Loki: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual, an avengers fanfic

Disclaimer: The Avengers/Thor sadly do not belong to me.

A/N: The original Owner's Guide belongs to Theresa Green. It first appeared in the LOTR fandom, but many others have used the original template in other fandoms for other characters.

.~.

Loki: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

CONGRATULATIONS!

You are now the proud owner of a LOKI GOD OF MISCHIEF unit!

Follow the guidelines in this manual and your LOKI will give you decades of quality performance.

INSTALLATION

When you receive your LOKI unit, for optimal performance, be sure to tell him that he will have access to the Throne of Asgard and the Tesseract. Please be warned that failing to do so may result in a random angry outburst from your LOKI unit.

Your LOKI should arrive fully assembled and charged. Please check that you have all his accessories (see below) and that you have been issued with the correct edition of the LOKI unit.

(a) LOKI 1.0 (copyright Stan Lee, Jack Kirby, Larry Lieber: 1962)

(b) LOKI 2.0 (copyright Kenneth Branagh/Tom Hiddleston, 2011/2012)

Note: This Owner's Manual refers to LOKI 2.0, the more lifelike model who closely resembles Tom Hiddleston.

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS

Name: Loki Laufeyson

God of:Mischief

Place of Residence:Asgard

Place of Origin: Jotunheim

Species: Diety

Manufacturers: Laufey

Nurtured By: Odin AllFather

Height: 6'2

Weight: 83kg

Hair Color: Black

Eyes: Green

OPERATING PROCEDURE

Your LOKI unit has been designed to be as user-friendly as possible. His controls are voice activated. Please state your commands clearly in any language, he is a God and is therefore programmed to speak in all dialects.

Remember that your LOKI unit is not just aesthetically pleasing; he has multiple functions.

Intelligence Quotient:

Your LOKI unit is quite the evil genius, as is common knowledge. His wit and cunning is beyond measure of any of the other Asgardians, but he can easily use this knowledge against his operator, it is encouraged to use caution when stimulating your LOKI unit's brain power.

Combat:

Your LOKI unit is programmed with many convenient battle strategies. He is also comes with a 'stun' setting, during which he will stun attackers with his attractiveness. On the plus side, LOKI unit's semi-god status makes him nearly immortal. Your LOKI unit may also be considered insane, and therefore can be unpredictable in battle.

Creative Thinking:

LOKI unit secretly had THOR unit exiled and convinced him, through lies and deceit, not to return. He also sent the Destroyer to Earth to "destroy everything" out of pure malice. LOKI unit had planned to use the bifrost bridge to destroy Jotunheim, to prove himself worthy to ODIN unit. When his plan was foiled, LOKI unit apparently committed suicide by letting go of THOR unit's and falling into the abyss. However, LOKI unit survived, presumably through his wit.

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS

You will find that your LOKI unit is not especially sociable with other models, and in our catalog we suggested that he should be operated as a lone unit. Extreme caution should be exercised if operating your LOKI unit in close proximity to any of the other AVENGER units (IRONMAN unit, THOR unit, CAPTAINAMERICA unit, HULK unit, HAWKEYE unit, and BLACKWIDOW unit) as random battle may ensue. *Unit Incorporated is not responsible for any damage to LOKI unit by the AVENGER unit(s).

If one chooses to attempt to use a LOKI unit in proximity to an AVENGER or ASGARDIAN unit you may wish to familiarize yourself with LOKI unit's interaction settings:

(a) Psycho Maniacal Army Dictator

(b) Friendly

(d) Superior

WARNING: Your LOKI unit will get along especially poorly if on settings A,C or D. If you wish your LOKI unit to act less bitter to others it is suggested to set him on the "Friendly" mode. *Unit Incorporated is not responsible for any hurt feelings caused by LOKI unit's sour attitude, as he is never really friendly.

ACCESSORIES

The items with which your LOKI unit comes equipped, depends on which edition of the God you have purchased.

LOKI 1.0 : Made completely of paper, comes with a free pair of paper spandex pants so you can match.

LOKI 2.0 : Comes fully equipped with green cape, black boots, black pants, green and gold accessories and a fancy helmet.*

*LOKI 2.0 unit does not enjoy other people wearing his helmet, it is not suggested to attempt to do so.

CLEANING

Depending on the uses to which you put your LOKI unit, you may have to clean him on a regular basis. He is very picky and will only bathe in fresh mountain water, unless you force him to do otherwise.

LUBRICATION

To ensure that your LOKI unit remains in good working order, moving parts should be lubricated regularly.

