I've been kidnapped. Nel is holding me hostage at this houseparty.

Emotional blackmail. Its her speciality.

I guess its not doing me any harm being here, really. I'm just never in the mood for this sort of thing.

I look at my phone. A missed call.

I sigh and put it back in my pocket. I try and ignore the stab of guilt as I think of Renji trying to get in touch with me and never getting any further than my voicemail.

After all, I didn't tell him I wasn't coming home for Easter. Or Christmas. Or all those weekends I'd promised to visit. I know that next time we speak, I'll be lucky to walk away from the conversation with our friendship intact.

But once I got away from Karakura, I found it hard to go back.

I miss Ichigo as much now as I did eighteen months ago.

But no one wants to hear that. Not Renji, or Mum, or Isshin or my friends from high school.

I'm having a great time. I'm meeting loads of people. My course is brilliant. I've been drunk all term. I had a one night stand. I got a girlfriend.

Was going to university supposed to suddenly cure me?

What do people want to hear? What am I supposed to say?

The day I first spoke to him is so fresh in my mind.

We were 15 and it was our first day of high school. English class.

I drifted over to a chair by the window and nodded at the red-haired goon I started talking to in registration. Renji curled his lip at me and sat in a seat next to a petite dark-haired girl I didn't know.

I was about to call out to him, an insult on the tip of my tongue for abandoning me for a chick, when a lithe boy with orange hair and a deep set scowl sat next to me.

He was hot.

As fate would have it, I forgot the book I was supposed to bring with me and I had to share with him. He blushed like a virgin as I leaned into him to read over his shoulder.

I desperately wanted to fuck with him and drag my fingers along his thigh which was resting right next to my hand, just to see his expression, but I found that I was just a little bit afraid. He'd flip out. Punch me. Never speak to me again. So I clenched my fist and held it still.

The hour passed quickly and when the bell rang for next period, I turned to the red-head.

"You're Ichigo." I said. I'd been paying attention as the teacher called the register.

"And you're Grimmjow." Ichigo replied.

There was a small pause as we digested that we had both been watching and listening for each others names.

I broke the tension with an unabashed grin and Ichigo smirked back at me.

From then on, we were inseparable.

He had his friends from junior school, and I had mine, but instead of splitting off to our respective group of friends, we banded together. We brought everyone together at break and lunch and we became infamous as the biggest, weirdest group of people in the entire school. And since we were all spread out over all the year groups, we brought all the classes together.

On top of that, a small town like Karakura offers very little for teenagers to do so we'd spend our weekends camping in a field owned by Urahara and having bonfires in the woods and barbeques in my back garden.

I didn't know it at the time, but they were the best years of my life.

Nel begins guiding people towards the kitchen table for a few rounds of drinking games. I perch myself on a stool by the breakfast bar overlooking the table to watch, sipping my drink and idly messing with my phone.

I have two missed calls now, and I'm feeling more than a little bad about that. But I just don't know what to say to Renji. I can't remember the last time we spoke.

"You playing, Grimmjow?"

Nel comes over to me, winding an arm around my shoulders and pressing her cheek to mine. She's wasted.

"Squeeeezzzeee!" She giggles, hugging my tightly and I crack a smile.

"Come play with us, Grimm." She whines, her voice muffled against my cheek.

"Uh, I'm ok here Nel. Really."

"Okaay." She pouts at me playfully before going into the other room to look for others to fill up the table.

Nel is different from Ichigo in so many ways, and I'm trying to figure out if that's a good thing or not. I think it is. I don't really know what I've done to deserve her efforts to get me out of my room, but she's done it all the same.

Our relationship is strictly platonic though, partly because she's already got a boyfriend, and I'm a raging homosexual.

Sometimes I wonder if she knows what I've been through. What I'm still going through. That's a comfort and a horror all in one. But she doesn't ask. She doesn't pry. And I love her for it. I'll tell her everything one day.

I glance at my phone nervously.

Or am I just lying to myself?

I can't even call Renji back.

The only thing I'd really struggled with at school was sitting still.

I felt uncomfortable in a classroom. I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't see the fun in sitting in a hot, stuffy classroom where you couldn't sit where you wanted, or write in green ink, or chew gum. I was always in looking out. I felt trapped.

There was so much to see and do and touch and explore, why the fuck were we all cooped up in a room with other peoples farts?

I guess that's how I fell in love with photography. I've got thousands of pictures stored away on my computer, of Ichigo, of our friends, of camping, of summer.

