This is my final chapter! I hope you enjoy this one as much as I enjoyed writing it. It's dark, but I think it's good. Thanks for all my loyal readers and reviewers! Because you asked for it, IlseAnne, this one is dedicated to you!

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters

She yanked her coat from the back of her chair and half walked, half jogged to her car. She could feel the adrenaline pumping through her body. She had no idea what she would say to the blonde, but she refused to think about it because if she did, she would probably scare herself into going home.

Olivia hopped in her car and made her way to Alex's apartment. She distracted herself by singing along to music, but once she found herself riding the elevator up and then standing before the blonde's door, she froze. She hadn't even checked the time. Would Alex still even be up?

The brunette glanced down at her watch. 9:46 pm. It was late, but Alex would probably still be awake. She bit her bottom lip and raised her fist. She felt herself hesitating, her knuckles a few inches from the door. Before she could chicken out, she knocked.

Olivia could feel her heart pumping in her chest as she waited for Alex to open the door. It had been a week since she'd seen the woman outside of work and almost three days since they had spoken at all. A million things were running through her mind, but when the blonde opened the door, Olivia's heart and mind stopped dead in their tracks.

"Hey."

The detective swallowed hard and took a deep breath.

"Hi," the brunette responded.

"You're here kind of late."

Olivia detected no coldness in the woman's comment, but she also didn't hear any kind of warmth either.

"I know. Sorry. Can I come in?"

"Sure."

Alex moved out of the way and let the detective in. Olivia noticed the pile of paperwork on the blonde's coffee table and felt slightly guilty for interrupting the woman when she was working. She knew that Alex hated to be disturbed when she was concentrated.

Alex closed the door and followed the brunette into the living room, wondering what Olivia needed to discuss at this hour. She could tell by the detective's demeanour that it wasn't work related, and she was dreading what the woman would have to say. She knew that things weren't going so well lately and she knew they would have to talk. She was not looking forward to this talk.

She closed her folders and moved them onto the kitchen table. She offered Olivia something to drink, trying to do her best to delay the inevitable, but the woman declined. Alex could feel herself starting to get nervous so she sat down and forced a smile.

"It's been a while since we've seen each other."

Alex nodded. "Yeah… It has."

"I've missed you."

"I missed you too."

Olivia looked at her. Alex looked tired. Maybe Elliot was right. Maybe she had been just as miserable. What had been going through her mind? Was she having second thoughts? She knew Alex had been having a hard time since the beginning, but she never found out why. She had thought in time that the blonde would tell her of her own volition, but after this much time, it seemed that Olivia would have to ask.

"What?"

Olivia snapped back to reality.

"What is it you came here for Olivia? I know there's a reason."

"I just wanted to see you."

Olivia cursed herself as the lie slip past her lips.

"You and I both know that's a lie."

Olivia nodded.

"Yeah, we do. Sorry. I just…" Olivia trailed off, thinking of the right way to phrase what she was feeling. She swore at herself, angry for not having come up with something on the way here.

"I don't know where to start Alex."

"What's on your mind?"

"You know what's on my mind."

Alex nodded but didn't respond, waiting for Olivia to continue instead. Olivia sighed when she realised Alex wasn't going to jump in.

"This. You. You let me get close but then as soon as I feel like I'm really connecting, you push me away. Lately it's been getting worse. You don't call me back, you don't text me back. Or, you text me a few days later. You're withdrawn. I can tell you've pushed me away, Alex, and that hurts. I care about you a lot and I only want you to let me in. I don't know what happened, what I did, or what I can do to make it better, but I want to try. I'm not saying I'm going anywhere, and I can give you more time if you need it, but I need to know what you want. I'm not trying to push you. I just want you to open up to me and let me in. Give me a chance."

Alex dug her nails into the palm of her hand to keep from crying. She could tell that Olivia was hurting, and she felt incredibly guilty. The truth was, it wasn't anything that Olivia was doing. It was her, Alex. She had problems, problems she hadn't yet discussed with Olivia.

She knew that Olivia needed to hear the truth, but she didn't want to talk about it. However, she knew she had to. She owed it to the brunette. Olivia was a good woman and she had been nothing but loving and patient with her. She knew she deserved the truth. She wanted Olivia. She wanted this to work. She had wanted the woman since she had first met her, but she was scared. She didn't know if she could do this.

"Alex?"

The blonde looked up at Olivia, still fighting back tears. The brunette felt the guilt pulling at her heart and she wanted to offer the blonde comfort, but she didn't dare move closer. She didn't want to invade Alex's space, so she stayed where she was.

