Chapter 14: In Which Mexico Exits the Stage and England Ain't Nothing But a Hound-dog

Disclaimer: I do not own Elvis Presley or his songs, nor do I own Hetalia. I also don't own anything by Sheb Wooley. All intellectual properties except the substance of this story belong to someone else.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ON~WITH~THE~SHOW~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Prussia really wished the arguing would stop. The twins had been going back and forth now for, he checked his awesome Prussian watch, thirty-seven minutes and fifty-two seconds. Prussia understood that Birdie was pissed, hell HE was pissed. It's not easy pulling off a training montage people! It took a lot of work, (West's) money, and time—three things that Prussia hated to spend.

(Well, okay he didn't actually mind spending West's money, but usually he spent on something more for the greater good of Prussia than other people. Like that car he ordered on Ebay… man once this stupidity was over he was going to love picking up hot, sexy bodies in that thing.)

The stomping of boots snapped him out of his car-and-sex filled daydreams as the soldier inside took charge. Calling out to the bored-out-of-her-mind-as-well Belarusian Bitch, Prussia snapped, "Hey Knife Bitch! You hear that? Sounds like a whole bunch of people wanting their asses kicked!"

Belarus calmly stood up, brushed off her dress, and slipped her hands up her dress, coming back with wicked blades held loosely but authoritatively. Daintily, she was a lady after all, she kicked the twin closest to her before, also daintily, saying, "Oi! Dumb-shits one and two! Shut your fucking mouths. We got bitches to kill."

The injured twin grumbled while the other one helped him up then they also tensed and waited. A good beating was just what they needed to work off their frustrations from this stupid curse shit.

Groaning filled the huge interior of the cave, bouncing off the walls and the stone door. The four heroes readied themselves for whatever was coming at them. But the encroaching army had stopped. In the tense seconds that followed the group looked among themselves until America stepped up and called out, "Yo! Whoever is out there! Come and take your ass-whooping like men! Putting it off won't make it easier on you!"

A chuckle was heard and their enemies appeared: England, wearing a red pirate outfit and a devious smirk, and Mexico, looking extremely annoyed, bored, and holding a wedding dress.

England made a grand sweeping motion with his arm, and his voice boomed into the cavern, "My dear twins, so good to see you again. You both look ravishing." The last word was said with such lust that America could feel not only the drool dripping from the word, but also felt like he had just been sexually assaulted. He shivered. He was going to need SO much therapy when this was done.

Canada—looking oddly pleased for some reason, America noted—said in a stern voice, "What do you want England? Al and I are in the middle of something and we don't have time to play right now. Why don't we schedule tea time and chat for some later date?" America gave his brother a look that said "Not bad, 8.5 out of 10 on the bad ass quip scale." Canada sent a smug look back.

England brought his hand up to his face and chuckled through the gloved hand. Slowly he dragged his hand back down revealing his face slowly and giving the impression of an Englishman gone mad. His smile was wide and fierce enough to frighten a shark, "Oh Matthew," he purred, "I'm afraid I have come for something a little more devious than afternoon tea."

A quiet grumble came from behind the pirate, "Glad you finally remembered his name. It only took you writing the name on your damn arm."

England glared at the innocent-looking Mexican before coughing into his fist and turning back to his no-longer-as-impressed-audience, "Now you two are on English soil. And I am in need of some cabin boys… and you two look like you would make a lovely pair. Prepare for some impressment lads, for I will be boarding you both tonight!"

While Belarus and Prussia gagged at the bad pirate puns, and Canada muttered "He had to fucking write my name on his arm?! What the fuck is wrong with people?!" America stood proud, "England, England, England… we fought about this back in the War of 1812. And I beat you then, I will do it again!"

Canada coughed into his hand and said, "Actually Al you kind of lost that one."

America thought about and then shook his head, "Nope. No, no… I remember very distinctly winning that one… what with the battle of New Orleans and all."

It was England's turn to scoff, "THE BATTLE OF NEW ORLEANS?! Oh, you mean the battle that happened after the war was ALREADY OVER?! THAT DOESN'T COUNT!"

