101 Things I Can't To Do To My Fellow Pokedex Holders
Hey all, just a little fun thing I cooked up while waiting for my computer to get fixed so I can get back to working on Dreams. Hope you all enjoy!
Disclaimer: Unfortunately I don't own Pokemon or any other works mentioned in this list. If I did, they'd probably be way less awesome.
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1. Under no circumstances am I to refer to anything I possess as "borrowed".
2. My "dark and troubled past" stopped being an excuse a long time ago.
3. My friends' relationships with each other are their own business and will develop without my help.
4. Pretending to cry is unfair and unsporting.
5. I am prohibited from offering popcorn to other onlookers every time Ruby and Sapphire fight.
6. Not even sweetened.
7. Furthermore, I am prohibited from shouting "BST! Glorious BST!" during such incidents.
8. Nor am I to pressure Ruby into explaining what "Belligerent Sexual Tension" means to Sapphire.
9. I may not refer to myself as the "High Queen of Peskia", or demand that Green refer to me as "Your Peskiness".
10. Just because it was funny the first time does not give me free reign to repeat it.
11. In fact, apply rule 10 to all other rules.
12. Threatening to cry to Silver is a terrifying prospect, and is not to be delivered lightly.
13. Not even to Gold.
14. Yellow is sweet and innocent and she is not to be corrupted by my evil ways.
15. None of us have theme songs and Ruby's definitely isn't "YMCA". See rule 10.
16. Crystal enjoys her work and does not need to loosen up.
17. I am completely forbidden from suggesting that Gold helps loosen her up.
18. ESPECIALLY not like that.
19. I know exactly what rule 18 means and playing dumb will not be accepted.
20. "Assuming that it was OK" is not equivalent to permission.
21. Especially when it comes to borrowing.
22. People I have never met have never and will never give me permission to borrow their possessions.
23. For the purposes of rule 22, shops count as people.
24. The signs were not that welcoming and the shop was definitely not OK with it. See rule 20.
25. Green is not to be referred to as a "wallet".
26. Or "credit card" or "chequebook" or similar.
27. Emerald is not to be referred to as "adorable," "cute," "the loveliest little guy in the world," or any other name which draws attention to his size.
28. It is pure coincidence that Sapphire's Relicanth "Relo" has a name that sounds like a mixture of "Red" and "Yellow" in a similar manner to Gold's Pichu.
29. Discussion and theorising on the subject of rule 28 is expressly forbidden.
30. Red and Yellow did not travel back in time and have a fish baby.
31. Repeat. Red and Yellow did not travel back in time and have a fish baby.
32. Platina is sweet and innocent and she is not to be corrupted by my evil ways.
33. Just in case rule 3 wasn't specific enough: I am not permitted to assist in the development of any of my friends' relationships unless explicitly asked by said friends. Note rule 20.
34. I am to repeat rule 33 to myself approximately five times a minute.
35. I may not trick Red into watching the episode of Blackadder in which the main character falls in love with a girl disguised as a boy.
36. Especially not at one of our Pokedex Holder's meet-ups with all of his friends present.
37. ESPECIALLY if that includes Yellow.
38. I also may not suggest to him to read the Terry Pratchett novel "Monstrous Regiment", in which almost all of the characters are girls disguised as boys.
39. In fact, I am forbidden from showing Red any work of fiction or non-fiction in which a girl disguises herself as a boy. Even if I think he'd enjoy them.
40. Silver is not permitted to borrow anything on my behalf.
41. Trading Diamond tips for attracting Platina in exchange for his cooking is callous, unfair, and I'm forbidden from doing it.
42. And trading Platina tips for attracting Diamond in exchange for extravagant shopping trips is just plain ridiculous.
43. I am not to tell Red that shouting "Fus Ro Dah!" at Green's Charizard will help him beat it.
44. Black is not "like Gold but stupid."
45. White is not "like Ruby but less feminine."
46. I am not to refer to Bill as "Green's future brother-in-law" around Green.
47. Or as "my future brother-in-law" around Professor Oak.
48. I am forbidden from pretending to forget something or bringing up memory loss in any way while around Sapphire.
49. Even in prank wars, getting Gold drunk and leaving him with somebody is taking it way too far.
50. Especially if they're female.
51. I am not stupid enough to think Crystal would ever be an exception to rule 45. She wasn't even in the prank war.
52. There is no punishment for "crimes against fashion" and I may not punish Sapphire or anybody else for them.
53. Nor may I delegate said punishments to Ruby.
54. I may not use the phrase "I've saved the world" in arguments or as a defence. We all have.
55. "I've saved the world more times than you" doesn't work either.
