Again a reminder: Incest between minors, rape, abuse, and a LOT of dialogue. No, seriously, I could give Anne Rice a run for her money with this chapter…

start chapter three

section l

Lily returned from the bathroom a few minutes past six, toweling her hair dry and swinging her hips a little to some music only she could hear. She slipped into her pajamas, tossed the towel into the clothes hamper, and jogged downstairs to the living room to get something warm to drink.

At the foot of the stairs she paused. Sirius was back, lounging on the sofa with practiced ease, his brother asleep in his lap. For a minute she just stared at them with interest. Sirius stroked Regulus's back and face in an almost worried manner. He knotted his fingers in Regulus's hair and leaned down briefly to kiss his forehead, softly and sweetly. Regulus didn't move. Sirius sighed and closed his eyes.

"Hey, Sirius, you're back early. James said you might not be coming home tonight at all. How'd the meeting with Dumbledore go?"

Sirius looked up and opened his eyes. "Where is James?"

Lily pointed up the stairs. "Asleep in his room. Still isn't feeling too well." She walked into the kitchen and began rummaging around for a mug. "Do you want anything to drink? I was thinking of making some hot tang."

"Hot? Yeah, I'll have some," Sirius called back to her.

"How about Reggie? I mean, is he asleep or unconscious?"

Lily heard Sirius laugh quietly. She grimaced as she slowly heated the water with a little wandless magic.

"Nah, none for him, he's out cold."

Lily brought two steaming mugs into the living room. She handed one to Sirius and, clutching the other to her chest, sat down in the chair by the fire, facing Sirius.

"Oh my god, what happened?" she asked with worry.

"Well, since you asked, the meeting itself went fine, actually."

"Oh, well, I'm glad," Lily said slowly. She leaned forward and set her drink on the coffee table. Her brow was knitted with concern. "Your brother had some useful information for the order, then?"

"Yes, actually," answered Sirius. One hand held his mug, the other was again playing with Regulus's hair, tugging at the soft, black strands. "Pretty routine stuff. Names, likely assignments, stuff like that. Some of it was actually kinda' useful." Sirius patted Regulus's forehead. "I'm proud of him, and Dumbledore's ecstatic that we've got him on our side now."

"He's a godsend!" Lily insisted.

"Yeah, yeah," said Sirius. He leaned forward and placed his mug next to Lily's. With his hand no longer on his brother's forehead, Lily could see a strong, dark bruise along the side of Regulus's face, running from his cheekbone to his hairline.

"Hey, what happened to him, Sirius?" Lily leaned forward and pointed at Regulus.

Sirius looked down at his brother's face. He sighed a little, then rearranged himself so he was laying full out on the sofa, Regulus sprawled out next to him.

"We had a bit of a disagreement, actually, Lils."

"Uh, what did he do, Sirius?" asked Lily cautiously. She was thinking she might already have a good idea.

Sirius smirked. "He was just a little cheeky is all. Snarky bastard."

Regulus shuffled around a bit, groaning. Suddenly Sirius seemed to stiffen, and his voice altered ever so slightly.

"I mean, he'll wake up soon, right?" he asked.

Lily got down on the floor and crawled over to the sofa. She kneeled in front of Sirius and his brother, face full of worry. "What do you mean?" she asked quietly. She reached over Sirius's lap and gently took Regulus's head in her hands, examining him as best she could. "How long's he been out?"

She locked her eyes with Sirius's and was pleased to see that he looked a little uncomfortable or guilty maybe.

"I don't know, a while."

"Sirius!"

"I'm sure he'll be fine! He'll wake up any second now, look, he's stirring," Sirius nodded down at Regulus, who was now fidgeting. Lily gently let go of him and he buried his face in Sirius's side, almost on instinct.

Lily rocked back onto her heels. Regulus was blinking a little now. He seemed to be coming out of it. "Sirius you have got to be gentler," Lily insisted. "Really, Sirius, you seriously hurt him."

Regulus was sitting up now, and mumbling a little.

"Lily?" he asked, peering at her through half closed eyes.

"Yeah, honey, it's me. You feeling better? Do you want anything to drink or to eat?"

Regulus was clutching his head in his hands, moaning quietly. "Can I sleep?" he asked.

"Go to my room," Sirius said abruptly. Regulus started and stared at his brother with shocked eyes, as if he had only just noticed Sirius was lying right next to him.

"Go sleep in my room, Regulus. Get up, you're fine."

Regulus skittered off the couch, stumbling a little. He walked slowly up the stairs, one hand holding his stomach, the other massaging his sore head.

"Oh, and Regulus, everything I said still goes," Sirius called after him. A light thump told him Regulus had stumbled on the steps when he heard Sirius yelling to him.

Lily slowly stood up. Sirius thought she was going to leave, but instead she just stood there, staring at him. Sirius looked back at her in confusion. "What?"

"Sit up and slide over, Sirius."

Sirius obliged and Lily sat down next to him. "I was hoping we could talk for a while. I mean, I can make us something more to drink or something to eat and—"

Sirius smiled. "And you're wanting to keep me down here all night so Regulus can be away from me."

"He needs to rest, Sirius. For god's sake, he gets so little sleep as it is!"

Sirius laughed out loud in a manner so reminiscent of a bark that Lily flinched. "Well," he admitted, after calming down. "I guess that's true."

"Sirius, I just don't understand," Lily pleaded, grabbing his wrist with both her hands. "Why are you so different when you're around your brother? You're usually such a nice person. What changes? I mean, this whole dynamic that you have going on with him. Is this all some sick form of revenge on your family?" she shook her head in disbelief. "Did Regulus everwrong you in any way?"

Sirius seemed to sober up a bit, and dropped his carefree demeanor. "No," he said simply. His face developed a thoughtful expression. "He's always been a sweetheart."

"This is none of my business, I know, but how long have you and your brother been, you know, together?"

Sirius didn't hesitate. "Always," he responded and Lily stood up. She took both their cups into the kitchen. She busied herself making them new drinks, and sifted around through the cupboards for something to eat because this sounded like a story that would take some time.

section ll

"You know, I was so jealous at first. When Regulus was born, I just didn't understand why my parents would want another child. It was like, wasn't I enough? I threw a downright fit when Mother tried to hand him to me that night. I screamed that I didn't want it to touch me, that I'd kill it if it got too close. I said Regulus was bloody and ugly. There was some deep, unseated fear that I had. Not so much that I didn't want to share my parents, no, it was more that I feared they were trying to replace me. It's safe to say that I wanted Regulus dead for the first few weeks. I wanted him to simply stop breathing like so many small children do, deteriorate into nothing, and I was prepared to help the process along.

"Calm down, Lily, my parents were monsters. But they did have a few limits. When Regulus was only a few minutes old, like I said, Mother tried to hand him to me. I reached back like I was going to hit him, can you believe that? Not even a day old yet, and I was already smacking him around. I can't remember now if I started to swing or if I just stood there with my hand raised, but either way Father hauled me out of there and introduced me to some, I'd like to think rather misguided, parenting concepts. You know, the old 'I'm hitting you because you need to understand that hitting people is wrong.' Although this didn't really deter me from my previous attitude, and I think I threw more tantrums those first few weeks than the rest of my childhood combined.

"Things went on like that for a while until my father took me aside again, only this time he didn't hit me. Well it might have been because he was holding Regulus in one arm and didn't want to drop him. Although what he said next makes me wonder if he and Mother ever cared about Regulus at all.

"I was only somewhere around four or five at the time, so of course I didn't understand exactly what he meant, but somewhere along the line it must have clicked. It's something I don't remember learning, it's just always been there, embedded in my mind.

"You see, Father said Regulus was mine. That alone didn't mean much, of course, everything was mine, and I knew it. I was the heir after all, to the most powerful wizarding pureblood family in the western hemisphere, and probably the world. I was the heir, and had assumed that Regulus was to be, at best, the spare."

"Isn't that what he is though?" asked Lily. "As sick and ridiculous as I think the paradigm is, wasn't he just there for in case you got killed or did something else stupid?"

"No," Sirius responded. "Never. Regulus was mine from the beginning. He was a present, from Mother and Father. They made him for me. That's what Father said. He told me that, ideally, Regulus would have been a girl. He and Mother had planned for a girl with some special potions and such, but they must not have worked. Either way, now we had Regulus. And suddenly he wasn't a threat to me anymore, he was just another present. Another material gain for me.

"Father told me all this and then he handed Regulus to me. He was a few weeks old at this time, and no longer covered in blood, obviously. Now that I was convinced he was basically a new toy which belonged to me, I began to see him in a different light. He was adorable, I decided, with his jet black hair and his bright blue eyes. He had always been so noisybefore. It didn't matter if it was Mother, Father, the Healers, or any of my cousins, he would always fret and fuss. On most days, Father couldn't hold him for more than a few seconds before he'd start to scream.

"But with me it was different. And probably my ego didn't need such a boost, but I was the only one he seemed content around. Now that I think about it, it was more that he was already accepting his future. I wanted him to be silent, and so he was. I found I rather enjoyed it when he snuggled up into my chest like he did so often."

"Sirius that's…well sick but also so adorable."

Sirius scoffed. "Yeah and for a while it was. Like I said, to me at the time, my father's words meant that Regulus was my toy, or maybe like a permanent friend. One I could boss around, who would do whatever I wanted, and who could never leave me."

Lily took a deep breath. "That wasn't all he meant, was it?"

"Of course not, Lily, that would have been entirely too decent." Sirius took a brief pause, searching for words. "So we started to grow up a little, and Regulus was treated, well, like he was one of my things. 'Sirius go put Regulus somewhere else,' 'Sirius, come get Regulus,' He was always with me. I'd carry him around with me, or when he was old enough to walk, he'd meander after me on his short little legs. And then when I got bored with him, I'd put him away, like some action figure or storybook.

"Okay so it wasn't so blatant to everyone else. I mean, to some degree it was obvious Regulus wasn't so highly valued by my parents. And by valued, I mean purely because I was the oh-so important family heir. But also my parents had to keep up with appearances, it wasn't as if I was allowed to walk him around with a collar and a leash, which was actually something I begged to do some time when I was eight or nine.

"But then I left for school, and Regulus couldn't come with me. So I left him behind like all the other stuff that wouldn't fit in my trunk. And I met James, who I immediately latched myself onto. I didn't consider James to be a replacement for Regulus, after all, James was my friend, and I saw him as an equal. I guess the same can't be said for Reggie. He was so happy when I came home for Christmas that first year, but I think, and I can't really remember all that well, but I think I talked about James, Remus, and Peter a lot. About how much I missed them. I do remember quite well, however, how heartbroken Regulus seemed that first holiday. It was Christmas and he just couldn't get excited. Isn't that just wrong? A sad kid on Christmas? It was something I didn't think much of at the time, but later it really hit home.

"Regulus had his own bedroom. I know, strange, all things considering. He'd spend most of his time during the day in my room, though, but most nights he was actually quite independent. It wasn't as if he climbed into my bed a lot. Sometimes, sure, because he was always a really cuddly little kid. After I started school, though, I don't think he came to my room willingly one single time.

"Around the time I was in my third year, and Regulus was just under a year away from going to Hogwarts himself, I was starting to see Regulus as more of just a brother. Oh, he was still hopelessly attached to me. Mother and Father made it so. When I was little, I was allowed playdates with other well-bred children, but not Regulus. The only people he had ever met, until he went to school at least, were family members. And only occasionally people beyond Mother, Father, and myself, at that. Now as I said, I had begun to think of Regulus as a very loyal little brother who I could ignore, but who would also always be there when I didn't have my real friends to entertain me."

"And you were okay with being such a douche?"

"Lily, I didn't realize. I mean, I've been thinking these last few hours before I brought Regulus back here. I was worried that I'd really hurt him and it got me thinking about, well, everything that's happened and it's sort of easier now to go back and realize what was going on in my mind back then."

"Regulus was unconscious for more than an hour?"

"Continuing. As I mentioned, Regulus didn't know anything other than me, and based on his actions, I'm beginning to think that he knew a lot more about the real meaning behind my father's words than I did at the time. I can't remember how old I was exactly. It was Third Year, I think, Easter Break and I was home for a few days so I must have been thirteen or maybe fourteen. Reggie was around ten, I believe. I was getting ready for bed, and I do remember distinctly that I felt a bit sad. You see, Regulus was moping because I hadn't been paying attention to him, and I had, as per usual, been harping about how much I wished I were back with James and my friends. Regulus went to bed early because of this and so I was changing and brushing my teeth alone. I remember it felt so strange to be in my house and be bathing alone. Now don't look at me like that, Lily, I told you, it wasn't like that, at least not yet. I would set Regulus in the tub first and wash his hair for him, and laugh at him while he played with the water. Then I would dry him off and he'd slip into his nightclothes while I filled the bath again and got in myself. He wanted so very much to be like me; he'd try his hardest to clean my hair for me and try to act like he was taking care of me. You have to understand, we were always together. But Regulus had sulked off and I was standing in front of the mirror, brushing my teeth alone. I found I didn't like it.

