Authors Note: So a while back my dear friend and future roommate and I were talking. She was astounded by the fact that I had never attempted to write a masturbation scene. Needless to say she challenge me to do it. Seeing as the next few chapters are going to be of the angsty variety and I feel like there is a heavy lack of smut in this story. I'm sorry dear readers. I'm trying to make it up to you. I know most of you have school, I myself have another month though I will be traveling to Europe soon. I will try to update as much as possible. Thanks for following this long story.

ooo

Going back to the party had little effect on my mentality. I was floating and nothing else mattered. Not even as my romantic interest was drooling over Thor's fiance or Odin swaying over my children while his tragic wife holds the both of them. The others no longer seem to matter as I go to my worried babes.

The rest of my evening at the Odinson party is spent with Frigga and my boys. When they ran off to get a slice of cake she approached me about the earlier incident. I gave an even shorter explanation to her to which she responded:

"I knew we had a bond. You poor darling. I'll cook you dinner Sunday and we can talk." And promptly hugged me. Both far too generous gestures for my taste. When it was late enough, I dismissed myself and the boys from the others festivities. It was a school night and a work night after all. I was greeted by drunken hugs from two of the warriors three, a slight lip turn from Jane, a pat on the shoulder from Thor's father, a motherly hug and kiss on the cheek from his mother, and finally from Thor I received a soft kiss on my palm and a white scrap of paper. He mouthed when no one was looking:

"We'll talk later." I glanced at it before I was pulled away. It was an address and phone number. It only took a second to conclude who it belonged to. Though I stored it away and walked out. Fandral had decided to go along with the adventure (Oh joy.) To be honest it would be better if he hadn't or did so when he was sober. The boys crawled towards the house while I strolled not too far behind. I don't know who will crash first; Fenrir or Fandral. And Fandral was the one who wanted to continue to party. Any other night I might have cared but not tonight.

I reach the door and open it, bellowing out a low command to get ready for bed before I'm pinned to the door frame.

"Good night boys." Fandral slurs, tracing my cheek with his soft thumb. I detest his touch at the moment but accept it none the less.

"Night Prince guy!" Comes the only response. I fake a smirk. Like I had said before, one child out of two isn't bad at all.

"Have fun at the rest of the party. Don't drink too much if you have to work early again." He will have nothing of it. His breath was like a cloud of wine hitting my face. If my gag reflex wasn't in check, I would have gagged in his face.

"Oh Loki, you're so beautiful and sexy. I want you so bad. I think I'm in love." Fandral confessed while trying to grab at my ass. Whatever romantic angle he was going for with this it had failed. His eyes were brimming with lust. He tries to salvage his sexual advances with a romantic kiss. One I accept halfheartedly but... feel... nothing? It is just a pair of lips across my own. There is nothing special, nothing that gets my heart beating. It was simply just a kiss, a one that made me feel like I was kissing my father, but just a kiss none the less. He doesn't feel a thing for he has already destroyed an entire vineyard with his drinking. I push him away silently.

"Go back to the party, Lord Byron. Try not to have too much fun." His brows knit together as I turn away and go inside, slamming the door before we may speak again. Thor has ruined me once again. Sigh. Another dinner party that has devastated me in another way. I should really give up on Odinson hosted shindigs. Seeking out Thor alone is a better option anyways.

Sleipnir sits on the stairs, dressed in his horse printed pajamas. He must have dressed fast and waited for me to shake off my boyfriend. I took off my shoes before perching near him. He has a way of letting me know when he has something to say by finding the fastest and easiest way to grab my attention.

"I hate Fandral." I have heard many critique on my lovers from him but this was the most bitter. I raise one eyebrow.

"Why? Did he say something mean to you?" He shakes his head.

"No. He was mean to you. The way he looks at Thor's girlfriend in front of you and talked to her when you were away makes me angry."

"What did he say?"

"He was talking about how prettier she was than you and how Thor was a lucky guy for having her. But when he talked to his friends he was really nice to you. He said things like you were the one or something. Thor's mom wouldn't let me listen in when she caught me. I hate him though." It takes a moment to sink in. My stomach churns, so this is what people have been warning me about. Fandral is a manwhore. The sex, the compliments, gawks- they were all to get close while looking out for others. What a petty fellow. I thoroughly regret getting to know him for bland sex and false promises.

I wrap an arm around his shoulder and he rests his head on me. It is at this moment that I know he loves me like he did before his beloved father and I's fall out.

"Thank you for telling me." I mouth into those messy black locks. He smells sweet, full of youth and concern.

"Don't go out with him again, please."