56. Attempting to claim Silver's world-saving as half-belonging to me, thus meaning I've saved the world the most times and using this to establish myself as our leader is so far beyond stupid that even Green couldn't think of a suitably derogatory response.
57. With reference to the Lemonade/Red Bull Fiasco, I am forbidden from access to the drinks both before and during parties/meet-ups.
58. White is not branching out into human actors and I am not her first actress.
59. I am especially not to tell this to her customers.
60. I am never, ever allowed to give Pearl energy drinks.
61. I am not to suggest to Silver to use his trading abilities to swap Green's Charizard for a Magikarp at the last second.
62. Not even if he wanted to.
63. Considering that my nicknames include such strokes of genius as "Jiggly" and "Ditty", calling Red's nicknames uncreative is rather hypocritical.
64. This applies to Black as well.
65. I may not casually discuss methods for breaking into my friends' dwellings or places of work while in their presence.
66. Especially not if said dwelling is a medium security research lab.
67. Laughing when Pallet Lab is described as "medium security" is rude and I shouldn't do it.
68. Nor should I suggest that, comparatively, "high security" is a padlock and a five year-old with a stick.
69. In relation to rule 65, I may not trade warstories with Silver as to which maximum security buildings were easiest to break into and how.
70. Nor may I respond "Challenge Accepted" any time somebody mentions anything with tight security in any context.
71. "I'm too beautiful to arrest" is not a legal defence.
72. Green will not bail me out.
73. I am not permitted to ask Crystal about something, then reply "Why?" over and over again when she responds.
74. I am not to initiate a metaphysical discussion on the topic that we are all just characters in a story.
75. Or suggest that one of us will be "killed off" for shock value.
76. I do not pity the poor artist who has to draw Green, nor do I wonder how any artist could draw someone as perfect as me.
77. Green's Gym hours are not subject to my whims.
78. Turning up to my friends' houses unannounced is acceptable. Doing so and then letting myself in and proceeding to help myself to their food is not.
79. Pearl does not know any details of Diamond and Platina's date by Lake Verity.
80. Repeatedly asking him will not change that.
81. Nor will threatening him.
82. Ruby and Sapphire have no idea how I found out about Ruby's letter, but I'm not allowed to see it.
83. Nor am I allowed to steal it.
84. If I do steal it, squealing so loudly that Sapphire manages to hear me from where Silver's kept her distracted is my own fault. Nobody will protect me from the wrath thus incurred.
85. I am not to suggest to Black that he asks Red for tips on how to beat the Pokemon League.
86. Nor am I to trade tips for how I managed to reach third in exchange for seemingly innocuous questions on his and White's friendship that I'm using to build up a bigger picture of their relationship.
87. I am not permitted to refer to Sapphire as "Tarzan."
88. Nor am I to refer to Ruby as "Jane."
89. Abusing Red and Gold's gullibility is no longer funny to anyone but me.
90. Friends do not sell faulty products to their friends.
91. In fact, friends shouldn't really sell anything to their friends.
92. That still doesn't mean I can borrow anything.
93. Ditty is not to be used to disguise myself as my friends or for any other comedic purposes. See rule 10.
94. The words "water prank" and "Blastoise" are forbidden from being used in the same sentence or action.
95. Kissing Green in front of my friends who I am hoping to pair up is not a hint, it is showing off.
96. I am not to tell Crystal that an entire new region of Pokemon has been found for her to capture as an April Fool's Joke.
97. I may not take one of Green's research papers and edit random paragraphs to be lines from Twilight or similarly awful romantic literature.
98. Or fanfiction for that matter.
99. Shopping trips with Ruby do not take priority over "everything." Especially not if Sapphire had already made plans with Ruby for that day.
100. I may not request that Green "punishes me" if I break any of these rules.
101. Lastly, and this is to be applied to all similar situations. Appropriate responses to Yellow confidentially informing me that she is going out for dinner with Red include: Congratulating her; offering to help her prepare; suggesting good meals served by that particular restaurant; etc. Inappropriate responses include, but are not limited to: Shrieking and jumping up and down on the spot while hugging Yellow; dragging her out shopping to buy an extravagant outfit; calling up several of our mutual friends, including a Professor who should really know better, and saying "Three months exactly, I win, pay up;" taking the role of Yellow's non-existent big sister and threatening Red with several rather inventive tortures if he should ever hurt her; or pretty much anything else I did.
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Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed/laughed!