nothing. "And then it disappears and shows up somewhere else to strike again."

"So… there's a deranged cloud melting things at will?"

"…Yeah."

"And there's no obvious way to stop it?"

"Pretty much."

Tony scoffed. "Well that's a great bedtime story. But seriously, what's going on?"

Cap's confused expression became an irritated one. "We just told you."

"Yeah but everything you said sums up to utter bullshit," Tony said lightly. "And Jarvis isn't picking up any readings of a strange cloud. So, yeah, I'm calling the bullshit car—"

He didn't get the chance to finish; something was resting on the toe of his right foot. Tony looked and blinked.

A little girl was sitting on his foot, waving around a stick and mumbling to thin air. Upon closer inspection, Tony realized she was actually a full grown woman…only miniature. Her hair was done up in elaborate braids and her eyes were an unnerving shade of yellow- and she was still sitting on Tony's foot and didn't seem like getting up any time soon.

Tony looked up at Steve, pointing at the girl. "Are you seeing this?"

"Um. Yeah. I think."

Clint, however, looked elated. His bow was loaded and aimed at the girl's head before Tony could blink. "I think I found something to shoot at."

He released the arrow, and the strangest thing happened.

Tony saw her hand move and in the same instant, the arrow hovered in the air. A little cloud of gray consumed the weapon until it was reduced to a puddle on the ground and the woman looked up with a very exaggerated pout.

"That wasn't very nice," she chided, waving her stick at Clint. Tony had seen the Harry Potter movies enough times to know that she was treating the thing like a wand. "Not nice at all."

Clint didn't give her the grace of a verbal answer. Instead he shot another arrow, though this time it was consumed within an inch of her nose.

"You'd better stop," she said. "It's really rude to shoot arrows at peoples' faces."

"It's also rude to melt half a city," Steve said, looking weirded out by the whole situation.

"That was an accident." The woman stood, finally freeing Tony's foot. And stared them all down. "I was practicing my magic but I got carried away. I can fix it, if you want."

"Could you?" Steve asked hopefully while Tony deadpanned, "Practicing what."

"I could," she smiled. "And magic, dear Man of Iron. Ever heard of it?"

"Yes," Tony said. "In fairytales."

"Then that makes you the ugly witch at the end of the story."

Tony blinked again.

Sir?

"Ready the repulsors," Tony replied. He flicked his wrist and a blue stream of energy shot at the woman's face.

She aimed her stick- wand- whatever at him, and then Tony was inhaling a black fog, only it was inside the suit, and he was spluttering and coughing and cursing and the little woman gave him a sly smile and whispered, "You're going to regret that."

If she was referring to blasting her, Tony wanted to tell her that he already did, but the black fog was making it hard to breathe. He could only convulse as Steve and Clint charged the woman, only to run head-on into thin air. The destruction that had been around them moments ago was gone, and so was their supposed enemy.

"Well," Clint said, dropping his arms by his sides. "That was anticlimactic."

All Tony could see was the ground rushing up at him. He heard Cap laugh, then a worried "Stark?" and then nothing.

.

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When he woke up, he was staring at Natasha.

Really, Natasha was staring at him. She blinked in surprise and immediately began to ask how he was feeling, if he hurt, and questions of that nature.

Tony sat up, pressing one hand to his forehead and the other outwards to steady his balance. "I'm fine," he said dismissively. "Where am I? What happened?"

"SHEILD headquarters. Clint and Cap were pretty panicked when they brought you here. They were going off about a little girl and a cloud and it wasn't making much sense."

"I don't remember any of that." Tony blinked hard and swung his legs off the cot he'd been laying on. "Where are they now?"

"Getting chewed out by the Director, probably. Do you need any help?"

"No, I've got it," Tony said, managing to rise to his feet without her assistance. He felt a little dizzy still, and his memory was oddly fuzzy. "Um."

Natasha gave him a worried look. "What?"

"I think," Tony said slowly, "I'm going to throw up."

Thankfully, Natasha had the good sense to step out of the way.

.

.

.

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After a considerable amount of time bent over a toilet, Tony wiped his mouth and made his way to the meeting room, with only minor help from Natasha. He felt less queasy now, but his head still throbbed.

Cap stood when he saw Tony, crossing the room in two huge strides. "Are you okay?"

Tony was prepared to tell the man he was peachy, but the words coming out of his mouth were, "Not really. I threw up for like ten minutes and my legs are kinda shaky and my head hurts and I can't remember much."

Then he gave his mouth a look of surprise.

The others were too preoccupied in helping him sit to notice. Clint gave a small snort as he resettled in his seat. "Tell me you at least remember getting owned by the little girl."

Tony didn't know what he was talking about. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Y'know, the little girl that waved a stick at you and made you choke—come on, it was gold!"

"I don't remember a little girl, but I remember choking." His throat still felt sore. "Not much else."

"Do you remember your name? Place of birth?"

Tony didn't miss a beat; "Anthony Edward Stark, Long Island, New York."

There was silence. And of course Clint was the one to break it.

"Your middle name is Edward?"

Tony attempted to say no. "Yes, of course." And then he attempted to vanish into his seat when Clint gave him a look of pure amusement.

Hesitatingly, he spoke again. "Ask me a question."

"What?"

"Just do it, Cap. I think something's wrong."

"Alright…" Steve shrugged. He gave a wary glance at Natasha, then at Clint, and they shrugged right back. "What's your favorite sports team?"

"Boston Red Sox," said Tony, followed by a cringe and an outraged 'traitor!' from Clint. His eyes grew wide and he waved his hand somewhat frantically. "Ask me something else."

"Why did you make the Iron Man suit?" Fury asked, giving Tony a somewhat dark look.

Tony was mortified as he found himself relaying ever detail of being held hostage in Afghanistan, including the means of torture and desperate thoughts until Fury told him to shut up.

Poor, poor Steve was staring at him like he wanted to hug him; Clint was a little wide-eyed and even Natasha seemed put off. Tony never brought up Afghanistan. Ever. After one awful occasion where Clint mentioned the file, Tony had given him a look so cold that Bruce eventually had to bring the topic of conversation elsewhere. And even then, Tony made a point of not talking to Clint for nearly a week after.

He felt his stomach sink. This could be potentially worse than he thought.

"Crap," he said eloquently. "Do me a favor and call Bruce. Tell him to meet me at the Mansion. I'm going to need you two," he gesture at Cap and Clint, "to come with me. I think I know what's going on here."

He was already standing –and regretting it—when Cap asked, "Want to fill us in?"

Rather than snap 'no' like he wanted to, Tony bit down on his lip. "I think I've been put under a truth serum."