"I won't." His shoulders slump in relief. I nuzzle him once more, like a mare with her foal, before breaking away for bed. We're all tired and it doesn't take long for both of the boys to fall asleep after I have tucked them in. I throw myself into my room, moving the note out of my pocket before liberating my tired frame from the heavy burden of clothing. Once I hit the bed it was lights out.

ooo

I dream of long haired Thor looking distraught as he holds what could only be a drinking horn. His electric eyes are fixed on the ground while he smells of hard liquor. I dare to reach out and touch his shoulder. He jumps and turns to strike but lightens up only slightly.

"I did not expect you to be awake this hour." Even when he whispers he is still loud. His huge palm brushes my cheek for only a moment before falling flatly to his side. Underneath the the burn of hard alcohol, he has an odd scent of freshly cut timber and spilled blood, He looks away, whimpering like a kicked puppy. I try to speak, to calm him but nothing comes out. My mouth seemingly refuses to move. Instead I touch his bearded face, caressing the prickles. Fat tears begin to form in his eyes.

"I'm sorry." He starts before pouring his heart out. He is worried about odd things; being the future king, marriage, something about my punishment, and other things that don't make sense. Dream Thor is certainly manic. Love, throwing me off a rainbow, sex, and now tears. It is too much for me to withstand.

ooo

I wake up to rain hitting my window at full force. The summer has been filled with many storms or at least since I moved here. I slumped down into bed and glanced at the clock; 04:00. Great. I have three hours until I must be awake and I'm wide awake. Fantastic. I rub my temples and begin to think about my odd dream patterns. For some reason I remember an old coworker who had what she called "Rencarnie dreams" of her past life. She believed she was Anne Frank (though she sure as hell couldn't write in a damned diary, let alone ring up a cash register on her own.) She would have dreams where she couldn't speak but she watched scenes play out before her. What am I talking about? I'm not a Norse God. Maybe I'm just losing my mind?

With that out of the way anxiety begins to gnaw away at me. I was really going to talk to the man I thought I'd never find. Five years have passed and if he didn't remember me, I wouldn't blame him. I would have forgotten him too if it weren't for the lasting mark he left in my life.

Was Thor's relationship going to end? Why did he kiss me? I hope he still doesn't view me as a brother, though that was way too affectionate for brothers (I should know, I have two and I have never kissed one of them in any way.) Oh lord that kiss. It was spine chilling, astounding, the best thing to happen to me in years, and completely soul crushing. It sealed my growing obsession with the man. Like a new drug I craved nothing else and felt the pain of withdrawals. To have him around my home, to kiss on a daily basis, and even have him in my bed once more (with or without an erection,) was all I hoped for.

It was far too plausible now; he liked men and he had a faulty broad. But there was nothing to gain from being with me. A single parent of two with enough baggage to make anyone run within sight, not to mention we are partially related through his brother. I am an old hag compared to Jane. He wouldn't want someone like me but yet it was his lips that graced mine earlier.

I huff as another hour has passed by without me realizing it. The rain was still a relentless force that made me crave a shower. I scraped up enough energy to kill more time and make it to the bathroom. The yellow tub and tiles happily greeted me as I turned on the water, waiting for it to become bearable. I collected fresh towels before testing it. It wasn't bad. So I entered and pulled the curtain behind me. With each bead of water pounding against my nude skin came physical and mental relief.

The bathroom was an odd escape I had adopted over the years. When I was upset as a child I would the door and sit in the bathtub. Growing up it became a haven for sadness and self pleasure. In an all male household we adopted a system of territory with locks on the door. No one entered each others space for fear of the consequences, though our bedrooms were fair game at night. It was a habit I kept around even when I had my own place. Again with the anti-sex clause in my relationship rules also came (no pun intended) pleasuring ones self. Nothing is more scarring for a child than walking in on a parent in the throws of passion with themselves.

Heat pooled into my lower half at the realization of my lack of pleasureful time. Fandral was fine but fine wasn't really what I wanted. Pleasure is sometimes best when you provide it yourself. I push my back against the cool wall and pushed my wet hair back. The steam was invigorating, honestly it felt like hot breath on the back of my neck and against my ear lobe. I felt a shiver creep down my spine in response to the image forming before me. The mighty oaf wrapped his thick body around me like earlier. His delightfully prickly beard rubbing up against my exposed neck. He planted heavy kisses along the most sensitive parts. My blood lit up with the fire of desire for more touches.

