The Wit of a Swan and a Cullen

Rating: T – for language!

Disclaimers: I do not own Twilight or any of the characters inside the book. They belong to S. Meyers. I own the plot line and the characters I come up with.

Warnings: Some crude language.

Summary:When introducing Bella to his family, everything was going great for Edward. Then Bella's phone radio beeped, and revealed just how witty a Swan can be when with her Cullen boyfriend that has a side-plan.

AN: Just a funny one-shot of a little moment that happened when Edward introduced Bella to his family. I love these things, so I might write a lot of them.

''It's good to see you again, Bella.''

Bella Swan looked to the famous Carlisle Cullen that held a gentle smile while he held onto his excited wife, Esme.

''It's good to see you, too Carlisle. How's work?'' Bella asked interestedly, much to Carlisle's pleasure.

''Everything has been doing great. Especially since I haven't seen you in my emergency room.'' Carlisle teased.

Bella whispering 'that's not my fault', making Edward chuckle as he wrapped an arm around her waist.

Alice jumped in the conversation merrily. ''So Bella, what are you doing today besides having some 'alone time' with Edward?'' Alice asked with a mischievous grin.

Bella and Edward became embarrassed at what Alice was suggesting, but only Bella blushed visibly.

''Alice!'' Edward hissed.

Alice giggled and hid herself behind the smirking Jasper that felt both of the new couple's embarrassment. ''I apologize, Bella. Alice likes to run her mouth without thinking of the consequences.'' Jasper apologized to the human and tried to not chuckle.

''It's fine. My mom's worse if you can believe it.'' Bella told them while trying to not glare in the pixie's direction like Edward was.

Emmett grinned next to the stone-faced Rosalie. ''How bad can she be? I mean; she's your mom so she must be fun right?'' Emmett concluded.

Bella and Edward looked to each other then back to Emmett with a simple; ''no.''

Emmett was very curious now, and when Emmett Cullen was curious; nothing stopped him until he got what he wanted. ''How bad is she?'' Emmett asked.

Bella debated whether to say anything on her child-like mother, but before she could decide; her phone radio beeped.

''Calling all hoes.'' A female voice intruded the room happily.

Bella looked around the room and then to Edward. ''Did you hear what I heard?'' Bella asked rhetorically. She knew that voice all too well.

Edward searched Bella's pockets, but couldn't find her phone. He steadily ignored the looks he was getting for touching Bella like he was. That included their grins.

''Where's your phone, love?'' Edward asked and he searched his own pockets instinctively.

Bella went to her shirt and pulled it out, making Alice and Emmett laugh.

''I put it with the girls so Emmett didn't get hold of it.'' Bella admitted. Emmett made a 'hey' before chuckling.

Edward took the phone. ''Intelligent, love.'' Edward commended.

''Answer your phone slut. Put the vibrator down and beep me, gosh darn it!'' The female said in a huff over the radio.

Bella smacked her head. She knew that girl needed her mouth sewed together or something, and so did Edward when he put the phone back in her shirt, not respecting the boundaries he made himself.

''Let's pretend you're not here, love.'' Edward said simply.

Bella hoped that would work, but then again; it was just a prayer that would never be answered.

''I am watching you, my pretty.'' Female said creepily.

Bella shivered and took her phone out quickly and ignored Emmett's staring. Edward didn't ignore his brother's stares at his mate, and he threw his own phone at Emmett's head in warning, making it break on contact. Carlisle scolded Edward automatically, but his grin let him off the hook. Rosalie glared at her mate also for staring at the plain human, making Edward glare harder at her until she admitted defeat with a huff. She had lost to Edward and his human. Again.

Bella pressed a button on her phone. ''Please do not utter that sentence again. Ever.'' Bella ordered.

''It made you answer. Whatcha doin'?'' Female said childishly.

''With some people. Please beep me later, okay?'' Bella asked as she put the phone back in her shirt, and hoped that Michelle listened to her this time.

Edward sighed. ''She won't stop.'' Edward said convicted as he took a set in a dining room chair and prepared for the long conversation with a woman that needed to just shut up.

