Jacob was doing sit-ups in his bedroom when he heard a light rapping at his window. He considered putting a shirt on, but then he smelled it. The distinct smell which, at first, had seemed like a rotting corpse to him, but which now smelled like pure sex. Edward Cullen. Jacob opened his window.

"Get your sweet ass in here," he growled as he hoisted Edward inside.

"Pleasure to see you," Edward grinned once inside. "Shirtless, as always."

"I don't know how long I can keep covering for you," Jacob smiled, shoving Edward onto his bed and pouncing on him. "Quil keeps complaining about the smell in my room. Thinks I need a shower."

Edward laughed and rolled on top of Jacob. "I prefer you dirty."

"Oh fuck, yes," Jacob said. He began kissing Edward passionately.

Edward placed his hands on the bed beside Jacob for leverage, grinding his cock against Jacob's. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught the faint glimmer of something under Jacob's pillow. It was… no. What? No, it couldn't be.

"Is that…?"

"OH MY GOD," Jacob blurted, scrambling to hide whatever it was.

Edward began laughing uncontrollably. He had read Jacob's mind. "A sparkly DILDO? Where on EARTH did you get that?"

Jacob bashfully cast his eyes downward. "Internet."

"Good God, you keep it in the REFRIGERATOR? In the back of the refrigerator, so Billy won't see it?" Edward was roaring with laughter now.

"Would you STOP reading my mind?" Jacob asked through gritted teeth.

Edward composed himself. He stroked Jacob's face, his laughter slowing into short, soft chuckles. "I'm sorry. It's sort of flattering, in a way."

"Yo, where's Edward?" Emmitt asked without looking away from the video game he was playing.

Alice popped the balloon she was holding in her hand. "What? Edward isn't here? IT'S TWO HOURS TO BELLA'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AND EDWARD ISN'T HERE?"

"Don't worry, babe," Jasper assured Alice, rubbing her shoulders. "Y'all just check and see when he's comin' on back now."

Alice closed her eyes and concentrated for a few moments. When she opened her eye, she stomped her foot. "I don't know! I can't see him at all, for some reason."

"Maybe he's thinking about ditching," Emmitt laughed.

"He's probably just with Bella." Rosalie couldn't restrain her eye roll.

"Yeah, man. He's TAPPIN THAT ASS," Emmitt hooted.

"Well, it's about time. Remember when we took him to see the Forty-Year-Old Virgin?"

"Ugh, I know it was so embarrassing. For all of us."

"Now, now," Esme interjected. "Edward may be a… late bloomer, but he's coming into his own now and he could use his family's support."

"Well we can't support him if he's not here." Alice quickly picked up the telephone and dialed the number she knew by heart.

Edward's phone rang in his back pocket.

"Leave it," Jacob mumbled in between sloppy kisses.

Edward tried to resist the ringing, but in a neurotic flash he pulled the cell phone out of his jeans and answered with a swift, "Hello?"

"EDWARD CULLEN, WHERE ARE YOU?"

"UHHHH—" Edward panicked. "I'm at, uh… I'm with Bella!"

"You're supposed to be here decorating," Alice insisted. "I told you I needed you here to help. You're the best interior decorator in the whole family, you know."

"I'll be there in a minute."

"Ugh, you might as well just bring Bella over here now, since you're already there. Just make sure you cover her eyes with a blindfold when you bring her in. I don't want her seeing a thing before the big reveal!"

There was a click as Alice hung up.

"You still haven't told them?" Jacob asked, a tinge of sadness choking his voice.

"Well I don't see you announcing anything either," Edward scowled.

"I would." Jacob's eyes were pleading. "I would if you would let me."

"Ugh." Edward stood up and re-buttoned the top of his shirt. "You don't understand. I'm…" Edward sighed in pain. "I'm old school."

"What is that, some kind of sex thing?"

"NO." Edward flew out of the window at warp speed.

Jacob curled into the fetal position on his bed, one wolf-sized tear trickling down his cheek.

"Farewell, my sweet prince."