"Loki," He purrs while I lean against his thick form. He's strong enough to hold me up and even dares to nip at my ear. "I want you." I let out a moan at his confession. Oh god I want you too. His mighty hands rake over my chest and stomach. One thumbs a perky nipple while the other goes to the scar running down my belly. He doesn't judge it my ugly marks, even as it pulses from the sudden change from cold to hot. He gently follows it down to a strip of well trimmed public hair. He traces it, chuckling to himself before gripping my hardening member.

I must look pitifully small in his large hands but he growls in approval. I melt as his rough thumb traces the head while nipping at my neck. He grips the base with the other and slowly works it, tracing the veins. With his work he is turning me into putty.

"Oh god!" I hiss. The water hides the roughness of his palms and acts as an extra lubricant. He squeezes lightly enough not to hurt and begins to move. His strokes are relentless, the kind only a real man would give. He works with both hands, stroking in one and massaging my balls in the other. Oh god this feels amazing. All I can do is mewl nonsensical words while I buck into his hand. I'm running out of air in this hot confined space.

"You love this don't you," He groans into my ear. "Do you touch yourself to the thought of me and my hands working you over and over? My hard cock splitting you in half?" His hand dips to the spot behind my balls, gently massaging my entrance with one finger. "Do you finger yourself to the thought of me? I'm going to marry a lovely girl, you naughty little boy." I grind my teeth as a digit is inserted inside me. It burns but feels so good. He continues on with his torturous foul mouth. "Such a naughty boy but I love it."

I am bad. I am awful for wanting this but it is mind blowing. The fingering and the stroking mixed with the love bites, oh I'm in heaven. I love this. I love him.

"T-Thor!" I cry as a familiar heat coils in my stomach. It churns, I am getting closer to the edge. Thor grunts in response to his name, while crooking his finger to skim that magic spot that makes my toes curl in response.

"Say my name." His tongue traces my ear lobe. I can't- It's too much to handle. Hot tears form in my eyes.

"U-Uh Thor! Oh Thor! Thor!"

I black out. For a moment I'm floating in the aftermath of a wonderful orgasm. I slump against him, deflated by everything that had occurred but strong arms no longer prop me up. I go tumbling to the bottom of the tub. Fuck. Ow. Not good. My sore ass doesn't take that well. I look down to find my hand coated in cum and my cock deflating. Not even in my fantasies could I have my way or even make Thor stay.

ooo

Disappointment builds up when I finally make it back to where I started. I spent about twenty minutes fondling myself and twenty-five wallowing in self pity. This would feel the most pain when I had to pay my bills. I think I used up all the water in Norway but it relaxed me (in more than one way.) Enough so that when I crawl back into bed, it is only a mere moment before I find myself in a dreamless sleep.

ooo

Life falls back into the same pattern as before; breakfast, school, work, lunch. However just as Astrid, who is oddly pleasant (she must have gotten a new cat or sweater to match her old one,) tells me to go have an hour to myself, my phone buzzes. It's Fandral.

Can't com out 2 lunch. Sck. Srry.

For a poet, he certainly has a way with words. He has clearly expressed how hungover and miserable he is. I tut at the message before going into the employee break room. So I had no lunch date or lunch. No big deal. There was a dinosaur computer in the small room and no one around. When I made a habit of going hungry, I always thought of a moment with a book was feeding my mind. It's a rather clever way of focusing on something else besides your empty stomach and if someone has asked if you had eaten, you're not lying when you say yes.

But I digress, I assume they must have used in the library before updating. It takes a moment for the internet to load and even more for me to go to a search engine. When the screen flashes to google I type in the name of the man I had often searched when I had free access to the internet but this time I had a last name. There were several things that popped up having to do with a "Balder Odinson." Most of it was mythology but the first non-Norse site was a facebook account.

Within a five minute loading screen came the image of the man I had been looking for all these years posing with a replica of himself, which can only be his twin brother. He looks the same; red flaming hair, wild fire eyes, and the tattoo beckoning ones attention. His profile is open to anyone so I scan through a few photos. Most are of him and his twin or him and a group of burly men. He looked relatively happy and apparently was single. Good for him. As I manage to make it back to the previous screen with all of his information I notice he has three brothers labeled and the last one catches my eye.

One mouse click away and at snail speed I reach Thor Odinson's page. I'm greeted by his shirtless self though his abs are blocked by his harpies hands as his profile picture. It must be some vacation photo since it looks like it was taken on a tropical beach. At least he appears happy. Oddly enough his page is private. I have an old account somewhere but upon further inspection his basic information isn't hidden- and oh... I have discovered the holy grail...

Thor Odinson is in a relationship with Jane Foster and it's complicated