America shrugged and scratched his nose, "What? What'd you'd say? Sorry, I can't hear you over the loud ass-kicking I gave to you at New Orleans."

England seemed ready to continue to argue over the issue before taking a deep breath and releasing it. Through clenched teeth he growled, "It doesn't matter. New Orleans doesn't count… ANYWAY! To more important matters, I have an army behind me ready to create chaos and wreak havoc. You will both turn yourselves over to me forthwith, and in return your trusty animal sidekicks will be unharmed. If not you shall watch them be pulled to bits!"

Prussia seemed confused. He raised his hand and asked, "The awesome me doesn't get what you are talking about. I left Gilbird behind with the bear dude and not awesome rabbit guy. So there aren't any animals here to harm… unless you mean Belarus. Though technically she is a Nation, I can see how you got confused."

Belarus rolled her eyes, huffing, "Oh fuck you Prussia."

Prussia just quipped back, "No thanks, I'm pretty sure that vag of yours is laden with jagged glass or something equally not awesome for my awesome five meters."

America seemed confused, "Wait… I've actually been thinking about that 'cause your guys' metric system makes no sense—unlike inches and feet which is the bomb—and isn't five meters, like, a lot. Like bigger than people so… how would all that fit in your pants?"

Canada again stared upwards in hope that either (a) some deity would send intelligence or common sense to his twin, preferably in the guise of lightening, or (b) some deity would strike Matthew down so the headache of his twin would go away. He really didn't care which at this point.

England, like whenever he had to spend any amount of time near America, blew up. His face turned red and he started screaming, "IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER! BOTH BELARUS AND PRUSSIA WILL BE TORN TO BITS BY MY ARMY UNLESS YOU SURRENDER SO JUST FUCKING SURRENDER SO I CAN GAG YOU AND RETAIN SOME OF MY BRAIN CELLS!"

America just blinked and muttered, "Dude, harsh much? Someone needs his PMS pills…"

Canada decided to take control of the situation before things got too ludicrous. He said in a clear voice that rang through the cavern like bells of freedom over a town that just recently threw off the yoke of oppression (or at least that is what he thought he sounded like, instead it came across as just a normal speaking voice that kind of reverberated across the walls but not really), "Arthur, my brother and I will not submit. We will win against your army and continue to seize the day and our fortune!"

Canada struck a mighty pose!

America tugged on his sweatshirt and whispered, "Mattie… why are we seizing the day and our fortune? That wasn't part of the plan. We were just gonna get the unicorn thing remember?"

Canada shot back, "Shut up, Al."

England struck his own mighty pose and shouted, "Very well! I call upon my army! Seize my twins and kill the rest! GO!"

Once again the groaning and stomping and shuffling progressed forwards as England's army came into the light. The four readied for battle. Sweat rolled down Prussia's face (in one single drop like in a cool action manga). Belarus narrowed her eyes into vicious, bloodthirsty slits—and then stopped because it impaired her sight and was stupid to do no matter how cool it looked. America and Canada tensed.

Finally the army was visible and the heroes looked upon their enemy.

Zombies. Pirate zombies. England had round up a huge group of Pirate Zombies.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~THIS~IS~A ~BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Elsewhere, a Monkey King and a little yellow bird got paid twenty bucks each from two annoyed animal spirit kings. Nanuq grumbled, "I could have sworn he would've use Hogwart's students…"

The bird just gave a haughty chirp at the evidence of Sore Loserdom and began to imagine all the bird seed and lady birds he would be able to attract with the favorable wager. Gilbird was going to be picking up chicks tonight!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~THIS~IS~A~BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The four looked at the Pirate zombies, or Pimbies.

The newly dubbed Pimbies looked back.

This continued for about ten seconds. Then the four broke into large, slightly insane, grins.

America shouted, "Twins against Europeans!"

Belarus just sighed and picked up one of the backpacks with the huge (some sane soul would say ridiculous) amount of firearms inside it. Pulling out a nice sniper rifle, she looked over the bullet count in her hand (as her slightly insane grin grew just a tad wider) and said, "Fine. Normal wager? And normal count?"

