Chapter 16: What It Feels Like for a Girl

Strong inside but you don't know it

Good little girls they never show it

When you open up your mouth to speak

Could you be a little weak

Do you know what it feels like for a girl

Do you know what it feels like in this world

For a girl

"What It Feels Like for a Girl" by Madonna

Please Note: Author's Note at End

1/1/13: I took care of some errors. The auto correct on my iPad hates me. Sorry for the terrible screw up of words.

Two weeks after the accident.

All was deathly silent in the royal catacombs. Allura had been down these moss covered corridors hundreds of times over her twenty-four years of existence. These seemingly frightening corridors were once her personal Wonderland, an escape from Nanny's pestering and Coran's high expectations. Whereas the walls were her secret-keepers, the memorials of her ancestors were her omnipresent guardians. During this current visit, at the stroke of one a.m. in the morning, she felt nothing of the sort. Never had she felt so lonely in this clandestine sanctuary.

She had decided to speak with the spirit of her deceased father, seeking both refuge and guidance. An hour ago, she had demanded Lance to speak to her about the accident. He had declined rather curtly ("Not now! So help me God, not now, Allura!"). Huffing, she resorted to walking off her frustration until the lure of the catacombs called out to her.

Now, here she was, standing before the beautifully crafted altar, decked in gold and dressed with royal purple sashes. Upon the sashes was the royal family's coat of arms sewn onto the fabric. Black. Red. Green. Blue. Yellow. That majestic lion basking in his pride as he looms over the coat of arms. It was what Alfor had wanted to be remembered for: his pride for the lineage. Around the altar were offerings of precious gems and treasures in memory of his status.

With her emerald eyes downcast to the cracked stone floor, Allura spoke with a dry throat, "Father, I wish to speak with you. Please...it's urgent."

There was no beam of blue light to meet her needing eyes. No spiritual vision was conceived to aid the vulnerable woman. An empty feeling gaped in her bosom as she spoke again.

"I'm lost, Father."

The deceased king did not answer her pleading call. Her heart began to race with panic.

"Why won't you appear? Please, do not abandon me now!"

Silence.

Tears welled in her eyes. She couldn't speak of her pain to thin air. The words merely cluttered in her throat. Feeling helpless..hopeless..sick, Allura choked on a dry sob before dashing away from the golden altar. This was the first time that Alfor had not come to her aid. No explanation. The walls of the catacombs blurred into blobs of black and green as the tears were set free. The royal catacombs were no longer Wonderland for Princess Allura. Not anymore.

Entering the library, the silver sheen of the half moon pooled over the hardwood floors. In great contrast to the industrial design of the castle, the library was designed with a Victorian elegance in mind that would please even the great Sherlock Holmes. The shelves upon shelves of books were neatly lined, the occasional rascal of a book slanting out of a row. Dismissing the use of the light switch, Allura resorted to locating a few candles to light. Swiping the matches from a dark wood corner table, she lit a total of three candles, each one settled atop the long rectangular table in front of the plush red velvet sofa.

A golden glow gave life to the quiet room. To the far right of the library was what was called a "fainting couch," dressed in maroon leather. She had once read up on the Victorian era that had occurred on Earth over a century ago. A fainting couch was meant for women who simply felt light headed from the torturous tightness of the corset fashion. The curved furniture even appeared to have been constructed with a woman's body in mind. Allura fancied such an artifact from another planet.

The plush luxury invited her to sit down and release her miseries. She sat on the fainting sofa, finding it difficult to shed anymore tears. The pain was present, mind you, very present indeed. However, the body-shaking sobs did not come out. All the pressure, all the expectations put upon her left Allura feeling numb. If the upcoming queen wasn't good enough, or the maternal aunt, or the close friend, or the swift pilot...then what role was THE role for her? Just one role! Just one position given to her to assume, and she would be content to play the part. Too many faces meant too many worries over selecting the appropriate one. Or, more importantly, too many faces meant too much dissolution of one's true self.

A light knock on the doorframe snapped the crown princess out of her trance. Lance had found her, a tired, reluctant expression tensing his fine features.

"Hey."

Allura merely nodded in response, her gaze directed to her knees.

"Look, I uh...," Lance paused with discomfort, rubbing the back of his head. "I'm sorry for snapping at you earlier. I was just-"

"Lance," Allura gently interrupted him. "I understand. Sometimes I don't wish to talk either. Today, or rather yesterday, was horrific."