Bella shook her head and looked to her boyfriend. ''I know, and I'm terribly sorry for what you're about to hear.'' Bella turned to the amused parents with a sheepish expression. ''I'm sorry for anything that comes out of my mouth.'' Bella apologized in advance

As expected, the battle began. ''Isabella Marie Swan; tell me you're not having an orgy without me! Are you using a condom? You better be staying safe honey. With all those hicks in that town, be warned; you might catch something like dip in your vaggy.''

Bella took the challenge like Edward thought she would from that glint in her eyes appearing and her twitching her eyebrow before getting out her phone.

''If I was having an orgy; I wouldn't be sharing with a slut like you. Go find your own hicks.'' Bella told her without hesitation.

Emmett sat down next to Edward and Alice to watch the show with a grin, as Jasper and Rosalie stared shocked to the core. Carlisle and Esme began to whistle and leave the room to ignore the on-coming battle between two humans with dirty mouths and minds.

''Bitch. I showed you how to please a woman, and this is how you return the favor?'' Michelle said offended.

Bella scoffed. ''I don't need you to show me how to please a woman. I think I can do just fine without your BDSM help.''

''You fucking loved it.'' Michelle told her with a chuckle.

Edward rubbed his head. He really didn't want to know any of this from Michelle's mouth. Emmett stared at Bella with a new light in his eyes, making Edward glare at him, with Alice sitting back and enjoying the show next to Jasper who just sat down next to her. Rosalie went beside Jasper with a curious expression.

''Because you forced Ecstasy into me.'' Bella confessed. ''People call that rape these days, dear.''

Michelle laughed over the phone. ''It isn't rape if the victim screams faster and harder without any prompting, dear. With those moans you made, I wouldn't be able to tell if you were trying to scream for help, or for that toy to move faster.'' Michelle said, making Edward drop his head to the table with a thud and Emmett lean back in his chair impressed. Rosalie followed her husband suit, and Jasper and Alice grinned.

Bella blushed as she dared a look to her boyfriend's defeated pose. ''I'm sorry, honey.'' Bella said innocently before she went back to her phone. ''Don't break my boyfriend or I won't tell you about the hoes in this town that you could do easily.'' Bella warned.

''Blonde, blue-eyed girls that are going after men that stare at your ass and not theirs? Sorry, Edward dear. I'm horny as fuck right now without my sex toy in town.'' Michelle confessed.

Edward stole the phone from Bella. ''Refrain from calling Bella your sex toy, Michelle.'' Edward told her.

''She was mine before she was yours. Ya do her yet?'' Michelle asked interestedly.

Edward turned to his girlfriend who grinned and gave him the go-ahead. The Cullen siblings all leaned forward in anticipation of what their gentleman of a brother was going to do; even Carlisle and Esme poked their heads back in the room as they eavesdropped like children, and with those glints in their eyes; they really were children stuck in eternally youthful twenty-year-old bodies.

Edward smirked as he pushed the talk button. ''Let's share experiences.''

Michelle made some type of agreeing 'ho-ho-ho' noise. ''Well than, my good sir I shall start. When we first turned fourteen –'' Michelle began as Edward set the phone down on the counter.

Edward took Bella's hand and walked out with his family watching the phone and looking concentrated as they grinned as every experience she had with Bella came pouring out of her mouth like butter on hot toast.

''Come along Bella. I'll give you that tour now.'' Edward told her slyly and Bella went with him.

''You handled that quite well, Edward. How did you know she would rant away?'' Bella asked curiously, as they made it to the stairs and she went first.

Edward chuckled as he clearly heard Michelle going on over the radiophone about how Bella loved being tied up for some reason. ''She's predictable, plus; she texted you non-stop a few nights ago, so I thought; why not get her going just enough so she won't even know where gone and not listening to her?'' Edward told her with a crooked smile.

Bella turned to him in the hallway with a devious smirk, much to Edward's pleasure. ''You just wanted ideas, didn't you?'' She outed him.

Edward gave her a kiss on the cheek and her jaw. ''Am I that transparent?'' Edward asked innocently.

Just a mindless shortie that was in my head for a few hours. It's not long, I know, but hopefully you gave at least a little laugh.

Please enjoy this little drabble.

-Col. Rage