A/N: Rated T for the second chapter because there are sexual references, and I wanted to be safe. Again, I love Steve and Thor. I watched the movie, and there is so much potential for friendship and bonding that all I've wanted to do is write about it.
Steve's walls were bare, and the top of his dresser was clear except for a comb and a jar of hair gel. There were no personal mementos, no posters, nothing that could identify this room as his. He knew that Tony's walls were covered in barely clothed women and sleek cars, that Bruce had a periodic table taking up an entire wall, and even Natasha had a few pictures of knives she was saving up to buy.
Steve had thought about putting up a poster of Rita Hayworth, but the black and white picture with the soft lighting was out of place in Stark Tower, and it only brought up memories that he was trying to forget.
He knew that his fellow Avengers, and Fury especially wanted him to move on. He had to put his past behind him, but it wasn't as easy as they thought. Sure, seventy years had passed, but he had been unconscious for them. He remembered Peggy's smile, Colonel Phillip's barking, and Dr. Erskine's complete faith in him like he had only seen them weeks ago instead of decades ago.
And then there was Bucky. Steve still had nightmares where he was transported back to the train, reaching his hand out, straining to touch Bucky's fingers. He just had to get a little bit closer, he was almost there, and then Bucky fell, his body tumbling down the mountain. Steve should've been faster. He should've reached Bucky sooner. He should've been able to save him.
Last week, feeling nostalgic, he'd had JARVIS pull up Sidney Bechet's "I Ain't Gonna Give Nobody None of this Jelly Roll". It had been Steve and Bucky's favorite song, mostly because the word jelly roll was in the title. It was the first song Steve had learned to dance to as Bucky painstakingly taught him lindy hop. Steve hadn't been quick enough or coordinated enough to ever be a good swing dancer, but he tried, and Bucky was always patient.
When the chorus started up, Steve had begun to cry, and he made JARVIS turn it off and promise never to honor Steve's music choices again.
He was misty eyed now, just thinking about it, and he wiped at his eyes, angry with himself. He had promised himself that he was going to start moving on. That meant no lingering on the past, and no getting sentimental over music.
"You are melancholy," Thor said, and Steve looked up to see the god standing in his doorway. When had he gotten there? And didn't he have better things to do then creep around the Avengers' suites? Not that creeping was really a good word to describe the way Thor moved. Steve was surprised he hadn't heard Thor coming down the hall; his footsteps were impossible to miss.
Steve didn't like being caught crying, especially by a fellow teammate. He was supposed to be strong, and he was told growing up that men didn't cry in front of each other. If you ever got caught crying either you got made fun of or, if it were your family or friends who saw, they would pretend they didn't see anything. The only time Steve had allowed himself to cry in front of others was at Bucky's funeral, and it was only a few tears. He saved the body wracking sobs for when he was alone.
"It will pass," Steve said, turning his head so he could wipe away the last of his tears.
"Might I be of assistance?" Thor asked, coming further into the room.
Apparently on Asgard men had no problem crying in front of each other. Steve moved into the center of his bed to get away from Thor, but Thor took it as an invitation and sat down on the corner, the mattress sinking with his weight.
"It's fine," Steve said, wondering how to politely kick a deity out of your room. "I was just thinking. I'm trying to stop."
"Thoughts are persistent when your brain knows you must deal with them," Thor said. "You must confront them."
"It doesn't do anything to think about things I can't change," Steve said. "I need to acknowledge that and move on."
"Ah," Thor said, sliding back so he was resting against Steve's headboard, looking more at home than he ought to in Steve's bed. "The past is bothering you. Perhaps you are not ready to move on then."
"I need to," Steve said. "Fury needs me operating at 100%, and I need to stop crying about people that are long dead."
The words rushed out, too quick for Steve to realize he was saying, and he turned his face away as soon as he realized what he'd said. He'd just admitted that he cried when he was alone. Thor was going to think he was a wuss now. Steve hoped he didn't mention it to Tony, because the man would never let him live it down.
"There is no shame in mourning," Thor said, his voice softer than usual, the echoing boom gone from his words. Steve wondered who Thor was thinking of, but he didn't have time to ask. "Who is it that you mourn the most?"
Steve hesitated, knowing that this was the point of no return. He could still throw Thor out of his room, well not throw exactly, but ask him to leave. Once he started talking, once he fully divulged his feelings, he was committed. Steve didn't talk about his feelings with anyone. As far as Colonel Phillips had been concerned, Steve had no feelings. The only person he'd been vulnerable around, had shown his doubts to, was Dr. Erskine, but he had confided in him as the wimpy kid that spent his days getting beat up in Brooklyn. Captain America was supposed to be strong.
