Hey there! Welcome to Wally West's "So You're Being Pursued by Batman" survival Guide. I'm Wally West. I see that you've opened this book. There are two possible reasons for this. 1) You are being pursued by Batman, and are looking for tips on how to survive. 2) You're a nerd. Just to get this show moving along, can you tell me which it is?

I'm being pursued by Batman. I am definitely being pursued by Batman.

Are you sure? Because you sound a bit nerdy.

I'm quite certain, yes.

Good. Because this is a serious matter. This isn't some Lord of the Rings nerd porn.

Um… can we please focus on the subject at hand right now?

Nerds? Porn? Be more specific please.

Batman pursuing me!

Ah, yes. That. In what manner exactly are you being pursued?

I'm in my car, and he's chasing me in the Batmobile. He's gaining fast!

You're reading while driving? That is highly irresponsible. Maybe that's the reason you're being pursued by Batman in the first place.

Just help me, please!

Alright, calm down. Turn to the Vehicular Survival section of this guide.

Where is that?

That's what the Index is for, dumbass.

There doesn't appear to be an Index.

What? Seriously?

No. Just a bunch of ads for the Flash Museum.

You ever been there?

No, the prices are ridiculous.

There'll be a coupon in the back of this guide. 25% off for admission to the Flash Museum.

Oh, you mean this coupon? You know, the one where the Index should be?

Don't get lippy with me; I could always leave you to face Batman all by yourself you know!

Well, you haven't been very much help so far…

Ok damn it, what kind of car are you driving?

A Prius.

You… you're driving a Prius?

Yes, it's friendlier to the environment.

Are you sure you aren't a nerd?

I am absolutely certain I am not a nerd.

Good. Well, how close is the Batmobile to your shitty nerd car?

Dangerously close! What do I do?

Ditch your car. That nerdy little thing will offer you no protection anyway.

Where will I go?

Run into that alley to the left of you.

Ok, I'm on my way. Wait, how did you know there was an alley to my left?

Dude, you're in Gotham. There are always alleys, and they are always filled with rapists.

So you just sent me into the claws of a rapist?

Who would you rather face? A rapist or Batman?

Well at least Batman won't rape me…

Hey, how about you quit bitching and let me do my job?

Ok. I'm in the alley. Now what?

It'll take Batman a couple seconds to get out of his car. And then he has to get onto the rooftops, because he loves his dramatic entrances. That'll buy you some time.

Time for what?

Remove your pants.

Why?

Because Batman is going to be more hesitate to touch a guy with no pants on.

Ok, they're off.

Wait, are you serious? Dude I was joking! Put your pants back on, that's disgusting.

Oh shit, Batman's descending towards me right now!

What are you wearing?

I hardly see how that's relevant.

Just answer the question so we can move this along, please.

I'm wearing checkered shirt, some jean-shorts, a pair of man-sandals…

Well no wonder Batman wants to punch you! I want to punch you now after hearing that!

What's so bad about my wardrobe?

Mandals and jean-shorts are bad enough, but since them you're wearing them in combination with a checkered shirt, I'm just going to guess that shirt is exceptionally tacky, probably a bright red color with green stripes and a high collar.

Yes, that's exactly right.

Just tell me you aren't wearing sunglasses at night?

I am… why?

Take those off immediately. Batman hates douchebags.

Oh God, he's just touched down in front of me! Now he's approaching in an ominous manner, with his cape folded around him, his face veiled in shadow…

Damn, what a drama queen.

What do I do? Batman is closing in on me!

Why is he chasing you in the first place?

I littered in the park!

You drive a Prius, and yet you litter in the park? Hypocrite.

Just tell me how to get away!

Insult his dead parents.

How could that possibly help?

It will stun him, and then he'll stand there grunting and scowling for a few minutes and you'll be able to get away.

Ok, I just told him that my dog humps his mother's corpse. Now what?

You seriously said that? Dude, what the hell!

You told me to insult his parents!

