Chapter 4- Anger/Bargaining

Eli…why?

Left

How did God let this happen?

Right

My youngest child…my son

Left. Right.

Nothing was supposed to happen…

Left. Right.

I left the squad. There shouldn't have been a threat.

Right Left Right

…Right?

Left Right Left Right

Who's next? Lizzie?

Left Right Left Right

…Dickie?

Left Right Left Right

Kathleen?

Left Left Right Left Right Right Left Right

Maureen?

Left Left Right Left Right Right Left Right

Kathy?

Left Left Right Left Right Right Left Right Left Left Right Left Right Right Left Right

…her…

Left Left Right Left Right Right Left Right Left Left Right Left Right Right Left Right Left Left Right Left Right Right Left Right Left Left Right Left Right Right Left Right Left Left Right Left Right Right Left Right Left Left Right Left Right Right Left Right

SLAM

The punching bag flung from its hanger after Elliot Stabler punched it to its limit. He washed the blood from his pale knuckles and replaced the punching bag in the Philadelphia Gym. He had fled there after leaving the squad and splitting up with his family. Kathy understood that he needed time to think about the shooting, the squad, and Olivia. He kept regular checks with Kathy, and a few days ago he heard about Eli's death. He didn't know much else, either because nothing else had happened, or because there were things that Cragen just didn't want to tell him.

A few short, calming exhales guided Elliot's heartbeat down slowly. The loss of his youngest son had put him into a fiery rage from the moment he found out. That, plus the paranoid thoughts of other threats being against him or anyone he loves sent his heart rate skyrocketing more days than not. He waited until his heart gave up trying to escape his ribcage. Sitting down on the green paint-shed wooden bench, his tired right hand clutched his blue water bottle, and the cool, refreshing liquid slid down his throat, and comforted his heart.

-Buzz-

-Buzz-

'Oh no. Not now…not yet…' Elliot groaned to himself, still wanting to stay in his small moment of tranquility and peace. Unfortunately, his cell phone wouldn't let that be an option.

-Buzz-

"Stabler."

"Elliot, glad you picked up."

Well, it wasn't her but it didn't mean he wasn't glad to hear someone's voice from the squad. Cragen's voice

"Yeah well…yeah. What've you got?"

"You remember that Gitano case you worked with Benson a few years ago?"

Benson. That's right. We were colleagues, partners…nothing more.

"Yeah, why?"

"There might be something you need to see…"

Elliot didn't like Cragen's tone. There was an uncertainty to it, like he needs to see something that will skew the entire case. Either IAB is getting involved, or Warner has something in the lab, or Fin and Munch have made some kind of breakthrough during their investigation. Whatever the reason was, this was Eli they were talking about. Elliot could not risk not knowing any kind of news that had to do with his son's murder.

"Wanna give me a hint?"

"El…you might have to come down to see it."

"Fine. Give me an hour."

And with a long sigh of panic and frustration, Elliot hung up his cell and made his way to the plum sedan, one of the few memories he has kept from the squad.

Of course, the way Elliot drives, it would take less than an hour to get to the 1-6, but he wanted to stop and visit someone, as his important wisdom and advice could help him right now.

"Father?"

"Elliot? Elliot Stabler? That you?"

"Yeah, yeah its me."

His spot felt familiar; the cool wooden chair that comforted the sinful, and the timber window that Elliot looked through every single confession to speak to the only one who will listen. Fr George was Elliot's long time companion and advice giver, and Elliot would only turn to him if he desperately needed help.

"Elliot, this hardly seems like the time for you to confess. Come outside, have a casual chat."

Obeying the priest's word, Elliot walked out of the church to meet him out the front.

"Now then, tell me what's been bothering you lately?"

Elliot sighed. Already Fr knew that something was bothering him. He knew it was probably a bad idea to visit the priest in the first place, but he got this far, it would be even worse to lie to the priest and walk away right now.

"Well…Eli has been murdered."

"My condolences. May the Lord be with you and your family, and those who care for you."