Turns out I've actually got a knack for it and I got onto a degree course in Documentary Photography which is freaking sweet. No idea what I'm going to do after, but does it really matter right now?

Me and Ichigo were different like that.

He had always wanted to be a teacher.

Nel comes back into the room with a small crowd and they each grab a chair. My eyes pause on the long pale fingers that deal out the cards with a skilled flourish.

I look up into the face of the dealer and see a ghost.

It's Ichigo in everyway except the colouring.

His hair is snow white, his irises are darker than chocolate, and his skin is like flawless ivory.

My heart lurches and I swallow my bile.

He's hot.

And just where have I heard those words before?

I can't take my eyes off him. I bet the Gods are having a whale of a time with this joke.

But the more I look, subtle differences begin to emerge.

The Ghost is taller than Ichigo. Broader shoulders. Graceful hands. Deft fingers. Smaller, darker, more slanted eyes. A pointed face. A cruel, wide smirk.

But deep dimples that make him look sort of soft around the edges.

Ichigo never explicitly smiled, it was more subdued that that. Like he was shy. It was the most endearing expression. I miss it.

I spend the next few minutes trying not to watch the Ghost. Trying not to want to watch him.

When he realises he's won the first round, he slams his hand of cards on the table and throws his head back.

"AHAHAHA!"

His loud cackle nearly makes me fall off my stool.

Definitely. Absolutely. This guy is nothing like Ichigo.

Theres something harsh about him; like the frequency in which he says the words 'get out of my face, bitch' or 'suck my pixie dick, you saggy cunt'. He's obviously used to getting his own way. And not thinking about other peoples feelings. What an unlikable guy. I mean really, he shouldn't have any friends.

But for some peculiar reason, everyone is laughing almost as hard as he is. It's a mixture of the alcohol and the teasing atmosphere. The ghost gloats when his wins, but he lets others brag about it when they win. Back and forth. It's banter. A game.

And everyone's getting so much out of it. A good time. A laugh.

And what am I doing?

Sitting here, staring at my phone, wishing I had the balls to call Renji and thinking about Ichigo.

Our first kiss was at half five in the morning on a Sunday.

The day before was sunny and so everyone had decided to have a BBQ at Urahara's, which turned into a sleepout. Rukia said her older brother was using the 16-man tent we usually borrowed, so most of us just passed out in Urahara's back room where he'd kindly left some blankets and sleeping bags.

But me and Ichigo stayed up all night talking. We sat on the stone steps at the foot of the field that lead to a stream. We watched the moon come out and the stars appear, then hours later as the sun began to rise, Ichigo kissed me.

We weren't anything before. Just friends. But it felt like something else was always there. It was like fog. I could see it, but I couldn't touch it.

And the kiss made everything real.

Before he could completely pull away, I grabbed his chin. For a second my eyes met his and I don't know what he saw, but it made him smile.

So I dived in and never looked back.

The buzz of my phone dies as the caller is directed to my answer phone.

Again.

I shrink into my chair as I think about calling Renji back. I can't. I still can't do it. I'm a coward through and through.

Calling Renji or going home will make it worse, I'm sure of it. I can function, but I'm afraid to lose the little control I have.

People would tell us we were lucky to have each other. They could see us lasting and they told us so. They envied us.

I wonder if that's why I can't get past this. I feel cheated. Me and Ichigo were fated to be together. We are all pieces of a puzzle and me and Ichigo came together like we were made with the other in mind.

But we weren't given enough time.

So going home or talking to Renji, facing everyone's pity, I think it might just make me snap.

In one of the smaller school buildings, on the second floor, there was a classroom that was always empty. Students would hang out there all the time during lunch or free periods. There was a fire escape near by that we were allowed to use to ease the congestion in the hallways. It was a short cut.

It wasn't dangerous but it had been raining. The metal steps and the handrail were wet. Slippery.

Someone had fallen down them before and gotten a sprained ankle.

That should have been an omen.

It was the end of the day and we were last to leave. Rukia rang me to say she was waiting with the others by the front gate. I was about to call out to Ichigo to hurry, but I realised he was waiting for me in the corridor.

Where the fuck was my bag? Shit. I was the one holding us up.

"Got your bag, Grimmjow?" he called in a voice that made me scowl.

I stuck my head around the door jam to see him running towards the fire escape with my school bag slung over his back.

"You had it all along, you asshole!"

Ichigo turned to answer; his eyebrows raised innocently, his eyes bright with laughter.

He opened his mouth to say something but all the came out was a sharp gasp as he lost his footing on the top step.