"But that was that. I paused briefly at Regulus's bedroom door, and I knocked lightly on it. This I can remember very well. 'Goodnight, Reggie,' I whispered. And he didn't respond. 'Hey, love you,' I said. And still he didn't answer. Or maybe he did and it was just too soft for me to hear. But that was it, and I let him be. I walked away to my room. Our rooms weren't even on the same floor, you know? Mine was up a flight of stairs from his.

"I didn't go to sleep right away, but I really wish I had. Maybe I wouldn't be so messed up now, maybe I never would have gotten started, but that's ridiculous, it would have happened eventually. If not that night then some other in the near future. Is it sad that I can recognize that there's so much wrong with me? It's like, if you know you're sick, then stop, but it's not that easy. Anyway, I was up reading some comic books and Father and Mother came in to visit me. Well, Mother only stayed briefly. She left most of these dealings to my father. Not because she was horrified by what was going on, but because she was indifferent, bored almost. But either way, she stayed long enough to stroke my hair and say that I was in for a treat, and that if I didn't go any further wrong, for by that time I was already quite rebellious, I could have so much more. Then she was gone, and Father led me from my room by my hand. We walked down the stairs and up to Regulus's room. Then Father paused for a moment and looked at me with this bizarre smile on his face, as if, no, I can't really think of a way to describe it.

"And so in we went. Regulus was asleep, I remember, or at least he was curled up under the covers with his eyes closed. I was so confused and bewildered that all I did was stand there in the corner of the room. It was all so dark but for the strip of moonlight that lit up a straight line down the center of the bedroom. I tried my best to stand out of it. Father closed the door behind us and he lifted Regulus into a sitting position by the neck of his shirt. My brother's eyes flew open, but instead of looking at Father he automatically turned his gaze on me where I stood in the shadows by his closet, like he knew I'd be there. That…that really freaked me out. The look in his eyes, I guess. I'm not sure there's an emotion to go with that look.

"Father motioned for me to come closer and after some coaxing, I did. He had this strange patience about him that night, not unlike someone teaching their kid how to fly a broom, or to color inside the lines. Only my father was instructing me how to take advantage of my brother, as casual as could be.

"This really strange thrill found its way to me, Lily, and suddenly a whole ton of pieces started a frenzy, and then began connecting in my mind. I knew I was to inherit Grimmauld Place, my family's Main House, when my father died, but until then I would be comfortably shacked up in one of the estates on the continent, or perhaps the southern coast. These were facts. Two other facts were that I was going to be married one day, and that, despite this, Regulus would still live with me. I had thought at first because being separated from my brother seemed such an alien idea, but right about then the truth of the matter was starting to seep into my dense head."

"Your parents were fucking human traffickers, Sirius?"

"What? No, it was only Reg…and they didn't sell him to me, he was a present."

Lily tugged unconsciously at her watchband. "Seriously? Sick fucking—"

"Lily do you want to hear all this or not? We can stop now; it's getting late after all."

"No, no, I'm sorry, Sirius. Um, go on, I guess. This had all just better explain some things."

"What answers, specifically, are you looking for, Lily?" Sirius asked. He didn't seem so uncomfortable with this conversation as she was. However, if she didn't want to hear it, then she shouldn't have initiated it, he figured, thinking she must have a real soft spot for Regulus to have brought this topic up just to get him a few moments' peace.

"To be honest, I was hoping to work out why you're so bipolar around him, swinging from overprotective to downright abusive in a matter of minutes. You left him for dead, for god's sake! Although I can kind of see it now, and you were right, it is twisted that you know how wrong you are. I'm not saying I'd be able to fix myself were I in your position, butwow does it seem like, from where I'm sitting at least, that you should be getting some serious help."

"So you get it now, you've unraveled all my mental defenses and psychoanalyzed me into a nice little profiled state, then? Should we just stop here?" Sirius's voice wasn't angry, if anything he was amused and trying to get a rise out of Lily.

"That wasn't my goal, and you know it," she said indignantly. "I just really want to understand, so that maybe I could help you guys."

"Wait, help us how?" Sirius asked slowly, looking incredulously at Lily.

"Well, I would like to see you and Regulus enter a paradigm which does not involve you beating and raping him all the time."

"Who are you to say anything—"

Sirius started to stand up, but Lily leaned forward suddenly to pull him back down onto the couch. "Hang on," she insisted. "I don't mean that I want to keep him away from you…at all. Just that maybe we could alter things just a little. I've seen the way he looks at you, Sirius, and I know he loves you like nothing else, but he shouldn't have to forfeit his person to be with you."

"He doesn't forfeit anything. He is all he ever was, he is mine," Sirius growled.

"He is a person, Sirius," Lily shot back with equal vehemence. The sickening part of it all was how fascinating she found Sirius at the moment. How could any one person have so many fault lines along the ridges of their mind? How could Sirius admit all these things about how he felt, and why he had done what he had, but then still revert back to that childish mental state? To make such ridiculous claims? Lily was truly amazed that Sirius could manage to tell her that his parents had brainwashed him into thinking of Regulus as an object, and then immediate follow that statement with an assertion that Regulus was, in fact, his. "I understand that you very nearly lost him once, in a way, but you don't get to hide him away from the rest of the world, now," she continued.

"We're all hiding, Lily," Sirius griped. There was a lot of undirected anger still in his eyes.

"I know that, idiot, but I mean even so. You can't treat your brother like this, like some sort of slave for your stress relief. What's extra wrong about it is that you actually care for him very much. Granted in a very possessive and demeaning way, but still, you love him enough to know you can't replace him, don't you?"

Sirius fumed, trying to think of something to say.

"Here," said Lily, taking ahold of the bottle of sparkling wine she had brought in from the kitchen and downing a considerable amount without the aid of a wineglass. "Let's just go back to your story, all right? Just, tell me everything and I'll at least feel better. So I think what I've got so far, other than a lot of mixed messages from you, was that your parents decided you needed a toy of your own to keep locked in your spare bedroom in case your future wife ever had a headache."

"Right…" said Sirius slowly. His quick temper had already settled considerably. Lily wondered briefly if that was a trait that also ran in his family. "In the front of my mind, I understood what my father was saying, oh he had started talking to me by the way, ignoring Regulus entirely, but still maintaining a firm grip on him, as if he were going to try to run away. Like I said, consciously, I got that my father was saying that he and mother were, in their own sick way, sort of helping me out. He said that in all likelihood, I wasn't going to wind up married to someone I fancied too much. Choices really were very limited if I wanted anyone remotely near my own age. She had to be from the right family, after all, and this may surprise you, but by that point in time, first cousins were in fact off limits in my family. What I was told, was that I'd have to be with this future wife of mine only once if I wanted, for the sake of an heir, but then that we could just go to living on separate ends of the estate and not speaking to one another unless absolutely necessary. Father seemed overly concerned that I was going to wind up with someone ugly. Inbreeding is hit or miss, you know, you either get people looking like genetic throwbacks to the last ice age, or looking like, well, me. I mean, sometimes it doesn't work, but then also sometimes it really, really does.

"And Regulus certainly was the latter. Oh he's got his issues, but they're all internal. There's the fact that his blood doesn't coagulate properly, makes bleeding to death a real risk for him, and then there's his overall mental state. Although I'm not sure how much of his behavior is due to our parents…and me…and how much was already there genetically. I suppose it doesn't much matter. Anyway, Father was expecting me to be really grateful for this insurance that no matter how bloody hideous the girl I had to marry would be, or how horrible she was going to be or whatever, I would never be without my backup plan for relieving sexual frustration. I had my Regulus.

"I think I mentioned a second ago that all this was in the front of my mind. What I meant by that is that this is what I thought I believed, and what I convinced myself of for a very long time. Or at least I thought I had myself fooled. What was on the back of my mind at the time, however, was that after whatever arranged marriage awaited me in the future, I would always have someone to love and who would love me back. Yes I was concerned that I would get landed with some ugly, inbred hag, but at least a small part of my mind was worried for an entirely different reason. I knew I could never truly love someone when we were being forced to be together. I did love Regulus, though, and suddenly I was very happy that I wouldn't have to do without that love."

Lily nodded slowly, her eyes closed. "People don't exactly act on what's locked away in the back of their heads very often, though."

"Well, no. And I guess I'm no different, but you just have to understand, it was exhilarating. That was when I realized that I owned Regulus completely, in any way I could ever want. You've no idea how much of a rush it can be to have so much control.

"Regulus, in keeping with the tradition he'd employed since infancy, didn't want anything to do with Father, and he suddenly started to thrash about, trying to throw off the hand that was still holding him by his shirt. He wasn't trying to escape, or to even get out of his bed, but it was evident that he wanted Father to stop touching him, and to go away. Me, on the other hand, he welcomed. I grabbed Regulus by the shoulders and pulled him further up his bed so there was a little more room between him and our father. As was usual, he stilled immediately. Father saw this as a good thing, I think. Regulus was so insanely loyal to me, even after he had managed to convince himself that I had replaced him with a better brother model, James."

"Yes, he did all the work convincing himself of that…"

"Shush, Lily, I'm not a psychologist now and I certainly wasn't when I was fourteen. I didn't get that he felt so abandoned, and I'm not sure how much I would have cared even if I had. It wasn't like he could leave me, after all.

"The next few minutes were insanely tense. If I sit and think about it, there was probably some settling on Reg's part, for the lesser of two evils, I mean. I'm pretty sure he didn't want either one of us near him just then; remember, he was sore at me for being so distant with him and I don't think he felt the revenge he got on me by keeping hidden from me had quite been enough yet. On the other hand, he despised Father, and he always had. I think he was scared of him, or scared that he couldn't predict him, maybe. Me, on the other hand, he knew inside and out. He couldn't be alone like he so desperately wanted, but he still vastly preferred my company to our father's. So he grabbed me by the arm and gave a desperate tug so that I tumbled onto the bed in between him and Father.

"I can't remember what I thought he'd done that for at the time, but now that I think of it, it makes perfect sense that I was a sort of shield for him.

"And that's when the anxiety really started to pick up. Father kind of, laughed I think. You see, by this point I was lying nearly on top of Regulus, and our father said something along the lines of how I didn't need to get so close, that that kind of intimacy wasn't necessary. I could just take what I wanted, you see, so why didn't I? I don't think Father understood that I cared, however minimally, for Regulus's feelings. I was leaning even closer and letting my breath ghost over Regulus's neck and cheek when he started to shiver and then closed his eyes.

"I noticed about then something I'd never really taken into consideration before. You must have realized now that he isn't all cut up and bleeding anymore like he was when he first came here, that Regulus is a very attractive person?"

"Of course," Lily said immediately. "He looks a lot like you, only smaller. He is insanely handsome, especially—"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay Lily, I'm glad you see it too. Anyway, it was something I'd never really thought about before, he was my brother and I was just so used to seeing him that I'd never really thought of what he looked like from the outside, but he was gorgeous in such a way I'd never considered. He'd never really had baby fat much past the age of two or so, he was more emaciated if anything, but it only made him more good looking. It was almost like looking into some sort of funhouse mirror. He had the exact same eyes as I did, this very pale but very, very bright blue, almost grey, and our faces were different only by millimeters. Where I knew my cheekbones sloped gently his were only just a little more abrupt, his eyebrows only slightly higher up. While I was lying so close, I let our noses touch on accident or maybe on purpose. We'd both inherited, somehow, an almost Arabic shape of nose, the perfect size and oh-so very straight. His was just a little lower than mine, though, closer to his mouth. We had the same horrendously pale skin, completely unblemished although I at the time would have insisted there was stray fuzz on my chin. It was as though we both wore identical skin suits over our bones and muscles, except that Regulus, pale as he was, tanned ever so lightly in comparison to me. Regulus had a single freckle, though, something I'd never noticed before, on the skin near his ear, and several more surrounding the irises of his eyes. Sort of lentigines, I guess, very tiny, very light brown, almost invisible but there were six or seven of them, I counted. I can't say now if my eyes had them then or not, I'd never looked.

"I found I couldn't stop staring at him. Suddenly any fiancée on the planet was going to look hideous next to him. I started thinking maybe sheshould be the one in the closet, and Regulus the person I showed off to the world. I ran a hand down his arm, noting that it was rather long, his legs were, too, for a kid, I mean. He was going to come into that gangly phase early; a good thing actually, as it meant that he would be absolutely perfect and proportionate in only a few years. His teeth were another thing: small, white, perfectly shaped. I caught a glimpse of them briefly when he parted his lips for just the slightest of seconds. He had all his adult teeth by that time, well, excluding wisdom teeth of course, which wouldn't come in for several years and which he would have removed anyway. I remembered, though, back to when he'd had a full set of baby teeth and I'd always teased him about how there were these unnecessary little gaps between each tooth. I could almost have laughed at myself just then because Regulus's teeth were straight as anything, that extra space proving to be an advantage, and there I was, perfect teeth the result of nearly ten different, and painful, dental spells.

