Here it is, my first fanfiction in months. In celebration of the Queen's Diamond Jubilee, no less...

The bells rang out over London, and the streets were crowded with hundreds upon thousands of loyal British citizens, waving Union Jack flags and cheering. The royal parade was snaking its way through the city. Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II sat in her royal horse-drawn carriage, waving regally to passerby. Prince Charles and Camilla, Prince Harry, and the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge followed Her Majesty's carriage in a limousine of their own. A royal band marched ahead of them, "God Save The Queen" trumpeting from their instruments.

Suddenly, the Queen's horses whinnied in fright as a gust of wind and a peculiar vworping sound pervaded the air. A blue police box materialized out of thin air onto the road before them, the vworping sound intensifying in volume. A tall, gangly man wearing a tweed longcoat, waistcoat, and a navy blue bow tie stepped out of the box, brandished a metallic, wand-shaped device, and scanned the area.

"No, no, no… well, this isn't the planet of the Diamond Beaches – SORRY, RIVER – and this definitely isn't Tremalond Ninety, either…" the man muttered to himself. He looked up from his scanning device and his face broke into a nervous grin.

"Oh, hello, Your Majesty…"

"Hello, Doctor…" said the Queen, standing up from her carriage seat and piercing the Doctor's gaze with a look that could simultaneously melt and shatter an ice sculpture.

"Am I interrupting anything… again?" asked the Doctor nervously, straightening his bow tie and stashing his sonic screwdriver into his pants pocket.

"Why, yes, you are," said Prince William, who with his wife Kate had already had their royal wedding interrupted by the Doctor.

"It's Her Majesty's Diamond Jubilee," added Prince Harry, "and my grandmother isn't very keen on having her 60th anniversary on the throne pushed aside by some mad man in a box!"

"Diamond Jubilee… no wonder my TARDIS sent me here instead of the planet of Diamond Beaches…"

Amid all this ruckus, River Song stepped out of the blue box, wearing a short, thin blue bathrobe over a rather S&M-y black bikini and lace-up sandals.

"Sweetie, what's all the commotion? Have we arrived at the Planet of Diamond Beaches yet… oh, hello, Your Majesty." River blushed a deep red at the sight of the Queen, and tried to cover her exposed legs with her robe.

"River, I don't believe you've ever met Liz the Second," said the Doctor, trying to diffuse the ticking time-bomb of tension pervading the air, "she's a lovely woman and a helluva monarch if I do say so myself."

It didn't work. River had already run back into the TARDIS, probably to change outfits.

Queen Elizabeth reached into her handbag and pulled out –

"Wow, Grandmother, since when did you pack heat?" Prince Harry sputtered in awe.

Her Majesty had just pulled what looked to be two stainless steel revolvers out of her handbag and was pointing them directly at the Doctor.

"Usually I'm a sweet old lady with a whole lot of power," said the Queen with an unprecedented amount of sass, "but when someone interrupts two royal celebrations in a row… I bring out the big guns. I'm the bloody Queen, mate, and basically, I rule."

The Doctor stifled a laugh as the Queen spoke.

"Well, I'll be damned, you're starting to sound just like Liz 10… what she will sound like, anyway… wow, I have got to start paying attention to where, no, rather, when I am…"

"Oh, Sweetie, what trouble have you gotten us into now," said River, reemerging from the TARDIS in her prison dress and combat boots. She kissed the Doctor on the cheek, brandished her Alpha Mezon pistol, and pointed it at the Queen's carriage.

"RIVER, NO! THAT'S THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND'S CARRIAGE!" shouted the Doctor, grabbing the gun out of his sweetie's hand and tossing it back into the TARDIS. "You don't just try and shoot the Queen of England's royal carriage during a parade!"

"That's not the Queen of England or her carriage, or even the Royal Family," said River. "It's a Multiform, like Prisoner Zero. Only this time, it's gone and mimicked both Elizabeth the Second and the Tenth. Dunno why it only copied the body and family of Two and combined it with the personality of Ten, but it's a Multiform nonetheless."

"WHAT?" was all the Doctor could say…