5.25.12

mann no korra this weekend because of memorial day :(

anyway, after episode 7, I've got to say that I really like asami now. I still don't really ship masami, and makorra is still my LoK OTP, but I definitely like asami as a person. the decision she made with her dad was really... I dunno, it was a really intense moment.

I just hope that it wasn't just all a plot to get closer to the avatar :| that would suck

so anyway I tried not to portray asami in a negative light in this story, more of a neutral one, because I just like her a lot now. ... :D

He is warm. So blissfully warm. So comfortable. For a moment he lets himself bask in the comfort, not realizing exactly where he is or why he's there.

But then it all comes back and hits him suddenly, and his eyes snap open and he bolts upright.

"Fuck!" he groans under his breath as a shooting pain stabs up from his side. He looks down and sees that he's been wrapped up in bandages, and he's sitting on a bed in an airy, cheerfully-painted room. He realizes instantly that he must be at the air temple, and without any further hesitation he throws off his sheets and pulls on the rest of his clothes, which have been washed and folded neatly on a chair beside the bed.

He's aching all over, but that doesn't stop him. He throws open the door and peeks out. No one's there. It's terribly quiet, and Mako can feel that worry, worry, worry building up in him again.

"Korra?" he calls out softly. He doesn't really expect her to answer, but he tries anyway. "Korra?"

There is no reply, but he didn't really expect one. He slowly pads down the hallway, growing increasingly anxious at the lack of life.

"Bolin?" he calls. "You here?"

To his great surprise he hears a response. "Yeah?"

Relief floods through Mako. "Which room are you in?" There's a couple of other doors in this hallway, and Mako doesn't want to barge in on them.

"Here. The last one."

Mako hurries to the last door and pushes it open. There's Bolin, resting on his bed, reading a newspaper. He greets Mako with a cheerful grin. "Hey, Mako! Glad to see you finally woke up."

Mako blinks, and his hand touches his side. "How long was I... out?"

Bolin shrugs. "A couple of days. You lost a lot of blood."

"A couple of days?"

"Whoa, calm down. It's fine. Everything's fine."

Mako's feeling jittery. "Korra?" he asks. He's almost afraid to hear the answer.

"She's not here."

Mako's mind reels. "She's not - here?" he asks. He feels like his inside have iced over; cold, painful. Not here? What did that mean? Surely not - surely not -

"Whoa," Bolin says, his eyes wide. "It's okay. She's not - " He lowers his voice, " - dead. She's being kept in a room near Pema and Tenzin's."

"Not... dead," Mako repeats weakly. "Not dead."

"Not dead," Bolin confirms. He rustles his newspaper and goes back to reading it. "So, go find her." He knows Mako well.

Mako nods - just once, still reeling from the initial shock - and backs out the room, shutting the door behind him. He takes a couple of deep breaths and sets down the hallway as quickly as he can; moving too quickly causes sharp jabs of pain in his side.

So the healing had worked. Korra had fought for them and won. He swallows, suddenly realizing how things will have changed between them. What will he say to her?

He emerges from the hall into an open square courtyard - and there, to his surprise, he sees Korra sitting on the steps of one side of the temple. He blinks, thinking that he is imagining it; but no, she looks up and sees him and gives him a small wave.

He wants to shout, wants to run up to her and grab her and pull her to him. But the smile that she gives him is only half-hearted, and it's with a sinking feeling in his stomach that he approaches her.

"Hey, Korra," he says. His voice comes out hoarse.

"Hi, Mako. Glad to see you're doing okay."

He sits down next to her, unsure of what to say. Her greeting was so unlike her, so unfamiliar. "I... um... you - you're okay now... right?" he says lamely. And he curses himself for not being able to say what he really wants to say. He knows that she won't be surprised; isn't she used to this from him by now? The aloofness, a wall that he rarely let down, especially in front of her.

She sighs and turns away, shrugging once. "Yeah. I guess I'm okay. The healing worked, in any case."

Mako swallows. He hates himself. He's pathetic. The words had come so easily when she had been lying in his arms, when she had nearly slipped away from him... but now they are stuck in his throat. The way they always are. "Look, Korra..."

"It's okay," she says quickly, shaking her head. "No, Mako, it's okay. Don't worry about it."