"But for the most part, Regulus's mouth remained firmly closed, and he was no longer staring at me. In fact, he had resolutely closed his eyes. I had almost forgotten Father was in the room with us until he stood up from the large bed and stood next to it, blocking all the moonlight from our bodies, casting us deeper into shadow.

"'Sirius,' he said patiently. 'You do realize such closeness is unnecessary.'

"I turned my head to face him immediately and practically growled something along the lines of 'he is mine isn't he? Then I'll do this however I want!' Had I said it to defend my comparatively kind actions towards Regulus, or simply to rebel in another way against an authority figure? I don't know, but I turned back to Regulus, took his face in both my hands and kissed him hard on the corner of his mouth, his chin, the soft space just below his eye…everywhere. Then I worked my way down to his neck, and I wasn't exactly slow either, the bed was shaking a little even from my sudden movements.

"It wasn't altogether that alien of a feeling. I had, after all, kissed my brother before, all over his face and neck. I had not, however, ever licked or bitten him as I started doing just then, when normal kissing suddenly wasn't enough. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear my father chuckling, could almost hear him shaking his head.

"I ran my fingers all through my brother's hair and found it to be so very soft. How had I washed and conditioned that same hair so many hundreds of times and never noticed before? Suddenly another feeling was creeping into my gut. It was worry. Regulus was going to be going to school soon. In one way this was good, he'd be where I was, I could once again take him with me, something I hadn't realized I missed until just that night. On the flip side, though, there were other people at Hogwarts. All kinds of people; girls, boys, a whole student body comprised of people who would soon see my brother. And I found that I didn't want them to. It was then that I felt a rush of insecurity. Regulus idolized me, yes, but he had never met anyone else. What if he got to school and found he fancied some girl? Or someone simply took him away from me, whether he wanted to go or not?

"I think that was one paranoid insecurity I could never quite get over. Fuck if I wasn't going to try, though. Immediately I thought that I should convince Regulus once and for all that he was mine and could only be mine, just like Father and Mother said. My kisses got harder, faster, and I let my hands have free reign; they moved up and down his neck and face, under his night shirt where I could feel the faint beginnings of noticeable abdominal muscles, all over his waist and legs. I remember his skin was cool at first, but as he got more and more frantic it started to heat up. He didn't thrash, yell, or flinch, but the shameful fear and heat radiating off him told me he was close to some sort of nervous breakdown.

"Father finally grabbed my shoulders and pulled me off of him. I remember he actually asked me if I was ready, if I was hard. It would have been that kind of awkward absurdity that's almost laughable if I hadn't been so affronted that he assumed that that was my reasoning for attacking Regulus's small body with such a lengthy onslaught of kisses and touches."

There was silence for a moment. Then Lily whispered quietly, "Well, I guess in your own sort of… twisted way, you were wanting Regulus to feel maybe like he wasn't being so used. That you really did love him. A sick parody of love but still…"

"That might have been it, yeah. Anyway, suffice it to say that my first sexual encounter with another person was closely supervised and aided by my father," there was an amazed tone to Sirius's voice, like voicing such a thing aloud was the final step to confirming it as a real event.

"Right," Lily muttered. "Hellishly awkward. Did he rip Regulus's clothing off for you too?"

"We never took off Reggie's clothes that night," Sirius said immediately.

"If he still had his pajamas on then how did you…"

Sirius pointed to his mouth and Lily looked away, blinking furiously. "Right," she said. "I guess, actually, I want to say that that's a little better, maybe. Certainly gentler than what I was thinking was coming up."

"Lily, this was seven years ago. I didn't have much more than the first clue about how to have sex with women, I surely wasn't in the know on what to do with another boy. Father was, though, and he knew that even if he helped it wouldn't have been feasible. Regulus was so small, I would have seriously injured him, perhaps permanently, and Regulus did need to last a long time. Think of that first night, and most which followed immediately after, as warm up."

Lily had many questions bouncing around in her head, each more inappropriate than the last, but by this time, she figured, just about anything was fair game. "How long before you did take him, take him, though. I mean, I'm assuming you have."

Sirius smiled fondly and leaned back to stare at the ceiling. "Yeah, a year or two later. He was, about twelve, I think. I was somewhere around fifteen or going on sixteen, I can't recall for sure. It…wasn't a very good night. My mother was there for that one. Seemed her boredom had come full circle and now what had previously rendered her apathetic was the most interesting thing in the house. Woman needed to get out more.

"But back to that first night, if you want to go back there. I was unfamiliar with the whole set up, save for the part where Regulus was completely submissive to me. I think I had him sitting up against the massive headboard his old bed used to have, and I was sitting in front of him. By the time I'd clued in on just what, exactly, my Father expected me to do and, I think, enjoy,I was more than ready to take full command. I really didn't want my father helping me anymore. I knew if I just sat there any longer, he'd come even closer to us than he already was and probably undo my pants himself. Not exactly what I wanted. So basically, I was on it. I had a death grip on Regulus's hair the whole time, I had to keep forcing his head back down, you see. He wasn't exactly too thrilled with the situation, I could tell, but what was he going to do? He never said no, though, I mean, never out loud. Perhaps he should have, it would have made the whole thing harder for me to accept. I was already on the fence about deciding if Regulus was all possession or if there was a little bit of person in him too. Screaming, cursing, begging, fighting, any of those things might have pushed the scale in favor of 'human.'

"You're a girl, so I suppose you can't really appreciate how I was feeling, but I'll leave it at amazing. Regulus managed to swipe my mind blank for a while there. I wasn't thinking about anything other than how this could be mine whenever I wanted it, wherever I wanted it, forever. I even forgot about Father, or at least I must have, I was being so loud. I don't think I would have been okay making those noises, or saying any of what I said if I had remembered he was there. He really did make the whole situation awkward, but I think he felt it needed to be done. He told me later that he had noticed Regulus slept almost always in his own room, instead of visiting me during the nights. In other words, it had been originally assumed that Regulus and I would have reached this situation on our own by then, but since we hadn't, and had remained simply brothers, something had to be done, and Father became the necessary catalyst."

"'Simply brothers'?" Lily raised an eyebrow. "You think normal brothers treat their younger sibling the way you did Regulus, even before all…all of everything else started? I mean, the controlling demeanor."

"My point, Lily, was that Father was almost annoyed with me that I hadn't taken it upon myself to experiment at all with Regulus yet. He had clearly assumed that I understood just to what extent my rights over him reached."

"The rights you think you have," Lily reminded him.

Sirius shook his head a little, but otherwise ignored her comment. "I came down from my high faster than I would have liked, and I immediately collapsed onto my brother. It never occurred to me that night to ask if Regulus wanted anything. I don't think he was ever erect at any point, actually, I don't know if he even could get it up then, he was only ten, and a majorly isolated child at that."

"Or maybe having someone's cock rammed down your throat just isn't so much of a turn on as you'd think it would be, Sirius," Lily said with sarcasm.

"Be that as it may," said Sirius through gritted teeth. Lily reached absent-mindedly for her drink again. "That night could have ended much better than it did. Now, I was ecstatic at first, and slowly the room was coming back into focus. That's when I noticed Regulus was coughing and sputtering. 'Hold his mouth closed,' my father insisted from where he stood by the bed, and I reached up quickly to do just that. I don't know if I was just blindly following Father's authority, or if I'd actually had the mental state necessary at the time to realize that if I didn't do it, he would, and that Regulus would freak if Father touched him at that point. I grabbed ahold of Regulus's lower jaw and I pushed firmly upward, trying to get him to swallow, I guess, but that's really hard to do to someone who's coughing, and Regulus's throat was convulsing in this awful way. I was afraid suddenly that he couldn't breathe and so I let go of him and tried to sit us both up.

"'He's not going to choke, Sirius, he'll be fine,' Father said lazily. 'Don't let him get away with this, even once.' I wondered briefly why it mattered so much to Father that Regulus swallow after I'd come down his throat, but I suppose it was some kind of control thing he was trying to teach me. Either way, he held Regulus's mouth closed tightly himself and then hit him square in the neck. He made this sort of gagging noise and I think most of it went down into his lungs, because he started coughing again like crazy as soon as Father released him, but nothing was coming out of his mouth.

"It took a minute for Regulus to start breathing normally again, by which time I had begun to feel quite bad for him. Some semblance of the big brother instinct was kicking in and I felt the sudden urge to comfort him. So, after redoing my pants and everything, I propped myself up on one elbow and pulled Regulus up into my chest. I wiped away the faint tears that were leaving those eyes so similar to my own that it was like seeing my reflection. 'Shush, quiet now. It's okay, you're okay,' I said by way of comfort, even though he was being perfectly silent.

"It was when I leaned forward just a little to kiss the top of his head when Father finally snapped out of some reverie he must have been in. 'Get out,' he insisted, dragging me from the bed and my brother. 'Don't stay!' he exclaimed, like it was the most obvious thing. I guess he didn't want me to stay with Regulus and comfort him. Maybe he thought it was best I learn to discard Regulus afterwards like a cheap whore. It's one lesson of his that's stuck with me quite well, but that night it hurt me. I was upset, and came close to hitting the man as he dragged me by my wrist out the door, leaving Reggie behind. That night he locked me in my bedroom until morning, as if he were afraid I would sneak out after he had gone to sleep and see my brother. He could have just as easily locked Regulus's door, but I guess he wanted to drive home the point that I wasn't coming back for him."

"Not coming back for your brother," said Lily as soon as Sirius paused his speech to draw breath. "That seems to be something you're very good at."

"We'll get to that point, Lily, we'll get to it."

"Yeah, I suppose we will…"

"I guess it would be best if I just skip ahead a little ways. Not much else interesting happened the rest of that term, it was all very tense, though. But then that fall, Regulus got his letter and I think our parents were actually a little surprised. You see, they didn't know that Regulus had any magical propensities at all. In a way, I think they might have been hoping that he turn out to be a squib. Then they could justifiably disown him and no one would question where he'd disappeared to when I refused to let him leave my house."

"Yeah, or your fucking cellar."

"Lily! Gods, anyway, they didn't know, but I did. I'd just never told them, I guess I never saw the reason to. I knew, however, that Regulus was quite magical, even when he was very small. When it snowed, and I would go outside to play, Regulus would follow me. I remember one time; I was messing with him, telling him to give me things like his hat or his gloves, and finally his coat and his shoes as well. I didn't need them, really, I just wanted to take them. But soon he was standing barefoot and shirtless in the freezing cold, and the snowflakes weren't even melting when they hit him. All he had left were his pants, but before I could ask for those, I had already become bored and wished to play another game.

"I kicked snow all over his fallen articles of clothing so they'd be freezing if he tried to put them back on, which he didn't. I remember I decided I wanted to be a reindeer, and set off looking for sticks to pretend were my prongs. Regulus disappeared down the street. I didn't bother to really keep track of him.

"But then he came back, and he was walking through the snow, barely any clothes at all, but he wasn't shivering or anything. Somehow he was keeping himself perfectly warm, yet his skin was frozen over. It was like he had gone into some sort of conscious hibernation, like a snake almost.

"Then I noticed in his arms were multiple sets of antlers. He held them out to me and he had this sweet smile on his face. Now I know for a fact that one is not likely to find very many wild animals of the cervidae variety wandering the semi-crowded streets of holiday London. So where else could he have gotten them? He created them himself, I'm sure, or more likely he went looking for them and summoned them without realizing it, thinking that he had found them along an alley or something."

"What did you do?" asked Lily.

"Well they weren't actually reindeer antlers, I don't think Reggie knew the difference between the different types of deer. Anyway, I think I yelled something about not wanting to be a lame mule deer before knocking them out of his hands, pushing him into the street and running back to the house, already wanting hot chocolate from Mother.

"Lily, honestly, save your breath. If you want me to get up to present day, there are going to be a lot more important incidents that will demand your attention, I'm sure. Now where were we timeline-wise?"

Lily sighed in resignation. "Regulus got his letter. You said he was very magical, but your parents were surprised."

"Oh, right," said Sirius, nodding. He stretched out and put his hands behind his head. "Right…

"So here's the thing. That little episode I mentioned with the cold and the antlers, that was just one of many, Regulus was always spouting off little bursts of magic when he was around me. I don't know why he was always so controlled when Mother, Father, or other relatives were around. I remember they used to make fun of him, right to his face, about not being so magical as I. He had control over his talents, too, they weren't just random accidents like mine had been before school, so he easily could have proven them wrong. I think he liked to just stay out of the limelight. He enjoyed going unnoticed.

