Chapter 1

Light came seeping back into me as I felt someone nudging me against the elbow. It felt dastardly annoying, so for the instantaneous three seconds there I was determined tear the flesh out of the idiot who was disturbing me from my somewhat comfortable coma. I tried to flail my hands about at the annoyer, only to find that they were restrained to my back.

"Damn it!" I cried, struggling. "Who elbowed me?"

"Easy, friend," said a blonde-haired man who was sitting opposite me. "The soldiers will get pissed off if you yell like that."

"Soldiers?" I exclaimed, glancing about me. It was then I realised I was on a carriage with soldiers guiding it at the front. The world about was permeated with white-capped mountains and tall darkwood coniferous trees. The carriage passengers looked absolutely sick and tired of the position they were in. The blonde-haired guy opposite me was obviously a Nord. I could tell easily from the excessive amount of chest hair that was rising from his awfully low-cut tunic. Muscles dominated the entire length of his four limbs too. The two other passengers were elves, probably dark elves as they were, well, dark. The two of them were awfully tall as well, the only difference between them being one was bald and clean-shaven while the other had long frizzy hair that was painted red. The bald elf was probably the guy who was nudging me, since he was sitting directly beside.

"Sorry, dude," the bald elf said in a strangely calm voice. "I was just feeling a tad too uncomfortable with these damn restraints. Hope you don't take it to heart, dude."

"I was about to tear you limb from limb a second ago," I explained, "but nevermind. I'm horribly capricious."

"Oh, we got an English man here!" said the hairy elf. "Come on, spray us with your mountain of vocabulary!"

"I'm not English, okay?" I said defensively. "I'm of French blood. Well, mostly."

"And I'm a Nord," the man opposite me said proudly. "And I love it."

"Yeah, cool story dude," the bald elf scoffed. "What's French by the way?"

"Oh, it's not in Tamriel. It's somewhere at that other continent called Europe," I replied.

"Europe?" the hairy elf exclaimed in surprise. "Cool, dude! I love Europe! That place is beautiful, man. It's not like Tamriel at all, with all this barren wasteland."

"Where on Tamriel are we anyway?" I asked.

"Skyrim," the Nord said in his most arrogant voice. "The great land."

"Yeah, and the people here had to catch us on sight," the hairy elf said, rolling his eyes. "I don't know what's wrong with you bloody people. Do you all have some obsession with capturing people or something?"

"Come on, we stole a cheese wheel, Barker," the bald elf lamented. "Of course those damn soldiers would catch us!"

"It's just a cheese wheel, Ged!" Barker shouted. "And it's gouda! Freaking gouda!"

"Gouda is worth alot in this country," Ged explained. "It's actually a very valuable resource. I mean, back in Morrowind it's considered a commodity too!"

"Bah, how can that be possible?" Barker snorted. "Gouda tastes like nirnroot!"

"Oi, nirnroot is very nice!" the Nord spat. "I eat it in my hometown everyday, and enjoy it!"

"And where do you hail from, Nord?" Barker asked with mock respect.

"Riverwood," he said promptly. "I am Fewder Hickenswatch from Riverwood."

"Interesting name there," Barker guffawed. "Oh, and what's your name, guy who's mostly of French blood?"

"Axel," I replied. "Axel Dufour."

"Of the oven?" Ged said, raising an inquisitive eyebrow. "Are you a baker or something?"

"If so, I could use a bread now," Fewder commented.

"Nah, I'm a blacksmith," I said. "Came here in search for the skyforge. Unfortunately, the soldiers arrested me because they saw me standing next to a dead bear."

"Wow!" Barker laughed. "The animal conservation policy is sure getting reinforced now! Anyways, Ged and I are from Morrowind."

"We can see that," Fewder spat.

"Shut up, Nord," Barker scoffed. "Anyway, we're musicians."

"Yeah, you know, bards," Ged added.

"Bards?" I repeated after them. "But what were the both of you doing stealing a cheese wheel?"

"We were hungry!" Barker exclaimed in defense. "Our previous gig didn't earn us much money."

"Yeah, them Imperials," Ged spat. "Can't appreciate our techinical lute shredding."

