summary: He does love her, he really does, but sometimes he just forgets the words he has to say. / ChadSonny non-linear.

discalimer: I don't own SWAC. Or the song when you were young by the killers.

a/n: I didn't know I wanted to write and angst really, but I guess I was feeling sad. Writing out of my comfort zone, I like this though.

warnings: T for themes. Only a light mention, let's say bulimia and self harm.

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he doesn't look a thing like jesus, but he talks like a gentleman, like you imagined, when you were young.

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"Fine."

"Fine."

"Good."

"Good."

"Give up, Sonny."

"Never. You know me better than that."

He laughs. "C'mon, Sonny, please."

"Nuh-uh." She retorts childishly as she intertwines her fingers with his. She ignores the feeling of her heart aching, her toes curling, everything that he makes her feel.

He looks at her and she really sees him.

The shine of his eyes; the way the corners of his mouth are always turned down slightly, even when he's smiling; the way she feels his one ring on the left hand, second finger, always digging into her palm.

She thinks he is so beautiful and he knows it.

In his head, he thinks up a slightly egotistic retort, a little on the sarcastic side, but swallows it along with his pride.

It's a neat little trick Sonny taught him a long time ago.

"C'mon beautiful." He whispers against her lips and then pulls her down the corridor, and Sonny doesn't even know where they're going.

She just lulls herself in that security and forgets to think, she just feels.

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"Why do you never listen to me?" She screams and throws a hairdryer at him because that's the first thing she can get her hands on.

He ducks swiftly and Sonny really hates herself for wishing he hadn't.

"I can't be that guy that you want me to be." He says hopelessly and tries to grab her hand.

"I never asked you to, I just asked you to be faithful!" Her screams echo in his ears and he hates her and himself and everything that he's ever done.

"I'm sorry okay, I'm sorry." He nearly pulls his hair out because it doesn't even matter anymore. The moon shines against her eyes and he wishes it hasn't because he can see the glassy tears in her eyes even more clearly.

"We're not sixteen anymore, Chad!" She puts her head in her hands. "Don't do this to me anymore." She falls and collapses, but Chad doesn't have time to catch her. She just lies and cries until her heart stops aching.

Chad never has time to catch her anymore.

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"Promise me you'll still love me in the morning." Sonny says and he turns to look at her, dragging his eyes away from the bleached sunset, stained red. He can feel the blood throbbing in his veins and nothing makes him feel more alive than this moment.

He stares into her eyes, noticing her pupils are dilated and takes her hand, rubbing his thumb slowly over her knuckles.

When he answers he doesn't look at her, only at the sunset.

Of course I will. He says to her. What more would you expect from Chad Dylan Cooper.

His voice is monotone but Sonny's glad she can see the sparkle in his eye.

Chad never takes his eyes off of the sunset.

It reminds him of Sonny.

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"Where are you Sonny?" He says to her and she closes her eyes, head spinning.

It was always because of Chad.

When they were young, it was his touch, the feel of skin on skin.

Now, well.

Sonny thinks she's just lost in a place that she can never find a way out of.

Her mind.

"I don't know." She says honestly, "I just know that it's better than here."

She hears him sigh, from a distance. "Who's there with you?" He asks.

"A boy. The most beautiful boy. He's waiting for me somewhere, that perfect boy."

Chad doesn't need to feel jealous, because he knows it's him.

Himself in a different time.

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She throws up in the toilet and wonders whether eating is even worth it anymore.

Plus, the amount of blood she spills probably means she'll be dead soon anyway.

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"Where are you going?" He asks desperately as she stands by the train station entrance, crying, makeup staining her cheeks.

"Anywhere, anywhere but here." Her voice is hoarse, but she doesn't know why, she thought all the screaming was just inside her head. "Anywhere away from you, away from you and your stale, used body."

She looks at him in disgust and he almost cries.

"You're not the boy you used to be, Cooper. I wish you were, but you don't love me, and I don't think you ever did."

She turns on her heel and he feels his heart being dragged along, like strings attaching her to him. He feels his heart in her hands, she mutilates it, punctures it.

It doesn't matter; he did the same to hers.

"No, you can't leave me." He states as he spins her round by the shoulders. Her eyes are hollow and he can see scabs where she's scratched her face too many times. Cut your nails, Sonny, he told her, but never did she listen.

"Let me go before it's too late." Sonny wishes she could show him what goes on in her mind, what he makes go on in her mind.

"I did love you." He says instead and her eyes seem to soften, but Chad's not sure if it's just the light, because he's pretty sure he killed the Sonny with the soft eyes and playful smiles.

It the biggest regret he'll ever have.

"Find the operative word in that sentence Chad." Sonny's smile is bitter and twisted and cold and Chad wonders how he could've felt with the others, because Sonny is the only one who makes him truly feel.

Did. Did. Did. Did. Did. Echoes in his mind as he watches her walk away, her black hair swishing behind her, the click of her heels like the sound of gunfire.

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He proposes and she feels like the princess he tells her she is.

She's never been more happy in her entire life and she lays in his arms, counting his steady heartbeat and thinking about the future.

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"What do you want Sonny?" The desperation ringing in his voice is such a common thing now, neither of them notice. It's one her better days, where she's more here than she is there and Chad prays for theses day, because he gets to talk to her again.

"I want what we had when we were sixteen." Her shrug is noncommittal, because they're not married anymore. Well they are, but in Sonny's mind he's just a ghost, someone from the past.

"I'm sorry." Chad says instead. He always avoids her statements.

"You could never live up to it. I should've known." Her voice is dejected. Her voice is fading slightly and he can feel her leaving. He grabs onto her hand, firmly.

He squeezes once. Goodbye.

Her eyes are distant. I will return no more, they say. She squeezes back, once. Goodbye.

"You broke your promise," She says as her voice grows quiet. "You said you'd still love me in the morning and you never did."

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"Hey Chad?" She looks up at him with her doe eyes, the same colour as her hair and her smile makes him want to smile.

"Hey Sonny?" he says back in the same tone and she sticks her tongue out.

They're in his dressing room, him sitting on the sofa and her draped across it, head in his lap. He brushes her fringe away from the face and wonders did anyone ever look more beautiful.

"Where's your happy place?" She asks. He knows exactly what she means.

"Someone in a field, green, with climbable trees." A smile creeps across his face. "With the girl I love and me, doing whatever we want."

She notices he doesn't say her specifically and she feels a feeling of dread but pushes it away before she ruins the moment. "Where's yours?"

"Somewhere far away." She says looking off into the distance. "With a boy; the most perfect, beautiful boy and me, where we are safe an non one can take us away from each other." He nods and smiles crookedly.

"Who's the boy?"

"You."

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sometimes you close your eyes, and see the place where you used to live, when you were young.

a/n: If you weren't getting that, the basic story plot is:

Sonny and Chad become a young coupld and eventually get married. She thinks he's the perfect guy but he's not. He says he'll stay faithful but he never does and cheats on her a billion times. This leads to her thrwoing up and cutting because yeah, she's in a relationship she can never get out of, a viscious circle, and in the end she kind of goes crazy, and lives in a place in her head. The place she lives is the place (she used to live) she tells Chad is her happy place is; them when they're young and happy.

please review with more than, "cute" or "nice", please.