"But I digress. Back to the Hogwarts letter. Mother and Father bought Regulus all the supplies he would need; wand, robes, books, just like any other parent would. The two trips to Diagon Alley that I made with Regulus were very strange, and kind of pleasant days, really. My parents are insane, Lily. They are racist, bigoted, cruel, uncaring, unloving, and sadistic…but they are not socially retarded. They knew times had changed. It was the seventies now and their worldviews and practices that had survived for so long in the core of my family were no longer publicly accepted. They doted on me in public, much, much more than the mediocre amount—for I always thought I was not receiving enough attention—they bestowed upon me at home, and Regulus was treated with a sort of detachment that people always wanted to assume was a mask of propriety hiding an inner collection of love and cherishment. People would think to themselves, I just know they would, 'look at the cold glare on Orion's face, so cruel. But he DOES have a hand on his youngest son's shoulder. He must, he simply MUST really love that child. He is just being a man, a pureblood man, just keeping up with appearances.'

"You know, those sorts of assumptions. From the view of an outsider, you'd never think our home was so horrifically unbalanced. We looked like any normal aristocratic family of our caliber. Sure it was obvious I was favored over Regulus, but I was the heir. Regulus was still loved, though, just in a different way. This is what people think they see. This is what people tell themselves, and they don't bother to look any closer."

"Someone should have," griped Lily.

"Did you ever?" Sirius asked. "You saw Regulus at Hogwarts more than I did the last two years James and I were there, remember you had to keep coming back to do those Further Education speeches? He must have attended every one. Did you ever think he'd been through so much?"

"No, I suppose not," admitted Lily, her eyes unusually shiny. "But I had already become biased against him because of everything you'd ever said!"

"The same way the rest of the wizarding world has always thought of the Blacks," said Sirius simply.

"You and James, you two…but especially you, you were always going on about how he was a spoiled little racist brat. Poor, poor you, what with him being your parents' favorite because he had no mind of his own and would become whatever they wanted—!"

"That last part, I'll have you know, is halfway true," Sirius pointed at Lily while he spoke. "Just replace 'parents' with my name and you'll be spot on with that 'doing whatever they want part.' Only I'm not so sure about him not having his own mind. Regulus does, really, he is a very independent person. If he weren't, then he would never have survived all those years without me."

"Oh," said Lily in a high-pitched voice. "So when you ditched him all those years ago, what were you expecting would happen to him, exactly? Did you think he was gonna' just dropdead? That your parents would get rid of him? …Or did they finally clue in that their second son was capable of inheriting their name with you A.W.O.L.?"

"Slow down, dude," said Sirius in a calm voice. "Let's just get there naturally. You don't want me to skip anything, really, or things aren't going to make sense."

"You mean up until now they have?"

"Ha, ha. So let's just continue," Sirius took a huge drink from Lily's wine bottle. "Regulus and school supplies, right. Well, as you can imagine, things were almost awkward between me and my brother. I say almost because two people as close as we were really can't reach such a state as 'awkward,' but damn, did we come close. I hadn't stopped, er, better acquainting myself with him, you see. If anything, there was a small grace period of around two months (the time from Easter Break to summer, when I was back at school) where I had nothing to do with him. When I got back for the summer vacation, however, it was game on."

Lily groaned, and threw her head forward into her hands. Sirius kept talking.

"There were many, many nights like that first one, and over the course of that first June since that fateful Easter, Regulus developed a sort of sixth sense concerning my moods. He was like some sort of wild animal, I swear, like when they all disappear before an earthquake? Only Regulus couldn't disappear, only resign himself. Well, no that's a lie; he tried avoiding me a few times. I remember one day in particular. It was very late, well past midnight and we had been up all night at a family soiree my parents had hosted. Now when the house was finally quiet again, we were taking our baths. We always bathed at home, we never showered."

"Wait, hang on, have we backtracked a bit?" asked Lily, confused. "Is this the summer before Regulus started school?"

"Yes, sorry, we've gone back a few months from his letter arriving. Anyway, I was moving the soapy body scrub up and down his chest and across his clavicle, leaning far over the side of the tub and keeping my hold of him with my other arm wrapped around his shoulders. Then I paused for a second, let my hand slip under the water to press the scrub hard up against his abdomen, and I started kissing him on the neck, right below his jaw.

"The important thing here was not that I was kissing him, no, I did that all the time, for as long as I can remember. I'd never adhered to the rule that one can only kiss family members on the cheek. So the idea to take away was that Regulus could tell the difference. Recall that he was only eleven, but that he could tell from a few simple kisses—which were physically the same as any other number of bouts of affection he'd received from me—if I was planning on demanding something in return or not.

"This was a talent he would later be able to apply to my diction, tone of voice, body stance, and any number of other small things about which most people didn't think twice. That night, or I guess it was more like early morning by then, he managed to throw me completely off guard. He was testing waters, I think, seeing how much misbehavior he could get away with. This incident, especially, is what makes me so sure that he did have a mind of his own. He had more than his share of 'mind.'

"So what happened was this. The little fucker tricked me. See, he started kissing me back. He reached one warm arm up and wrapped it around my neck, and then repositioned himself so that we were face to face, although he made sure he was lower down and looking up at me. He nuzzled his face into my neck, mindful not to get my clothing too wet, and then twisted his head around so he could start kissing my jaw.

"I was dumbstruck, to say the least. I hadn't expected that. Ever since that first time, I had just sort of assumed that these little trysts were for my benefit. I had never imagined that Regulus might find some pleasure in them too, and of course it went right to my head. I couldn't even seem to move. Regulus gripped the wrist of the hand I had been washing him with and slowly pushed it further and further down. Then suddenly I was gripping him tightly by the shoulders with both hands and almost falling into the water with him, I was kissing him so frantically.

"I tried desperately to regain some control over myself, and I laughed lightly at him, and said something like, 'Impatient Reggie, greedy Reggie, my Reggie,' and with as much self-control as I could work up, I broke it off. I stroked the side of his face lightly and said he'd have to wait a while, because I hadn't had my bath yet. So I pulled him out of the water and into a towel, all the while finding more and more excuses to touch him, to have my skin make contact with his. I think it caused me actual heartwrench to pull myself away from him and refill the tub. I slid into the water as he got dressed and then closed my eyes in contentment. I was expecting any second now that he would return my ministrations, as he always had, barring that one night the previous Easter.

"I was frowning a little, and wondering what was keeping him. I opened my eyes and my brother was gone. Out of the room. Nowhere in sight. 'Regulus?' I called incredulously. Why on earth would he leave, and where would he even go?"

"Clever little kid," Lily smiled fondly. Sirius shook his head, his attitude towards Lily's newfound affection for his brother shifting between amusement and anger.

"Anyway, my first guess was his bedroom, or maybe mine, but he wasn't in either. He'd had a headstart on me, too, as I had had to dry off and dress. Quietly I crept up and down flights of stairs, looking in each room, and being as silent as I could because my parents were sleeping. I searched for quite a while, and since I do not—and did not then—like to be kept waiting, I soon grew tired of Reggie's little game. I was angry, offended, and felt like I had been hoodwinked."

"You had," Lily pointed out. Sirius ground his teeth.

"He was in the attic," he continued. "A really large room, almost an entire other floor complete with carpets, chairs and windows, underneath one of which I found my brother sitting. He hadn't bothered to hide within the room; I think he had figured that if I was going to come all the way up to the attic that I would have looked thoroughly enough to find him once I was there.

"And there he was, cross legged under the window, waning moonlight spilling through the panes and casting his shadow on the floor, right over the ancient, threaded throwrug. He had one elbow balanced on his knee, and his chin resting in that hand. He looked up at me slowly as I rose from the attic floor, stepping up the final rungs of that pull-down ladder that we used to have."

Sirius paused for a second. "He looked so small," he said, and Lily made no comment, merely stared at Sirius through the corner of her eye, as though she wished not to see him directly.

"I walked over to him and he sighed a little, admitting defeat. I made to reach down and seize him by the arm, but I found that he had already extended a hand to mine, and was looking resolutely at the floor. I grabbed him by the forearm and that was the last time he ever tried to actually run and hide from me."

A cold air was lightly blowing from somewhere, Lily was sure. Sirius's words were making her skin crawl; little needles were pricking her nose as she breathed. For the first time since she could remember, she was almost afraid to be in the same room as her friend.

Sirius, for his part, was leaning back again, though he was no longer lounging. His hands were folded in his lap.

"I'd never been rough with him before. Mentally...emotionally, maybe but never rough physically. I'm not so sure it was kindness, but more that the thought had just never crossed my mind. I'd never seen a reason to hurt him; it seemed an unnecessary expense of effort on my part. That night was different though. Actually, it was far into the early morning by the time I'd finally found him. It must have been three or four o'clock when we returned from the attic. I hadn't even had to make him go down the ladder. I'd simply stopped by the trapdoor and released him. He was so, I don't know, broken,that he just climbed down it, quite steadily really, and then stood in the hallway, waiting for me. I closed up the attic entrance before grabbing him again, although that was probably unneeded. He wasn't going anywhere. Then I dragged him across the house and down the stairs to my own bedroom.

"It's a very, very good thing that I had not yet fucked him. Had I the knowledge and habits that I would gain the next summer, I could have done irreparable damage. I would have killed him. I was so…

"Angry.

"But certainly around that time I began to think about it. Sexual education is not something that happens gradually, it is a very abrupt thing. At least it was for me. After that first encounter on that Easter night, it set the ball in motion and by the time I came home that summer I had discovered an amount of sexual technique and theory truly disproportionate to the amount of time that had passed. That night was like the apex of my understanding. Suddenly, I knew that there was more. Just a bit more, actually. Just one single other step to take before I had complete domination of Regulus. I wanted whatever it was that night. I wanted to know it then, to put it to use, to destroy that evil spirit in his brain that had taken hold of my Regulus and persuaded him to reject me. To trick me.

"Things got a little weird that night. If you remember I mentioned he'd cried a little the first time Father brought me to him. Well if that was his reaction to something terrifying and wrong, then what I inflicted upon him then must have been nearly unbearable.

"He wasn't loud, he was never loud. Regulus has really only ever had two volumes: soft, and silent. It usually took great coaxing to get him to speak at all, even from me. I don't think you can appreciate what a chatterbox he's become since you've re-met him. Even if he does seem quiet and softspoken to you now, it is nothing compared to how he was before. So no, he was immensely quiet, but the tears came.

"It might surprise you now, but I wasn't very experienced with genuine physical violence then. There were the scuffles at school, mainly with Snivellus, yes, but those were magical confrontations. I had been slapped and backhanded by Father a number of times, but they were never more than small, stinging reminders. The worst I'd ever gotten was that night I'd tried to hit newborn Regulus, and I'd gotten over that thirty seconds after it happened. That meant that, once again, I was in new territory.

"There was actually less hitting than you might imagine. This is another night with my brother that is engrained very precisely in my memory. I didn't really strike him all that much, I didn't need to. I found something better.

"In my confusion on how to go about punishing an unruly…"

"The word you're looking for is slave," Lily hissed.

"Yes, well, I was confused as to what to do. I'd gotten him into my bedroom, and he gave the briefest of struggles at the door. He leaned back ever so slightly like he might try to pull from my grip, but by the time I looked back at him, he was already resolutely by my side again, even pressing up against me a little, trying to hide his face in my side because he had to be scared. See, he was scared of me, and what I was going to do to him, but at the same time he was wanting me to protect him. It was all very messed up.

"So I pushed him up onto my bed. My bed is rather high, too, nearly four feet off the ground, fitting for royalty, I presume, and so he had to clamber a little. I myself used my desk chair as an easy stepping tool, like I did every night. It was important especially now, I needed to appear graceful and confident.

"And so I slid on top of him. This time, I knew all his shirt and clothes had to go. He didn't deserve them. Now, my bed is nestled in the corner of my room, and at that time had a lot of pillows lining the wallside, the head, even the foot of the bed. There were a lot of robes and shirts and other assorted clothing on my bed as well, it was cozy for me, almost. I liked sleeping with tall walls of cloth and fluff surrounding me. I could almost burrow in, as it were. Now I pushed Regulus back into the very corner of my bed, deep into the mattress and all my things around him matched the darkness of the room, it was like I was holding him under a blackness that was like water. Slowly, I was making him suffocate. Not actually, of course, I didn't yet have a grip on his throat, but Regulus hates small spaces, he's terrified of enclosed areas, and I was holding him down.

