Sumire, Natsume and Mikan

Disclaimer: Of course I don't own Gakuen Alice :')

You idly wrap a strand of your dark hair around your finger as you watch Natsume saunter down the corridor with one hand in his pocket and the other holding the bag that is slung over his shoulder. He shrugs off the girls who try to latch themselves to him and barely even nods in acknowledgement when Ruka comes up to him and pats him on the back. You catch a glimpse of his eyes and you see pain laced in those crimson orbs.

Seeing him like that makes your heart clench.

He has been like that ever since she died.

No, you correct yourself, everyone has been like that.

Her death was so sudden that no one knew what to do, but one thing was that was sure was that everyone had taken full blow at her death. She was such an airhead and idiot, but her presence brought nothing but smiles and laughter. It was too sudden.

And you hate how you have to use past tense to talk about her.

Her death wasn't like those deaths where everyone said their last goodbyes and had last hugs and kisses, it was one of those deaths where it felt like as if something had been wrenched out of you forcefully, leaving a wound that will heal with a scar.

"Sumire-chan?" Nonoko calls and you flinch at the name. Everyone has stopped calling you 'Permy'. It was a ridiculous nickname, but somehow, it had stuck. And what's worse is that you know exactly why everyone has stopped using the nickname. It is because Mikan was the one who had been the first to call her that.

"Hm?" you answer absentmindedly as you watch Natsume turn around a corner, his lean and lanky figure making your heart beat just a little faster. You can see the vague suggestion of abs under the white shirt he is wearing. And you curse yourself for thinking about such a trivial matter right now.

"Wah, you're going to walk into the wall," Nonoko squeals and quickly grabs your arm and steers you away from the wall. Flashing her a weary grin, you nod her a thanks and continue walking. There was an awkward silence, but you didn't know what to say.

Awkward silences seems to take up most of your conversations ever since Mikan…died.

"Um, I'll be going now, my classroom's here," Nonoko says and quickly runs off, as if escaping from you. Sighing, you stop walking and rub your temples gingerly.

It seemed that you weren't taking Mikan's death too well either.

You turn into a classroom and sit down at your usual seat, the seat exactly three away from Natsume's. He is already there with his feet propped up on the table and a manga over his face.

Nothing will ever be the same and as the lesson begins, you find yourself wondering what would have taken place if Mikan were still alive.

Mikan would have taken her usual seat next to Natsume and his eyes would soften at the sight of her and you would pretend your heart didn't tighten when you saw him do that. The lesson would begin and Natsume would pretend he wasn't looking at the girl even though he made it obvious, however, being Mikan, Mikan didn't notice.

Jinno-sensei would hand out problem sheets and Mikan wouldn't get the questions and Natsume would grudgingly help her, although you knew that he knew how he liked being near Mikan, the way he liked to touch her, as if he needed to make sure she was still there. It wasn't the touch in the lovers kind of way, but just the casual hand on her shoulder or his arm bumping into hers.

Then, Jinno-sensei would pick on Mikan because she was bad at Maths and Natsume would throw balls of paper with the answer written on them to her and then she would still accidentally say the wrong number and score herself a detention.

Then, Maths class would end with a detention and Natsume would always wait outside for her. You would duck around the corner and watch him from afar. You would admire just how beautiful he is leaned against the windowsill and feel a wave of hopelessness wash over you when you saw the way a half-smile played on his lips when Mikan came out.

It was the smile, the demented smile, as Mikan would describe it, that Natsume only showed to one person.

And it was her, your best friend, Mikan.

You would then watch him make a snide comment about Jinno and she would laugh, a sound you loved yet hated so much. Then, they would make their way to the cafeteria to join with Ruka and Hotaru. You hated the way Natsume would automatically take his place next to Mikan after collecting his food and she would look up and smile at him. It was as if it was the most natural thing.

It just reminded you of how although you were all friends, you would never have the bond that she shared with him.

Then, you would endure another few lessons with the two, watching them work together on problems and Natsume flicking her forehead when she got questions wrong, a gesture that you so wished he would do to you. No, that was too much, you wished for a much simpler thing.

For him to look at you.

Just one glance, but he never did, and never will.

However, that was what would have happened on another ordinary day if Mikan had lived.

Which she didn't.

So you escape into the past.

You remember those times when boys older than her teased her. Mikan had thought it was bullying, however you had thought otherwise.

You were sure that it was because they liked her and that thought made your heart wrench with jealousy. You knew it was horrible of you to be jealous of your best friend, and you tried to suppress that horrible feeling, but sometimes, just sometimes, it would escape out of her grasp and burst to the surface.

The boys would sometimes tug her hair or swipe her homework off of her desk so that she would have to spend a painstaking ten minutes gathering all the sheets didn't know any of this and the boys were always careful to play these pranks on Mikan when he wasn't around, as everyone knew what would happen to them if Natsume found out. However, there was one time when the boys insulted her father and you were with her at that time.

They probably didn't mean any harm, as knowledge about her father was limited to within only a few people, but the harm had been done. Mikan's eyes widened and her face turned red, not the red from embarrassment, but the red just before she cries.

It was strange, because you could tell she was going to cry, however, before you could tell them to leave her alone, a dark blur whipped past you and one of the older boys jerked back, as if he'd been punched.

And then you realised that he had been punched, by a furious Natsume. It was the first time you had seen him so furious. The closest you had seen him to being angry was when he was in a foul mood.

You thought he was scary then, but that was nothing compared to what you witnessed now.

His red eyes were blazing red with fury and his expression so dark. Malice poured from him and never had you thought he looked so frightening. It was obvious he was holding his anger in check by the clench of his fist and jaw. Natsume landed another punch on the guy's cheek before they got the message and scrambled away, begging for forgiveness as they ran. He then pulled Mikan to him in one smooth and gentle sweep of his arm and placed her head on his shoulder where her tears stained his white shirt.

