Actually, it was up there on worst things Pepper had caught him doing. She never needed to see Tony Stark dangling upside down in midair against a transparent, blue electrical film, Steve Rogers on the bed behind him and tickling as Tony tried not to break his back, get away from the torture, and refrain from kicking Steve.

"Ms. Potts!" Steve snapped to attention, blushing furiously as Tony slid down the side of the force field.

"No! No, Pepper, don't push the-NO!" Tony fell fully onto his face as the blue film disappeared, groaning into the carpet. "That was just mean." Tony whined into the floor. Pepper tried to contain her snigger as she took her hand away from the key pad JARVIS displayed to release the force field.

"Hello, Steve. Tony, we need to talk about some things concerning the company."

He groaned, shaking his head, not moving a muscle to get up off the floor.

"Yes, Tony. ...Look, Justin Hammer is making inroads to making a very big fuss for SHIELD and the Avengers. We can head it off now, or you can all get crucified later."

Tony's head shot up so fast she got whiplash. "What the fuck has that little shit been saying now?" Calculating black-brown eyes narrowed, and Pepper fought and lost against her smile.

"Tony!" Steve admonished from the bed, and Pepper actually had to swallow down a laugh. "I'm-"

"Steve, don't worry about it." She waved her hand as if erasing it, "He's making a call to arms about the destruction caused by the attack on New York, with you as the main attraction. Something about culpability and how the company and now the Avengers aren't being accountable for their actions." Tony slowly turned his head to look at her, still sprawled over his white carpet, and Pepper shook her head once with a shrug specifically designed to communicate "it's Justin fucking Hammer, what do you expect?"

"Steve, the reason why Hammer doesn't need to be held accountable for anything like dealing under the table-"

"-which Tony put a stop to in Stark-"

"-or the number of American troops Hammer equipment has killed-"

"- 'cause Stark's were stolen or put up on the black market, which Tony also put a stop to-"

"-is because Hammer equipment is the worst that has ever been manufactured. I've seen jury-rigged paintball guns that would be more effective in a warzone than Hammer tech could ever hope to be." Tony put his head back down and slowly rolled over onto his back, staring up at the ceiling in thought, "What's his angle?"

"Senator...Senator ass-clown," Pepper went with the name Tony would actually remember and simply didn't give a damn about it, "is making a case that the deficit caused by the Avengers far outweighs the good you do-"

"Oh, okay, we'll just let Loki take over the world." Tony groaned, thunking his head back against the floor and throwing his hands up in frustration.

"He also wants to get Natasha and Clint brought up as war criminals; he wants Bruce locked up; and he wants Steve in a lab. I don't have to tell you what he wants with your suit."

"Nothing about Thor?"

"I don't think he's willing to admit that Thor exists."

"Tell me there is some form of twisted-ass logic behind that…"

"Admitting interest or admitting he's real would mean admitting he's a god," Tony barked a laugh, "and he's not willing to sway on the one-god stance."

Steve's brow wrinkled, and it was the exact same frown on his young face as it had been on his older one, "I don't understand. This Hammer character is a weapon's manufacturer?"

"If I may, Mr. Stark?" Tony waved his allowance, "Hammer is a quack and a fraud to the extent that, briefly, Tony was entertaining the idea of returning to weapons manufacturing solely to save the lives that the faulty Hammer equipment were costing." Steve looked suitably taken aback, and Tony looked almost pleased of this definition of Justin Hammer.

"And he's trying to say that we're...detrimental?" Steve asked, thoroughly aghast.

"Does Hammer not remember the Expo incident?" Tony piped up from the floor. "I mean, yeah, it was Manhattan that got damaged in the Loki fiasco, but he cost billions in property damage. And he nearly had me killed!"

Pepper's lips twitched, "He had military backing, though, remember? And political backing. SHIELD's shady enough to keep up all the spy games and the back-door entrances, but they can't do PR for shit." Tony laughed softly at his once-unshakable Pepper Potts this shaken up.

"So I take it that Natasha showed you what you needed to see?"

Pepper turned an undignified shade of red, her eyes narrowing, "Rhodey's on his way. I'd suggest you at least have actual pants on. This is not Spring Break '87."

Tony snorted, his laugh carrying as she walked back out of her former-boss's room. Steve peered over the bed, looking puzzled, and Tony just smiled, shrugging, "Manned or un-manned…"

"Will you stop worrying about Captain Spandex and Iron Baby?" Clint hissed, brows drawn together in something dangerously close to a pout.

"I'm sorry, but I don't want Captain America going to jail for having underage sex with playboy Tony Stark. The paperwork would be a nightmare." Coulson retorted smoothly, not really paying attention to the sandwich he was eating to go beyond that it wasn't toxic and that it tasted rather good.

"I cut your crusts off in a heart shape for fuck's sake, Phil, the least you could do is look at me exasperatedly and roll your eyes! Hell, Natasha would at least threaten to shoot me!"

"It's sad that that's your concept of being loved."

"It's when she threatens to shoot you and doesn't that you know you've won her heart." Clint replied primly, his hands fidgeting with his paper napkin for the umpteenth time.

It was the nervous twitch that finally got Phil to peel his eyes away from the Stark-Rogers bedroom, "Spill."