"Today. Yesterday. It still feels as if it all happened just now."

Allura bit into her lower lip, the sensitive skin flushing under the assault of her teeth. She was in no mood to censor herself. The gloves were coming off as the image of her injured niece, lying perfectly still in bed and motionless, came to mind.

"...Why didn't you stop her?" she inquired with such a quiet voice.

"Damnit, I knew you'd ask that."

Lance left his post at the doorframe and positioned himself before Allura. He kneeled down on one knee to meet her eye level as she seemed comfortable just sitting down. How the fuck was he going to explain this one? He knew Allura all too well; anything will set her off if someone she loved was hurt.

"I couldn't abandon my position at the controls. Larmina left without warning, against my orders, and there I was with the rest of the crew trying to get Keith out of his primal, 'jungle-man' moment."

"You still could have stopped her!" she snapped. "As angry as I am with Keith, he is not in his right mind anymore. You and I don't know what he's been through with Wade."

"Oh, and you do?" Lance challenged, not pleased where this was going.

"He wouldn't tell me when I lectured him. But he was shaken up. Lance...Keith never, ever gets shaken up so easily. He was a man paralyzed with fear. I almost didn't recognize him in that room. Whatever happened to him over these past few years has traumatized him."

"Oh, boo hoo, let's hug poor Keith because he has some battle wounds! Don't excuse him!"

"I'm not! I'm still furious over Larmina taking the damage for him when he should have been protecting her! Both of you should have protected her!"

"He is a grown man! If he needs psychological help, then he better get it soon, or I will haul him into the next psychiatric ward until he gets his head on straight again. A soldier is traumatized. It happens, and it is heart wrenching to see a broken man. I'm not that fucking cold; I hate seeing a fighter down and lost. But it is his responsibility to stand up and get the help he needs or else others will get hurt. When that happens, it is his responsibility to seek help before someone else gets hurt, or worse, dies because of his inability to function. Do not feel sorry for him, Allura!"

"I don't know how to feel, alright?! I am so damned confused!"

Lance raised his thick eyebrows. Allura only cursed when she was feeling deeply upset.

"I could've lost her, Lance! It's my job to protect my only niece, and she ends up severely injured while I remained here in this damn castle!"

"Daniel needed you, Allura. We had no clue what was going to happen to the little runt, so we had to act fast. Stand by your decisions! You know that Larmina is meant to stand-in for you. You yourself said this."

"What if I pushed her into this? What if it's too soon? I can't lose her! I've already lost Alistair, and I cannot, will not, lose his only daughter. I want to be Queen, pilot, friend, aunt, everything! I'm expected to retain tradition and security to the people of Arus while simultaneously accommodating to the vast changes of this team and this alliance. But then there's my niece, there're my friends, there's Blue lion. I feel..so..damn..stretched beyond my limit. Father won't answer me, Keith is an emotional mess, Daniel is infected with hagaarium, Wade's whereabouts are once again unknown, and-and-"

"Allura, stop! Stop burying yourself in this shit!" he shakes her by the shoulders. "This is no time to panic! Ok, so our 'fearless leader' is in a psychological black hole right now. We will deal with that. He needs help? Get him help. Larmina is safe, and is in the best of care. As for Daniel…Gorma, Pidge, and even Vince will do what they can. We need to stand up as a team, no matter who the hell has fallen down. We compensate for each other. Believe it or not, you are the heart of this team, and I'll be damned if I let you sink in hopelessness without snapping you out of it myself!"

She knew he spoke of the truth. Her strength was beyond admired, but her vulnerability...no one had the time of day to deal with it or see it. The headstrong man stared at Allura deeply with his dark eyes, watching before him as the woman shattered in his arms. She slides off the fainting couch and falls to her knees, weeping openly. Lance embraced her rattling body as he sank down to the floor with her.

His lips ached to kiss away her tears from her cheeks. Soft as can be, Lance pressed his lips against Allura's, not pressuring the woman into intimacy. She lightly kissed him in return, mumbling between gentle sobs.

"You don't know what it feels like."

He kissed her once more.

"Maybe I do, maybe I don't."

Later on that morning, around ten a.m.