"Shredding?" I said in disbelief.

"Haha, all of you have such simple stories to tell," Fewder suddenly said. "Mine was one of imminent tragedy."

The two dark elves rolled their eyes and moaned, "Seriously, dude!"

"Come on, let's just hear it," I suggested, but Barker and Ged just feigned sleep from excessive boredom.

"I shall recount the story to you, French man," Fewder spoke in a low tone of voice. "It was a day like any other day. Everyone was happy in Riverwood. The women were singing and the children were dancing. But it all changed when the sun hit the highest point of the sky."

"You mean noon," Barker coughed.

"The dragon came when we least expected it," Fewder carried on, ignoring Barker's attempts to mock his limited vocabulary. "It swooped across the wide cloudless sky and perched itself on the Sleeping Giant Inn. No one made a move as we were all stunned with fear. I wanted to throw my axe at the beast, but I feared it would set our wooden houses on fire. That would mean the end of Riverwood. So, instead of doing that, I sneaked up behind the dragon by taking the inn's back stairs and chopped off its nuts."

The dark elves expressed their disgust by cringing. I tried not to be fazed by Fewder's brutal actions and nodded slowly, signalling to him that what he said was perfectly fine with me.

"The dragon groaned and moaned and cried and screamed!" Fewder growled, his eyes widening with intensity. "And then, it flew off, leaving its balls behind on the roof of the Sleeping Giant Inn."

"Then how the hell did you get caught by the soldiers?" Ged asked, realising the story was not making much sense.

"That's a different story altogether," Fewder whispered. "I ventured to Whiterun and tried to sell the dragon's nuts to the Khajit that were camping outside the walls of the city. Unfortunately, the Khajit turned down my offer."

"And you got arrested?" I asked.

"No, it was not that simple," Fewder corrected me. "The rejection the Khajit imposed upon me was so great that it caused me to lose control of myself. Ever since young, I had this disease where if I get too angry I will turn into a giant green beast that will kill anything in its way."

"Shall we try it now?" Barker suggested, laughing.

"Unfortunately, the effect can only happen once every 20 days," Fewder explained. "Anyway, the soldiers threw a net over me while I was attacking the Khajit, smashing their barrels of moon sugar and all the other crap they stored. That's how I got here."

"Cool story dude," Barker yawned. "It sure was a thriller."

"At least we all got to know each other a little better," I said, trying to establish peace between the dark elves and the Nord.

"Yes, that's quite nice, isn't it?" Ged said, chuckling.

"Oi, quiet back there!" a soldier yelled from the front. "You people have a right to remain to silent!"

"Want to hear a song?" Barker suggested.

"In this situation, that would be interesting," Fewder said, squinting and nodding. "What song do you suggest?"

"How about the national anthem of Skyrim?" Barker randomly picked.

"Yeah, that's nice," Ged agreed. "Too bad we don't have our lutes to play the chords."

"Skyrim has a national anthem?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"You don't say, Axel," Fewder said dryly. "We sing it every morning when the sun pokes out from behind the mountains."

"Oi, shut up back there!" the same soldier cried. "Our bosses will cut our pay if they find out we let you guys conspire! We have to make a living too, you know?"

"Yeah," another soldier added. "And we've already arrived at our destination, so try to keep quiet if you value your damn lives."

The two dark elves shrugged while Fewder rolled his eyes. I turned my attention to the village we were entering. It looked like any other village one would find in any place around the world, with the usual wooden front gate and guards patrolling along the cobblestone walls. The gates welcomed us, revealing the village that looked so ordinary apart from the fact that soldiers patrolled practically every nook and cranny of it. I witnessed women taking their children indoors, and that made me gulp. Who knew what was going to happen to us.

