AN:In order the kisses referenced are from: S05E22 "Vessel," I made it up set in late S08, I made it up set in very early S10, S10E05 "Isis," josephina_x's fic "No Offense, But Why Were We Friends?" (view-able on her LJ), and I made it up S11-ish.

The first time it happened Clark didn't think much anything of it. Or rather, since he did actually think of it a lot, he hadn't been particularly surprised by it. It wasn't like Chloe hadn't kissed him before after all. Plus the world had seemed like it was ending at the time, so kissing someone you had been attracted to since eighth grade really wasn't that strange. Clark should know, he had kissed her back after all.

The second kiss absolutely had not happened. Tess had not cornered him in the storeroom to accuse him of being a savior from outer space again and if she had, she definitely hadn't followed it up by planting one on him. And Clark certainly hadn't sworn her to secrecy by threating her with a sexual assault law suit and Oliver Queen's lawyers. The fact that the security footage of that twenty minutes window had been deleted was just a coincidence. Really.

Clark didn't even notice at first when Cat Grant came in the storeroom behind him. He did notice when he started flirting with him, though he valiantly try to ignore it. But that only made her flirt harder, like she thought he really hadn't noticed and Clark started to wonder if there was a polite way to say "back the hell off." Because even though he wasn't even slightly interested in her, she still seemed like a very nice person. Sweet and very conservative, which was why Clark had not at all been expecting her to yank him down by the shirt collar and kiss him. Immediately afterwards she flushed bright red and scurried out of the room, leading Clark to hope that would be the end of it.

When Clark was kissed in the storeroom for the fourth time his first thought was Finally. Not because Lois had just initiated a very enthusiastic make-out session, though that was nice too, but because it was the first time someone he was actually in a relationship with had jumped him in the storeroom. He could only hope that that spelled the end of his bad luck in this room.

It wasn't until the fifth time that Clark really suspected something was up. Because Chloe, Tess (not that Tess had kissed him), Cat and Lois could all be explained in context, but Clark couldn't even begin to wrap his mind around a context that would explain Lex Luthor kissing him. Granted, this Lex didn't really remember that he and Clark hated each other and apparently thought Clark was an interesting person, but he was still Lex. You know, the man who had married Desiree, Helen, and Lana and had a thing with Victoria and a slew of one-night stands with beautiful women. All of which had one thing in common and Clark was most definitely not a girl. So why was Lex kissing him?

Clearly Clark had to do something because if once was happenstance, twice was coincidence, and three times was enemy action, then five times was a curse. The freaking storeroom was freaking cursed to make people kiss Clark. It was the only logical explanation. So Clark, with some difficulty, managed to hunt Zatanna down and make her check it out. She inspected the room thoroughly before proclaiming it clean and Clark paranoid. Then she went and completely ruined the effect of this declaration by inciting another magically induced make-out session. After which both Lois, and for some reason Lex, were extremely pissed, even though neither Clark nor Zatana had really wanted to kiss each other.

Freaking cursed storeroom.