"And other than our baths together, during which much was covered by towels or bubble bath, I had never really seen Regulus naked all that often, like I said, it hadn't really been necessary before then. But now, now I couldn't help but just stare at him, and I know he was gorgeous even for a preadolescent kid. It's that incestuous game of Yahtzee again, and it just so happened that Regulus's genes had lined up on dice reading six, six, six, six, and six. He was perfect, almost feminine, but again not too much. He didn't have those hips that girls do, I mean, from shoulders to hips he was shaped wide to narrow like a funnel, not an hourglass. He was the poster child for handsome, yet effeminate boys. Again, I felt a stab of worry. Regulus was that kind of good-looking, you could see what you wanted. Look closely and he's so beautiful that it doesn't matter if you're straight, he's prettier than any girl. Look even closer, though, and you can see he has a guy's shoulders, and hard, if not all that large, muscles; girls would love him. Once again I worried what would happen when he went to boarding school.

"I know I did a lot of pushing. I pushed my hands deep into the spaces between his ribs, slowly, but forcefully, until he was gasping and pressing the side of his face to the comforter. I pushed myself down on him, and was rueful that I was wearing soft pajamas instead of something with a button or a zipper, something that would cut him. I pushed so hard on his shoulders that eventually the mattress was stretched far enough it became hard, and I heard his spine pop against it.

"He kept tilting his head up, like he couldn't get any air from where he lay so far buried in the mattress, the blankets, the clothes and the pillows.

"And I came so close to doing it, so close to jumping that final step and forcing my whole self inside of him, but I just couldn't seem to get it all together. As I said, I came so very close. I pushed him onto his side, face against the pillows lined up on the wall, and laid myself on top of him completely. I'm not sure he could breathe at that point, but I didn't care, and when he started trying weakly to buck me off of him, to push me off of him, I started thinking how much easier it would be if he would just stop moving.

"I got so far as two fingers, slick with sweat but otherwise dry, a ways past the second knuckle. Here was the one time Regulus ever misjudged me. He thought, I'm sure he did, that I was going to continue stretching him, that I would take him in that final way, but I didn't. I leaned back from him a bit, and by this time I believe he truly thought he was going to die. He'd lost a lot of oxygen struggling so hard, and he hadn't been able to breathe any new air back in with his face against the wall. I was no longer pressed up against him, but he didn't try to move. Maybe he couldn't, maybe he had just given up, but either way he was shaking like none other. His hair was damp and there were beads of sweat rolling across his back and onto the sheets. I rested one hand on his shoulder, and with the other took hold of myself, slipping my pants down only so much as I had to. It was strange to notice the tiniest amount of blood on my nails.

"I scooted back away from him just a little more, and then pulled him around so that I was kneeling upright, and he was down on his knees before me. He had a lot of trouble keeping himself from falling back over, but I kept a tight grip on his head.

"I guess when you mention rough sex, most people think of it happening fast and hard, but this wasn't like that. If anything, I went slower than I ever had, and I think that terrified Regulus more. It lasted longer than ever before. I pushed him down slowly, yet so very far that his reflex changed from gagging to swallowing. At the time I wasn't worried about it, but now that I reflect, it's a wonder he didn't bite me. He never did, not that night, not any other night, which is bizarre as that surely would have made me think twice about ever allowing my cock to drift so close to his mouth again.

"I can understand that that night he may have been fearing for his very life, and some semblance of a survival instinct may have kicked in. You know they say Stockholm Syndrome is actually a survival mechanism? Placating your captors, displaying genuine affection and cooperating in the hopes that they will not harm you, it dates back to Neolithic times, I guess, when warring tribes used to steal people from each other. I can think of no other explanation for why Regulus took all of the abuse I dished out to him in such stride, especially after he entered school and must have learned that what was happening was wrong (although the fact that he never once mentioned it to anyone makes me assume he'd known it was wrong all along). Unless, of course, he honestly wanted to make me happy and was willing to destroy himself to do so.

"I can tell you with some certainty why it is I act the way I do, but there are some parts of Regulus's behavior that I cannot begin to understand. Even now, it would be so easy for him. I wasn't with him the entire time today when we spoke to Dumbledore, he has enough bruises and injuries (hell even scars) to back up his story—not to mention Dumbledore is an excellent legilimens—so why didn't he just beg the professor for sanctuary? As helpful as he's been to the Order, Dumbledore would make accommodations for him in a flash. Regulus is smart, and he can reason these things out, so why does he never act? Even when I left him behind he tried to follow me when a sane person would have gathered their money and fled the country just in case I ever changed my mind and came back. It was I who ignored him at school those last two years, and the three years that followed, not the other way around. He tried to seek me out on several occasions."

"God, I wish he didn't," said Lily with some disgust, "but he loves you."

"Yes," Sirius mused. "But…it can't be real, can it? There's no way…"

"Well, you said he didn't want you to leave him, even after he had been introduced to normal society at school. Tell me, keep going."

"All right. Nothing much else occurred along those lines that night, except that I felt strange. Climax had a tendency to do that to me, even still now, to some degree. It wiped me of all emotion and for a second I forgot why we were there. When I came back down to reality, the events started clicking into place again, only now that I was softening and comfortable, I didn't see Regulus's actions as so much of a betrayal. I seemed to realize I had overreacted."

"Overreacted—?"

"When I looked down at him, I was horrified. Not so much by the careful bruises along his ribcage and neck, or the few weak sputters he gave as his body tried to cough back up what he'd swallowed. No, what hit me so hard was the fact that he was actively leaning into the corner, letting the surrounding items close in on him even more. He was so goddam claustrophobic, and I knew this, so it shocked me to see that he would rather tangle himself up in his surroundings, would rather willingly enclose himself in a dark, small area, than be so much as an inch closer to me.

"I was so used to him preferring me, after all. If there was ever anyone else in the room, Mother, Father, cousins, uncles, it didn't matter who, Regulus was always by my side. He'd shy away from our own mother, who to my knowledge never laid a hand on him, burying his face in my shirt or wrapping his arms tightly around my waist. He would actively hide his face from other people, making eye contact only ever with me, but now here he was, burying his face and body in darkness and waiting to die, just to stay away from me.

"I cannot, like I said, presume to explain all of Regulus's strange behavior, but I do have quite a few theories and assumptions. At this point he was not even breathing. I know it is impossible to suffocate yourself to death simply by holding your breath as your body will not let you do such a thing, but I do not doubt that Regulus that night would have done it, with the aid of his magic if he needed to. It might seem that this was the low point, and that if, at that moment, a total stranger had burst into the room and whisked Regulus away from me he would be willing to recover, to admit that I was evil and find someone better for himself.

"That might be what it seems like, but it isn't the truth. I'm fairly certain of what was going through his head just then. He didn't want to be saved, seriously, he didn't. You see, the only person on this planet he'd ever wanted was me, but now he was realizing just how much I could, and would, hurt him. He was beginning to think I did not love him. Instead of wishing to be free of me, he simply wanted to die. He decided right then and there that if he couldn't be safe and loved with me, then he would rather cease to live.

"It took me a minute to realize that he wasn't just catching his breath. He really was no longer breathing. At that moment it didn't matter if it was because I'd pushed too hard on his diaphragm or if it was his twisted way of committing suicide right in front of me. I panicked. Had I really wanted him dead earlier? Of course not, but I had been angry enough to nearly do it. It was something I would have regretted, though, and now to see him slowly leaving right before my eyes was terrible.

"'Hey,' I whispered frantically. 'What do you think you're doing? Regulus what are you doing?' I pulled him out to the middle of my king sized bed and lay down next to him. I thought that if I could just get him out of that corner, somewhere more open, that he would be okay. I remember I ran my hands all over his chest, as if that would make his lungs do their job. 'Reggie,' now I was crying, crying because I had been too rough and had broken my favorite toy, possibly for good. I tried desperately to make him breathe again. I pried open his mouth with my hands gave him all of the air I had in my lungs. I hit him and shook him kissed him all over.

"But I couldn't kiss this injury better and I tried my hardest to send my own magic at him to counteract the magical stopper he had put on his own respiratory system, but I, even after years of training in the magical arts, was still not as powerful as he was. I couldn't undo this spell he managed, part of me wonders now if casting it was even a conscious decision on his part.

"'Regulus,' I sobbed. 'Stop it now, I'll call Father,' but I couldn't scare him into complying either. 'Please,' I rolled onto my back and pulled him on top of me. Then I pulled several sheets and blankets up over us. I held on to him tightly. If Regulus was going to really leave me, then they were going to have to pry his dead body from my arms.

"Obviously, he didn't actually die. I don't know what changed his mind, but just as his eyes were starting to roll back, he snapped out of it. He started coughing and gasping, and I had never been so happy in my life. He had to be okay now, he was making noises. I started crying even harder, I was so relieved.

"'Shush, shush,' I said, sitting up now and cradling him in my lap. My hands roamed under the blankets and I stroked and kissed his entire body, paying special attention to his neck and chest. I placed two sweet kisses over every bruise I'd left on his ribcage. I ran my fingers through his soft hair, and I made sure to be so incredibly gentle.

"I'd told Regulus I loved him before, many times, but never after sex, not once before then and not once since. But that night I did. 'I love you,' I said, over and over. 'Please love me back again.'

"Regulus never responded to me. He never answered me nor did he return my hugs or kisses, he only lay wherever I moved him, shaking ever so slightly and never meeting my gaze. I don't know if he did this with the intent to punish me, but if that was his goal, it worked. I felt so horrible, and I knew Father would be ashamed of how I was acting, but I couldn't help it. I had nearly killed my Regulus, I had pushed our already strained relationship until it snapped and all that remained were a few weak strands of what once held us so close together.

"I kept him close to me the rest of the night, trying desperately to physically make up for what was now emotionally missing, and that was how the dawn found us when it entered coldly through my window. It found me lying on top of Regulus with my face buried in his neck, wanting nothing more than to never let go of him. I had fallen asleep for a short amount of time just prior to sunrise. Regulus, I'm sure, didn't sleep at all that night. When I woke up, he was staring, unblinkingly, up at the ceiling.

"I closed my eyes against the new light, and several more tears managed to escape me.

"'I'd run away from me, too,' I whispered. 'But you're better than me, so please don't,' I tried to appease him. 'I'll always love you, baby brother. Perfect Reggie, please forgive me.' I can remember every word I said to him, every touch I gave him, hoping to illicit a reaction, and how many times I tried to beg for his love again. It wasn't something I could forget. He still didn't say anything (had he known my promises were all empty lies?) and refused to look at me, so I gave him one more kiss, right on the corner of his eyebrow, and got up from bed, knowing my parents would soon come for me. Finding me cuddled up with a naked Regulus would not have been good.

"He did forgive me, though, if you hadn't already deduced as much. It was later that day, actually. I left him alone for hours, let him sit in his room and do whatever it was he did to occupy his time when I wasn't around, and I sulked in one of the drawing rooms. Around three or so in the afternoon, when both our parents had gone out, I was sitting Indian style in my father's large reading chair, feeling dejected, my eyes glazed over and looking at nothing in particular. Regulus meandered into the room carrying an afghan. It was blue, I remember, with green and black stripes. There were threads sticking out.

"Then he approached me ever so silently, and gently threw the blanket onto my lap. I looked at him for a moment, wondering what I could possibly say, when he suddenly climbed into my lap as well. He wordlessly wrapped the blanket around us and then put his head on my shoulder. I kissed the top of his head and hugged him close. I didn't say anything, because what words were there? He was completely mute as well, and we sat like that, cuddled up together, for many long hours, eyes wide open and never falling asleep."

Lily nodded somberly. "I'm…I'm just…I'm lost," she said. "I don't know what to think anymore. You're a…a…"

Sirius quirked an eyebrow, daring her to finish her sentence. Hastily, Lily changed tracks.

"If you cared so much for him, why did you run away? Why did you just ditch him?"

"Do you want me to skip to that part?"

"No," Lily said abruptly. "No…" she swiped the bottle back up from the coffee table and realized miserably that it was empty. "I guess we've probably had enough to drink," she conceded. "Ah, fuck it, I'm getting us another bottle. They're tiny bottles, right?"

Her joints cracked when she finally stood up from the sofa, stiff after remaining immobile for so long. From the kitchen she called back to Sirius, "keep talking, bro."

"Okay," he said, stretching and popping his shoulders. "So things were okay after that. I still visited Regulus nightly. Some nights would mean he had to suck me off, but others were more peaceful, sometimes I would just hold him. And there were always touches, no matter what else. I was ten times more affectionate than I had been before. I enjoyed pinpointing each and every one of his most sensitive places."

Lily returned to the living room. "Huckleberry," she deadpanned. She handed Sirius the bottle and he took a few small sips before passing it back. She collapsed down onto the couch next to him again.

"Right here," Sirius pointed to the base of his neck, just above the ridge of his collarbone. "Reggie loves to be touched right here…and kissed right along here," he ran his finger up and down the curve of his eyebrow.

Lily nodded, "Noted."

Sirius continued. "The summer passed peacefully after that," he said. "I exchanged some letters with James and the others, but I was careful to do it when Regulus wasn't around. And…I think we've made it back up to buying school supplies Regulus's first year. Yeah, we have. So we set off to school together, but not before Father and Mother had had a word with me at the station. They were starting to get a little angry, all the letters of my misdemeanors and my raucous flaunting of my Gryffindor spirit. Oh, they hadn't given up on me yet, far from it, but they were starting to pull out some serious stops, trying to get me to conform.

