A/N: It's been too long since my muse has decided to give me a Flashpoint plot bunny.

Credit goes to SYuuri for the title. Thanks, girl. :D

Disclaimer: I do not own Flashpoint or any of its characters.

#$% My Daughter Says

by The Sneezing Panda

Spike Scarlatti felt as if he had never felt true pain until he stubbed his toe on that damned coffee table that Saturday night. He bit his lip hard and shut his eyes tightly, trying desperately to breathe deeply as the searing pain bubbled up his body. With his foot clenched in his hands, he unceremoniously fell onto the couch beside Lou Young, who smirked over his beer bottle.

It was as if time had stopped and the only thing that existed in his world were himself and his throbbing toe. Spike threw his head back into the cushions and—he couldn't help it—

"Fuck."

Spike exhaled as the pain slowly subsided and he gingerly put his foot back down on the ground, as far away from the cursed edge of the table. Tentatively, he opened his eyes, blinking a couple of times before he registered two sets of eyes on him: a brown pair looking at him as if they were about to murder him; a blue pair gazing at him with wonder, with amusement.

When the pain was finally replaced by sweet relief and he remembered he was at the Braddock residence with Lou, babysitting their friend's innocent two-year-old daughter, he resisted the urge to swear again. The relief only lasted for a few moments before panic took its place.

Spike leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and stared intently, pleadingly at Maggie Braddock who was sitting on the floor with an all too familiar mischievous glint in her eyes. He couldn't seem to form the actual words; rather, he chanted "please don't repeat it" inside his head. Luckily, Lou stepped in.

"Now, Maggie, that's a very bad word and Spike didn't mean to say it," Lou broke off to glare at his friend, who nodded in agreement with Lou's explanation, "And we would really like it if you didn't repeat it. Or tell your parents."

"Would you do that?" Spike joined in hopefully, ready to get down on his knees and beg to the toddler. Maggie looked up at them for what felt like the longest five seconds of their lives before giggling at their terrified faces.

"Maggie..." Spike trailed off, sensing his impending doom.

"Please—" Lou attempted to say, but was cut off by—

"Fuck!" Maggie screeched, throwing her little hands in the air and grinning unabashedly. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!"

Spike groaned and buried his face in his hands. Lou tried, he really tried, but he broke off into heaps of laughter at the innocence of the child. Spike's head whipped up to scowl at his colleague, who scooted a little bit farther away from Spike on the couch. Spike seemed to be deep in thought as Maggie chanted the forbidden, four-letter word, only egged on further by Lou's uncontrolled cackles.

It was as if a light bulb flicked on above Spike's head. "Chocolate!" he exclaimed, which got Maggie's attention as she broke off in her screams and listened intently for Spike to go on. However, he jumped up from the couch and hurried to the front door, quickly throwing his leather jacket on and picking his car keys up from the table.

"I'll be back soon, I swear," Spike promised with one foot already out the door, "Fifteen minutes—tops!"

Lou and Maggie were left in a confused daze.

About twenty minutes later, Spike arrived back at the Braddock household with two full grocery bags. Lou, who had a giggling toddler in his arms, raised an eyebrow at the mysterious purchases. Spike grinned and kicked the door closed before hurrying over to the couch with what he deemed a "brilliant distraction".

Upon seeing Spike, Maggie's eyes lit up. As soon as she opened her mouth, both men knew what was coming before she even began to speak.

"Fuck!" Maggie squealed, clapping her hands together excitedly. Lou was torn between groaning and laughing at his friends misfortune; Spike simply drew his lips in a tight line and calmly set the bags on the table.

"Maggie," Spike began sternly, staring Maggie directly in the eyes, who hushed but continued smiling, "I will give you the contents of these bags if you don't repeat that word in front of your parents. Or at school. Or anywhere."

Maggie glanced at the plastic bags and back at Spike. When she grabbed for the bags, Spike plopped himself down on the couch and sighed contentedly.

"I should be Lead Negotiator."

Sam and Jules Braddock eagerly shuffled through the door at midnight. Jules kicked off her high heels and padded through the hall towards the light in the living room quietly, as to not disturb her sleeping girl. The sight she was met with was not what she was expecting.

Sam joined a gaping Jules at the end of the hallway. "Jules, what..." he trailed off when he noticed Spike and Lou cuddled together on the couch, asleep, and Maggie, elbow deep in chocolate cake. Maggie looked up at the noise and grinned when she saw her parents.

"Mama! Daddy!" she squealed, awaking her babysitters who watched—what seemed to happen in slow motion—with paralysing fear as the sticky two-year-old scrambled to wrap her arms around her mother.

Jules shook herself out of her shocked trance just in time to crouch down and catch Maggie by her shoulders before her daughter smeared chocolate all over her new dress.

"When did we fall asleep?" Lou whispered to Spike, not taking his eyes off of the interaction. Spike internally groaned. Sleep had sneaked up on them; their plan was to clean up and put Maggie to bed before Sam and Jules returned; no one would be the wiser.

Sam looked away from his daughter to the cowering men on the couch. "Explain," he ordered simply.

Spike and Lou shot up to their feet instantly.

"We were trying to—"

"She wouldn't stop—"

"We didn't mean to—"

"It was his idea—"

"Fuck!"

Maggie grinned devilishly from her seat on the floor at the adults who were staring at her in astonishment.

"Maggie," Spike whined, "We had a deal!"

"We're so sorry," Lou apologized quickly as he scurried to the door with Spike right behind him.

"Please don't hit me," Spike begged, tripping over himself to get to the doorway.

"See you at work!" And with that, Spike and Lou all but ran to their cars.

Jules sighed and hurried to the kitchen for some paper towels.

There was a lot of cleaning up to do.

It was a quarter past one when Sam finally managed to calm Maggie down and get her to sleep. He had tackled the task of weaning her off her sugar high whilst Jules scrubbed chocolate off of the floor, walls, and her daughter.

It was half past one when Sam joined Jules in bed. He fell onto the bed ungracefully and mumbled into his pillow, "She won't be dropping the F-bomb anytime soon."

As an afterthought, he added, "Next time, let's get Greg to babysit."

Jules smirked and rolled over to her side, her head propped up on her hand. "Do you think we should tell them Maggie heard it from you first?"