Merlin curled his legs up in a ball and cuddled himself, the thin blanket not doing much for warmth on this cold night. He was very tempted to use his magic to warm himself up but couldn't risk it, considering Arthur and the knights were surrounding him. Although, they are all sleeping... No, he couldn't.
His shivers began to get worse; his teeth chattering hard. He pulled at his blanket again, making himself as small as possible. The only way Merlin could see himself sleeping was if he passed out from being so cold. He blamed Arthur for dragging him on this quest. Merlin actually enjoyed sleeping under the stars but in winter it was a form of torture.
'Mer-lin,' Arthur hissed, under his breath. Merlin shot up and looked to Arthur who was leaning on his elbow and looking right back at him. 'Do you have to make such a fuss? I'm trying to sleep here?'
'Oh, I'm sorry, sire. I didn't mean for my shivering to death to disturb your beauty sleep,' Merlin moaned, pissed off and cranky due to the cold and lack of sleep.
'Don't get your bloomers in a twist, Merlin.'
'It's cold. I am freezing here. We're not going to make it to this bloody monster at this rate,' Merlin whined.
'Oh, stop crying and get over here already,' Arthur said, nonchalantly. 'It's probably because you're so skinny and scrawny. No wonder you're cold.'
'What?' Merlin said. He was sure he was going delirious now. Had Arthur really just asked what he thought he had?
'I said, get over here. You're cold aren't you?'
Merlin couldn't believe this. He wanted to refuse. He should refuse. He should tell Arthur that he's fine and doesn't need him to warm him up. Oh god. He shouldn't do this but Merlin found himself moving over to Arthur; his body moving of its own accord. It wanted Arthur too badly to listen to his reasoning. Arthur lifted the blanket and Merlin climbed in. Merlin was scared to move and lay there awkwardly. Arthur sighed and threw an arm over Merlin, pulling him in close, causing Merlin's body to tense up but still Arthur held him, running his hands up and down his arms, trying to warm him up. Merlin relaxed, his body resting and falling into Arthur's arms.
'Thank you,' Merlin stammered.
Arthur didn't reply but continued in holding Merlin close to himself. Merlin couldn't help but snuggle into Arthur, his head resting on his chest. He was actually being held by Arthur. He had dreamt and fantasized about this moment numerous times. Of course, it wasn't quite how he had imagined but it was probably all he was ever going to get and he was trying to make the most of it. It felt more amazing than it had in any dream or fantasy but he couldn't help but be a little hurt. This was the only way he could ever be close to Arthur like this and as much as wanted to treasure this moment and the crazy butterflies that he was experiencing right now, his heart felt low.
When Arthur was sure Merlin was asleep, after pretending to be asleep himself, he exhaled. He held Merlin closer to himself, pulling him in, savouring the warm touch of Merlin's body against his own. He nestled his face into the top of Merlin's head, breathing him in. He was cautious of Merlin being so close to him, that his head was resting on his own chest. He tried to steady his breathing as not to disturb Merlin, not wanting to ruin this precious moment. If this was all he would ever have, then he wanted it to last for as long as possible. He wanted it to last forever but well, forever wasn't possible.
He wanted to pull Merlin in, tighter yet but he was afraid that he would break him. Merlin was only tiny and fragile and in all honesty he was more valuable to him than anyone could ever know. He wishes, sometimes, he wishes that Merlin could know. To feel love like this and to have to keep it a secret was one thing. He hid it from himself for so long and that hurt him, but having to hide it from the one he loves hurts. It hurts deeply. It hurts the heart that loves so much. It hurts because of the overwhelming love. He can never know though. No one can. He can't be in love with his servant because he has a duty. His father always taught him that the kingdom came first and that is where his heart shall lie.
Arthur sighed. Squeezing Merlin one last time, he gave in to the heaviness of his eyelids and let the darkness take him. He hoped it would take him to the place where holding Merlin wasn't just a temporary thing. Where holding Merlin wasn't a kind gesture to warm him up but because they were in love and they made love and held each other. He liked that place, even if it did feel a bit blurry around the edges, even if it wasn't real. It was all he had. Although, he had enjoyed holding Merlin. The sharpness of reality that filled up his every sense, but the problem was reality and the fact that it was a place where him and Merlin could never be.
Again the dream faded away and Merlin felt himself being dragged from Arthur's side but when he woke up, there he was. He was in Arthur's arms, and their legs were tangled up together. Merlin looked up, moving himself ever so slightly backwards, so that he could look at Arthur's face. His mouth was hanging open, his lips dry, desperate to be licked. His nose and cheeks were tinged pink because of the cold and his golden eyelashes rested on his cheeks, peaceful in his sleep. He seemed happy and carefree and Merlin felt himself loving Arthur even more. Somehow.
As carefully as he could, Merlin moved out of Arthur's hold and got up. He didn't want to wake Arthur up, especially as his dreams had left him particularly turned on and half hard. He really didn't want Arthur to see or feel that. So, Merlin went behind the bushes to relieve himself. He sighed heavily. This really had to stop but he didn't know how. He had tried to stop before but it wasn't that easy. None of it was easy.
Merlin collected the driest wood he could find, in order to get a fire started for when Arthur and the knights woke up. It was a longer process than usual considering he kept zoning out, thinking of how he spent the night in Arthur's arms. Literally. He almost giggled at the thought and then blushed at acting like a loved up maiden. When zoning back into reality, he would find himself, bent over to pick up a stick, and sometimes drooling. Embarrassed and mad at his ridiculousness, he would passive aggressively begin to grab sticks until he slowed down and zoned out again.