"Strangely enough, they never thought at that point to threaten to take from me the one thing that might have done their cause some good: Regulus. They didn't bring him up once that summer. Mother screamed at me a few times, and Father assured me he would confiscate everything from my broomstick to my very wand if I didn't start behaving myself, but the idea that losing the privilege of being with Regulus would so totally devastate me never crossed their minds. I was happy for that.

"So we got on the train, and I saw a whole new side of my brother. He didn't want to sit with me on the Express. I was already planning on telling him to get lost in favor of James, Remus, and Peter, but he either had already assumed this, or didn't care to sit with me at all because as soon as we boarded, he stood on tip-toe to give me a kiss on the cheek and then dashed off down the corridor after some other first years. It threw me a little off balance the whole ride. James kept asking me if I was ill.

"I got up and checked on him after a few hours. I couldn't stand it. I found him in a compartment with these two girls in his grade and a boy prefect. I looked in through the glass. They seemed to be having a good time just talking. Regulus wasn't smiling or laughing like they were, but he was scrutinizing them very closely, studying them almost. I had thought that thrown into any sort of social situation, he would cling to me like always, but this wasn't the case. He was perfectly fine with other people. Later on I would learn that he was excellent at sneaking around in the outskirts of social groups and manipulating everyone without their knowing. The public domain he had never been exposed to was like a game to him, some new and exciting challenge. My only piece of solace was that he wasn't an active part of their conversation. He still hardly opened his mouth around other people.

"Well, I pulled him out of the compartment explaining to those others that we had to spend some quality time together on the train before he was separated from me at the school, and I led him by the arm down to the bathrooms. I pulled him into one, locked it, and then pressed him up against the door, kissing him hard on the mouth. There wasn't usually much tongue involved because normally I was kissing him. We didn't often kiss each other, but this time was different. I got him to return the kiss, and I was finding that I loved the electric buzz I felt when our tongues connected.

"Regulus, I think, thought that I'd dragged him off because I was wanting a quick fix, and he broke away from my kiss and started to sink to his knees in front of me, but I pulled him back up, saying 'no,' and I started kissing him again. I pulled him away from the door and hugged him to me, one hand in his hair, the other on his back. He was laughing into my kiss; I think I was amusing him somehow.

"We couldn't hide in there forever, though, and eventually I went back to the Marauders and left Regulus to his own devices. It might not seem important to mention that incident on the train, but it was actually a perfect example of how our relationship had changed once again. We were like two people in love, it was like we were dating properly. When we got to the school, and Regulus was sorted into Slytherin like I knew he would be—remember he's such a sneaky little bastard—I still saw him frequently. I'd set up meetings and we'd fly on the Quidditch Pitch or go for walks by the lake under the stars. Yes we still did other things, but slowly it was changing towards something a little more mutual.

"It was no longer just me that got my climax. I'd stroke Regulus off as well, usually when we were kissing after the fact. It was Christmas Break that year (when I stayed at school for once and Regulus stayed as well) when I put my mouth on him for the first time."

Lily raised an eyebrow. "You did what now?"

"I wasn't very good at it, of course, and Regulus wouldn't do to me what I'd always done to him, which would have been to grab my head and move it for me, but I think the gesture itself had him over the moon. I finally had it back, you see, that unwavering adoration that I had so carelessly broken the previous summer. In fact, I had it back and then some. Regulus had never, up until that point, loved me so much as before we'd become intimate. We'd lost something the night Father had urged me into starting this whole messed up ordeal. That school year, though, things were nearly as perfect as they could be. I had to keep most everything a secret, of course, and Regulus and I didn't spend all that much time together in public, but every once and a while I'd sneak down to his dorm and when everyone else was gone from the common room, I'd read to him while he fell asleep on my lap. Or we'd meet randomly in hallways on our way to classes and we'd shrink behind tapestries and kiss each other silly.

"I was happy. I thought things were perfect, but of course it couldn't last. Partially because I'm an idiot and mostly because our parents always ruined everything for me."

"Have we gotten to your flight to James's house yet?"

"Almost Lily, first there was the summer. I was midway through my teen years, Regulus still a good three to four or so years behind me depending on the month, and remember, we hadn't actually had real sex yet.

"Well, my parents saw fit to change that. God only knows how they'd figured just how far Regulus and I had gotten. I think this was the last ditch attempt to get me to cooperate with their pureblood mania before they brought out the big guns. It was the first night back from Hogwarts and I'd carried both Regulus's and my own trunks up into my room. Then I returned back to the entryway for my brother, who was falling asleep against the wall.

"'You're so cute, Reggie,' I said, and I picked him up and carried him carefully up the stairs. Holding his gentle weight just felt so perfect.

"But when I got to his room, intending to lay him down in his own bed and curl up next to him while he napped, I ran right into my father, who was standing in Regulus's doorway, my mother behind him. Immediately I set Regulus down and gently patted his cheek to wake him back up. He blinked blearily a few times, but then, upon seeing my parents, fell back into his old habit (the one I had seen so little of at school) of shrinking back into me and averting his eyes.

"My father seemed exasperated, and my mother…well, indifferent. Father reached out and yanked Regulus away from me. He pulled him into the room and I had no choice but to follow. I had not willingly left Regulus alone with either of my parents since the day I recanted my vow to kill him, and I sure did not intent to break that record just then.

"'Okay, Sirius,' was all my father said. He threw my Regulus onto the bed.

"I know now that my parents intended this encounter to be so satisfying for me that I would crave it again and again. They planned, I think, to get me addicted to my brother in a whole new way and then hold him over my head. Probably something along the lines of saying that they would not let him live with me when I was of age if I did not shape up immediately. Perhaps they would have gone so far as to threaten to get rid of him, send him away or maybe even kill him. But those were not thoughts that I had time for at that moment.

"I don't think I even need to mention to you that the evening did not go so well. Regulus; I was much more focused on myself, but I think I remember him being scared out of his wits. He always caught on to things so much faster than I did. He had probably figured that Mother and Father being in his room with us was a terrible, terrible thing for him. His mind must have been flashing back to that first night with Father pulling him up out of bed and all but throwing me at him.

"He'd curled himself up in a little ball and though he might have been twelve at the time, he looked to me no bigger than that night that he had been ten.

"My parents are foreboding people, Lily, even to an adult. I was just sixteen and they were very much a frightening presence when either of them got into one of their moods. I remember trying desperately to appeal to my Mother, who was usually the more rational of the two, but she was leaning against the wall, one arm crossed over her chest and the other guiding a cigarette to her mouth. She whispered harshly, 'For God's sake, Orion, this was your idea, now go through with it. It's not like he's ever going to do it on his own.'

"I ignored that she was speaking about me as if I weren't there. It wasn't urgent at the moment.

"It didn't take me too much longer to clue in on what was going to happen. And it wasn't that I didn't want to make love to Regulus, it was quite the opposite. I wanted to very badly, but I wanted to wait. Lily, he was so little! That protective instinct in me had come back much stronger than it had ever been, and part of it already wanted to kick my ass for doing with Regulus what I had been over the years. Actual, physical sex was something I had been planning on bringing up years down the road, when I deemed him old enough.

"And I wasn't so mean a person as I had been when I was littler. If you haven't caught on, being away from my parents every year had…well it didn't get rid of what I was, but it did hide it nicely under a façade of decency. I wanted to make love with Regulus one day, like lovers do. I did not want to simply take him and I certainly did not want to do this against his will. I remembered all too well that crushing horror I had felt the last time I'd been too rough with him. If I broke him again, if we went through another horrible night like the one that summer, I was positive he would never forgive me. We would never be able to bounce back from that.

"But my parents had different ideas. Now, this night exists in major contrast in my memory. Parts of it, I blocked out, mostly small intervals, so some of it's a little choppy. Other instances, however, I can remember down to the minute details, and exist in my mind as a blow by blow account.

"For instance, I don't remember much of how it started. I can remember it was very dark, just like it always seemed it was. The smoke from my mother's cigarette was sickening me, and my parents lit no lights. I remember that my father pinned me against the side of Regulus's bed and all I could focus on were my brother's eyes. His eyes shining in the dark and suddenly I very much wanted to learn if there were freckles in my eyes as well that would align perfectly with his every time we kissed. It seemed so depressing in that instant that I still didn't know that. I was crushed by the feeling and I wished very much that I had thought to look. I was filled with a sudden dread that something was about to die for good.

"Regulus, I think, had been emboldened a little by his adventures at school. Meeting so many new people had brought out talents in him he had never known he had. People acted like he was normal, the teachers had certainly seemed to love him. He had been looked on with respect and equality and now he knew that this dark place in which we lived was most assuredly not okay, that it was twisted and deranged. It had long since been proven to him (because understanding on an intellectual level that something is true and seeing the proof for yourself are two different states of acceptance) that normal families did not do this to each other, and now he expected me to protect him. Instead of going along with it like I always had before, he expected me to put a stop to it. To pull out my wand, if I had to."

Lily couldn't stop herself. "So all this time, you've been bitching about how your brother could never stand up to your parents, but it was you who didn't have the guts to do one decent thing in your entire life."

Sirius had no answer for her. He stared straight into her eyes for several long seconds, before pulling his gaze to the side, and that was all the answer she needed.

"The next few minutes are missing from my memory. It was all sort of a blur. Father held Regulus down and pulled off every stitch of clothing he had on. Regulus thrashed and fought all the while, he was probably wondering why I didn't stop Father and at least do it myself. I knew how much he hated being touched by that man. I didn't move, though, only watched in fascination. You see, a small part of me—a part I'll admit was rapidly growing—was coming to accept what was happening next. I sometimes slipped into old habits too, and letting my father guide me through these sorts of things was one of them. One I had hoped never to revisit, but still it was there.

"Now I said I was fascinated, and that was partly because, despite my love for Regulus, I was insanely curious. I wanted to know what it would be like. I wanted to cross that final barrier. I had already resigned myself that my parents were going to make it happen either way, so why not enjoy myself? I had reasoned out, as well, that surely this, this final hurtle to get over, would guarantee Regulus be mine for life. How could he ever leave me after I claimed him so completely?

"I know it didn't make sense, but I so wanted it to at the time. It was rationalization, I know, but it was all I had, the only other option being to call up some bravery from a deep well of courage within myself and stand up to my father. Such reserve chivalry, however, it turns out I didn't have. I climbed up onto the bed with such a greedy look on my face. Again I got to see my brother naked, and he was even more delectable than the last time. There was just a little bit more muscle, just the tiniest bit more shape to his physique. I wouldn't have been surprised if my mouth was watering.

"As was usual, I didn't remove much clothing. I undid my trousers just enough for this all to work. My mother, who I had almost forgotten was in the room, caught a glimpse of me and I remember she whistled, complimenting me. It should have made my face burn, but it didn't.

"Regulus made a last ditch effort to get out of this with minimal damage. He leaned down like he was going to do what he was so used to doing, but Father stopped him. He said something to him, something harsh and cruel, but I can't remember what it was, or maybe I just don't want to.

"Then it was like I was a little kid all over again. Father was instructing me so calmly and carefully. Regulus was in a fully-fledged panic mode at this point, but I think he was so frightened his muscles had all seized up. He didn't try to get away anymore.

"Father was the one who prepared him, and he did it none to gently, I remember. Regulus shivered because his hands were cold, and he cried out because they were unlubricated. I was no expert, by far, but even I was aware that the way he was going about this was doing Regulus no favors. My father ignored his feeble protests, perhaps not out of cruelty, but because he had even managed to convince himself that Regulus wasn't a person, that he didn't have feelings or the ability to comprehend pain.

"In and out he went, and he demonstrated this odd scissoring motion. As painful as his preparation of Regulus was, I wish he had done it for longer, because Regulus was not stretched enough for me

"I did exactly as Father said. I let him help me align my hips, and then I started to enter. I hadn't gotten much further than the head before Regulus was outright begging me to quit. It hurt, he insisted. He asked me why I wouldn't stop. I don't think I had ever heard him string together quite so many words before. To be frank, it scared me, angered me almost.Regulus didn't talk so much, so what the hell was going on? Surely this squirming body beneath me couldn't belong to my little brother; it wasn't behaving in the correct manner.

"That brief, unseated fear that I had, that this was surely a poorly constructed doppelganger of my Regulus was something that my ego ran off with, immediately employing that rationalization defense mechanism again in full swing. This wasn't really Regulus, so it was okay, but at the same time it looked like Regulus, so it was acceptable for me to do it. It wasn't cheating, I could claim confusion.

