I know I promised one in May, but it's been so crazy busy I haven't been able to! I'm back home now and running around like a chicken with its head cut off to different appointments, doctors, offices for paperwork, stores (dropping off resumes cuz I need a job!), visits to friends and family and just trying to settle back into life here. It will not slow down either because I have a million things to do before I head off to my new job in September! BUT! I love you guys so much I managed to squeeze this one out for you :) It's only a couple days late lol.
This one is something I've never done before: a K rating! I didn't know I was able to do that. I hope you guys enjoy this one even though there is no hot and heavy action. I re-read it three times, tweaking it, and I hope you like it. It's very much a hurt/comfort fic, so if you're looking for something happy-go-lucky, sorry. Reviews are always welcome!
I don't own these characters or anything SVU related!
Olivia's stomach dropped when she felt Alex move against her, holding her breath to see what would happen. The last time they had been cuddled like this against the couch, the blonde had sat, tense, against her for only about fifteen minutes before she pulled away and simply sat beside her. Olivia had done nothing to provoke her; Alex had simply become too overwhelmed with her thoughts and needed to move away.
However, this time instead of moving away, Alex leaned closer and rested her right hand on Olivia's left leg. Olivia let her breath out slowly, glad that Alex was still next to her. She was worried about spooking the woman, so she had been extra careful about letting Alex lead the contact. Alex had already told her she would need to take it extra slow, so she'd done her best to let the blonde make all the moves.
Olivia was enjoying the cuddling as much as she could, but she couldn't help but worry. Was Alex uncomfortable? Was she on edge? Was she okay? Was this too much? Should she ask? What was going through her mind?
"Are you doing alright?"
Alex nodded gently.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm okay, Olivia."
"Sorry."
"It's okay." She whispered.
They sat quietly for a moment before Alex started tapping her index finger on Olivia's knee. The brunette knew that this meant that she was thinking. The blonde did the same thing with her pen when she was thinking at her desk. Olivia gave her another minute before finally asking her what she was thinking about.
"I don't know… I don't want you to be so… I know you're not able to enjoy yourself because you're worried about me. I can tell by the way you keep glancing over at me and the fact that you've barely moved an inch since we sat down. You can't be comfortable when you're so tense. You should be with someone who isn't like this. You shouldn't be with someone who is so unstable… I know you can't be yourself with me right now and I hate it. I hate myself for being so fucked up that you can't even relax around me because you're so worried about doing something wrong. I don't want you to be constantly worried about how I'm doing. You should be with someone who is easy to be with."
Olivia swallowed hard. She knew that this was stemming from their talk a few days ago. Alex had told her that she would need a lot of time and patience because she was very confused. She had told her that she wasn't a relationship person and that she didn't open up easily. Olivia had reassured her and after they had talked, they had sat down to watch a movie. However, not fifteen minutes after the movie had started, Alex pulled away from the brunette and told her it was too much and that she needed her space. Olivia had offered to bring her home but Alex shook her head. She was confused, but she still wanted to be with the brunette. Halfway through the movie, she had moved her hand over to Olivia's and held it for the rest of the film. That had been enough for Olivia. She knew that gesture meant that Alex was trying and that's all that mattered.
Olivia brought herself back from her thoughts and looked at Alex.
"You are easy to be with, Alex. I want to be around you. I only worry because I don't want to scare you. I don't want to do anything to startle you, and I don't want to move too fast for you." Olivia paused. "I want to do this the right way. I want you to feel safe and I want you to be able to open up because I don't want to be with anyone else; I only want you."
Despite the fact that they were both covered by a blanket, Alex shivered against her.
"I know I have to be patient with you, Alex. As long as you're honest with me, I can do that. I can give you what you need if you let me."
The blonde played with an imaginary thread on Olivia's knee, fighting the tears in her eyes.
"I'm pretty messed up, Olivia. I don't let people get close to me. I haven't considered it in such a long time. The dates I've been on recently are only to keep up appearances… I haven't done this for real for a very long time."
