I don't know why I do this to myself…or you all. It's probably because I'm in a bit of a bad mood from the news I got from my doctor today. Know what I decided? Cancer sucks. Like, big time. It's probably not going to be fatal, since we caught it quickly, but damn it, I don't want to have another thing wrong with my body! If you've been following my stories lately, and you've read the notes (Or we've been chatting) you'll probably find a lot of hospital mentions. That's where I've been for the past week and a half, trying to figure out why my body is going batty. Well, ask and you shall receive right? Just found out about two hours ago. So what do I do first? I throw something at my nurse and yell at him to give my computer back and then cry. Not a great moment for me. But he was really nice about it and gave it to me, and I wrote this little angst fest in about a forty-five minutes. I'm reallyreallyreally sorry it's so depressing, but oh my gosh, this song explains Loki so perfectly that I couldn't help it. And as for fanfiction, don't worry, I will keep writing. My body can do whatever the heck it wants. To use a phrase of Fury's, As long as the world hasn't ended, I intend to act like it will keep spinning.

Written to "Underneath" by Adam Lambert. Please listen while reading. It gives it more depth.

Disclaimer: Do not own Marvel. I wish I owned Loki. ;)

I'll learn to love these days. I have always learned to love the pain.

Strip away the flesh and bone
Look beyond the lies you've known
Everybody wants to talk about a freak
No one wants to dig that deep
Let me take you underneath

The pain was not from the crack of any whips across his back, or the venom of snakes poured into his wounds as they would do if he were in Asgard. It wasn't from the electricity shooting through him at such a high voltage it would have killed anyone else instantly, nor the needles that pumped him full of leaden tranquilizers that he could break through with ease. It wasn't the human men who defiled his body again and again, laughing at his tranquil expression as they took their pleasure, saying "I thought only women could be frigid!"

Loki smiled as another volt was sent through his body, but he didn't feel it. He was a God, what could these mortals do that hadn't been dealt with a thousand times the severity in Asgard or Hel? Heh, frigid. He amused himself. What Frost Giant wasn't colder than ice?

Baby, better watch your step
Never mind what's on the left
You're gonna see things you might not wanna see
It's still not that easy for me underneath

He closed his eyes, relishing in the frustration the scientists as they couldn't find a way to break him and give them information. And they never would. That was the beauty of it all…

He was already broken.

That's where the pain was.

A red river of screams
Underneath
Tears in my eyes
Underneath
Stars in my black and blue sky
And underneath
Under my skin
Underneath the depths of my sin
Look at me
Now do you see?

He wondered what it was about the people he knew—Gods and mortals alike—that didn't allow them to see him. Really see him. They said he was the God of Mischief and Lies, but honestly, did they not understand the nature of lies? They used them every day, they told them to each other and themselves, so how could they not see? At the very base of a lie, was a fear; an insecurity, something that poisoned you so permanently and rotted the flesh of the deepest part of your core so easily that you couldn't help but try and run from it. Try and deny it. Lies were such a heady drug, better than anything of the earth, because oh the ecstasy one could feel as they poured just a little more balm on that decayed piece of their insides. It was like using a medicine that would kill you eventually, but it keeps you alive for the time being, and the momentary release is better than anything else in this universe or any other.

So didn't it make just absolute sense that the God of Lies' life was rooted in fear? Logic. Pure and simple logic. Ah, but there lies the problem. He had always been among the few that even cared remotely about learning and knowledge and the magic that lay in the musty tomes that were so rarely opened in Asgard. If there was one thing Loki liked about the humans, it was that at least they had a little better understanding of the importance of knowledge.

Welcome to my world of truth
I don't wanna hide any part of me from you
I'm standing here with no apologies
Such a beautiful release
You inside of me

The reason they couldn't see his fear, was because it went too far back for them to know. It was before his existence came about. That would confuse anyone who didn't read the texts…which was mostly everyone. The fear was valid and real, because his life was cyclical. He had found spells to return memories of past lives; past reincarnations. And what he found horrified him every single time.

There was no other way.

In every life, in every world, in everything, Thor was the hero…and Loki was the villain. Every time he could pinpoint the moment his heart broke, and every single time his actions led to where he was now. This dark, deep place within himself that smelled of death and rotting and ran red with slickened blood that was tainted, so tainted, with lies. When he learned this, he had run to the library, searching history and magic and prophecy and anything he could that might tell him how to end the madness. How to be something he desperately wanted to be. Real.

A red river of screams
Underneath
Tears in my eyes
Underneath
Stars in my black and blue sky
And underneath
Under my skin
Underneath the depths of my sin
Look at me
Now do you see?
Underneath...

There was nothing that gave him hope: no words or images in the scrolls that even hinted at any glimmer of redemption. It was that moment—four lifetimes ago and thousands of years—that there was nothing left to break. It was all already gone.

So as the scientists tried in vain to get a reaction, he just smiled and let out the occasional scream to make them think they were getting somewhere. If he got bored of laying here contemplating meaningless existence, he would snap the restraints and walk out. He wouldn't even kill any of the doctors or scientists, because he and they were nearly the same. They hurt and they wounded because they were hurt and wounded. The only difference was that Loki couldn't feel the hurts and wounds anymore. The numbness was inescapable.

He put on a good performance: he raged and threw little hissy fits and tried to take over this or that world that would never bring him happiness, because really, what is there to do when you can't feel yourself? When you talk and it doesn't connect with your mind. The words come out, but you can't feel yourself make them. Silver-tongued…that was an apt description. Silver couldn't speak for itself. It just shimmered and gleamed and gave the pretense of cold fire. When in reality, there was no fire at all. Just cold. There was no freedom from it.

Look at me
Do you see?

Freedom: he loved that word so much. It was the ultimate lie he could tell himself. The fastest way to destroy himself. That he would be free, that he could keep trying to break the cycle, was his inspiration and his craving. With each time he failed, he could console himself…It's alright. Just get it right next time.

But even a god of lies cannot tell a lie like that and convince himself. If he could, perhaps the cycle truly would be broken. So he'd get better at lying and try again. Always trying again.

Because there was no other way.

Because the lies were his fear, his fear fueled his lies and…

The cycle would continue.

Welcome to my world of truth
I don't wanna hide any part of me from you

Finis

Read and Review. I feel so bad right now that I even posted this, but I hope you didn't mind. You all are the best, and I have some gift-fics to dole out tomorrow, so keep your eyes open for them. I promise they will be much happier.