Canada drew his own weapon, a grenade launcher, from his backpack o' goodies and grunted, "Sounds good to me."

Prussia already had his guns ready, but cast a sneer at the grenade launcher saying, "No grenade launchers. Too easy."

Canada did an epic pout but it was wasted on his currently bloodthirsty company so he put it back down and grabbed something else, muttering with all the dignity of a petulant teenager, "Fine. Spoil all my fun… stupid Prussians…"

England, having watched all this from a safe corner of the room, (because Mexico knew what was going to happen and had gotten them both out of the blast zone) only had time to stutter a confused, "W-what," before the killing began.

It was Prussia, Belarus, Canada, and America versus an army of hundreds of Pimbies.

The Pimbies never had a chance.

What commenced in the annihilation that lasted all of ten minutes at best was chaos that not even most wars could brag about. At worst? You don't even want to go there. After the ordeal, England would try to remember back to the epic battle and could only recall snips and snatches of sound and sight.

Canada tearing through a section of Pimbies causing a Pimbie arm to go flying through the air here, a leg over there. America cannon-balling into a cluster of the Pimbies and shooting everything that moved around him while crazed laughter flowed from his lips and an unholy light shone in blue eyes. Belarus taking one mighty leap over three Pimbies that had fallen over the body of their recently-reacquainted-with-death friends; shooting them and getting perfect headshots. For some reason, England to this day swears he heard her muttering, "Boom. Head shot." At one point, Prussia had picked up a grenade launcher and was firing into the now fleeing Pimbies. This caused Canada—dear, darling Canada who was usually so polite and well-mannered and soft-spoken!—to screech, "YOU SAID NO GRENADE LAUNCHERS YOU ASS! THAT'S AGAISNT THE RULES!" To which Belarus replied with a philosophical and deep, "There are no rules in hell, bitch!"

And then as quick as it began, the madness ended leaving England feeling all the more confused and disoriented as he tried to regain his mental footing. The losers were currently bitching at the winners, "The grenade launcher body count shouldn't count! Prussia called it off-limits in the beginning and then the hoser broke his own rule!"

Belarus, quietly gloating over her victory, shrugged and said, "Deal. You're just pissed you didn't think of it. Now you two are going to be cooking my favorite meals for two weeks after this so you better stock up."

America and Canada just groaned and gave up on the battle. The four turned their attention to a gibbering Englishman and an upset Mexican (somehow the bridal dress had become a victim to the carnage, leaving Alejandro very distraught at losing yet another chance to marry his Alfred). The four decided to, for once, leave dogs sleeping and quietly crept behind the gate.

~~~~~~~~~~~~TIME ~LAPSE~OCCURS~HERE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a good half hour after the four had left that England finally snapped out of his malaise. Mexico had long since given up kicking him and had left, stage right, to go and see if Monty or Randy could hook him up with yet another dress (hopefully at a good price and maybe this time he would try a fit and flare style, Alfred did have the right body for it). England looked around and wondered what he was to do. It was now no longer just a matter of bedding the delectable twins—although that was still one huge, glowing neon sight of a goal—but also to get revenge for his humiliation. He'd brought his best out and they had been thoroughly demolished by those twats.

And to make matters worse, England had missed tea time.

And that was unforgivable.

SO! They had to suffer, no doubt, but how was the question of import. England needed a plan. He needed something so powerful that there would be nothing for his foes to do but weep as Spain did when he kicked the Armada's ass. England spent a few seconds reminiscing about the happy memories of crushed enemies weeping in little balls, before snapping out of it. He needed to focus and think. His biggest advantage was his magic, but he'd used it all when he'd brought his Pirate Zombie—like hell he would call it a Pimbie, he was British god damn it and he wouldn't speak like an American!—army back to life. It would take him a few days to get all his power back, and by then the twins would be long gone along with his chance at vengeance!

England brought his fist down hard… and then gave a mighty swear as one of the many little rocks that lined the bottom of the magical cave fought back.

Wait.

Magical cave. He was in a magical cave… oh… now this was something he could work with.