His face fell as he realised he was about to fall. He looked right at me, face collapsing with shock.

Then all I could hear was his body falling down the stairs.

I sprinted after him and people told me later that me screaming his name is what alerted them, but I don't remember calling his name at all.

All I know is that as I reached the ground where Ichigo way lying, there was something very wrong.

The angle of his neck didn't look right.

He isn't gone, he isn't… He can't…

His hand was still warm when I reached for it and his hair was still so orange and soft beneath my fingers. He still smelt like the chicken wings he'd eaten for lunch.

But Ichigo's wide, empty eyes didn't see me anymore.

For so long I couldn't look at the folder labelled Ichigo on my computer. It held all of the photos I had of him and the last thing I wanted was a picture of Ichigo when I couldn't have, hold or kiss the real one.

It's so unfair.

But then the time came to build a portfolio for an interview for university and I knew there was so much I could use in that folder.

Clicking on that folder was hard. I can't tell you how long I stared at it, the mouse in one hand poised over the folder icon.

Eventually some inner part of me just screamed "FUCK IT! MAN UP AND CLICK THE DAMN FOLDER, YOU GAPING PUSSY!"

So I did.

The first picture in the folder, out of almost nine-hundred, was the only one I used in my portfolio. It was also the only one I looked at and the only one I kept on my computer. The rest I imported onto a portable hard drive and left at home in Karakura, in a box under my bed. I couldn't bring myself to look at them. But I know I'll want to one day.

In the picture it's pretty early in the evening, you can see the sun setting through the window in the background so the sky bleeds red and yellow, light streaming into my bedroom and bathing it in an orange hue.

The photo is taken from my bedside table and I'm lying on my stomach nearest the camera, quite obviously naked and dead to the world; my eyes are closed and I look so comfortable, so at peace.

Ichigo is spooning my side, also naked, a leg hooked over my bum and he's thrown his arm out in a 'surprise' gesture, knowing that I'll find this photograph on my camera when I wake up. He's smiling widely into the camera and I can remember the laugh that went with that expression.

I had always thought that his life was so unfair, so short, so sad...

But I had loved Ichigo, and he had loved me back so brilliantly.

And there is nothing sad about that.

I wonder what would happen if I went up to the Ghost and it went beyond tonight.

If I fucked him.

If I took him out to dinner.

If I fell in love with him.

He'd find out about Ichigo, or at least guess something was up. He doesn't seem the type to let a lot slip past unnoticed.

But no matter what, I don't want to tell him that the reason I first spoke to him was because he looked like my dead boyfriend.

Bored with card games, they begin to play 'I Have Never'. Of course, its about sex.

"I have never had my bum hole fingered!" Someone shouts at random and the whole table cracks up' the Ghost's laughter ringing in my ears.

I sip my drink and sigh heavily. I feel so old. So tired.

Why wait a few hours to leave, shouldn't I just go now? Sitting here watching every move of this white haired kid is all kinds of unhealthy.

Because that's all he is.

A kid. Some guy. A stranger.

I hear a familiar snigger and look back to the table. The albino is watching me with fierce eyes and a wide grin.

"So you've had your bum hole fingered? Cough up the details, you dirty slut!"

I pause and do a mental rewind of the last ten seconds. I groan and he just laughs harder. Nel smirks, but turns to the albino.

"Oi oi, don't wind him up!"

The small smile that had crept onto my face at the sound of his laughter begins to fade.

He was watching me, this whole time. He saw me drinking because he was watching me watching him.

Since the beginning, he's seen right through me.

I carefully set my drink down and leave the room, my heart roaring in my ears.

I hear Nel scold the albino and his loud complaints that he was only joking, but I'm too mortified to listen to anymore.

I grab my bag from where everyone dumped their stuff by the stairs earlier, and open the front door.

People are smoking on the drive and on the curb. The night looks deep and dark.

I screw my eyes shut and wish, with all my might, with everything I have, that this is all just a horrible dream and Ichigo is waiting for me in my bed when I wake up; leg hooked over my hip, arms thrown wide in surprise, a smile splitting his face in two, as the sun sets in the window behind him.

When I open my eyes, I have tears on my cheeks and I'm still standing in the doorway of some stranger's house.

Then, my phone begins to vibrate in my pocket.

The caller I.D tells me its Mum, but I'm not sure I really believe that.

I answer the phone and hold it to my ear.

There is a short silence.

"Hey, Renji."

"How'd you know it was me?"

"Because you did this before when we had that argument in our second year and I blocked your number."