I was joking! Just trying to lighten the mood for crying out loud. Plus, you really couldn't think of an insult that didn't combine bestiality and necrophilia? Maybe you deserve to get beaten up by Batman, deviant.

He looks really mad…

Oh, what a surprise (sarcasm implied).

He just said that he's going to pummel me with his "Hammer of Justice." Is that like… some sort of sex thing?

No, sometimes he calls his fists Hammers of Justice. It just means that he's going to punch you repeatedly. If it were a sex thing, he would have said referred to his "Sword of Punishment."

Oh…

That's his penis, by the way.

Yeah. I got that. Speaking of which, how do you know what he calls it…?

….Uh…. I've heard stories and stuff….

Are you sure? Because I've read a lot of fanfiction where you and Batman were-

Don't you dare mention that!

Sorry.

What is Batman doing right now?

He's still walking toward me slowly, giving some speech. He's saying, "I am vengeance… I am the night…. I am Batman…"

Yeah, he says that a lot. Especially while he sleeps.

You seem to know a lot about Batman in bed…

Shut up!

Oh God… he's raising his fist, what do I do?

Are there people on the street?

Yes, there are.

Take a hostage.

Are you serious?

Dude, you told him that your dog screwed his mom's corpse. There's no way you're getting out of this with diplomacy.

Ok, I took a hostage? Now what?

Pretend you have a gun.

I actually do have a gun.

What? Why the hell do you have a gun?

I drive a Prius in Gotham City. That's just asking to get mugged… so I carry a gun.

Well, that helps. You're now a full-fledged criminal, but you have a gun and a hostage. Is the hostage female?

Yes. Why?

Are your pants still down?

Yes they are.

Dude, you better hope you don't get captured tonight because at this rate, you'd never get out of prison.

I know! So… I've just threatened to shoot her, and he's drawing a baterang. What should I do?

Shoot him. It's your only hope.

Hey, aren't you supposed to be a hero too? Why are you helping me with this?

I get paid good money to write these survival guides, man. And they sell better if they work.

Well so far you've only made my situation worse…

I know, it's kind of ironic right?

Ok, I'm getting ready to shoot him…

Have you ever fired that gun before?

No.

Have you fired any gun before?

No. But I'm sure I can- OH SHIT!

What?

I accidentally shot the hostage!

How in God's name did you manage that?

I don't know! Guns are heavy!

What is Batman doing?

He's charging at me! He looks so pissed!

I guess you could say you drove him Batshit crazy, huh?

….

That was a joke, dude. Get it? Because he's Batman? Batshit? It's funny.

Fuuuuucccckkkkkkkk yooouuuuuuuu!

Have you been lobotomized by him yet?

No, it's taking Batman a long time to get over here because he's sleeping in my urine.

You're urine…?

I have a weak bladder.

Are… are you peeing on Batman…?

Yes. And the dead hostage. It's all over the place.

I am trying to hard not to laugh at your misfortune right now.

I hate you.

I'm just trying to help…

You have done nothing but make this worse!

Yeah. That's the funny part. Look… since you're obviously in quite a pickle, I'd like to end this on a high note.

What could possibly be considered a 'high note' in this situation?

At least he probably won't kill you. He has some strict moral codes against that.

Seriously?

Yeah. I mean… he'll brutally beat and maim you, but he won't outright kill you.

That sucks.

I know right? I mean, he beats these criminals within an inch of their life, and then what…? They go back home and take out their aggression on their family? I bet Batman has caused more spousal abuse than whiskey.

Oh God! He's breaking my arms!

Congratulations, you've reached the end of this guide. For continued reading, please view: "So You've Had Every Bone in Your Body Broken by Batman: A Wally West Survival Guide."

Hang on! Did you plan this?

What?

Why would you write a guide for people who have been beaten senseless by Batman unless… unless you knew that this guide would get me beaten senseless by Batman! This was just a scam to sell more books, asshole!

I have no idea what you're talking about. However, if you look on the back page, you'll find a 25% off coupon for the guide mentioned above. I suggest you check it out.

These coupons are expired!

Goodbye. It has been a pleasure assisting you.