"Do you see how unhinged my mind was at the moment? It harbored such ridiculous thoughts. I have trouble believing it even now, but that's how it happened. Bottom line is I pushed all rational thought to the back of my mind, maybe even further than that, and let myself get lost in the feeling. I started to thrust in a little deeper, because my current position would never do, but I didn't get very far before I yelped and actually clapped a hand to my mouth.

"It hurt. It really hurt. I couldn't believe it, it was supposed to feel good, wasn't it? Well, maybe not so much for Regulus, but for me, certainly. In one erratic movement, I had yanked myself out of my brother and began the momentous task of leveling out my breathing, because it sounded like I had just run a fucking mile. I was panting and even shaking a little. I assume it was all because Regulus was so small and because Father had done a poor job getting him ready for me, but I suppose I should also acknowledge the possibility that Regulus himself was deploying some kind of defense strategy. I have no doubt he had the magical prowess to hurt me, but at the time, I had just never suspected that he everwould. I still don't know."

"Why don't you ask him about it?" Lily suggested quietly. Her voice was hoarse, as if she were the one who had been talking almost constantly for the better part of two hours.

Sirius looked at her incredulously. "Are you serious?" he almost laughed. "Ask Regulus about an event that happened more than half a decade ago? He wouldn't remember…"

"You do," Lily pointed out. She was curled up in a tight ball on the very edge of the sofa now, her chin resting on the knees of her pajama pants.

"Yes, well, Regulus was in a state of panic, you have to understand. Even if he did deploy his magic to hurt me like that, he might not even have realized he was doing it. And it hadn't left him unaffected, either. As soon as I was off him, curled up slightly on myself, Regulus's hands reached down so fast they were almost a blur. He was whimpering and trying to rub the pain away. He started to roll into a little ball again, but my father grabbed him, and rolled him onto his stomach.

"Up until that point, Regulus had been on his back, it was the last piece of dignity that had been left for him. Now it was gone, though. I looked up again, with tear filled eyes, and noted this in my mind.

"I wish it had just been left at that, catalogued as a failed attempt and filed away as something to warrant further consideration in the future. I am sure that, if at that moment my father had decided it wasn't feasible yet, that we needed more time, I would never have left Reggie. You see, we were both hurting, we were almost on even ground. I would have left the house that very night and I would have taken him with me.

"But of course that didn't happen, you know that already. And you already know that my parents' endeavor did succeed. Father held Regulus down by the shoulders and I slowly regained my composure. I looked only once at my father's face to see that there was no getting out of this. I didn't even bother double checking with a look to my mother, I only resigned myself.

"So I climbed on top of Regulus again, and tried a second time. It seemed to take forever, but I managed to enter him completely, and believe me, he fought me every inch of the way to the best of his ability. He thrashed and screamed hoarsely, calling me names I didn't know he even knew. It made Mother laugh. He managed to dislodge me completely several times, despite Father's hold on him, but each time his reward was only a harsher reentrance.

"Being unable to see Regulus's face now that he lay on his stomach, coupled with his uncharacteristic yelling and movement, kind of deleted his identity from my mind. It was like I didn't recognize him anymore, and that made it okay, enjoyable even, once I'd gotten past the initial pain.

"Erm, I'm not sure how much of a detailed, as it were blow-by-blow account, you want, but overall the whole thing was pretty raw. There had been no lubrication for me either, and I scraped myself with every motion. I suffered through it, though—"

"Yeah, you really fucking suffered!"

"And over time…it started to get slicker, easier. It dawned on me that I was making Regulus bleed and that this impromptu lubrication of sorts was making my life a whole lot easier."

"I can't fucking believe you—"

"Regulus had run out of fight after a while, and was pressing his face down hard into the mattress—the pillow had long since been knocked off—he stretched his hands out feebly to grasp the headboard in an attempt to steady himself, because I was pushing him around quite a bit. Every muscle in his body was high strung to the point of snapping. He was covered in a thick sheen of sweat and trembling. Eventually the strength ran out in his arms, though, and when his elbows bent, the force of what I was doing sent him careening those last few inches, headfirst into the wood with a resounding smack. I didn't even break rhythm. By that point I was out of my own mind, controlled completely by an intense pleasure. I said no words, but I'm sure I still made a lot of noise. I am glad, to this day, that I either did not hear, or can no longer remember hearing what my mother must have said. I imagine the very memory would make me hurl.

"I had thought that Regulus had been complacent before, when his energy had first died down, but now he was nearly catatonic, that last blow to the head being the final straw on his already strained body. I leaned forward, clawing my fingers into his shoulders, and finished. I spasmed a few times and then collapsed, shaking and completely boneless. It was such a high that black dots were swarming my vision.

"My father gave a small laugh of approval, and when I could see properly again I looked up from where I lay on top of my brother, and noticed my mother had left sometime earlier. I concentrated again on my father. He nodded at me once and then smirked as I resituated my clothing. He must have thought he had won, that they had me now, that I surely must think there was no rebellion on this planet worth giving this up.

"And for a while there, he was right."

"What do you mean?" asked Lily, taking in shaky breaths.

"I mean that after I was once again presentable, I stood up off the bed on sort of shaky legs. My father steadied me with a hand on my shoulder and began to lead me out the door. He was taking me downstairs to my mother, she was getting some papers lined out. Plans for my future were going to be made. Betrothal suggestions, housing possibilities, class choices, that sort of thing. My father stepped in front of me as we crossed the threshold, and I was about to follow him, now fairly steady on my own two legs, when I heard Regulus call out behind me.

"'Sirius!' he sobbed, and again I was struck by the volume his voice had reached. When I looked back I saw him there, tiny, vulnerable, and looking utterly miserable. We had never gotten under the blankets, so he wasn't covered by anything. I noted almost with detachment the traces of blood on his hands, on the comforter beneath him, and on his forehead.

"He was screaming, and my Regulus never screamed. He very nearly ripped his throat apart from the inside out yelling that I hadto come back, please I couldn't leave him. He said that I couldn't abandon him. Screamed it, actually, and it was because he was screaming that I looked at him with a certain coldness in my heart. This was not my Reggie anymore, for my Reggie was quiet and sweet and knew to do what I wanted.

"But still, as we locked eyes, he continued to beg. He asked for only one thing, really, he wanted me to come back to his room when I was done talking with Mother and Father. To return, at some point during that night and comfort him, explain that I still loved him with all of my heart, an expression that, up until that moment, had been true. It wasn't that I had loved Regulus more than I had loved anyone else; it was that he quite literally had all the love that was mine to give. I loved no one else, not even my friends, not really. He insisted, (and for this one sentence his voice dropped back to that quiet whisper I knew so well) 'I'll never forgive you, not if you don't come back.'

"I stood there, taking in the oncoming silence that followed Regulus's outburst and breathing deeply. Then, slowly, I nodded once, a small movement really, but a promise nonetheless…and I followed my father out of the room. He didn't comment on my brother's words and neither did I, but instead he led me downstairs to my mother, where our planning began.

"I imagine we laid out nearly my whole future that night. Certainly enough of it to kill most of the mystery there is associated with growing up, but whatever. I was all for it at the moment, and believe it if you will, I was actually planning on keeping my promise and going back to Regulus like he'd demanded, if only to show him my disapproval at his yelling. It was something that would have to go before he moved in with me, which was only a couple years away by that point.

"But that's when the letter came, and that ruined everything, because if I had gone back to Regulus then, like I had planned, for better or worse we would have made up. As things happened, however, I got about midway back up the staircase from the drawing room when my mother called me back sweetly.

"'Sirius,' she said. 'This letter came for you just a moment before you came down. Big, pretty grey owl brought it over.'"

Sirius stopped talking. Lily gave him thirty seconds before demanding abruptly, "What? Why'd you—Sirius, keep going!"

"I'm sorry," he laughed bitterly and ran a hand through his hair. "It's just I don't know if I should tell you, it might make you angry with—"

"The letter's from James, isn't it?" Lily asked, exasperated.

"Yes," Sirius admitted.

"Well? Did it say Sirius come hang with me but be sure to leave your emotionally damaged brother alone with your two sociopathic parents so he can be driven into such misery that joining Voldemort looks like a decent option. Love, James…?"

"No," said Sirius slowly. "But…"

"Then, strangely enough, my blame still attaches itself to you," Lily barked, sitting up on her knees. She looked to be on the verge of grabbing Sirius by his shirt collar and shaking him. "Now keep talking, goddammit!"

"Okay, right…right, sorry. So here's what happened next. I don't really remember much of the letter. It was just the usual stuff. 'Hi, I'm bored already, what's up with you? Do you want to come visit sometime?' That sort of thing. But still, it was from James and I just, I mean my mind was all over the place that night. The letter from James induced this inexplicable euphoria within me, and I immediately dashed back up to my room to respond to it.

"I…I wrote back. I've no idea what I said, but I sent the letter off with my owl. She took off out the window and I just sat down on my bed. Only for a second! I wanted to rest for a few moments, I was tired.

"Only I blinked once…and when my eyes were open again, it was the next day. I'd fallen asleep, Lily. And as soon as I was awake I realized with a horror that I had broken my promise to Regulus. He had undoubtedly sat up all night waiting for me, because it was in his nature to do something like that. And I hadn't shown up.

"I cursed myself. I'd fucked things up, how was I supposed to fix things this time? I would have to apologize, for starters.

"But I didn't get the chance to, I just…that morning my uncle came by. You know my Uncle Alphard? Well, he's always had a bit of a preference for me. He never gave Regulus the time of day, but me he adored for some reason. Backwards, isn't it? I guess he just wasn't so good at reading people as he thought, but he was constantly under the impression that getting me away from my parents and the rest of the wizarding world on a regular basis would turn me into a decent person."

"Such experiences were obviously unnecessary for Regulus," Lily scoffed.

"Don't think too lowly of my uncle. He meant well, he just…maybe didn't execute his plans too well. But the point is that he was waiting down at the kitchen table for me to wake up. I've no idea where my parents were; still sleeping, out shopping, prowling around the Ministry, it didn't matter. I was alone in the kitchen with my uncle and Regulus was nowhere to be found. I'd stopped by his room, but he hadn't been in it. The kitchen had been my next place to look.

"I displayed some amount of shock at seeing my uncle there, and then immediately asked him if he'd seen my brother. The sooner I got to Regulus, or so I thought, the more quickly he would forgive me. Then I could kiss him once, maybe hug him, ditch this horrific guilt and get on with my life.

"But Uncle Alphard seemed to not even know who I was talking about. He caught on a second later, laughing, 'Oh, yes, Reginald, right…the little one. No, I haven't seen him. But you, my Gryffindor nephew, I have a big surprise for you! Sort of a welcome home for the summer present, if you will.'

"I cocked my head to the side and asked, 'what?' Then in that paternal manner he'd always reserved for me, my uncle beckoned me closer and put a hand on my shoulder. He whispered in my ear that he had reserved an estate in Paris for the next week and a half and that I and however many of my friends I could scrounge up were going to go stay there in France, drink as much wine as we wanted, and if I understood his subtle hinting at all, have it on with as many French girls as we could find."

"France!" Lily moaned, grinding her palm into her forehead. "How could I have forgotten? James didn't shut up about that trip for months. Hell, he still talks about it sometimes. I had no idea that it—Jesus."

"Yeah," said Sirius. "Well…we left. As in, right then, no hesitation, no packing, nothing. We just flooed over to James's, unannounced. Uncle Alphard exchanged some words with James's parents while he and I dashed around alerting all of our closest friends. Peter couldn't go because his mother was paranoid about the French, I remember, but Remus was in and we also took several other fellow Gryffindors. If you had still been in school at the time I'm sure we would have remembered you and invited you as well."

"Because I had nothing better to do at the time than frolic along with a bunch of sixteen year olds. Right."

For a second, Sirius didn't say anything.

"Why didn't you take your brother along?" asked Lily curiously. "I would think that would make a good first part of your apology."

Sirius swirled the wine bottle around in a slow circle, watching the last of the alcohol slosh around at the bottom. "I don't know," he mumbled. "I'm trying to think…I guess it…I guess I didn't want him around my friends, or I wanted to be just with my friends. In that instant, it just seemed like it'd be lame to have him tagging along."

"So you didn't even think to contact him? Sirius, didn't you just say that you didn't even know where he was?"

"I don't know, Lily! It's not like I'm the only person in the world who ever blew off their younger brother to hang with their friends! It's just what people do."

"You didn't even know where he was," Lily hissed. "Sirius, he was missing, for god's sake, didn't that concern you?"

"Well it's not like was five," said Sirius indignantly. "He was almost thirteen, he could take care of himself!"

"And you believe that?" asked Lily coldly. "You believe what you're saying right now?"

"Of course I do."

"You're crying."

"No, I'm not," said Sirius hastily. He frantically rubbed his eyes.

"Yes, you are," Lily insisted. She leaned forward and grabbed his wrists to make him stop. "What…what happened when you came back?"