Alex sighed heavily before swallowing hard and starting to explain.

"I have a hard time letting people in. I… I haven't had a relationship in," Alex paused, trying to remember, "over four years. You're the first person I have been unsuccessful in rejecting from my heart. I've tried to not like you, but I can't. You're too good of a person. I want to be with you… but I'm scared."

Alex bit her bottom lip, wiping away at her tears.

"What are you scared of?"

"Me. You. Us. Mostly me."

"Why?"

Alex picked at her pyjama bottom.

"I'm afraid of showing you who I really am, Liv. Once you get too close… I'm afraid you'll hate what you see."

Olivia had to suppress the urge to jump over to the other side of the couch, wrap her arms around Alex and tell her she was fantastic and that there was no way she could hate her. However, she could tell that the blonde had more to say, so instead, she sat and gave her an encouraging smile.

"I know everyone has demons. I know everyone has their personal… problems, but mine are fucked up. I'm pretty fucked up."

Alex sighed, shaking her head. She couldn't believe she was going to be talking about these things. She never told anyone her problems. The only difference was, she knew that if she really wanted Olivia and she really wanted this to work, she had to be honest.

"I was in a really bad relationship… for years. It took me even longer to work through what she did to me, and even now, she's still there. I can still hear her in my head. When we sit too close together, when you hold me, I can hear her in my head and I fucking hate it. I want to be with you, I've been trying to work past her, but just when I take a step forward, I feel like I take two steps back. I want this, but I feel like I can't have it."

"Why?"

Alex wiped her eyes before continuing.

"Because I don't deserve it. Because I'm crazy. Because of what she did. Because of what you'll have to deal with. Because you're too good for me. Because I'm scared. What if you get close to me, what if you see how I really am? What happens when you don't like what you see? This is a burden you don't deserve to carry."

Olivia wanted to jump in again, but she forced herself not to. All of her years at SVU had taught her to really read what someone said, and she knew if she asked the right questions, she would get the answers she was looking for, as well as more information. She had a sick feeling she knew which question to ask her now, but she wasn't sure she could handle the answer.

"Like she didn't?"

Alex snapped her head up at her. She had been ashamed and looking down at her knees, but as soon as Olivia asked the question, she couldn't help but to look up at her.

"What?"

"You're afraid I won't like what I'll find, just like before? With her?"

Alex's eyes welled up with tears and she couldn't fight them this time. She burst into tears, sobs racking her body.

Olivia knew that she wouldn't get much more from the blonde right now, so she moved closer to her and pulled her into her arms. She pulled the woman onto her lap, holding her tight and tucking her head under her chin. Alex didn't resist, so Olivia held one arm protectively around her and rubbed her back with the other. She held her tight as the woman continued to cry, bewildered at what she'd been told so far.

Olivia was confused and she wasn't sure what to make of the information she had been given so far. It was upsetting to her, and clearly there was a lot weighing down hard on the blonde. So, Alex's ex had told her she didn't like who she was? She didn't like her as a person? How could someone not like her? Alex was one of the best people she knew.

As Olivia stroked the woman's back, she couldn't help but feel bad about herself that Alex thought that she, Olivia, would hate her when she really got to know her. Who was this woman who had told Alex that she was less than a beautiful person? There was no way that Olivia could hate what she'd discover. The more that she got to know the blonde, the more that she fell for her. Alex was amazing.

Olivia could feel her anger start to boil at the thought that someone made Alex feel less than the amazing person she was, but she still didn't know the whole story, so she pulled herself from her thoughts and focused on the blonde in her arms.

She kissed Alex's temple and kept her lips there for several seconds. She couldn't deny it. She loved her, and she hated seeing her in this kind of anguish. She pulled away and wrapped both arms around the woman, holding her close.

Alex's sobbing had since subsided, and she was left with just the tears running down her cheeks. She buried her face in Olivia's neck, tucking her arms behind the brunette's back. She felt so safe in her arms, and she craved that comfort. She still had a million things running through her mind, and she felt horribly ashamed, but she allowed herself to accept Olivia's embrace.

Olivia held Alex tight with one arm and leaned over to grab the box of Kleenex from the coffee table. She offered one to the woman, who gave her a grateful smile. She took a few and wiped her eyes, blew her nose, and sighed heavily.

"I look like shit now." She stated, trying to insert a little humour into the conversation.