Having returned from a quick shower, Keith settled down beside a groggy Larmina. She lay on her back, amusingly loopy from the painkillers in her bloodstream. It was the first day she had shown any joy whatsoever since the accident. Keith refused to laugh at the princess's drug induced glee. He deemed such a thing inappropriate.

"Ya might not wanna furrow your brows so much," she slurred, her eyes staring at nothing in particular. "That stress line isn't the most flattering trait."

"You don't say," Keith replied dryly, taping away on his tech pad.

Larmina giggled, her crystalline eyes glazed over.

"You look like a gargoyle sometimes, ya know? So serious. Always alert."

"Gargoyle?" he cocked an eyebrow, looking down at her blissful face.

"Yes. Most people think they are frightening creatures. But, they are actually meant to guard the homes they are stationed at."

"That is true," Keith commented, his fingers retracting from the tech pad screen. "On earth, it was once believed in medieval lure that gargoyles were eternal guardians, frozen in time."

"Mmhmm," she hummed, her eyelids becoming heavy. "You're my gargoyle."

Finally, Keith managed a chuckle.

"Don't laugh! You are my gargoyle, my guardian. You can be cold as stone on the outside, but there is so much more inside. I'd name you Goliath. You're my gargoyle, and your name is Goliath, therefore you are my Goliath."

"I'm concerned about these drugs given to you, Larmina."

"Why? I'll share."

"I think not."

Larmina starts to calm down from the chemical high, her face suddenly solemn. Her head leans back into the pillow.

"But even guardians must leave," she states.

"What are you implying?"

"You'll leave. I know it. I'm not stupid. But I can still dream of you."

The commander felt very uncomfortable. Was this the morphine talking or the princess? He could not conjure any words to give her. She hummed to herself softly as the lips of morphine kissed away her consciousness.

"My gargoyle. My guardian. My Keith."

He could not bear to stay after hearing this. Leaving the room quietly, he decided on checking in at the control room. Keith looked back at the sleeping princess, not quite sure if her awareness of the inevitable ending of their affair was helpful or hurtful. 'I'll be your gargoyle. But not when I am so close to you.' He began to realize that only from a distance could he truly protect her.

Daniel wrung his hands together as he paced in front of the closed door of Larmina's room. He still could not muster up the courage to apologize to her until now, two weeks later. As wounded as he was over being banned from piloting until the hagaarium situation was settled, the young man knew that he could not deny what he knew.

Larmina went against the orders of her superiors just to save Keith. That was no act of a harlot. That was an act of a girl who loved. He made her out to be the villain, only to see that she was human too. Did he think that she and the commander were meant to be? No. However, it wasn't right of him to blackmail her for her emotions.

Knocking on the door lightly, Daniel inhaled quietly as he opened the door. There was Larmina, sitting up in bed as she scribbled in what appeared to be her diary. She did not meet his gaze, so the cadet resorted to speaking up.

"Larmina? You busy?"

The princess shook her head "no," motioning with her hand for Daniel to come closer. She seemed a bit distant.

"Um, h-how have you been feeling?" Daniel questioned, awkwardly standing in front of the bed.

"I've been better, but my side doesn't hurt as much. Thank the doc for meds."

Daniel cracked a smile, seeing that her characteristic sarcasm was still alive and well.

"How's your hagaarium infection? Any progress?" she asked for the sake of conversation, finally making eye contact.

"Slow, it's slow," sighed Daniel, rubbing his arm for comfort. "I just miss piloting so much, I want this stuff out of me."

Larmina made no comment. Daniel cleared his throat, trying as best as he could to cease small talk and speak of why he was there in the first place.

"Larmina, I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"You're kidding, right?"

"Daniel, I've been on pain meds for two weeks. You think my brain cells are willing to function after a chemical romance?"

"Ha ha. You're a druggie now. No, wait. I'm trying to be serious here! I'm talking about that blackmail scheme from a few weeks ago."

Larmina's shield of wisecracks came down, permitting the young man to repent for his jealousy.

"I think I get it now," he began, staring into her blue eyes. "You really do love him, huh."

The expression on the princess's face softened. She looked away as her vulnerability began to seep through her skin and downturned eyes.

"I'm sorry for judging you. I didn't understand," he continued, feeling uneasy by Larmina's saddened demeanor. She closed her eyes, sighing gently before having her first heart-to-heart with one of her teammates.