~~~~~~~~~~~THIS~IS~A~BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The four came racing out of the gate. Belarus was screaming, "CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT!" just as the twins pushed the gates closed in the nick of time for something very large to loudly crash into the doors.

The four breathed a long sigh of relief. After a few moments of heavy breathing and the silent enjoyment that comes with being alive after facing the cold hands of death, Prussia gave a slight chuckle, "Well that was our biggest adventure yet."

America shook his head with a laugh and agreed, "You said it Gil! There were times in there that I thought for sure we weren't going to make it."

Canada smiled and hugged his twin. He said, "And you know… despite it being our greatest adventure, I think the true treasure came with what we learned about each other. I feel lot closer with all of you now."

Belarus nodded and said, "There are things in life, Matthew, that change a person and make them grow. We went in there thinking we knew everything, but instead life taught us that there are still things that even we can't defeat alone."

Matthew gave Belarus a shit-eating grin and quipped, "So it's Matthew now, eh Natalia?

Belarus's face turned a micro-shade of pale pink and she punched the Canadian in the arm. Turning away as he winced, she mumbled, "Well we have to be on first name basis after the fire-breathing dragon burned all our clothes and we had to hunt and make new ones while sharing a pair of pants and a hoodie between us."

Alfred laughed and was about to make a comment about how if they thought the fire-breathing dragon was bad than they should have seen the one-eyed-one-horned-flying-flying-purple-people-eater, when a delicate cough interrupted him.

England stepped into the light and said, "As terribly fascinating as this little cuddle-fest is, I'm afraid that I must be terribly rude and interrupt. Please excuse my manners."

Prussia just grunted and began to walk towards the Englishman. He sneered, "Listen, Artie, we don't feel like kicking your ass right now, so why don't you run along? We just got done with some actual bad-asses and don't have time fo—"

That was as far as Prussia got because in the next second, he was lifted up by a giant rock hand and smashed against the ceiling of the cavern. He gasped out blood from the impact and his vision swirled. The other three stared in confusion and dawning horror as they realized that England meant business.

A sucking sound and a scream rocked the cavern next, as Belarus and their bags with all their weapons were sucked into the ground. Belarus's head was the only thing remaining above ground. England wagged a finger at them and scolded, "Now, now… weapons aren't good for little children. You are lucky I'm here to take care of you."

Giant hands reached and tried to grab the twins, but they managed to dodge. England shook his head and sighed, "Matthew, Alfred, please make this easier on us all. You both will be caught. Don't make such a fuss and just accept it."

A hand managed to snag America's ankle but he quickly destroyed it and jumped out of the way of more stone hands. America snarled a fierce, "Never!"

This continued until it was clear that the twins were tiring before England was. Canada cursed as he tripped in his somersault and was completely captured by stone hands before he could escape. All hope now rested on America, but Matthew could tell his twin couldn't keep going much longer. There had to be something they could do. How did Arthur get all this power? Matthew frantically searched around and noticed that there appeared to be trails of magic leaving the cave and flowing into England. Magic… that was it! Use fire to fight fire!

Canada screamed, "AL! He's using magic from the cave! Pull some of it into you and fight back - It's the only way!"

England just snorted, "Matthew dear, your beautiful imbecile of a twin can't use magic. Just accept that I have won and you have lost and that you both will be mine!"

America just looked betrayed. "Mattie," he cried, "you know why I won't use my magic! It's SO STUPID!" He gave his twin a pleading look, but Matthew remained firm. They had too much to lose.

Canada went for the kill, "A hero must make sacrifices for the greater good Al. Aren't you a hero?"

Belarus and England stared at the Canadian. The blatant manipulation of the most sacred value that Alfred held dear so as to force him to do something? Genius! Prussia simply muttered, "Oh snap!"

America couldn't back down now. He had no choice! Mattie had pulled the Hero Card!

America sucked in a breath and hissed, "I hope you all understand what I'm about to do for you and appreciate it." Then he started to hum. As he hummed, the magic that was flowing to England cut off and began to go to him instead. America's eyes were turning from a bright blue, to a glowing blue. His entire body seemed to collect in golden light.