Olivia tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

"You look beautiful."

She knew she said something wrong when she felt Alex tense in her arms. The woman then slid off of her lap and moved back to where she was earlier. Olivia wanted to kick herself in the ass for making the woman go, but at the same time, it was the truth. Alex still looked just as beautiful.

"Don't, okay?"

"Don't what?"

"Just don't."

Olivia, slightly confused, just nodded.

Alex sighed and stayed quiet for a few minutes before she gathered up the strength to continue. She might as well just bare it all here and now. She'd kept it to herself long enough.

"She was the first girl I really fell in love with. I had seen other people before her, but she was the first one I was really into. Things were great you know, with her. She treated me well and I loved her."

Alex's voice lowered and she looked away from Olivia, down to her knees.

"Things changed after… I don't really remember now. It was kind of slow, subtle. She would start deciding things and I would just go along with them. Then she lost her job and moved in with me, so I got a second job to support us and pay for school. But then she complained that I was spending too much time away from her, so I had to leave school. She never got another job so I was working as much as I could to support us. I didn't know at the time that she was racking up cellphone bills under my name, calling her friends in another state. I found that out after we broke up and found out I owed my credit card company four thousand dollars.

Things started to change and she got distant- telling me she needed space, so we broke up. She moved out, but I still loved her, so we kept in touch. She told me she needed some things to change, so I changed for her. I loved her so I did what she wanted. She moved back in and things were good for a while, but then she started just… saying things that weren't very nice. Like, that she didn't really like it when I touched her. Or that she wasn't feeling in the mood to cuddle. When we'd sleep in the same bed, she'd move far away from me and would get upset if I got too close to her side of the bed. Things continued like that for a year or something, escalating, before she broke it off again. This time, we didn't talk and we were apart for months, till one day she showed back up on my doorstep crying and I took her back."

Alex shook her head.

"I'm a fucking idiot for doing it, but I still did it. When things got bad that third time, they got really bad. I was no longer allowed to touch her at all, because when I did, she'd tell me I was fucking disgusting and to get away from her. She'd tell me she hated that I had blonde hair, so I dyed it brown. But then, when it was brown, she said that looked bad too. She hated that I wore glasses but said I didn't look any better without them. She told me I wasn't smart enough for law school and that I'd never succeed at it, and because I trusted her, I believed her. I did everything I could to make her happy. She told me I laughed too much, so I'd try to laugh less. Then she'd tell me I was too serious, too sad, and that I depressed her because of it. She told me she was disgusted by me and that she didn't know what she saw in me. She said she regretted me… dating me…"

Alex had cried so much earlier that she couldn't cry anymore. She felt numb. She felt dirty. She felt ashamed and exposed. She felt angry. She was petrified of what Olivia thought of her now. She was an idiot and she knew it. She shouldn't have taken her ex back as many times as she did, she shouldn't have listened to her lies, but she did. And she was an idiot for doing so.

"Whenever I'm near you, all I can think of is what she'd say. That I'm disgusting and that I shouldn't touch people. No matter how hard I try, I can't escape her voice in my ears. I'm ashamed of what I allowed her to do to me, and I'm ashamed and embarrassed and mortified that I told you. I'm ashamed that I had to tell you. I'm scared of what you think of me. I feel so exposed in front of you now. I can just imagine what you're thinking."

Olivia had let the tears run down her face as Alex spoke, powerless to stop them. Her heart had just been torn from her chest and stomped on repeatedly, shredded at what Alex was telling her. Her first reaction was rage, and she still felt that anger, but seeing Alex so broken made her heart break.

"I've healed a lot… from her. Or I thought I had. But I hadn't tried anything since her. You're the first one and now I'm finding I'm having a really hard time because I feel torn. I want this, I want you. But I'm scared. I'm just so confused. I'm so confused."

Olivia sighed heavily, unsure of what to say or where to start. She was feeling so many things and had so many thoughts running through her mind that she didn't know what to address first. She didn't think that this was the time to address the absolute bullshit lies Alex's ex had fed to her, but God did she ever want to.

She slid over to where Alex was, moving close enough to be near her, but not quite close enough that she was touching her. She didn't want to initiate any contact in case the blonde wasn't ready for it.

"To be honest Alex, I don't even know where to start. I have a million things running through my mind and I'm feeling about fifty different emotions."

Olivia took a moment to collect her thoughts before starting.