He's taken aback. "What?" It seems like she had been expecting something he was going to say, had been prepared for it.

"What you said to me..." She looks down at her hands. "It's fine. I don't... I don't expect anything."

And he's never heard that in her voice, not the wavering or the crack that comes at the end. And the guilt floods him so suddenly that he's momentarily stunned by it; that he has somehow trained her to not hope, not believe - not when it came to him.

How many times had he done this? he thinks. Pushing her away? The most painful one rises to the surface: The way he had treated her when she had accused Hiroshi Sato of being an Equalist.

So stupid, he thinks. He had been so stupid, thinking that Korra was jealous enough of him and Asami to accuse one of the wealthiest, most powerful men in Republic City of siding with the Equalists. And he had been so stupid to put their friendship on the line for it - a friendship that she had been willing to give up to do her duty.

She's the Avatar, a voice whispers in his mind. Hot-headed and rash but still bound to her duty. Shouldering a responsibility that no one else has...

And after that, she had still accepted him. No, not just him, but Asami as well. Him and Asami. Korra was a teenage girl who had been raised all her life away from other people, away from other people her age... And then, when he and Bolin had been her two closest friends, she was willing to sacrifice that friendship. Her only friends, to do what she knew was right.

Mako groans and buries his head in his hands. Never in his life has he hated anyone more than he hates himself in that moment. What-could-have-beens filter through his mind - just as painful as the ones he had imagined while she had been dying in his arms. And he realizes that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life like this - thinking about the past, thinking about the what-could-have-beens with Korra. What could have been done differently. What could have changed between them, but what hadn't because he had been too afraid.

And that's when he finally accepts it. He had been afraid of letting her in, of getting too close to her - she had been the exact type of person he knew that would be dangerous to become close to.

Dangerous for him, not her. He had been selfish in those feelings, but it was hard to let go of the old habit. It was hard to allow himself to care for someone he knew he might lose. After his parents had died - he couldn't be put through that again. So now it was just him, just him and Bolin.

And Asami. She had been the safe choice. A wealthy girl, a nonbender, sheltered from the dangers of the streets and the battles. The right choice, he had thought at the time. But how wrong he'd been.

"I think I'm gonna go in now," Korra says, interrupting his thoughts. "I'm... still a little tired."

Not just physically, Mako thinks, but emotionally as well. He's worn her down. But she's still strong enough to keep going.

She stands up. "Seeya, Mako." And she begins to turn away.

No, he thinks, no! Don't let her go again. He unsticks his throat, tries to speak - it comes out a grunt. She's walking away now.

Can't even properly say bye, he thinks angrily to himself. He tries again. "Bye."

No! That isn't what he wants to say. That's not - no - why does he keep doing this? It's the easy way out. Let her go. She doesn't expect anything, anyway.
The easy way out - pushing her away was better than losing her.

But he doesn't want that anymore. He's sick of it, sick of himself, sick of the unacknowledged feelings that go on between them.

The disappointed sag of her shoulders, the way she doesn't even look back at him, the way she's already given up on him. Too much. He scrambles to his feet, ignoring the throbbing in his side, and runs after her. "Wait, Korra!"

She stops and turns around. "Yeah?"

There's that barely-suppressed note of hope in her voice, one that she doesn't want to let happen. He knows it. She doesn't want to hope.

"I - look, what I said - what I meant - " He's stumbling over his words. His palms are suddenly sweaty as he meets her eyes. Piercing blue.

She's standing there, waiting for him to say something comprehensible.

Don't get fancy, he tells himself. Just say what you want to say. "I meant what I said," he says, all in one breath. "What I said back there - I meant every word of it."

She's staring up at him, uncomprehending.

"You know - when you were - " He doesn't want to say the word, and his voice drops down to a hoarse whisper. " - dying."

"You meant it?" she repeats quietly.

"Every word." He places his hands on her shoulders, intent. She looks away. "Korra," he says. "Korra, please look at me."

She does, and her face is full of hurt and hope. "I don't know, Mako," she mumbles.

"Please," he says, a little desperately. "I really meant it. I want to take you to see all those things. I want to take you to dinner, to a play, to a ferry ride around the coastline. All of those things."

