A Thousand Reasons

Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia Axis Powers, but I do own my overly random plotline and any OCs I throw in.

Chapter 37: Interlude: Memories Breaking Free (aka Broken Time)

It happens abruptly.

So abruptly it almost feels like a manipulation, like the thoughts aren't their own, and for a moment they are absolutely terrified because they feel like they don't know their own mind.

There's no particular moment where they could say they were focusing on one thing or another, but it's a migraine inducing flurry of images bursting forth from a dam that had been worn away at the cracks.

There's another country in the living room. He came with France's friend Spain, so he has to be a country right? Canada shyly peaks around the corner, Kumajiro in his arms, and lets out a startled squeak as their eyes meet.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Canada!"

"…Your name is Ca Nada?"

"No! It's Canada!"

A soft smile, shared between the two. "You're weird."

"So are you! I don't even know your name!"

"I'm Romano Italia. You probably know Veneziano, he's the one the other countries brag about that supposedly inherited Grandpa Rome's legacy."

Canada tilts his head. "Why wouldn't they think you inherited it? You're basically the namesake."

"…You're so weird." Somehow, it comes out lighthearted and not ill meant, like maybe it meant more to Romano that Canada had said as much and meant it when they talked.

Romano.

Romano. How could they forget Romano?

Yet there in the blurred images, the shadows clinging in the background of the memories, the haze starts to lift and the child grew and remained always in the shadow of Veneziano.

Prussia looks at Romano, studying him.

"You sure you want to do this?"

"It's not like he's here to notice. The age of empires is ending; even you can feel it and you're only an empire because your people are stubborn. You'll never die just because they're so proud of being one of yours. Besides…" There's a pause and a shaky breath that makes Prussia's heart hurt for the teenager the nation in front of him is as opposed to the hundreds of years old nation that all the others saw. It took a lot for nations to make that distinction, but Prussia could see that Romano was already well aware of the human in the nation. "…I need time to figure out who I am without him, since it's obvious that he'll never see me."

Prussia could respect that, but, "A doctor?"

"Family actually. I met the man a long time ago and his family has been a large part of figuring out who I am not only as a nation but as a human as well. They taught me what I should be as a sibling, friend, and family member. I never knew how much I needed that until they actually gave me what I was missing here."

What could he say to that? There was no defending what Spain, Britain, and the other empires did, especially in the wake of the new age so clearly dawning before them. Canada, France's little nation was taken in by Britain, Spain was busy with Mexico and fighting Portugal and Britain, Britain's other upstart nation America was creating allies, taking some of the best ideas, ideals, and possibly even people* from other nations in ways that would take the world by a storm.

Prussia just sighed and ruffled Romano's hair. "What I don't know I can't tell, so don't tell me anymore."

The beaming smile from Romano was absolutely worth the hell he was going to get when Spain got back and found his little Italy missing, but the kid needs someone around who cares. Prussia won't ever be that person, he strongly suspects that he and Romano are either too alike or too different to ever get along, but he knows that right now Espana can't be that person either.

It could almost be a manipulation. It feels like a manipulation.

Yet each new memory brings forth more than knowledge of the one they lost, had abandoned. It brought forth emotions that could only have been felt by the shadow that banished itself in the outskirts of the nations, a shadow of a nation that chose humanity over its own role in the balance, a shadow that condemned them and yet that they had forsaken long before the choice had ever been made.

"Little Italy, do not cry so. You must be happy, you are all the good that will continue to thrive, the very life of the people that are yours to protect, and sometimes you will have to remind your siblings that happiness is important."

"Ve~! Grandpa Rome~! How? How can I be happy all the time? All my brothers are jerks."

Is that what I am, fratello? What am I supposed to be, Grandpa?

"You'll always have your siblings, especially Romano. He's there to be with you, he's the other half of your country."

Hope. If one looked closely, in the background, hidden by a tree and some bushes was another child, the child who felt abandoned when Rome took Veneziano, the child who wanted nothing more than family.

"Really? Romano?"

"He was born to protect you. You're my legacy; your people have the ideals to go forward in the coming times and your siblings will help you, be there for you, when I cannot be any longer."

Something in that memory burns. The idea that Romano was born solely for Veneziano, the idea that his existence only exists for others, others who could hurt him, twist him around and never care, people who might never actually feel anything for him…

"Are you sure you don't want to tell them you're female?"

"Prussia, I'm not ready, I'm not sure I'll ever be ready. You see how they treat me as a male, even that idiota Espana can barely tolerate me."

"Just because you are female doesn't make you lesser, you are as good as any man and in many ways you are worth more than that. The other nations would come to accept…"

"That I'm a liar?" She cut him off. "They would come to accept what? My gender? That I've hidden who I am for so long, that I pretend to be male? I don't need them to accept that when they cannot even accept who I am in personality."

"I accept you. Yeah, but you also helped me continue hiding my gender and helped me when no one else would have dared."

"Spain is a friend, but that doesn't mean he's always right."