"I guess I want to start off by saying thank you. Thank you for being honest. Thank you for sharing this with me. I know this was incredibly hard and I can't even imagine what you're going through right now. Thank you for reliving that so that I could understand. Thank you for opening up to me. We can't work, this can't work, unless we're honest with one another and we trust the other enough to be honest. Or, at the very least, take a chance and open up and be honest. You did that just now. You took a chance, and I hope I show you how great of a decision that was. I promise to do my best to not make you regret it. I really don't think I will.

I know I only heard a glimpse of everything you went through, of everything you're feeling, but if you let me, I promise to be as supportive as you need me to be. I can be what you need. I can be patient, and I can be understanding, as long as you're honest with me.

I need to address one thing though. I don't think you're disgusting, Alex. I don't think you're repulsive. I don't think it's gross, and I don't hate it when you touch me. To be frank, I love it when you touch me and I crave it. Your touches make me feel good, and they make me feel loved. No one makes me feel the way you do. The way you smile at me, the way you talk, walk, move… no one makes me stop dead in my tracks like you do.

Whatever happened in your past, we can work through together. I will listen when you need to talk, I will back off when you need space, and I will be here when you need me. I will do whatever I can to make you feel comfortable and safe, and if you need me to do something I will do it. If you need me to stop doing something, I can do that too. We can work through anything as long as you're honest with me. Nothing you say to me will disgust me or make me hate you. Nothing you say will make me change my mind about you or about how I feel about you."

Olivia brought herself closer and made Alex look at her. When their eyes met, she resumed talking.

"But let's make one thing clear Alex: I really like you. I like you a lot. Nothing you say can change that. Every new thing I learn about you, every new thing you show me, makes me fall even harder for you. I will never hate you. I will never be repulsed by the 'real you.' You are a beautiful person, Alex. And the more I get to know you, the more that statement is proven to be true. There is no one I want more than you, and nothing will change that."

Alex could no longer hold it in. She had forced herself to believe Olivia's words, because the brunette never lied to her. Olivia never lied, ever, and if Alex trusted anyone's word, it was Olivia's. So, when the brunette started talking, Alex struggled. Everything the brunette was saying went against what was going through her mind, and she had a hard time accepting what was being said. She desperately wanted to believe her, but she couldn't just yet. She was still too hurt. She craved what Olivia offered, and she hoped that she didn't fuck it up eventually.

Alex didn't try to stop the tears that flowed down her cheeks, nor did she resist when Olivia pulled her back into her arms. The brunette comforted her like no one else did or could, and she desperately wanted to be comforted. She wanted her. And she was grateful for Olivia's patience, for her protection, and the safety that she offered.

"Thank you, Olivia."

The brunette kissed her temple in response and gave her an affectionate squeeze.

"You deserve the best, Alex. You're amazing and if anyone thought any differently, they were incredibly mistaken. You're one of the best people I know, and I will spend all the time in the world to show that to you, to be with you. I like you a lot, Alex. A lot. You're an amazing person."

"Even after all that?"

"Especially after all that."

Alex pulled away and looked into Olivia's eyes. She brought her hand up to stroke the woman's cheek, feeling nothing but sheer love for the woman before her. She was torn, she was broken, but through it all, she felt Olivia's affection.

"You're the most gentle and loving person I know."

Alex leaned forward and pressed her lips to Olivia's. She gave her a slow, soft kiss, hoping that it would convey everything that she could not put into words.

"I know it'll take a lot of patience, and a lot of time, but I want this." Alex stated.

Olivia kissed her forehead and smiled.

"Then it's a good thing we have our entire lives ahead of us. I don't plan on going anywhere, Alex. I'll be here until you don't want me here anymore."

"I don't want that to happen. I don't plan on it."

"Good. Then I'm yours forever."

With that, Olivia wrapped her arms around the blonde and they sat there, on the couch, warm in each other's embrace, for the rest of the night.

Fin.

I didn't want to include this at the top, because I didn't want to blow the story.

This one is also written for my friend, who has, bit by bit, been sharing what she went through with her ex of 4 years (on and off again gf). A lot of what I wrote in this, Alex's story, is what she shared with me over the last year (the CC bills, the name calling, the rejection, the putting down, the control, the manipulation, etc). What you guys got in a couple of pages took me a year to get out of her, if not longer. It's awful, but some people actually treat their partners this way. So this is for all the survivors of abusive relationships and for all of those who are still in them. No one should be made to feel like less than the beautiful person that he or she is, especially not by someone who is supposed to love you. Everyone matters.

"Being someone else is a waste of the person you are."