"I don't know," she says again. "You - I mean, I know things were just confusing between us, and... with Asami and everything - and I know that you were confused... and..." She sighs. "I mean... the things you said... I don't know if it it was just because I was... you know, dying." She drops her gaze. "I just... don't want it to be a one-time thing, you know?" she says quietly.

"Korra. Korra, no. I swear," he says. "I swear it's not. Come on," he says pleadingly, "you said it yourself. We were meant for each other."

"Yeah, that's what I thought..." she mumbles, still not looking at him. "But who believes in stuff like that?"

"I do. I do now."

"I - I don't know," she whispers. "You and Asami - you were great together. She's rich and beautiful and nice and funny and lovely and me - I'm me. I'm Korra. I'm... I mean, I know you think I'm..." She shrugs helplessly.

"You're amazing," he says, and he's struggling to find a better word.

She gives him a half-smile. "Thanks," she says. "Really, it means a lot to me." She starts to turn away again, but he keeps his hands on her shoulders.

"Look, Korra," he says, growing frustrated, "I - I want - " Still struggling. " - us. I want us."

"Us?" she says.

"Yes. You and me. I want - to be with you," he says finally.

But to his surprise she pulls away from him, taking a few steps back. "Mako, I - I don't think I can," she says, and her voice wavers. "I'm sorry, but - "

"Why?" he demands. He's angry and bewildered and doesn't know why she won't listen to him.

"I just - I don't know, I was dying!" Korra says, her voice rising to a half-shout. "I was dying and you and I both knew it, and I just - if it takes something like that for you to say something like - you want to be with me - I just can't... I know we're friends, and I don't know if you were just - in the moment or something. Because let's face it, Mako. When have you ever said anything like that to me? 'You're pretty amazing. You're amazing.' That's the most I've ever gotten from you."

The words come exploding from her, and he knows that it must have been something that has been on her mind since she she saw him today. "No, Korra - listen - "

"Listen?" she demands. "I've tried asking you to listen to me. I don't know what game you're playing, Mako," she says, throwing his own words back into his face, "but I don't want to be a part of it. You know - I'm sure you know that I still like you, a lot. But I just don't know if you feel the same about me. You've been dating Asami for a while, a long while, and I - I just - I don't know..."

She's confused, too. Mako steps forward, keeping his voice low. "Korra, let me explain. Let me try to explain."

She eyes him warily. "Fine."

He wants to take her up in his arms and just hold her to him, but he knows that she isn't going to let him come any closer. So he stays where he is, trying to keep his voice low and calm. "Okay. Korra, you... you know that I'm not... really great with people," he says.

She snorts. "Oh, do I."

He sighs. "Especially not with - with people like you. No, wait - " he says, stopping her as he sees her open her mouth. "Just let me explain." He takes a few cautious steps closer to her. "You... are unlike anyone I've ever met," he says quietly. "To be honest... I knew that you were the exact kind of person Bolin and I needed in our lives. Your personality can sometimes be overwhelming," he says, and he gives a little half-hearted chuckle. "Overwhelming... but refreshing. You were so, I don't know, full of life, and... I think we really needed that."

"Okay," she says, and it sounds like a question. Telling him to keep going.

"And - this was the problem," Mako says. "I don't know if you're aware of it, but you're the kind of person that's... well, sometimes can be kind of annoying, but is so easy to grow fond of. I knew it from the start. You won Lin Beifong over. Lin Beifong! I just... I couldn't let myself get too close to you. Maybe friends, but nothing more than that."

"Why?" Korra demands. "I knew you liked me. But you just - you just didn't want anything to do with it!"

"I was confused, okay? I was trying to tell myself - that Asami was the better choice - the safer choice!"

"And what's that supposed to mean?" Korra asks, and the rage and hurt is so apparent in her voice that he winces.

"I mean - you're the Avatar!" Mako says. "Always right in the middle of the danger, one of the most powerful beings on the planet. You were bound to your duty no matter what. It would be so easy... so easy to lose you," he says, and he can't bring himself to look at her. "After my parents died, I didn't want that to happen again. You think I wanted to do this? I thought it would be better for both of us. I couldn't go through the pain of losing someone close to me again. And you were this strong, this just - amazing person, and the Avatar. A beautiful, powerful woman. You'd always be meeting new people, other men. I figured that you'd get over someone like me pretty quickly."