After eventually, collecting enough firewood, Merlin went back to the clearing to find the knights beginning to wake up. Arthur however, was still in a deep sleep. Merlin went to the long burnt out fire and dropped the wood, exhaling heavily, earning him some raised eyebrows and stares. He bent down, sighing, and began to assemble the wood before beginning the fire.
'Hey, Merlin. Aren't you going to wake Arthur up?' Gwaine asked, gleefully and obviously looking forward to the routine. Merlin didn't feel like playing along today.
'It's not in my job description,' Merlin said, not even looking over to Gwaine.
'But providing body heat for cold nights is?' Gwaine smirked. Merlin turned to Gwaine and giving him a foul glare. Gwaine's face broke into a smile, obviously pleased to have got Merlin's attention.
'Shut up or I will burn your socks and spit in your breakfast,' Merlin said, praying that his face didn't give away anything.
'Easy there, Merlin,' Gwaine said, his hands held up defensively. 'I was just messing around with you.'
'Sorry,' Merlin apologised, feeling bad for having snapped.
'Although, if you wanna warm anyone up, I'll be happy for you to sleep under my blanket,' Gwaine laughed. Merlin threw a stick at him, hitting him right on the head. Gwaine rubbed his head like a sad child and everyone laughed, causing the King to groan.
Arthur woke up cold and alone. He was surrounded by the knights and Merlin was crouching down by the fire, his back to Arthur. Everyone was laughing and fooling around, when anyone looked his way, he would feign a smile but his heart ached and the small act of smiling seemed strenuous. Obviously, he knew that he wouldn't be able to wake with Merlin still in his arms. Merlin always woke before him and well, he wasn't going to stay cuddled up to his king.
Sighing, Arthur sat up and excused himself. He could hear the hum of the knights through the trees but he couldn't hear Merlin. He focused on trying to zone them out, trying to think of falling asleep with his true love in his arms for the first and probably last time, but the noise of the knights drowned out any chance of getting lost in the warm memories. Annoyed, Arthur went back into the clearing, his face seeming to portray his mood considering the knights were quick to shut up and turn away from him.
Merlin was still crouched over by the fire and Arthur entertained the idea of going over to him but thought against it. He wouldn't know what to say or do and he would feel like an idiot which Merlin probably already thought he was. Instead, Arthur readied himself for the long day ahead.
Merlin avoided Arthur's eye contact all day and Arthur avoided any contact with Merlin all day. Merlin didn't quite understand why Arthur was mad at him. Did he do something wrong? Probably. Wasn't everything he did wrong? Well, it was according to Arthur anyway. If only he could tell Arthur that he wasn't useless and he didn't always mess things up. If he was to reveal his secret and confide in Arthur, Merlin was sure he'd hate him.
'Psst. Merlin,' Leon hissed. 'Merlin.' Leon's horse rode alongside Merlin's and breaking his bubble.
'What is it, Leon?' Merlin asked, trying to see through the cloud of his thoughts.
'Arthur is in a right foul mood...' Leon began.
'Yeah, I'd noticed,' Merlin interrupted.
'Yeah, exactly. Well... We all thought that you could, you know, talk to him.'
'Why me?!' Merlin cried.
'Because he'll listen to you,' Leon said, eyebrow raised.
'You're his most trusted knight. How do I compare?' Merlin replied.
'You know that doesn't matter to any of us. Especially, Arthur. Now get over there before we all commit treason.'
Merlin swore to himself that he really hated them all and made a mental note to give them all warts or something equally as disgusting. They only wanted him to talk to Arthur because none of them wanted to face him themselves. Wasn't being a knight all about bravery and honour. Sly cowards, the lot of them.
'Arthur,' Merlin whispered, barely audible but Arthur turned to him straight away, giving him a look of concern.
'What is it, Merlin?' Arthur said, his voice bland and empty of emotion.
'Is there something wrong?' Merlin stammered. 'It's just... you seem rather mad and if it's me you're mad at then you should just take that out on me and not everyone else and...'
'Oh good god, Merlin,' Arthur said. 'Stop rambling. I am not mad at you nor anyone else. I'm just trying to concentrate on the quest ahead.'
'Oh, right,' Merlin said, rubbing the back of his head and smiling. 'So, you're not mad?'
'No, Merlin,' Arthur said, a smile on the corner of his lips. 'Not mad.'
Merlin's insides somersaulted at the trace of a smile on Arthur's face, evident in his eyes even though he tried to hide it. Merlin knew. Maybe the knights were right. Arthur did listen to him. He loved them all, annoying traits included, as many as there were. Merlin came back to reality then and realised he had a dorky smile threatening to break his jaw and worse, Arthur was staring at him, looking amused.
'Mer-lin' Arthur drawled, trying to keep his tone steady and not laugh and definitely not giggle. 'You look like an idiot.'
'Could be worse,' Merlin smirked. 'I could look like a prat.' Merlin bit at his bottom lip to keep himself from smiling any more. The usual rhythm was back and Arthur was teasing him, which meant he cared.
A/N: Sorry for the super long hiatus. I kind of gave up on this fic, especially after the final series. I also, kinda gave up on writing. Uni sucked out my passion for reading and writing. Hoping to get back into writing this fic but no promises. Hope you enjoy the chapter.