Disclaimer: Once upon a time there was a narrator who took it upon herself to screw up every story she could get her hands on. With complete and utter disregard for the opinions of others, authors and fans alike, she made it her mission to corrupt any good plot line or character development she had the means to. With the help of her tech-savvy computer and her skills of destroying anything she put her mind to, she quickly set to work on annoying the crap out of everybody. These are her stories.

The sparkles of Bikini Bottom were alight with tranquility as the hardened starfish returned home after a hellish 46 hours at work. His hunched shoulders made it apparent that all he wanted was to throw himself down onto his sandy chair and take a long nap before going back to the hospital in 53 minutes. But fate had other plans.

"Actually, the narrator had other plans," Patrick, the starfish, declared, rubbing his eyes, "Fate had nothing to do with this. It's just the cruel hand of a lazy teenager."

"Take it back, you bait-ball! I am not a teenager. I'm an adult," the narrator protested.

As I was saying, fate had other plans, for at that moment, one of his neighbors launched the other out of his house and into the street. "You dirty, rotten slut!" the yellow sponge with brown teeth and a tangled mullet roared as he dusted his hands off and spat at his doorstep.

"Please, baby, I can change!" the other neighbor, who had been tossed into the road, cried back.

"I don't wanna hear it. You're not the faithful wife I married, and you're not the husband either. Rot in Speedo Bottom, you urchin!" SpongeBob slammed the door of his pineapple for emphasis.

The creature in the road began sobbing uncontrollably, and Patrick ran to assist despite his better judgment. "Darling, what happened with you two?"

"Oh sweet Dr. Patrick! It's awful! SpongeBob found out I was pregnant, and now he's kicking me out of the house! I have nowhere to go; my parents would never take me in in this condition." The waterworks continued with renewed vigor.

"Dear child, why should that make him so mad? Does he not want a baby?"

SpongeBob opened his bedroom window, spat, and shouted, "It ain't mine! I ain't got no genitals!" Then he slammed the window again.

"I see," Dr. Patrick deducted, rubbing his chin thoughtfully, "If only I had a beard, we might could have found a solution. Wait. Eureka! I've got it! Why don't you move in with the baby's daddy?"

"Oh, sweet, gentle Patrick. That's my problem. I don't know who he is."

Patrick's eyebrows bunched, then smoothed suddenly as a smile slid into play. "Not to worry, friend. I am a doctor. We can just give all the potential fathers a paternity test."

"But dear doctor, I don't have that kind of money. I'm a simple, stay-at-home, house-wrecking mother."

Patrick wrapped an arm around his back. "Not to worry, fair Squidward. I will perform the tests free of charge."

Squidward looked up at the starfish with huge, hopeful, bacon-pupil eyes. "You really mean it, Patrick? You would do that for me?"

"Of course, dear Squidward. What are friends for?"

"Screwing," Squidward chirped happily.

Patrick sighed. "It was a rhetorical question. Now I will need a complete list of all the possible fathers before we can begin testing them."

"How much paper do you have?"

"Let's go visit the nearest contestants, shall we?" Patrick draped the heavy squid across his shoulders and tugged his mobile-lab behind him and down the street.

"To the lagoon!" Squidward exclaimed, and they set off. They made it three yards before Squidward said, "Stop! There's one right there."

"Where? I don't see anyone."

"That pink jellyfish. I'm pretty sure I slept with him at least twice."

"Technically, we can cross all jellyfish off our list, since in this show, jellyfish are just bees and couldn't possibly produce babies in sentient beings such as ourselves, naïve Squidward."

"Oh. My bad. Gee, I wish you were the father, Patrick. Then my baby would be smart, and I could live with you."

Patrick laughed a little too happily, "Alas, no, Squidward. I'm too busy to take a lover. Thank Neptune I'm a workaholic."

"Apply the brakes, you dumb broad," scolded the boating instructor Mrs. Puff as her student driver barreled down the street at top speed. There was a piercing screeched of metal as the boat came to a complete stop right beside the pedestrians. "Fail! Fail, fail, fail!"

The student driver leaned his whole torso out of the window and smiled at Squidward. "Well, if it isn't the most beautiful squid in the entire sea."

Squidward turned up his nose, "Ugh! Go away, Squilliam. I have business to attend to."

"Aw, come on baby. Don't be like that. Let papa take you for a ride."

"For the last time, I will not sleep with you. I have much higher standards than you could ever dream of meeting."

"In fairness, that's not at all true," Patrick said, "I mean, you did marry SpongeBob."

"It was a loveless marriage, and I'm out of it now," Squidward said. He glared at Squilliam, "If you must know, I'm looking for the father of my baby."

Squilliam patted the back seat. "Hop in. I'll give you and the doctor a ride wherever you need to go."

"Oh no you won't, young man!" Mrs. Puff protested, "You are driving straight back to school. You will never get your license so long as I'm the teacher."