Note: LOKI unit does not think most mortals are worthy to lubricate him, please contact a local God Lube specialist for more details.

RECHARGING

As your LOKI unit is semi-immortal, he does not require regular human maintenance, however, he does appreciate the following for pleasure:

Food:

Your LOKI unit prefers traditional Ancient Norse dishes. LOKI unit is very difficult to cook for, and it is suggested to call your local History Museum for a proper Ancient Norse Cookbook.

Drink:

LOKI unit will drink any fine spirit you put in front of him, the more expensive, the better. If attempting to give LOKI unit drink when he is behaving under his superior setting, he will typically not accept, but if given a sound beating by the AVENGER units, he will happily comply.

Sleep:

You may be surprised by the minute amount of sleep your LOKI unit needs to function. However, he needs four hours* to function comfortably, and seven hours to function well. It is not necessary for your LOKI unit to sleep, but it is suggested.

*Your LOKI unit will not appreciate being woken up after miniscule amounts of sleep, Unit Incorporated is not responsible for any personal injury inflicted by the LOKI unit after unusually early awakenings.

REPROGRAMMING

The LOKI 2.0 can be issued with a revised knowledge program from Asgard via the Yggdrasil Tree Network. Be sure to update his knowledge regularly, as the times are always changing.

It is not possible to reprogram the LOKI 1.0, who comes with original cheesy and evil charm.

SECURITY

Thanks to the popularity of the LOKI unit (especially version 2.0), it essential that you observe the following security procedures for the safekeeping of your Norse God.

* Have your LOKI micro-chipped. Choose a doctor who is experienced in the handling of crabby bitter lunatics. Any insane asylum doctor will do.

* Do not leave your LOKI unit unattended in public. He may attempt to start an evil army.

* Do not lend your LOKI to anyone, he will be especially vicious to those he is not familiar with.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: My LOKI is beating me over the head with a giant block of ice he calls a tesseract, and is demanding I bow to him, is there something wrong with his superiority setting?

A: There's no problem at all. Your LOKI unit believes it is his right to rule the world and make them his mind slaves; you are simply his first target.

Q:My LOKI informed me that he fell off of a bridge into an abyss, is his dream drive on overtime?

A: Your LOKI is operating normally, he is sharing memories with you. This is very important in the bonding process and should be encouraged.

Q: My LOKI keeps plotting revenge on my neighbor's THOR unit, is there something wrong with my LOKI?

A: There's nothing wrong with him – it's just one of his quirks. Just accept it and move on.

TROUBLE SHOOTING

Problem: My LOKI is constantly telling me that my Leger is gushing red, what is he talking about?

Solution: Your LOKI unit seems to be stuck on a memory loop with his conversation with BLACKWIDOW unit, please take him to see a Unit Incorporated Specialist to check his internal drives for IRONMAN unit planted viruses.

Problem: All that my LOKI unit ever talks about is world domination, death, and power. How can I get him to talk about something really interesting?

Solution: Ask him about his childhood.

Problem: My LOKI is telling me "Ma'am, there's only one God, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that." Is he supposed to sound like that?

Solution: Your LOKI unit must have been accidentally issued a CAPTAINAMERICA unit motherboard, you may receive a standard LOKI unit motherboard free of charge if you would prefer LOKI's sour attitude towards humans over CAPTAINAMERICA unit's charm.

Problem: My LOKI seems to be afraid of thunder storms. Why?

Solution:Tragically, LOKI unit's brother THOR unit is the God of Thunder, and the pairing does not mix well. Therefore, this phobia is naturally occurring and is to be expected.

Problem: My LOKI unit is retorting my commands with "Enough! You are beneath me! I am a god, you dull creature, and I shall not be bullied..." How can I adjust his attitude?

Solution: Threaten that the HULK unit will come and smash him into the floor like a ragdoll, and he will stop.

Problem: My LOKI unit keeps asking about "Joey." Who's joey?

Solution: You have been issued a CAPTAIN NICHOLLS model by accident! Joey is a war horse. Please bring this model to the closest Unit Incorporated Specialist immediately for an exchange.

Problem: My LOKI unit keeps talking about a magical Yggdrasil tree floating in space. Has he gotten into hard drugs?

Solution:Don't worry about it. The Yggdrasil tree is Norse Mythology, he may be trying to educate you (however unlikely) you may decide it would be most prudent to listen. If you are still concerned, consult Wikipedia.

ADDITIONAL INFO

For questions or concerns please contact your nearest review box immediately.