The Completely True Report Cards for the boys of Gryffindor House as told by Professor M. McGonagall (1976 edition)

A/N: Written for the lovely kelleypen at the LJ exchange springtime_gen. Original strikethroughs have been replaced with brackets.

BLACK, Sirius

(To the Most Idiotic, Pretentious and Bigoted House of Black)

Mr and Mrs Black,

This semester, your son Sirius has shown himself to be (barely) competent in the following subjects. If he continues to display such keen disregard to his subjects, he can look forward to achieving few OWLs and enjoying a life spent scrubbing the stairs along with our caretaker, Mr Filch.

CARE OF MAGICAL CREATURES

DIVINATION

HISTORY OF MAGIC

CHARMS

HERBOLOGY

ASTRONOMY

Sirius has also displayed (typical) alarming negative behaviour in these subjects, often teasing and taunting other students, particularly of Slytherin House. An incident occurred last week where Sirius hexed another student's trousers, stole his copy of Playwitch and planted it in the bag of another student. He claimed he was innocent and pointed out that he was surprised Mr Snape had the copy of the banned magazine in the first place, considering the general student population maintained that Mr Snape was a practising homosexual.

Sirius has also been caught and subsequently received beatings detention after convincing first year students to collect unicorn excrement from the Forbidden Forrest as it made an excellent moisturiser and was good for repelling trolls.

He has surprisingly however, achieved excellent results in the following subjects.

TRANSFIGURATION

POTIONS

DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS

Sirius maintains that years spent hexing his brother and (completely insane) cousin Bellatrix has equipped him with the skills necessary to defeat trolls, giants, vampires, centaurs and possibly Death Eaters; convicted or otherwise. Fortunately, his skills support his (narcissistic) optimistic attitude. His behaviour in Transfiguration is unpredictable; however the standard of his work is commendable, apart from the time he turned Mr Snape's quill into a copy of Playwizard. Professor Slughorn assures me that this behaviour is similar in Potions—although it has been noted that his potions often explode inexplicably when in the company of his friends Potter, Lupin and Pettigrew.

The number of detentions delivered to Sirius by both staff and prefects is the most delivered to any student since I have been teaching. Despite this, he is a personable young man whose energy is to be (feared) admired.

DETENTIONS RECEIVED: 125

DETENTIONS COMPLETED: 55

POINTS EARNED: 10

POINTS DEDUCTED: 50

I wish I could say that it has been a pleasure teaching Sirius, but that would be a lie. I wish you the best of luck over the holiday season (I hope you all get struck by lightning.)

Yours faithfully,

Professor M. McGonagall

LUPIN, Remus John

Dear Mr Lupin and Mrs Lupin,

This semester, as always, Remus has consistently ignored my suggestions to find new friends. Remus is a courageous and determined young man although it completely escapes me as to why he associates himself with Potter, Pettigrew and Black. For instance, last week in Potions, he and his idiot friends told Professor Slughorn that Remus had left Hogwarts and he was in fact, his identical and much less intelligent twin brother, Romulus. Unfortunately Professor Slughorn believed the lie and put out a rather interesting memo to the rest of our staff.

Despite his unsavoury friendships, Remus has been performing adequately in the following subjects:

DIVINATION

HISTORY OF MAGIC

HERBOLOGY

ASTRONOMY

POTIONS

Remus is a very bright student, who despite his unfortunate condition, strives to be a first rate wizard. This is reflected in the following subjects:

TRANSFIGURATION

CHARMS

CARE OF MAGICAL CREATURES

Remus is also rather gifted in Defence Against the Dark Arts, having successfully disarmed the Professor and defeating the training Boggart when the Professor accidentally set fire to his cloak and had to leave the classroom.

Remus should consider adopting a less obvious nickname than Moony and try to avoid enlisting the help of his (ridiculous) friends in keeping his secret from the general school populous, as (the three of them are probably trustworthy but really, who would want their deepest secrets held in Potter and Black's confidence?) they are still children after all.

Once again, please convince Remus to seek less boisterous company. They are not bad children, of course, but seriously irritating, especially when they all get together to terrorize Professor Trelawny and her (stupid) glasses.

DETENTIONS RECEIVED: 6

DETENTIONS COMPLETED: 5 (with good reason)

POINTS EARNED: 30

POINTS DEDUCTED: 15

Have splendid holiday season and I sincerely hope the full moon doesn't fall on Christmas Day.