Squidward took the blowfish's fin. "Hey, I just meet you, and this is crazy; I'm nine months pregnant and it's your baby."

Mrs. Puff yanked her fin back. "I've only known you for half a minute."

"Knowing Squidward, that's long enough," Patrick said.

"I'm also a female, so I can't be the father."

"Well, I'm a male, but I'm the mother," Squidward huffed in protest.

Mrs. Puff flapped her jaw. "How is that even possible?"

"Fanfiction!"

"That's it. I quit. I'm retiring, and no one can stop me." Mrs. Puff jumped out of the boat and walked briskly away.

"Come on, Squidward. I'll let you sit in front," Squilliam coaxed.

Squidward rolled his eyes and sighed. "Fine. Take us to the beach."

Squilliam grinned as they hopped into the junker, "You got it, princess."

…

At the beach, Dr. Patrick set up his lab and prepared the paternity test. Squilliam stood idly by and waited patiently. Squidward returned with Larry the Lobster in tow. Patrick took a sample of his blood and began comparing it to that of the fetus.

"What makes you think Larry is the father out of the 104 men on the list I gave you?" Squidward asked Patrick.

"Based on ultrasounds of the baby, I have deduced the father must be a shellfish. You only have 3 men who fit that bill on the list, and one of them is dead, so this one test should confirm who is the father."

Larry took Squidward's tentacles and gazed lovingly into his eyes. "Darling, I don't care whose baby it is. As long as it's your baby, I will accept it as my own. I will love you and take care of you and be the husband you always wanted. I will be a father to your baby and never leave you or him no matter what happens. I'll – "

"Her," Patrick interrupted.

Larry stared at the doctor. "What?"

"You said him. The baby is a girl. I've confirmed it."

Larry jerked out of Squidward's grasp. "If you set one suction cup on my beach ever again, I will drown you in your own ink and urine." He scurried back to his lifeguard tower.

Squidward buried his face in his tentacles, but was immediately comforted by Squilliam. "Don't let him hurt your feelings, my sweet. You are too beautiful to cry over a sleaze bag like that. I know you've never thought of me as someone you could love, but I will be the best friend you could imagine if you give me the chance. You don't have to love me as long as you let me love you. Through thick and thin, I'll be more than happy to support you both."

"But Squilliam, you're a fry cook. You don't have the money to afford my lavish life style," Squidward cried bitterly.

"Then I will take back my old job of being a top-notch assassin. I'll make so much money, you'll live and breathe luxury. You can wipe your bottom with diamonds if that's what you want."

"But you love being a fry cook," Squidward protested, "I couldn't possibly take that dream away from you."

Squilliam smiled, "Baby, you are my dream."

"Test is done," Patrick announced. "And I have a match. Eugene Krabs is the baby's father."

Squilliam gasped. "That's my boss! You mean to tell me you were screwing that ugly old miser this whole time?"

"Squilliam, please. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for you to get hurt."

Just then, Mr. Krabs walked into the gathering. "Squidward, I will marry you and take care of the baby if you promise not to make me pay child support. I'll give you a safe home and a job as a cashier at my restaurant."

"But I'm the cashier," Squilliam protested.

"You're fired, Squilliam, for hitting on my baby momma." Mr. Krabs turned to Squidward, "My offer stands. Take it or die in eternal flames."

Squidward looked at Squilliam, then at Mr. Krabs, then at Squilliam, then at Mr. Krabs, then at Patrick, then at his abdomen, and shrieked in horror. "The baby's coming!"

Ninety hours of painful labor later, Squidward had delivered a healthy baby whale. "I think I'll name her Pearl," Squidward said with his last breath, then promptly died. But Mr. Krabs stepped to the right, and the breathing tube supplied him with oxygen again, so Squidward regained life. Mr. Krabs took his daughter Pearl and held her in his pinchers. On the other side of the cot, Squilliam squeezed Squidward's hand affectionately.

"If you choose me, Squidward, this story will become the prequel to the TV show as we know it," Mr. Krabs said.

"But if you choose me, you will be happy," Squilliam said.

"What's it gonna be?" Patrick asked.

Squidward looked from the father of his child to the love of his life, and his heart split in two. He grabbed his head in agony. "My estrogen levels are tanking. Must…fight…manliness… NOOOOO!" He looked up with a feral glint in his eyes and jumped out of bed. He now stood at someone else's full height, blue muscles bulging all over his body. He picked Squilliam up like a kitten and cradled him in his arms. "Squilliam, I love you, and I want to spend the rest of this fanfic with you. We'll run away together. I will become an assassin and you can be the fry cook you always wanted to be." And so Squidward busted down the walls of the establishment and hightailed it out of Bikini Bottom to live a grand life with his one true love.

So once again the day is saved thanks to The Power Puff Girls!

The End