"My parents," Sirius coughed briefly. "My parents were not pleased. My uncle hadn't told them, you see, he waited until we were already out of the country before sending them word that he'd taken me vacationing. And well…they don't like being left out of the loop very much. I don't know what they were thinking exactly, probably that this kind of behavior was counterproductive to what they needed me to be. It was like they finally snapped and went a little berserk on me. When I came home, alone because Uncle Alphard had no intention of getting into a screaming match with his brother-in-law, it wasn't pretty.

"I don't know where Regulus was that first morning when I was looking for him, but he was safe at home when I returned from France. He was in the kitchen eating sweets, actually. I remember that was the first thing I noticed. My brother, my shadow, was seated at the head of the dinner table at four in the afternoon, snacking on cakes and soft drinks. My jaw almost dropped. I rarely got to destroy my dinner appetite with junk food, since when did Regulus?

"And that's when the screaming started. It wasn't just the impromptu vacation, or the running off without telling them. They dragged up every misdemeanor I'd ever performed, dating all the way back to my school sorting. I was a failure, an embarrassment.

"None of these insults were new to me, of course, I'd heard them all a dozen times, but there was one thing that hadn't been present before: comparison to Regulus. Suddenly Mother and Father were citing him as the example of a perfect son. Look at how obedient Regulus was, look at how well-mannered. Regulus was in Slytherin like everyone else, Regulus wasn't friends with the wrong sorts of people (my attempts to counter that by mentioning that Regulus was friends with no one at all were all met with more insults and several threats of physical violence).

"Lily you can't possibly imagine how confused I was, this was such a change of tactics. And the whole time while my parents and I, standing face to face in the entryway to the kitchen, shouted loud enough to shake the portraits on the walls, Regulus was silent. I could see him easily from where I stood, and he just sat there, frozen. He stared at us all with this helpless look on his face, but not once did he speak. I'm not sure, exactly, what I thought he should have said to defend me at the time, but now I realize there's not much he could have said. What had I expected? Him to get up and stand next to me, scream that Mother and Father had no right to treat me like this? After what I'd done to him? I never imagined it then, but how must he have felt when, after what went down that night, not only did I not go back to him, but instead I disappeared altogether?

"So he didn't stand up for me, and honestly it wouldn't have been much help if he had, and I suppose I had it coming, but I saw it as a sort of betrayal. He was supposed to be mine, loyal to me, and here he was in league with the enemy: our parents.

"And that's how it began, that's when Regulus was suddenly the golden child. My parents started bending over backwards for him. He got affection and privileges I had never had, and it enraged me to no end. I started to hate him, instead of hating Mother and Father, who were honestly the real causes of my distress. It was just easier for me to take out my anger on the thin child four years my junior than on the parents who had control over every aspect of my life and future.

"Really, though, all the sudden attention confused Regulus. And of course he understood its origins better than I did. He knew that it was all false, and I don't think he understood why I didn't comprehend that fact as well; why I didn't realize that my parents were just trying to get me riled up and jealous. If I had caved to them right then and there, they would have never given Regulus a second thought again. He was a tool to them, but I didn't see it.

"When we went school shopping my parents didn't come to Diagon Alley with us, only sent Regulus with money, all of which I took from him, leaving him to beg borrow or steal his supplies. I don't know what he ended up doing. I told you that the two times we went shopping together were good days for me but that was a lie. The first was genuine, because I spent so much of it with my Regulus at my heels, but this one, I left him alone in the street and ran fast to James and Peter, both of whom I'd seen standing by the ice cream shop. There was a reason I'd taken more than my share of money. I figured I was going to need it, because I was never going home."

Sirius's voice trailed off and a tangible silence engulfed the room. Then Lily took a deep breath.

"And I guess that's the part where you're officially out of the picture?"

"Yes," Sirius confirmed. "I saw Regulus only a few times after that. He was waiting for me outside Gryffindor tower the first night back to school. He came bounding up to me, looking like he was going to fucking throw his arms around me or something and I just remember how I couldn't let him. My friends were there, for god's sake, I'd have looked like a total loser."

Lily raised an eyebrow. "If you were so cool as you thought you were, you wouldn't have cared what you looked like."

Sirius rolled his eyes, but his heart wasn't in the expression.

"He tried again, you know. I mean, I sidestepped disaster that one time, but he didn't give up. He sent me letters; some I read, some I burned, and some I sent back unopened. They tapered off after a while. He caught up with me in Hogsmeade once, to drop off my Christmas present. Fucking Remus was with me at the moment and he was too nice to tell Regulus to fuck off. Took the gift from him and thanked him for me, like I was some little kid who didn't understand how to say the words yet—"

Lily cut him off sharply, "what'd he get you?" she asked eagerly.

Sirius blinked a few times. "A—a fucking stupid, girly thing. It was—if I remember correctly—this damn ugly necklace. Some gaudy lion emblem on a rope string. I don't know where he got such a terrible looking piece of jewelry. Most professionals do a better job than that. It was all frayed and whatnot, and the paint job was a little uneven—" Sirius stopped himself.

"So after a while he stopped trying to reach out to you?" asked Lily. "He gave up?"

"Yeah I guess," Sirius shrugged.

"So he gave up, and joined the ranks for, I don't know, some sense of belonging or…what?"

Sirius brushed his leg harshly, swiping at some invisible dust. "Fuck if I know," he griped. "I told you, I don't understand ninety percent of the shit that kid does. God only knows why he does anything."

"You love him," said Lily simply.

"The fuck are you saying?" asked Sirius testily.

"Listen to yourself, Sirius, you've contradicted yourself so many times it's comical. You might not want to admit to it, but Reggie is your everything. These last few years? Well, you're just a masochist," she smiled a little.

"He's not my anything anymore. I don't need my family, Lily, I cut off all ties with them years ago." Sirius insisted.

"No," Lily countered. "That's a stupid way to think, Sirius. You cut off from their ideals (and we'll just forget that it was for less than noble reasons) not from them. Especially not from Regulus. Come on, man, can't you learn to separate people out of these all encompassing labels you churn out? Hating someone because they're in an 'evil' family is just as ridiculous as hating a person for impure blood. You could be fucked to practice what you preach."

For a moment Sirius was silent, then: "You know…I actually haven't been completely honest. I think I DO know why Reggie did it. Joined Voldemort, I mean, and it had nothing to do with our parents or blood supremacy or anything along those lines. It was always so obvious, I just didn't care too much to pay attention. You see, Lily, he wanted to protect me. He truly believed, somewhere deep in his heart that if our side won the war, I would protect him, no matter how much I'd said I hated him; I would take him in and plead his case, save him from the dementors, from the anger of those left alive amongst us. He thought I had his back, you know? So can you guess it? Do you know why he did it? No one else in the world ever mattered to Regulus, not wizards or muggles or anyone in between; it was only ever me. Do you understand?"

"Yes," Lily said softly. "Yeah, no I do, I think I do. He was doing the same thing that he thought you were doing for him. He knew there was a chance Voldemort would win. He wanted to be there when he did, so he could plead sanctuary for you. So he could request from Voldemort the life of his renegade brother." She laughed bitterly, "And why wouldn't Voldemort grant him that? Regulus might not have been a useful Death Eater in the field, but he was the perfect pureblood poster child for Voldemort's regime. Surely he would give Regulus one small gift in return for helping him take the world. I imagine Regulus asking for your life to be spared would be small compared to what most of the other Death Eaters would demand for their years of service. I believe what you said, Sirius, about Regulus not caring about anyone else. It makes perfect sense that he would have detachment, totalapathy for this civil war as a whole. All he ever wanted was you!"

And with that, Lily grabbed Sirius's arm and yanked him forward harshly. She shoved her hand down his shirt and clasped her hand around something metallic. Sirius closed his eyes in defeat.

With a soft smile, Lily pulled out her hand and opened it, staring with interest at Regulus's tiny, homemade lion necklace.

Section lll:

"I'm going to go up to bed now, Lily, okay?"

Lily nodded and curled up on the couch, preparing to sleep there for the night. Sirius walked slowly up the creaking stairs. Mindlessly, he guided himself straight to his bedroom where he found Regulus still awake and sitting cross-legged near the headboard.

"Hey," Sirius noted. "I thought you were dying for sleep?"

Regulus looked up at him and stared for a moment, trying to discern his older brother's mood. Finally, he smiled. "I couldn't sleep…without you here. So I was waiting."

"How cute," Sirius commented. He stripped off his clothing and motioned for Regulus to do the same. He left his necklace on.

Catlike, Sirius crawled onto the bed and stretched himself out over his brother. With wide eyes, Regulus reached out a tentative hand to grasp at Sirius's necklace. His fingers ran over the braided rope cord, faded and frayed from years of being worn.

It can't be true, it can't be true.

Regulus shook himself out of his useless dreams and resigned himself for Sirius's coldness to resurface; and for a moment, it did. Sirius went at him hungrily, muttering reprimands into his neck and shoulders. Where did Lily get off talking to him like that, anyway? Regulus was his, was always his, his to do with as he damn well wanted.

Then Sirius made either a huge mistake, or perhaps it was the best decision of his life: he didn't flip Regulus over onto his stomach, instead choosing to keep him on his back so they were face to face. And there they stayed, chest to chest and closer than close, Sirius still with a death grip on his brother, like Regulus was trying to get away but it had been nearly a decade since he last attempted to run.

Regulus was on his back and so Sirius could see his eyes. Panting slightly from exertion, he paused what he was doing and looked directly to Regulus's face. Regulus was crying. Pain, sadness, anger, frustration, it didn't matter. There were slick tears gliding out of the corner of his eyes. Silently, of course, because Regulus was always so very, very quiet, but they were there and Sirius could see them.

And suddenly he was reminded painfully, almost forcefully, of that night so many years ago. The night he had told Lily about; the night when Regulus hid from him in the attic. Sirius was struck by how little his brother had changed over the years. He was taller, yes, but only slightly wider, and his face was exactly the same as it had been that night. That night the moon had shone behind him and cast his face in shadow, but Sirius knew this was the look his brother had worn.

You found me. You found me. I knew you would. Death for the deserter, death for he who tries to run.

It was as if the words had been spoken out loud, and for a moment Sirius was sickened that his brother would think he, Regulus, was the one prone to desertion. Sirius leaned more heavily on his arms, taking his weight off Regulus. He looked hard into Regulus's eyes, looked past the shimmering cover of tears and saw again those six or seven little freckles flecked near the irises. Sirius blinked hard, wondering why, still after all these years, he was unable to say if his eyes matched his brother's or not. He had still never looked.

A familiar yet long absent feeling spread outward from Sirius's very core. He now held his eyes wide open. Regulus had not cried so hard during…had not cried so much because of Sirius since he had dragged him down from the attic at Grimmauld and back to his room.

Slowly, Sirius put one hand on the side of Regulus's face and felt him lean into it. Slowly, he leaned closer and closer until his cheek rested against his brother's, warm skin on skin. Slowly and slowly…

…and for once he pauses and really thinks.

end chapter three

/end final

Well that's the actual end, and proof of my own insanity. Again I would just like to mention that none of what this story contains is acceptable behavior. Instead of being so supportive and understanding, James and Lily really should have called the, uh, wizard police force, or whatever, and then gotten Regulus to a psychiatrist FAST. But that would have been, mostly likely, a very boring story, and it wouldn't have fit at all within the boundaries of the request this fic was based on. (If you're wondering, the prompt I was forced to use—I mean 'given', was: "Regulus lives. He, Lily, James, and Sirius all end up bunked together in a safe house. Peter is redeemed off screen. Remus makes no appearances. Lily and James are not together [please make James slashy and in denial], and while you're at it, can Sirius please be screwing his brother?") I mean, I think I did pretty well covering all these bases!

Also I feel like in my haste to focus on Sirius and Regulus I almost entirely ignored Lily and James as characters and I apologize for that. They're quite one dimensional and static, aren't they? And they don't seem to take the war or the threat the Death Eaters pose very seriously, but I guess that's okay. They are young…and I mean this story isn't primarily about the darkness of the war, it was supposed to expose the darkness of Sirius and Regulus's minds as being much more terrifying than any guerilla warfare they might end up facing. I probably failed in that regard, oh well, maybe that's something I'll go back and fix one day. Put it on my massive to-do list!

Like everything I write, feel free to take it and do whatever you want with it. Acknowledgment or credit is always nice, though.

As always, review if you want, or flame me…oh god, how many flames am I going to get for this story?It is just a story! Please remember this. Don't go taking the internet TOO seriously now.

On a random notethis third chapter is way too long…disproportionately long, but how else was I supposed to break it up? Originally it was all just one massive LJ post. I only separated it when I moved it here because I thought a fifty thousand word one shot on this site might be pushing it…? As if anyone actually read the whole thing, anyway! Whatever, good night everyone, I'm tired.