Steve shut his eyes as once again he found himself lingering on the people of his past. Maybe Thor was right. Maybe he had to talk it out before he could move on. He wasn't sure who he missed the most though. Peggy instantly popped into his head, the dance he'd promised her, the tears in her voice during their last talk when they both knew he was going to die. Her face gave way to a more masculine one, the tears in her eyes giving way to resignation a moment before his grip slipped.
"His name was Bucky," Steve said, his voice trembling at his friend's name. "We were friends before the serum. He helped me out when I got into fights and took me on double dates even though I was miserable with the dames."
Steve laughed, remembering Bucky's last night before he joined the army. How Steve had ditched Bucky and the girls to try, yet again, to join the army. "I saved his life after I became Captain America. Saved it, only to lose it."
Steve risked a look at Thor, trying to gauge what the other was thinking. If there had been pity there, Steve would've left the room, but there was something much gentler there, softening the god's eyes. Understanding.
"I," Steve paused and swallowed. "We went on a mission. He got shot out of a train and was dangling over the valley, barely holding on. I tried to reach him, but I wasn't in time. I watched him fall. I watched his body tumble down the mountain. I failed him."
Steve dropped his gaze to the down comforter, a luxury he didn't deserve. He should be sleeping on the hard ground or at least a lumpy mattress in a military barracks. Instead, he was in the lush Stark Tower, because he was a superhero tasked with saving the world, but what did it matter if he saved the world and lost the people that mattered to him?
A moment later, Thor's warm hand covered his, drawing Steve's eyes back up. There were tears suspended in Thor's eyes, waiting for the right word before they fell.
"After I returned home from my banishment to Midgard, Loki and I fought," Thor said. "We both felt from the bridge. My father caught me, and I caught Loki. We were going to be fine, but then." Thor shut his eyes, the first tear squeezing out, and Steve felt his heart constrict. "then Loki let go, and he fell into space."
"That wasn't your fault," Steve said, turning his hand palm up, so he could curl his fingers around Thor's hand. "You caught him, and he chose to let go." Steve handed been able to reach Bucky, too afraid that the door would fall off sending them both to their deaths. Maybe it he hadn't been so cautious, he could've saved Bucky.
"He let go because he couldn't handle being in my debt. I was not the best brother to him. If my behavior had been different, perhaps he would not have thought letting go was the only answer."
Thor tried to pull his hand back, but Steve's fingers tightened their hold. "You miss him."
Thor laughed. "He stole my throne, tried to kill me, and tried to conquer this world that I have come to love, but I miss him. He is my brother."
Steve slowly moved closer so he could hug Thor. Hugging other men wasn't acceptable when he was growing up either, but as long as he was breaking one rule, he might as well break them all. Thor's embrace was tight, almost painful, as if holding Steve would also allow him to hold himself together. Steve's grip was no different.
"I feel a deep sadness constantly," Thor admitted as they pulled apart. "It is why I choose to spend my time here, rather than Asgard. I cannot sit at my father's side, knowing that Loki is being punished somewhere beneath us or that I am not permitted to visit him."
Steve knew what it was like to be haunted by memories, to try everything to escape them and fail. In the beginning, he used to work out until he was so exhausted his body collapsed on his bed, but it only worked for so long. He could tire out his muscles, but his mind would still spin, bringing up memories that Steve was desperately trying to suppress.
"We should do something," Steve said. It wasn't good for two of the five Avengers to be emotionally crippled, and a mentally unstable thunder god was a frightening prospect.
"What do you suggest?"
Steve back to sit next to Thor and lean his head back on the wall. "What did you and Loki like to do together?"
Thor frowned, wondering how this was relevant. "When we were younger, Loki would talk me into doing things we were forbidden to do, then spirit away right before we were caught, so that I was always the one caught spying on the women's bathing house or playing with father's spear."
Steve grinned. "Figured it would be getting into mischief. I propose we honor your brother by causing some mischief of our own, though I don't recommend spying on Natasha while she showers."
"Mischief?" Thor asked, but he didn't look like he was going to say no. "What kind?"
"I know we're not geniuses like some of our teammates, but I'm sure we'll think of something," Steve said.
Thor smiled and for the second time, reached his hand out to touch Steve, though it was on the shoulder this time. "Thank you. You are a good companion."
"I wouldn't thank me just yet," Steve said, but there was a pleased smile tugging at his lips.