We arrived at an open square, where a squadron of soldiers stood with three other distinct figures. Two of them were obviously the captains of the squadron, clad fully in traditional Imperial armour with those ridiculous furry hats that made them look like horses. Both of them were surely Imperials, for a look of arrogance was exhibited on their brown faces. One of them was a stocky woman with eyes that squinted ferociously while the other was a scrawny man with a lower lip that was apparently too large for him to keep within the perimeter of his face. The third figure was excessively burly and had a pointy mask pulled over his head, where his bloodshot eyes peeked out of the tiny eyeholes. The menacing polearm the guy held in his left hand told me instantly he was the executioner, and something in the way he held the oversized weapon gave me the unwanted message that he dearly loved his job.

The carriage halted and the soldiers yelled at the four of us to get off. Ged and Barker leapt off first while Fewder and I followed briskly behind. The two Imperial captains glared at us, as if trying to break us down mentally so that they would not have any trouble executing us. I glanced at Fewder to find him as stiff as a darkwood tree, his chest hair dripping with buckets of sweat. Obviously the poor Nord was trying very hard to conceal his fear, and utterly failing at it.

"You there!" the stout captain shrieked, shoving a finger in my direction. "From where do you hail?"

"France, miss," I said. "France."

"And you, Nord?" she snapped, turning to Fewder.

"Pfft, obviously from Skyrim!" Barker scoffed.

The female captain zipped around and put her face to Barker's. She tried staring the dark elf down, but the elf had something she did not have, and that was hair. The sheer strength of his red tangled locks gave him a sudden rush of testosterone and that heightened his blood pressure so greatly that fresh steaming plasma squirted out of his pupils and seared the unfortunately wide open eyes of the captain. She withdrew screaming, thrashing about at the horrible pain she felt. I cringed in discomfort and wondered how the hell that even happened.

"What was that, Barker?" Ged asked amusedly.

"I dunno," Barker snorted, shrugging. "Man, that staring was intense!"

"Silence, you fools!" the other Imperial captain snarled. "Up to the chopping block, for you will all pay for the crimes you have committed!"

"Step up, Frenchie. You're first," the executioner growled. I did as I was told, laying my head down on the wooden block before me. There did not seem to be another choice, really. I was frightened as hell, but I knew if I did not move the bastards would find a less comfortable way of ending my life.

"Any last words?" the scrawny captain sneered.

"Er... tell my parents I love them?" I suggested, not entirely sure what to say.

"Idiot, say something grand," Fewder begged, but before he could continue a soldier slapped him round the head.

And so there came the last five seconds of my life as I watched the executioner heave his polearm above my head in drastically slow-motion. But then, everything changed. A dark shadow fell upon the village with a loud thud on the central guard tower. I peered upwards to realise that the executioner lost his focus on me and was staring up at the creature who was snarling and snapping.

It was a dragon. A really angry dragon, as a matter of fact. Something in the way it roared and screeched told me that it was particularly pissed off at someone in the vicinity.

"Oh, shit, that's the dragon whose balls I cut off!" Fewder sweared. "It wants its balls back!"

"Give them to it, then!" Barker screamed. "Don't you have it?"

"I lost the damn nutcases when the damn soldiers confiscated all my belongings!"

"You know," Ged said calmly, "while everyone's looking at the dragon, why don't we scoot?"

"Good plan, bud," Barker said. "Let's hit the road, guys!"

"Come with us, Axel!" Fewder cried. "We shall head to Riverwood!"

I briskly scrambled to my feet and glanced about me. The village was in flames and chaos ensued. Soldiers were running about desperately trying to put out fires that seemed to get larger everytime a bucket of water hit them. The two captains and executioner had already fled to their fort, so I simply ran after the escaping Nord and the dark elves.

"Seriously, dude, why Riverwood?" Barker complained.

"Okay, fine, do you know a better place?" Fewder spat.

"Err, give me five minutes and I should be able to come up with something."

"Come on, let's just get our arses over there!" Ged yelled furiously. "It's not like we even know Skyrim that well. We've only been here for twelve hours!"

"So what's the plan, again?" I asked, finally catching up to them.

"I have a house in Riverwood and that's where you all can stay!" Fewder exclaimed. "I know, no need to thank me, we Nords are very hospitable!"

"Just shut up and lead the way, will you sir Nord?" Barker screamed, and so we scurried out the backdoor of the flaming village and escaped down a gravel path into the dark woods beyond.