Olivia nodded in understanding.
"I know, but I want to try, Alex. I really do. I don't want to pressure you, and I don't want to make you feel unsafe. You're in control of everything that happens or doesn't happen between us. You're in charge, okay? If you don't want to do something, we won't. If you want to take it slow, we will. If you need time to think, that's okay too. You're not going to scare me away, Alex. I'm going to be here no matter what you decide."
They had had this conversation before, but Olivia suspected the blonde needed to have it again. She might even need to have it again after this one too. The brunette didn't mind. She'd have it twenty more times if Alex needed to. She knew that Alex was scared and confused, and the brunette wanted to do whatever she could to help her. She just wished she knew what the blonde needed to hear. She tried her best to comfort her, and she meant what she said. She only wanted Alex to feel safe with her.
Alex sat quietly, fighting the tears, scratching at Olivia's jean covered knee. She pulled at the blanket on her lap and bit her bottom lip. A million things were running through her mind, mostly negative things about herself, but when Olivia asked her if she wanted to try, she did something she hadn't done in years: she allowed herself an ounce of hope. She bit her bottom lip harder and nodded against Olivia's bicep.
"I really do." She managed to choke out before she burst into tears.
Olivia, careful not to startle her, turned towards the blonde and pulled her closer. Alex wrapped her arms around the woman's neck and moved onto her lap. Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex's back, holding her close under the blanket. Alex cried into her neck, sobs racking her body. She was petrified of everything that would come in the future, and she wasn't even sure if she would be able to do this. She didn't know how to let someone get close to her. She had spent most of her life pushing people away, because the one time she had let someone in, they had hurt her worse than she'd ever been hurt in her life. She had vowed to never let anyone else have that kind of power over her, but Olivia had snuck into her heart despite Alex's best efforts to keep her out. The brunette was so kind, caring, thoughtful, loving, and she was everything Alex had been craving. She had tried to convince herself she didn't want her and that she didn't need her, but the truth was, Alex wanted to want her. She wanted the detective to break through her walls and love her. She tried to fight it, but it was useless.
Last time they had talked, Olivia had planted a thought in her mind, and it was that thought that had broken down the walls in her mind, the walls that would normally keep her from allowing herself to consider something like trying a relationship with Olivia. Alex had been guarded her whole life, and she very rarely let anyone get close to her. But Olivia had continually chipped away at her walls and barriers, until one day, Alex had finally broken down.
"Why?"
"Why what?" Olivia was taken aback by the sudden change in Alex. Just a moment ago they were arguing, and now Alex had dropped to near silence with her question.
"Why are you fighting this?"
"Because Alex. I know you. I know you're lying to me. I know that you want to. I know you're scared; I'm scared too. But I'll be damned if I'm going to let my fear, or your fear, get in the way. I care about you, more than you realise. I just want you to give me a chance. I want you to let me in. I'm not going to stop fighting until I get through your walls and I prove to you that this is different. We are different. You can do this if you'd just let yourself. You're not a horrible person, Alex. You're not undesirable or repulsive or anything else you think you are. You are unbelievably attractive and you are one of the best people I know. If you would just let me in, I could show you what I feel for you."
Alex had calmed down, letting the memory of Olivia's words flow through her mind. The more time she spent with Olivia, the more she revealed. She was so scared that the brunette would discover her real self and that the woman would turn her away in disgust.
She wasn't sure why Olivia wanted to be with her, because frankly, she didn't think she deserved her. The brunette would never want to be with her if she knew everything about Alex, if she knew every one of her secrets. Olivia was a good friend, and they had been getting closer and closer with each passing week, going to the movies, having dinner together, calling one another on the phone, but she couldn't help but feel petrified.
The blonde buried her face in Olivia's neck and took a deep breath, pushing the fear away long enough to enjoy the feeling of the strong arm around her lower back and the soothing hand on her back for at least a couple of minutes.
"What's going on in that pretty head of yours?"
Alex moved her head towards Olivia.