"Thanks, father."

"So Elliot tell me, what guidance do you need?"

"My old boss wants me to help them with the investigation. I don't know if I can bring myself to it."

"Elliot, finding your son's killer will give you closure, and helping your old friends put him behind bars will be rewarding. It won't bring your son back, but the justice you serve the man will surely send him to a place where he will receive his punishment rightfully from God."

"I just wish there was more I could do."

"All you can do is have faith in your colleagues and, at most, contribute. You haven't seen your co-workers in a year, don't you think its time you paid them a little visit?"

"Hmm…well I guess. Thanks, father."

"Good luck, Elliot."

And with that, Elliot Stabler drove out of Philadelphia and into Manhattan, to help out his good old friends at the 1-6. Driving to the old structure was one of the most grueling and daunting tasks Elliot had ever faced. There were so many things that have happened, so many cases, and so many changes. Elliot couldn't bring himself to think about the new detectives Cragen had hired to replace him. He thought about Fin and Munch, and how much he was dying to see his old friends. Elliot couldn't help but smile at the thought of seeing Cragen, its like being reunited with a family. And then…there was her.

Her…

That one name he couldn't bring himself to say.

He missed her so much.

But she probably hated him now.

He never returned any calls.

What was he going to say?

I wonder if she misses me…

-BEEP-

Note to self, Elliot: Don't start daydreaming about her while you're driving!

Elliot was on the same street, almost pulling up to the precinct. Cragen was outside waiting for his car to reach the all-too-familiar destination.

"Elliot!" Cragen yelled and waved from the front steps of the precinct. Elliot pulled up to the precinct and waved back through the car. He exhaled a sigh of relief. Returning to the squad was going to turn out fine…right?

He strolled in anxiously, all the familiar scents returning to his brain. The nostalgia overwhelmed him, but the first person he saw he didn't recognize. This place really had changed a lot while he was gone. The tan skinned man offered his hand for Elliot to shake. His dark eyes gave Elliot a sense of comfort; obviously this guy has never met Elliot, nor seen the way people treat him. Thank God for his innocence though. He shook the new detective's hand with a warm smile.

"Hi. Elliot right? I'm detective Nick Amaro. I've heard a lot about you."

Elliot frowned at the thought. "Well, I hope its all good."

"All good. There's really nothing you need to be worried about."

"Well good." Elliot proceeded to meet Munch and Fin, who were sitting at their usual spots.

"ELLIOT STABLER!" Fin screamed from the other side of the room, making everyone else turn to Fin's line of sight.

"Well, its about time!" Munch jeered as he turned around with his wrinkly smile. They both rose and hugged Elliot.

"Thanks guys, its great to be here."

Feeling reassured, Elliot proceeded to his old desk, where Amanda Rollins interrupted him.

"Hi. I'm detective Rollins. I'm new around here."

Confused, Elliot still shook her hand. "Have you replaced…?"

Shit.

Elliot still couldn't say her name.

"…Benson? No no, she's still very much here, but she stormed out a while ago. Haven't seen her in a while."

"Alright. Thanks for letting me know."

Elliot was relieved that she was still around. But what had made her storm out? He wasn't going to follow her; he just couldn't yet. He sat down at her desk, where Nick updated him with the investigation. His words became muffled, however, when Elliot noticed a small picture frame of him holding Eli on her desk…

Me?

Me…and Eli…

But she, she kept it…

She…

He felt a tear trickle down his cheek. He was ready to see her. Olivia had kept the memory of Elliot with her for a whole year.

"Stabler?"

His head shot up, his aqua blue eyes piercing Nick's in confusion. He obviously hadn't been paying attention. "Wha?"

"Does the name 'Victor Gitano' mean anything to you?"

He nodded. Gitano did ring a bell, he just wasn't sure where from.

"Well anyway, Warner needs to brief you on the medical evidence. Brace yourself-Eli is in there."

And without saying a word, Elliot sighed in exhaustion, stood up, and made his way to the M.E's office.