Ask Shepard:

An Advice Column

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A/N: Here is the third and last installment of Ask Shepard: An Advice Column! This takes place after the reaper war, once Shepard has healed up and settled down. I hope you enjoy it!

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Disclaimer: This author in no way profits from the writing of this story. All characters, dialogue, or other referenced material from the Mass Effect trilogy belongs to Bioware.

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What you've all been waiting for—Commander Shepard responds to fanmail, answers questions, and gives advice, right here on Galactic Enquirer Online! Exclusive: the hero of the Citadel uncensored!

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Dearest Commander,

After all we've been through, darling, I thought we had a connection; something special.

It grieves me to hear that you feel otherwise! Did I imagine the longing looks? Your desire to please? When we last met face-to-face, it was as if nothing had transpired between us!

This is the last communication you shall receive from me, dearest, though it breaks my heart.

Always yours,

Admirer

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Admirer,

The only feelings I have for you are totally completely appropriate professional-type feelings. Promise!

But… thanks for the attention, I guess?

Shepard

P.S. You really should look to getting a lady closer to your own age. I can hook you up with a doctor friend of mine if you're interested.

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Shepard,

I know not to believe everything I see on the extranet. Which is why I have got to ask… Are the pictures from the Council awards banquet 'shopped?

I find it hard to believe that you actually wore a dress.

H. Blake

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HB,

The pics are not shopped.

We will never, EVER speak of this again.

CS

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Commander Shepard,

Is it true you're retired?

Who is going to save the galaxy now?

-Talitha

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Talitha,

Hopefully the galaxy will manage to hold itself together without me for a while.

…yeah, probably not.

Can a person un-retire?

Shep

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Dear Commander,

I heard from some friends on the Citadel that you had a real live prothean on your ship! What was he like?

Rebecca P.

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Becca,

He was really intense and kinda scary. A total downer, really.

And he was weirdly obsessed with my ship's airlock.

-Shepard

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Hey, Shepard, it's me! Conrad Verner!

Guess what! Jenna and me are getting married!

Just wanted to say thanks for helping us get together! Saving your life was totally worth it! Of course it would always be worth it because I saved your life, but, well, you know what I mean, right? Right?

Your best buddy,

Conrad Verner

P.S. Will you be my best man?

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Conrad,

Congrats on the wedding. Hopefully Jenna will keep you busy enough that you won't have time to write to me anymore.

I have to pass on the offer, though, I'm really busy right now. You know, being retired.

Best of luck,

Shepard, super busy retired person

P.S. You might want to get rid of those candles and poster you mentioned. I doubt your new wife will appreciate the shrine. Or at least I really, really hope she won't.

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Commander Shepard,

Are the rumors true?

Have you turned your back on humanity to marry a TURIAN?

Don't you remember being at war with them? How could you think of marrying one of those dinosaurs?

Anonymous

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Anon,

I'm a little young to remember being at war with the turians.

I figure I can probably marry whoever I want since I totally saved Earth a few months ago. I imagine that should win me a few extra points.

Also, I'm promoting turian-human relations, duh. Like, an ambassador or something. You know.

-Mrs. Vakarian

PS. That's not really my name. Don't call me that unless you want to get punched. (No offense, G, you know I love you baby!)

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Commander,

What kind of armor were you wearing when you ended the war with the reapers? I've got to know!

Armor Merchant

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Armor dude,

I was wearing Rosenkov, but I am disappoint.

Did you know that by the time I set of the Crucible that half my armor was burnt away? I need armor that can withstand reaper beams!

I demand more from my armor, damn it!

Got any recs?

- Shepard, armor connoisseur

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Dear Shepard,

What are your retirement plans? Just wondering.

Nobody important

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Dear Nobody,

A house on the beach and lots of alien babies.

- Shepard, homeowner, housewife?

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Commander (it's such an honor!)

Did you really summon a giant thresher maw on Tuchanka?

I saw it in the vids, but didn't believe it!

Corporal

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Corporal,

Yes, but I'm trying to block it out. Thresher maws are scary.

Commander Shepard, future therapy patient

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Commander,

How did you feel about the redesign of the Normandy? Did it serve you well during the war?

Retrofit Specialist

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Well, Specialist, I have to say I was a little disappointed.

I really liked that trash compactor.

On the bright side, you guys made more room for my model ships! And that was a pretty sweet poker table added to the lounge.

But you totally lost my prothean artifact and space hamster! Poor Boo was traumatized and hiding in the engineering subdeck. He still hasn't recovered. I can tell by his terrified squeaks.

Also, Mordin's lab was gone.

- Shepard

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Shepard,

I had a question.

Why do you sit on the roof instead of the balcony? You have a beautiful balcony with such good views! I can't figure out why you don't use it.

Anonymous

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Anon,

I totally know who you are. Are you seriously spying on me in my vacation house?

We need to have another talk about boundaries, Broker!

-Shep

PS. I just like the roof, okay?

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Commander,

I need advice, and I believe you have personal experience.

Everyone I know thought I was dead, but I didn't actually die. How do I tell my friends and family and people I care about that I'm alive? What do I say when I see them again?

I'm not sure how to handle this. I'm just a marine, ma'am.

Suited Up

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Suited Up,

I told most of my close friends that I was alive by waltzing in to save their asses when they needed it most. Then I asked for their help on a suicide mission. So I don't think my experiences are going to be standard here.

Of course, I do have an extranet advice column, so I suppose I should try to come up with some advice, huh?

Oh, hell, I don't know. Just walk in and say hi. Then write me and tell me how it goes. For science!

Your friend,

Shep

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Oh Shepard!

You are probably the last person I should be writing to about this, but I don't know who to go to!

The person I love has gone and gotten married! There's no one like him in the galaxy, but I can't have him now. He has been taken from me forever! Oh, my heart!

Please help me, Shepard!

Doc Chloe

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I remember you, Doc!

But I'm not sure why you're writing to me now, seeing as my advice on how to woo him clearly didn't work at all.

I'm starting to think this whole advice column thing was a bad idea. Hmm.

-A very sorry Shepard

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Hey, Shepard, it's me, Conrad! How's it going?

So I was thinking the other day, since you're too busy to come to the wedding (bummer!), maybe I can send you pictures or a vid! Or we can vid-call during the ceremony! Wouldn't that be great?

Please give me your contact info so we can do that! It's going to be awesome!

Conrad Verner, your best friend

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Conrad…

I think I'll be way, way too busy for a vid-call. Why don't you just send the pictures to my column? That seems like a good idea to me.

Commander Shepard

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Dearest,

I come to you brought quite low by your rejections.

I promised that I would not contact you again, and I intended to keep my word as a gentleman and a soldier.

However, I was taken by surprise at your last response to me. You suggest another woman to take my mind off of you, my hero? My darling?

You are the only person who I would trust to select a woman for me besides yourself. I submit to your judgment, my Tempest. You shall find me a woman to replace you. Perhaps then, I can find my peace.

Your unworthy Admirer

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Admirer,

I'm only going to do this once, okay?

I've got the contact info of a doctor friend of mine. She's pretty awesome, so you better not break her heart! Or I'll come for you, and not in the way you've always wanted me to.

Anyways, I'm sending you her number. Have fun and don't do anything stupid!

CS

PS. Watch your brandy stash around her. She's a bit of a lush.

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