You saw that if you stayed, you would just be a burden, so you left, however, you couldn't help but cast one last glance back at the two and your heart skipped a beat.

Natsume stood with his head bent over Mikan, murmuring words into her ear in a low voice. Mikan nodded meekly and buried herself further into his shirt, her small frame shaking with her sobs.

You had never seen anything so beautiful and it hurt so much to see that you weren't the girl with Natsume's arms around you.

Sometimes, you wondered why he chose her over you. Why he chose Mikan over everyone. You really did wonder sometimes why he didn't choose you. You were beautiful and was one of the most popular girls in the school.

However, deep inside, you knew the answer.

Mikan was everything you weren't. She wasn't the stunning kind of beautiful, but more of the natural kind. Her loud voice in the morning brought everyone's spirits up and somehow, she had the knack of making a person laugh no matter how low in spirits they had been before.

She was a girl loved by everyone.

And you could understand why Natsume would like her, but still, the reality pained you greatly.

"Shouda-san," a gruff voice called, jerking you back to reality.

"Y-Yes?" you answer, hoping that you sounded like you were paying attention. You couldn't daze off like this in class, you knew you couldn't loose yourself in the past nor in the future.

But you couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if Mikan had lived. Not in the near future, but in the future future.

You think that they would have married and had a baby boy and girl. They would have been one of those perfect families you saw only in dramas.

It would have been a fairytale ending, if only she was still alive.

If only.

You sit down when the teacher dismisses you and you find yourself looking Natsume's way. His expression was guarded and his eyes unreadable.

You don't like him this way, you like it better when Mikan was still here, his expression had been less ferocious, gentler.

Suddenly, you feel a tap on your shoulder and you flicker your eyes to your right to see Anna leaning over to whisper something you your ear.

"Do you want to stop by my house after school with the rest off our group? You know, our group has been kind of apart these days, I just thought it would do us some good to get together. I-Is it a bad idea?" She looked so disappointed that you quickly reassured her and confirmed that you were going to go.

However, it was a bad idea. Somehow, they had convinced Natsume to come too, and now, he was standing a little apart from the crowd with his arms crossed and his expression the same as usual. You couldn't face him, not after what you had felt when your mother had told you that Mikan had died.

You had felt hope, hope that maybe, just maybe, Natsume could look at you for once. Look at you and feel something. He had never battered an eyelid at you when Mikan was with him and now that she was gone, you thought maybe.

Maybe.

But then you remembered the way Natsume never even glanced at the beautiful girls around him, and had rejected all confessions, no matter how pretty and charming they were.

His eyes were set on Mikan, and you realised that you couldn't win. You couldn't win then and you couldn't win now.

Nothing had changed since back then. And with that realisation, you stopped looking at him longingly or admiring his features when he couldn't see you.

But the fact that you had felt hope still hadn't changed. And that feeling would haunt you forever.

"Hey hey, let's play truth or dare! I remember how we used to play that at Koko's house!" Anna pipes, snapping you back again. You bite your lip, you seem to be drifting away a lot these days. You settle down next to Nonoko and wait for the pen to stop spinning. It lands on Koko and you hear Anna ask him a shy question with a giggle.

You don't hear what the question is and you don't bother listening to the answer. You are going to escape to the past, just one more time. And then you'll stop, you'll stop for good. You promise yourself that.

You remember the time when they did exactly as Anna has said; when they were little, they had gone to Koko's house and stayed up all night telling ghost stories, shining the torchlight on their faces to make themselves seem scarier. Mikan, being the scardey-cat, had always brought a pillow with her and hugged it whenever stories got the slightest bit scarier. Whenever she cried for them to stop, you always caught Natsume looking at her, his expression pensive, and then he would grab the torch from Mochu and snap it shut. He would say that it was because he was going to sleep, but you knew better.

You knew that it was because of Mikan, and that made the jealousy throb in your coursed through you, like a disease, making you hate her.

Yet you loved her too.

"Sumire, Sumire!"

You feel someone shaking you, wrenching you back to the dark room that their group was huddled in. It felt like the hundredth time you had been called back to reality.

"I'm sorry, what were you saying?" you say quickly and scan the expression on everyone's faces.

It was mainly a worry you saw.

"What?" you snap, slightly annoyed. You didn't like others looking at you like that.

"Are you all right Sumire-chan?" Nonoko asked tentatively. Sighing, you get up, your mind set.

"I will be all right when I talk to Natsume, alone."

They look surprised, but then a knowing look passes along them, a knowing look laced with disappointment.

They knew you were going to tell Natsume you feelings, properly, but they probably thought you were going to tell him now because Mikan was gone. That was what you had thought a while ago, but you were different now. You were going to tell him and then end it all, end your alternating trips into the future and past, end your obsession with him.

End everything to do with him and start anew.

You walk out of the room, clenching your hands so you do not decide that what you are going to do is a bad idea. He joins you in after a while outside and you two stand silently for a while. Then, you open your mouth and the words stream out.

Your head is clear and you know exactly why you are saying this, knowing that you will be rejected. He listens to you silently, and then when you stop rambling, he takes a breath and says his final verdict.

"I'm sorry."

You feel tears in your eyes, but it is strange as you don't feel sad. You had known it all along, but your pride hadn't let you accept it.

The simple fact that for Mikan, it has to be Natsume, and for Natsume, it has to be Mikan.

Nothing's changed since back then and nothing will.

And that's why you are going to end it, end it for good.

That's it!

:')

March 6th 2013

(Also, for readers of my other stories, I'm very sorry, but I'm trying to work on them while juggling assignments! I am very sorry for my hiatus and I will do my best to update T-T)