"What, no foreplay? No taunting and toying with me until I'm a mess with juicy little nothings to whisper into your ear? No-"

"Phil, forgive me, but that was more of your sex life than I ever wanted to hear…" Bruce told them bluntly, appearing from his position lounged over the couch in the living room they were bordering.

"That was nothing resembling my sex life, Dr. Banner." Phil assured smoothly. Clint's deepening frown was what absolutely confirmed that, and that was still more information than Bruce ever need know.

"I'll be in my lab."

"Have fun, try not to blow anything up." Clint replied on a reflex, and Bruce shot him a look that clearly read "Bruce, not Tony".

Phil's eyebrow was arched just slightly, and it was enough of a facial expression that Clint knew he wasn't getting out of telling Phil everything. Clint folded his napkin, looking nervously up at Coulson through his lashes, "I never went to high school...barely went to school. I don't even remember-"

"Clint, you designed and programmed an arrow that would've taken the helicarrier out of the air. You aren't nearly as stupid as you give yourself credit for."

Clint snorted, rolling his eyes and shaking his head as he laughed, leaning over and pulling Phil over to kiss him slowly. "Between Banner, Stark, and Rogers...fuck, I don't even want to think about you and Tash...I'm just…"

"Clint, enough. You live with two geniuses, a government agent with five doctorates and a masters, the world's most tactically brilliant love-sick idiot, and Natasha Romanoff. You still pulled off The Great Panty Depression and successfully pinned it on me." Tony told him, frowning massively as he walked up to the table and was the shortest one there.

Clint couldn't help his smirk, Steve and Coulson both glowering at him. "Hey, it was mostly Tony's fault he got blamed. He was the one that noticed, so he got Steve and his undies back first."

Steve shot an appreciative look over at Tony, and Coulson scowled at his lover appropriately for letting a teammate take the fall.

"Besides, we'll protect you, Barton." Tony smirked.

Steve and Coulson turned to Tony, both of their eyes wide, "You're going to be attending?" Peter asked from his perch on the ceiling. Steve and Coulson flinched a little, Tony and Clint looking at them both as if they'd gone mad.

"Yes. I'm not leaving my team mates." Steve pulled him close, and Phil had to hide the pride in his eyes. Clint nodded respectfully, Peter slowly extending himself upside-down from the ceiling by a web, his insane hair almost brushing the table. "I hope you intend on cleaning this up."

Peter nodded solemnly, the very picture of maturity and responsibility. Tony didn't buy it for a millisecond, but he let that go. Tony leaned into Steve's side lightly, his mouth pulling down into a frown. He had work he had to do: and no one was going to like that he was going to be doing it.

"Pete, why don't I show you the lab?" Tony walked over to the coffemaker, pouring himself a cup before flashing an oh-so-fake smile at Peter. Steve opened his mouth, "C'mon, kid, I haven't had a good geek-out since Bruce and I started watching Doctor Who." Tony had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep himself from inviting Steve with them. He couldn't do what he needed to do if Steve were watching, and Peter was enough of a risk for telling him anyway. Steve looked down, disappointed, and Tony felt like a villain.

Peter looked at him pointedly from across the elevator as they rode down to Tony's workshop, "What am I hiding, and who am I hiding it from?"

Tony smiled slowly, shaking his head in appreciation for having already been caught, "I have to design a suit for mini-me. If it comes down to it, I'm not going to be left behind."

Peter frowned, "I can't promise you I will be able to withstand questioning by Captain America-even the miniature Captain America-but I can promise to try."

Tony grinned, wolfish and the same on his young face as it was on his older one, "No worries. I wouldn't stand up when faced with Cap, either, but that's mostly because he knows where I'm ticklish and could bribe me with sex."

Peter snorted, "You're sleeping with Captain America-"

Tony smiled at him, shaking his head, "No, kid: I'm sleeping with Steve Rogers. Now, Captain America is a part of Steve like Iron Man is a part of me, but the thing to remember most here is: Steve isn't Cap, and Cap isn't Steve. They aren't mutually inclusive or exclusive of each other: Steve Rogers is a man that's fallen in love with someone who Captain America wouldn't give the time of day to."

Peter frowned, hopping up on a stool as Tony walked around to the workbench, "You're not nearly as...depraved...as you think you are. You're not evil, Tony."

"You're a sweet kid." Tony told him lightly, fingers beginning to play over the holograms. "What's your back-story? What's with the super-heroing?"

"I was bitten by a radioactive spider, and it gave me...abilities. My...My parents died when I was very young. My Aunt May and Uncle Ben took me in. Uncle Ben died not long after I got my powers...Aunt May died of a broken heart not long after." Tony's movements slowed, his eyes glassy.

"Peter...It's a madhouse around here, so I'll get it if you don't want to, but there's a place for you here, any time you need it. You're one of us now: you'll be one of us forever." There was the sound of buckling metal and dry wall, and Clint fell onto the workbench between them with a pitiful groan. Coughing and waving dust and debris out of the air, Tony looked over at Peter with a devilish grin, "Welcome to the family."

Peter shrugged, grinning back, "Meh. At least I'm adopted."

A/N: I am so unbelievably sorry that this is taking so long, I've got five hundred ideas on the go, and my brain is a bag full of cats and laser pointers at the moment. Chaos rules. Thank you all so, so much for your support, I hope to be getting my ass in gear a little better, so there's less of a wait. TTFN, lovelies.