Finn,

How could you? How could you do this to me?

Everything's ruined now. Spring is here, and I took my usual route, to my usual bench in the park. I had my usual cup of coffee, and I opened the envelope like always, and… all the colour went out of the world.

It won't come back.

Not ever.

Are they supposed to do it in a letter? Isn't some padre and, like, a sergeant or something, supposed to come to the door and break the news in person? Since when do they just send a letter?

I was still sitting there, wondering who put the sun out, when Toothless Joe sat down beside me.

Only, he's not toothless anymore. Turns out, he was a successful banker or broker or something before the recession, and Matt hooked him up with a job that has dental.

I found that out later, because just like my first day in New York, he didn't say anything.

One look at my face, and he knew he didn't have to.

I just needed someone near me.

Because you…

Because…

I hate you so much right now.

I hate the flowers for dying this past winter, and the sun for leaving us at night. I hate the tears covering these pages, and I hate that I can't tell you I hate you. I hate God for giving you to me in the first place.

I hate that you're the only one who knows that Funny Girl isn't really my favourite movie, that it's actually Cutting Edge 3, Going for Gold.

I hate that your freckles used to bounce when you laughed, and that you laughed more than anyone I've ever known.

I hate that you saw the best in all of us before we knew we had a best to strive for.

I hate that I can't listen to music anymore, because every song reminds me of you.

I hate that I love you so much.

I'll keep coming back here. To this bench. Where I scratched out the name 'Ryan', and left only 'Finchel'. And maybe one day it will feel like it did. Maybe one day I'll be able to sit here, and see the mothers pushing their babies in their fancy New York strollers, the high school kids more dancing than walking with their iPods in their ears, the rollerbladers convinced they're actually exercising and not just rolling on to their next disappointment.

Maybe one day I'll see all that, instead of picturing the pure white of the blast, and feeling it's hellfire heat, and the shrapnel as it ripped through your body and tore you out of my life forever.

Maybe one day.

Your mom asked me to sing at the service. I told her I'd think about it. What would I even sing? This isn't like that weekend before my first class. This isn't a freak-out. All the songs are gone.

The music died with you.

Kurt's doing okay. Quinn less so. Santana's tried to call 10 times, and hasn't managed to get a word out yet, she was crying too much. Even Tina managed to say more. They're all going to be there. Mr. Schu needs us there, I think. He won't get through it without us.

You were like a son to him.

As for me…?

I'll go on.

For you.

Always for you.

I'll try to find the music again. I'll try to be the person you always wanted me to be. I'll try to bury the regret, and stop cursing myself for ever getting on that train. I won't let my life be a progress of shadows. You wouldn't want that.

And, most of all, I'll live the rest of my life knowing that I had love. And it was pure, and real, and sweet, and more than I could have ever hoped for. I'll know that there was someone out there who cared enough to fight the darkness in this world for me.

I'll keep your ring on a chain, next to my heart, and remember forever the words that made me say yes to you in the first place… I just can't stop loving you.

I can't, and I won't.

You are all of me. The best of me.

Until the stars die, and we meet again…

Rachel.