"But I didn't," Korra whispers. "I didn't."

"I'm sorry," he says softly. "I know what I did was... so stupid. But pushing you away was easier than losing you. Whether to... a battle... or to another man... I don't know... this was the first time I'd ever felt like this about someone. I didn't know how to deal with it, because it was exactly what I was trying not to feel. Play it safe, that's what I had to do, that's what I had learned growing up. Protect Bolin, do what you have to do to keep yourselves safe."

She's turned away now, and he approaches her, laying a hand on her shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he says again, more quietly. "It was selfish."

She shakes her head. "You're not selfish at all," she says softly. She slowly turns to look back at him and gives him an uncertain smile.

His heartbeat is uncomfortably loud in his chest. "So..."

"So..." She doesn't know what to say either.

But he's glad that he finally told her. He feels like a weight has been lifted off from his chest, and he's glad, so glad that maybe those what-could-have-beens won't be what-could-have-beens after all.

He touches her cheek, lightly, softly, a little unsure at the unfamiliar contact. "When you were dying, I thought - I thought that there was no way it could be happening," he says quietly, and now they seem to be enveloped in their own little bubble, sealed off from the world. "I couldn't lose you. But pushing you away... is worse than being left alone and thinking about things that could have been between us."

She raises her hand to cover his, unsure herself. He knows that no one has ever touched her in this sort of way; a gentle, intimate contact that she's unused to. "Hey... Mako?"

"Yeah?"

"You know... that first kiss we had was great and all, but... maybe we should try that again." There's a grin playing at her lips.

He allows himself his own smile, quick but genuine. "Yeah, I think we should."

But this time he's the one who takes her by surprise as he bends and presses his lips to hers, ignoring the little startled squeak she lets out at the suddenness of the contact. He feels her hesitation before she relaxes and leans in, and his heartbeat is so loud in his ears that he's almost certain that she can hear it. Her hands - small, and yet so strong - cautiously find their way to his waist.

He doesn't know how long they stay like that. But her lips are soft and warm and wonderful and - how didn't he see it before, they were perfect for this sort of thing - and then she opens her mouth for him and then he's not really thinking at all, just... kissing her. This powerful young woman, strong yet soft underneath him - spirits,why hadn't he done this sooner -

She pulls away first, leaving him slightly befuddled. He blinks, trying to clear his head. He was the one who had kissed her - so why was he the one so flushed and overwhelmed, while she was the one with the satisfied grin on her face?

"That was a big improvement," she says, leaning in close to let her lips brush up against his. He's trying to figure out where all this newfound confidence has come from as her hands find their way to his scarf, pulling him in. The scarf, she's touching the scarf, his mind thinks, but then he realizes that he doesn't mind when it's her. She's worn it before, anyway.

"I'm glad," he manages.

"I'm definitely looking forward to more of those," she says, a little slyly.

He swallows, feeling the heat rise in his cheeks. "M-me too."

She laughs. "I'm glad," she says, repeating his own words.

He wants to stay like this forever, here with her, feeling like nothing in the world can touch the two of them. But with a sigh she pulls away.

"I really do think I should go rest now," she says, a little apologetically.

"You're not just trying to get rid of me, are you?"

"No, no!" she says instantly, "I just - "

"Hey. I'm just kidding," he says, and he bends and kisses her lightly on the forehead. "I know you need your rest, Avatar, after something like that." He clears his throat. "But maybe... maybe later tonight we could... you know, go out? For dinner or something?"

She smiles. "I'd like that a lot."

With great reluctance Mako lets her go, and she turns to leave. "Hey, Korra?" he calls after her.

"Yeah?"

"I think... you know, I think I might just be in love with you." It's the boldest statement he's ever made, and it's almost exhilarating to say it. He's never said anything like that to anyone, not even Asami.

She laughs without turning around. "You think? Well, we're going to have to work on that, won't we?"

He grins, even though she can't see it. "And Korra?"

"Mhm?"

"You really are the most amazing person I know."

She's reached her room. As she opens the door, she turns around one last time, grinning. "I know."

ending stories is not my forte at all