"I'm scared to let you in. I'm scared of what you'll think when you see me."
It scared Alex to be honest, but she wanted to tell her what was on her mind. She trusted Olivia to make her feel better.
Olivia pulled Alex so that she was facing her. Alex tried to avert her eyes, but the detective slid her index finger beneath her chin and waited until their eyes met.
"You're not the only one who is scared and has demons, Alex. You're not going to scare me off, no matter how dark and terrible you think they are. I know you. You are a wonderful, caring, gentle woman, and I know that we can make each other very happy if we try."
The brunette stroked Alex's cheek and smiled warmly. The blonde swallowed the knot in her throat and nodded.
"I'm sorry I'm being so emotional. I just… the way I feel about you is scary."
"Why?"
"Because it's so strong. It's been a long time since I let myself feel this way about someone. It's hard to consider this. I can't believe I am. I'm scared."
Olivia smiled.
"I know you are, but I'll be here to help you feel safe. You're not alone, Alex. I know you have been for a long time, but you're not anymore. You can depend on other people too. I hope you can learn to feel safe with me one day."
"I think I could." She whispered.
Olivia felt her lips smile wider.
"I'm glad. And I'm glad you are opening up to the idea of you and I."
Alex, feeling a smile creeping on her face, glanced away before looking back at the woman. She searched Olivia's eyes and felt such safety. Just sitting with her could bring her such comfort and peace. She felt her body relax into the woman. She smiled gently at her.
"I didn't really have much of a choice but to open up to you."
"Oh? And why is that?"
"Because you're too much of a beautiful person for me to just pass up. I know I have issues, but I want to work on them with you…I want to try with you. I want this. You scare me, but you make me feel safe. If that makes sense…"
Olivia nodded. Alex cocked her head at the sudden smile that formed on the brunette's face.
"What?"
"I just love seeing this side of you, this beautiful, gentle, fragile yet strong side of you. I'm so used to seeing you kick ass and showing the world how tough you are, which you are, but it's kind of nice to see you looking so… vulnerable but relaxed." Olivia paused. "I want to take care of you."
Olivia tucked a piece of hair behind Alex's ear before cupping the side of her cheek. The women smiled at one another. After a moment, the blonde's smile faltered slightly. She stared at Olivia intently before bringing herself closer to her face, stopping after a few inches. She tilted her head and brought herself closer, alternating between looking at the brunette's eyes and lips.
Olivia knew what was happening, but she couldn't believe it. This would be their first kiss, their first intimate contact, and she could feel her heart pumping in her chest. She didn't have time to feel nervous; all she could do was anticipate it. She gently licked her lips, unknowingly sending shivers up Alex's spine, and when their lips met, she let out a small moan of satisfaction.
Alex's lips were perfect and soft, gently gliding across her own, sending waves of arousal and pleasure down her body. She felt her stomach drop as Alex pushed her lips harder against her own and brought her hand up to cup the back of Olivia's neck. The brunette groaned against her mouth, bringing her hands to the blonde's hips and gently resting them there.
Alex traced her tongue across Olivia's lips, requesting entrance. The brunette's mouth opened and when their tongues met, Alex couldn't help the tears that fell softly on her cheeks. She had never felt so safe, so loved, so cared for. Everything felt so right in that moment, sitting on Olivia's lap, in the woman's protective embrace. She knew that Olivia would never let anything bad happen to her, and she trusted the woman to take care of her. Olivia had done nothing but protect her since the moment in which they had met, and she trusted the woman to do the same with her heart.
Alex had been waiting for years to feel such safety and security, and she couldn't help the tears of relief that fell onto her cheeks. When she finally pulled away from Olivia's lips, she rested her head on the woman's shoulder.
"Thank you for making me feel safe, Olivia."
Olivia wrapped her arms securely around Alex.
"You are always safe with me."
The blonde snuggled closer and nodded into her shoulder. She believed her and it was a welcome feeling. For the first time in a very long time, Alex felt genuinely happy.
End