"Oh yeh. Your mum was really nice about it. She obviously likes me more'n you."

"Shut your mouth." I pause. "Is she there now?"

"Ya, I'd put her on, but she's got her mouth full."

"You son of a bitch. Can we stop with the 'mum jokes'? She's a good woman."

"Dude, you've asked me to stop every single time. Four years later and ya really think I'm gonna suddenly listen to your empty threats?"

I feel my lips twitch in the shadow of a smile. I swallow thickly.

"I'm sorry I didn't answer your calls."

"Yeh, whats up with that?" Renji sounds annoyed. "Don't you dare by trying to drop off the face of the earth, you little shit. Talk to me, man. Where are you now?"

"A houseparty. It's some guy Nel knows through her hockey society."

"Oh. Anyone taking your fancy?"

Yes or no? Neither seem to fit.

"Maybe." I reply.

"Well that's way to vague. What are you gonna do? Leave it as a maybe or make a move?"

"I don't know." I say quietly. Because I really don't know. What should I do?

"Whats wrong, Grimm?" Renji asks seriously. "I'm here to look out for you, you emotionally retarded prick."

"He looks like Ichigo."

The world stops for a moment as I let the words sink in, then Renji exhales softly.

"Lemme tell you something, Grimmjow. It's something I realised recently, actually.

"Hmm?"

"I think he's waiting for us, ya'know? On the other side."

My throat immediately closes up.

"He waiting to hear about the stuff I've done. So I need material. Like crazy shit I've gotten up to, people I've met… opportunities that got given to me and I took advantage of."

I'm silent again as his words sink in. I don't know what to say. What to think.

"Grimm, I don't wanna be a dick, but this right now? This is you not making the effort. You gotta live a life he'd envy you for, because he'll be waiting to hear about it. Make sure you have lots of stories to bring with you."

A part of me wants to roll my eyes. Renji's creative writing degree is paying off.

But then another part of my wants to smack myself for trying to cheapen his words.

Because they're not just words.

I can tell by the way he speaks that it is what he believes.

Ichigo isn't here anymore, but I'll never forget him. He's immortalised in all the photos I've taken of him. He won't grow older or live, but I will. And I'll think about him every day.

I'll remember the things he found funny, or hated, or loved, so he'll live on in me.

It sounds lame, but its true.

We've usually heard the lame stuff a million times before but that's because people learn the same lessons, come to the same conclusions.

I feel very silly when I realise this.

And not so alone.

The world has kept on going and so can I.

"Renji?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you"

"Aw, thanks man. I love you too. Now do me a favour yeah?"

"Ok."

"Go get laid."

I laugh.

"We'll see."

I know what I've got to do.

I put my bag back. But not before pulling out another can of beer.

As I re-enter the room, the people sitting around the table quieten slightly, and look at me.

"Sorry, bud." The albino says when he sees me, not sounding sorry at all.

He smirks at me, revealing his teeth.

I am immediately assaulted by the mental image of him jabbing me with a blunt stick - singing, "poke, poke, poke, poke" over and over.

A switch flicks inside my head.

Before I know what I'm doing, I've cocked a hip, curved my lips into a snarl and raised a brow in condescending disbelief.

"Sorry for what? You think you just embarrassed me? I was playing the game, asshole. Yeah, my ex fingered me, and it felt great, so what? I honestly feel sorry for you seeing as you've never had the pleasure."

Nel is looking at me with a slightly open mouth. The others are laughing and a guy with a short black bob haircut is looking at me through his lashes.

Everything fades away as the albino smiles at me.

"So you're game, then?"

"I just said so, didn't I?"

"Well then, pull up a seat."

He kicks an empty chair next to him and pins me with a look that dares me to sit there.

I don't hesitate.

I know.

It looks bad that I'm going for a guy who looks like Ichigo. I can only imagine what everyone back home would say.

Its unhealthy.

You haven't moved on.

But quite frankly, those people can fuck off.

I'm not over Ichigo, I know that.

I'm also pretty sure I've got a ton of feelings to sort out, and grief to confront, and people back home to reconnect with.

But that can come later.

Right now, I'm not going to miss this opportunity and add it to my list of regrets.

And at the end of the day, there is only one simple reason I'd ever approach this guy.

…or argue with him all night, or walk him home in the morning, or let him write his number on my arm.

I don't know him.

But I'd like to.

Holy shit, it's been ages! How is everybody? I'm back with loads of spare time and some new ideas. I'll be updating The Diary as soon as I can.

Forgive my spelling in this one, ya? Cheers babes!