Everyone but Canada, who knew what to expect, was speechless at the spectacle.

Then: It happened.

America began to sing…

"You ain't nothing but a hound dog

Cryin' all the time

You ain't nothing but a hound dog

Cryin' all the time

Well, you ain't never caught a rabbit

And you ain't no friend of mine!"

Prussia, Belarus, and Canada were released from their bonds. Prussia and Belarus quickly stumbled over to Canada and looked at him with confused faces as America began to battle England with the power of The King and Rock 'n' Roll.

"When they said, you was high classed

Well, that was a lie.

When they said, you was high classed

Well, that was lie.

Yeah, you ain't never caught a rabbit

And you ain't no friend of mine!"

Canada began to explain, as England tried to fire bolts of magic at America only to have him smack them away and keep singing, "America's special power is his singing. On low levels, his magical singing attracts animals and has them help him with stuff like chores or—"

Prussia interrupted, "So he's a Disney Princess?"

Canada twitched and glared at Prussia. He ground out, "Yes, but don't you dare say that near him or he will get all pouty and shit and then I WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT! I don't like dealing with that. If he gets pouty and shit because of you, I will hunt you down and force-feed you England's scones until you die. Do you understand?"

Prussia quickly nodded.

Canada snorted, "Good. Now, at higher levels, America's voice can alter reality. Basically make a musical happen anywhere he pleases with all the reality bending that comes with that like everyone knowing the lines, singing in tune, and dancing in perfect choreographed steps… but at this level? What he sings BECOMES reality. So when he says England is a hound dog…" Canada trailed off as the three turned to England. The Brit was convulsing on the floor. Light was surrounding him as America began to sing the final stanza of The King's song. As the last note rang, a bright light filled the cavern.

When the light was gone all that remained of England seemed to be his clothes. But then a twitching form could be seen and a small (and adorable) hound dog shuffled out of the clothes.

The four walked up and stared. Prussia leaned over and asked, "So… how long's this gonna last?"

America shrugged and said, "He should be back to normal in like, three to five days. Just depends."

Canada sighed and said, "We'll have to leave him with one of his brothers or something… wait. What is he doing?" The small hound dog had come up to Canada and looked at him before giving a happy bark…

… and then beginning to hump his leg frantically.

America cooed, "Ah! I think he likes you Mattie!"

Canada was not so charmed. "Fabulous," he growled, "I always dreamed about having my leg enthusiastically humped by my old caretaker-turned-dog. Truly my life is now complete."

America gave his brother an animated thumbs-up, "Glad your dream came true bro."

Canada gave his twin a long look before turning to Prussia and Belarus and saying, "Please just kill me now. Please."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~END~OF~CHAPTER~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay it has been awhile but school and law school and life… all striving to keep me down! Well! Here is the next chapter and I do hope you liked it!

To the anons!

MOFALLE: I know so if Rocky gets a montage, so do the twins! And hugs for you loving Monty. He is super awesome. Thank you for reviewing!

CATGIRL963: So about updating soon… Well I am on break now so it will happen faster! And Mexico and England are really great together and I hope the Pimbies didn't disappoint! Wales will have a cameo soon, and yes, accents are sexy. I am glad you liked the chapter, thanks for reviewing!

AREOWAVE: Accents are so sexy, I completely understand America's problem. As for the Italian Stallions… you'll see! Thank you for taking the time to review!

LOL: He is getting a big hug right now! And he says, thanks for the hug and for the review!

SKYLAWILLIAMS-BC: Yes, the training was really fun to write. ^_^ Thanks for reviewing!

MAPLE LEAF: I will keep writing, but it will be slow! Sorry! Hope it is worth the wait and I appreciate the love and encouragement!

GUEST: I am pleased to see that I made you laugh so much. It is a pleasure to know that my paltry attempts at humor are appreciated. Sorry about the long update, but hopefully the next one won't be so long, right? Thanks for sticking with me and for reviewing!

MUCH LOVE TO YOU ALL!

91REDROSES