"As long as I look like a boy, I can hide. I can be safe. I can protect the ones I love and no one will ever know or judge me for how I choose to do that. If I have to call the mafia to eliminate every threat to all I hold dear, I don't fucking care. I don't care if I never have their respect, their love, or their trust. If they never trust me again, it won't stop me from doing all that I can for those who have some semblance of emotion for who I am as an individual. It took me so long to learn what the human in the nation meant that I refuse to forsake that now that I know for certain."

Prussia sighed, but smiled at Romano. She didn't have to be ready, she didn't need their respect, but, "I'm so proud of who you are and what you are becoming, little Roma…"

"Lovina, please, please, call me Lovina. I refuse to let Rome leave a mark where he left none. Everything he had was always for Veneziano, never Romano, I don't want…"

"Lovina," Prussia said softly, eyes gentle as he pulled the young nation in for a hug. "I'm proud of you, and even if you never have anyone else's respect, you have mine. As a nation I may not be able to trust you in the way you wish, but as a human, as Gilbert, I trust you to be the best friend you can be to any who you think worthy of that trust and even of your love….only second to Birdie."

"You know at some point you'll have to tell Mattie, right?"

The memory stops, spinning wildly to the next.

"Who are you?" Prussia asks, confused and delirious.

Fuck it hurts, makes sense because he's slowly losing who he is as a nation, but Lovina had hoped…

"I'm no one, I just wanted to be sure you are alright. Goodbye Prussia."

Prussia doesn't know who that was, but somehow it feels like loss and heartbreak as he watches them walk away.

A cycle of balance, of hurt, mistrust, of self-hate and self-doubt, of incrimination…but also of loyalty, of love, and of few moments far between where there is happiness instead of the aching longing for a place to belong.

"Can't you all just shut up?!" Ludwig shouted. "We're here to discuss the problems of the world, not argue like children! Now call the damn role and make sure we're all here so that we can speed up the damn meeting!"

Lovina took note when Canada said he was there but no one noticed and continued speaking with him in hushed whispers, until she heard, "South Italy?"

"Yo, hamburger bastard," she called patronizingly, causing everyone in the room to turn towards her and Canada.

"Who's the babe and where's South Italy?" asked America, totally confused.

"Mon ami, Mathieu, how could you not introduce such a pretty rose to your papa? Have you no heart?" asked Francis.

"You're the bitch who was on a date with my Matthew!" shouted Gilbert, causing everyone to look at him completely stunned, having had no idea that he was with Matthew and the fact that for once he hadn't referred to himself as awesome.

That did it, Matthew and Lovina looked at each other, their lips twitching into smiles before they both started laughing. It was absurd, them on a date? Yeah they were good friends and could talk to each other, but they would never be more than siblings or something, they could never see the other as a lover.

"Shut the fuck up you unawesome bitch! It's not funny! Matthew belongs to the awesome me; you have no right to take him!" Gilbert shouted, unable to contain his anger as he was further riled up.

That made her stop short, Gilbert just said Matthew was his and nobody else could have him. Who was he to say that when he went around trying to claim other's vital regions and had sex with whoever he wanted. She glared at him before yelling, "Vaffanculo, Gilbert! Matthew can decide on his own who he wants to be with and you have no right to interfere, especially since the unawesome you is always fucking around with someone else. If you don't love him then he has every right to find happiness without you!"

"That still doesn't explain who the fuck you are, bitch," Gilbert growled out.

"He's totally like right, you know? We like have no clue who you like are or like why you're here," said Poland.

"You are like a rose, very beautiful but you have thorns and your language dissuades from your beauty," said Francis.

Lovina sneered and held up her hand to silence Matthew who had been about to defend her. "Shut the fuck up France, I'm not a pretty little whore to fall into your bed or be wooed by your so-called charms, fucking wine bastard. America, you idiota, I am South Italy. Close your fucking mouths before they start catching flies, cause that'd be pretty fucking gross."

It begins to go faster and faster, blurring the closer the time to the present, leaving all those getting memories dizzy and stunned.

"How can I prove it?" asked Antonio, distraught and saddened by his love's unforgiving demeanor. "Tell me what I should do to prove my love, to show you I love only you and have wanted only you for so long? What must be done for you to give me, us, a chance?"

She tilted her head, giving the question thought and turning it over. He was being sincere, of that she could tell, but could she really give him another chance, having given him so many, could she really do it again? What if it only led to disappointment, what if…there where so many what ifs…so many possibilities, she honestly didn't know how to answer because she wanted to say yes and give it a chance just as much as she wanted to say know so she wouldn't have to face possible heartbreak. She nodded her head, deciding she should, because she honestly wanted to know if they could be together, if he could love her as she did him. He would get one more chance, but this time on her terms.

"I will allow you to court me, however you must make your intentions known to me among the humans I currently live with," she said decisively. "You will meet me where I live and we will go out for a month. There will be rules such as not cheating on me or doing things I don't like, but other than that it will be treated as a test. This is a chance you asked for and I will give it, so I won't be signing over Italy today, but if in a month I am still unhappy I shall."

