a/n: Ah, inspired by the huge number of fics out there of poor Izaya loving Shizuo and not being loved back. Since it breaks my heart, if I get enough people asking, I will write a second part full of fluffs~ And I know its a sensitive topic, but as someone who used to cut I find that its okay to read and write about it, if you understand the emotion behind it. Anyway, I donno if enjoy would be the right word, but Imma stop rambling now~

Just fuck off, louse. I hate you.

I hate you.

Hate you.

"Hate... you...GODDAMMIT!"

I heard the light thump as my phone hit the wall. I bring my shaking hands to my hair, vaguely aware of the tugging feeling. My hands- no, my entire arms are shaking as I grit my teeth, fighting to hold back those damn tears. The back of my head collides with the wall behind me, curling myself tighter in the small corner. Why am I even here? Whatever.

"Ahh...Its not- why can't- why me- it hurts..." I can hear my shaky voice whimpering like some stupid girl, god I am so pathetic. I tug on my hair harder, perhaps I'm trying to redirect the pain to my scalp, who knows, I don't. I can feel my entire body shaking, and god now I'm rocking back and forth like I'm stuck in some insane asylum. Pathetic and crazy. Aren't I, though? That's why you don't like me, why you never will, why I'll always be alone, stuck in this one-sided love...

I bite my lip to hold back the sobs threatening to escape. I know if I allow myself to cry, I'll wind up screaming, and then my mom or sisters or all of them will run in to see what's wrong. I don't want their concern right now. I don't want have to explain this... I don't want to lose my mask that I've worked so hard to create. No one can see, no one can know.

But, why? I never even did anything to him! How can the first thing you say to someone you don't know be 'you piss me off'? How can you just walk past someone as they try to reconcile, try to be friends? He really is a monster. Shizu-chan is nothing but a monster. Not because of that stupid strength or stupid fucking temper. Its because I love humans, but I can't love one individually- but I can have feelings for a monster. And I do. I love a monster. I love him...

"Fucking hell..." I curse quietly, and I think the shaking in my voice is only worse than before. I weakly pull myself onto my bed, and shove my face into the pillow.

And I let it out.

I scream, cry, curse, curse Shizu-chan, curse myself, curse emotions, curse my life, the world, my school, the fucking whores of humans that call themselves the female race, everything.

All muffled by a bundle of feathers wrapped in cloth- that's now soaked in salty tears and saliva. Great.

I lift my head up, but for some reason, I can't stop. Tears are still falling, and I'm still shaking. It won't go away- this pain in my chest is still here. Damn.

Why is my switch blade in my hand? The one I marked Shizu-chan with. Trusty blade. Always gives me that lovely sense of power and control. Its like a security blanket. But why is it in my hand? Oh.. I know... But wouldn't scars just mar my flawless skin? Hah.

Its fine, I won't leave any cuts, no marks, just press the blade on my skin lightly, it'll only leave a tiny dent, nothing- oh, oh god, I'm bleeding, why am I bleeding, I didn't even feel anything, but there's a cut and it's bleeding- why didn't I feel it? Maybe if I try again, I'll feel it- there it is. There's the pain. But it's not that bad. It's not.. its good. I like it. Maybe it'll hurt more next time- yup. It did hurt more. Three now. And it hurts but I don't want to stop.

For once I'm controlling my pain. I can control what's hurting me and I love it. As the cuts grow in number and depth the pain becomes stronger than the pain in my chest. I'm controlling my pain, finally, take that Shizu-chan, I'm no coward, I'm-

Oh, God.

It-its bleeding everywhere. My carpet is stained- How'd I get back on the floor? How'd there get to be so many cuts? Oh god, they're bleeding, it's bleeding- I'm bleeding. I'm shaking more than ever now, I can't stop- Ah, I have to end this. I throw my blade to the floor and grab my wrist tightly.

And I locked the door. Great. Now there's blood on the doorknob. Ah well, I'm, in the bathroom now, and I made it without anyone noticing me. I was always good at that.

I force myself to take deep breaths. The water from the sink is cold, but it eases the pain, cleaning the blood that's still flowing...

Ah, I'll have to throw this towel away later. It's absolutely soaked in blood. Doesn't matter. I grab the bandages from our cabinet and wrap them around my wrist... arm, until the blood stops leaking through. Damn... how'd I let it get this far...?

I'm feeling dizzy... How'd I get back into my room...? And on my bed...? Everything is so blurry... and I still feel blood trickling down my arm... Oh.

Fuck.

I passed out. Which means I never went to the bathroom. I dreamed it. And I'm still bleeding. My arm limply hangs off the bed, dripping crimson onto my carpet. It looks like someone was murdered. Maybe by tomorrow that'll be true.

I know I'm fading away... I can feel it. I blink to try to hang on to consciousness, but that rope is down to its last, fragile thread. Heh, thread. Maybe my red thread is gone, now. Maybe it never existed. After all, who could ever deserve the fate of being with me forever? Cruel.

Either my head is literally pounding or someone is trying to knock down my door. I must have been really out of it to not hear them calling me. Not like I could answer. I'm losing blood, and a lot of it.

The last thing I hear before I'm out is the high pitched shriek from my mom as Mairu kicked down the door.

Like I said, review for a chapter two~! If not, we may never know if Izaya even lives!