Yours faithfully,

Professor M. McGonagall

PETTIGREW, Peter

Dear Mr and Mrs Pettigrew,

This semester, Peter has proved himself to be an (incapable, illiterate and easily distracted) interesting addition to Gryffindor House. I have written to you earlier in regards to Peter's obvious learning difficulties and there has been some progress. Professor Flitwick and Professor Dumbledore have been working with Peter. It is my recommendation that Peter re-assesses his subject choices and not attempt any difficult subjects after his OWLs .

Peter's friends are a terrible influence on him. They often convince him to engage in dangerous and idiotic pranks and he is the one left in trouble. For instance, just last week he was left holding the wand when the Ravenclaw fifth years complained that someone was lifting their skirts and charming a camera to take photographs. He also was caught in the Prefects bathroom stealing the Head Girl's knickers, although I'm positive he was put up to this by Sirius Black.

With assistance and tutoring, thanks to Miss Lily Evans, Peter has (barely) passed all of his subjects, including:

DIVINATION

HISTORY OF MAGIC

HERBOLOGY

ASTRONOMY

POTIONS

TRANSFIGURATION

CHARMS

CARE OF MAGICAL CREATURES

DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS

I'm sure I will regret saying this, but it is actually a good idea for Peter to take classes with his friends to assist him to build his resilience and social skills. During his break, could you please speak to Peter about the facts of life, as he is still confused and his friends keep confusing him with stories about talking female reproductive organs.

DETENTIONS RECEIVED: 15

DETENTIONS COMPLETED: 15

POINTS EARNED: 5

POINTS DEDUCTED: 50

If you could remind Peter that he has a two feet parchment on the ethics of animal transfiguration due at the return of school. (Do this for him if you have to.)

Yours faithfully,

Professor M. McGonagall

POTTER, James

Dear Mr and Mrs Potter,

Your son, James, is both the reason I enjoy and completely detest the teaching profession. James is a bold, intelligent, arrogant and personable student who is a perfect example of an only child. He demands and receives attention everywhere he goes and is probably worse than his counterpart, Mr Black.

James does lack vision when it comes to separating himself from his friends. He is often the ringleader of the group and I have scolded him on several occasions for convincing his friends and other students to do his bidding.

He has taken a fascination to quoting Muggle literature, particularly Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet at inappropriate times and in inappropriate places, directing his unwelcome attention to Miss Evans. Two weeks ago he received detention with Professor Dumbledore for calling Mr Snape 'a dirty Capulet' and wrestling him to the ground, screaming 'Die Tybalt, Die!'. While I was impressed with James' unexpected knowledge of the works of Shakespeare, I did not appreciate his candour.

James has also won several games as Seeker on the Gryffindor Quidditch Team but can sometimes be known to be a sore loser, wrestling the snitch from the opposing Seeker's hands and sending in Mr Pettigrew and Mr Black to let off crackers in the change rooms.

James has performed adequately in the following subjects:

DIVINATION

HISTORY OF MAGIC (despite engaging in debates about ghosts and their sex drives with Professor Binns)

HERBOLOGY

ASTRONOMY

POTIONS

CHARMS

CARE OF MAGICAL CREATURES

James has also performed surprisingly well in the following subjects, although I suspect it has something to do with the fact that he is unwilling to be beaten by either Mr Snape or Miss Evans:

DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS

TRANSFIGURATION

If James would stop tormenting his friends, the first years, the Slytherins, the Slytherin House Captain, the Head Boy, the Seventh Year Ravenclaws, Lily Evans, Severus Snape, Mr Filch, Mrs Norris, Regulus Black, Professor Slughorn, Professor Binns and the Hufflepuff Quidditch Team, he is sure to succeed next semester.

DETENTIONS RECEIVED: 48

DETENTIONS COMPLETED: 17

POINTS EARNED: 50

POINTS DEDUCTED: 40

If you possibly could, please remind James that Miss Evans would probably not appreciate a barrage of Romeo and Juliet style love letters sent via owl to her over the Christmas break. (He doesn't stand a chance.)

Yours faithfully,

Professor M. McGonagall

Minerva,

I admire your restraint.

Albus Dumbledore