It hurts. It hurts to watch, and they all did. Watch and wait for something to change, but it all continued…and nothing prepared them for the truth.

"So if you had to choose between those friends of yours and me, you'd choose them because they were first right?"

She was just waiting for him to give her a reason to sign the papers, all she needed was one reason, for him to do something wrong in front of her human friends, and he would have to give her up. Yes, she still loved him, she would always love him, but he was always hurting her, always putting her second.

"No," said Antonio. "I'd choose you, but they are my friends. I've known them years longer than I'd known you, we grew up together."

"Yes, and I grew up only knowing you, as you who had never been home and left me alone in a giant ass house for what you called my protection, you who always gave my brother preference and did everything you knew would piss me off, because apparently you didn't care. I'm asking you to make up your mind. That is what this month is for, that and to determine if I stay with you and the others, but mostly so you can make up your mind. I don't want to return only to have it all be the same, I'm tired of it," she said, not caring that her other friends were there listening to the conversation that should be kept more private. "I love you, but it never seems to be enough."

How could a nation suffer like this and still even care?

She flinched from the phantom pains from old scars and the cold that made her shiver. She remembered how close she had come to death from a few of them, the one on her shoulder being the worst, the one that she had only been saved from because of armor he had given her and had prevented her from being fully impaled. "I showed him the scars, he had a right to know everything, but he…he just left. He didn't say anything, just turned around and walked away…from me…I don't…"

Her tears fell as she sobbed and hugged the pillow tighter to her chest. Her friends were still trying to understand how she had survived so many wounds, but Matthew and Gilbert were upset on her behalf. Antonio had walked away, he hadn't shown any hesitation in leaving her, and he hadn't come back. Antonio had hurt her in a way not even they would be so cruel.

"I made my choice Matthew," she said quietly, it wouldn't do for the others to hear, only he and Gilbert would need to know, they could take the news back, she wasn't waiting until the end of the month anymore, she couldn't. "I can't do this anymore, I can't take this pain. I want to forget it all, because I can't stand knowing. I'll sign tonight and send them in the morning. Gilbert, I'm begging you not to tell him. No one will remember once it's done anyway, he won't remember me, and he'll be himself again, and I can try to be happy. Please?"

The shadows writhed, her pain echoing in screams of silence that had gone unheard, deaf nations forced to face the ultimate truth, that they had failed one of their own and they were all at fault for the crumbling balance that once protected them all.

An explanation for parts of the flashbacks/memories:

For a brief period of history Britain, France, Spain, and Prussia were allies. It feels weird to even think of given the portrayals quite a few of the Hetalia seasons, but it actually is true and I believe it had something to do with Chinese Pirates though my memory of that segment of history is pretty weak. Spain and France getting together to discuss things and introducing new cultures into other nations doesn't seem far-fetched.

Britain's other upstart nation America was creating allies, taking some of the best ideas, ideals, and possibly even people from other nations in ways that would take the world by a storm. – This requires more detail. Thomas Paine who wrote Common Sense did use a number of ideas and ideals from various philosophers, most especially notable French ones, during the course of the American Revolution due to the alliance. What some people, including many Americans, tend to be unaware of, is that during the American Revolution Thomas Conway and Charles Lee, figures of Revolutionary War history who had expressed differences of opinions with George Washington, caused some concern. Thomas Conway was meant to train militiamen and soldiers for the Revolutionary army at the Valley Forge, incidentally, Prussian Captain Friedrich Wilhelm aka Baron von Steuben was recommended by Revolutionary peers abroad and left due to improper speculation. (Spoiler: He was gay and apparently Europeans had issues because the Church changed campaigns.) Baron von Steuben essentially remains an almost forgotten founding father in the history of the United States as he was granted full citizenship for his role in the war, granted lands, and later adopted two lovers into his family so that they could inherit the estate after he passed.

Really Long Author's Note (I owe you guys so many apologies…)

Hey everyone, Happy New Year. This is a long one, but I want you to know I appreciate everyone who is still reading this and supporting me through this story and others. The truth is that I owe you guys a lot of explanations, for the long hiatus, for not putting up a single chapter in the past few years, but I kind of lost my way for a while. Not just out of this fandom, but in my schooling (I've been struggling but hey, I'll leave with like 14 associate degrees), with a medical diagnosis for chronic headaches and doctors trying new prescriptions, and a whole bunch of other things, but what really brought me back here is my depression. A lot of people have family or friends supporting them through everything, I have writing communities that I haven't been part of in over a year and I had a cat.

My cat turned 18 this year and we had to put him down because his kidneys were failing. I really wanted to be selfish and get medicine and keep him longer…but it would have been selfish because I know he's been in pain for at least a year and couldn't afford to take him to a vet. It just hurts so fucking much because he was there for me through all the crap in high school, through my phases, through the start of this story and technically its end. This story actually does have an end, I wrote it about three years ago when I was trying to outline the chapters that were left and I might have to edit it, but for the most part everything I have fits together I'm just filling in some bits and pieces and this story will be concluded. I'm pushing myself to do it this month as a way of starting the new year strong and trying to move forward through my depression.