"Do you know," she whispered, swallowing hard,"what it feels like to love someone, and be judged for it? To feel utterly stupid for loving them? You don't. But maybe you would like to know, I can't tell."

A stray tear betrayed her stifling of emotions. She tucked the pen into her purple diary and slammed the book shut. Daniel attempted to comfort her by drawing near, but she stopped him in his tracks with her hand raised, palm facing him.

"I forgive you, Daniel. Let it go. Please, just give me space for now. It's not about you."

The cadet respected her wishes, but couldn't help but feel confused by her words and her melancholic face. He merely nodded, hoping Keith hadn't broken her heart too drastically.

As he left the room, Daniel closed the door shut behind him, not expecting his best friend's face to meet him right then and there.

"Whoa! The fuck? Vince, what're you-"

"She and him?! What the hell!"

"Shut up," Daniel covered Vince's mouth, fearing that Larmina would hear him.

Vince nodded in agreement to remain quiet. Daniel removed his hand, and motioned for them to walk away from the princess's closed door.

"Shit, you heard? I told you to shut your brain off!"

"Right, like I can just flick a switch for you any time of the day. Her and Keith?"

"Yeah."

He didn't know how to take it. Vince had secretly withheld affection for the young lady, but never would have expected that she would seek out the commander, an older man, to satisfy her needs. Sure, a young man around her age was expected. But Keith? Vince shook his head, nursing both jealousy and nausea.

"Don't tell her about this hagaarium...mind talk...thing. Ok?" Daniel requested worriedly. "No one needs to know."

"I think we should at least tell Pidge since he is hard at work putting together a cure. He's been poking around with the molecules for hours, seeing which chemicals eliminate the infection."

"I'll think about it. Just don't listen in on my thoughts while I'm at it."

"I'll try my best, man."

Daniel notices how much his friend's eyes had dulled.

"You're not happy about this, are you."

Vince sighed deeply, frustrated by his own stunting of emotions. As brilliant as he was, he was not the most experienced young man when it came to social situations. He thought he would never have a chance with Larmina, so why bother courting her? However, he began to regret this fear.

"Not exactly. If you can hear my thoughts, why try and hide it? I feel something for her, but I just can't help but know that Keith got her first. Of all people, you know? It's not going to end well."

"Then she'll forget about him. You comfort her, then you move right in. Ta-dah, problem solved."

"You really are clueless."

"Maahox! The hagaarium temperature is chilling. You call this a hot bath?"

The small occult scientist grumbled to himself, off on his way to fix the heater for King Lotor's bath. Ever since the last failing battle with the Voltron Force, Lotor had been recovering with injections and hot baths of hagarrium. The hot baths were soothing as the energy surges vibrated against his purple skin. Each injection, however, had to be scheduled just right, for too much of the substance in the bloosstream would cause the drule king to implode. Not that Maahox would mourn the loss. It was nice to dream, though. 'Sire, I believe I have injected an overdose of haagarium by accident! Oh dear me, what ever shall I do?' He chuckled at the devious fantasy, tampering with the heater.

Once the drule king was satisfied with the bath temperature, Maahox excused himself before departing. Perhaps some devising on the next robeast will calm his nerves. Dragging himself to his beloved little lab, the occult scientist's one eye caught sight of a nearby security screen. The screen revealed a section of the wasteland where a large mecha-spider roamed about, it's legs contorted. It experienced difficulty trying to walk across the debris, but it's legs could give no more.

"Hello," mumbled Maahox, retaining a focused, glowing eye on the spider. "I believe I have found my inspiration."

Within ten minutes, the occult scientist was aboard a circular platform craft, closing in on the mecha-spider.

"The itsy bitsy spider.." sang Maahox, a wicked little grin tugging his chapped lips.

Closer and closer...inch by inch...and there she was, Commander Kala lashing out like the black widow she was.

"You miserable, insignificant cockroach!" raged the entrapped woman. "You did this to me!"

Pushing her contorted legs to move, the Lider formerly known as Commander Kala attempted to pierce through the proverbial fly.

"Vile woman!" shrieked Maahox, thrusting the controls of his platform craft to escape.

Her sharpened claws pierced through debris and abandoned robots as she wobbled her way through, much to stubborn to give in to pain.

"Wait!" shouted Maahox, zigzagging the wasteland. "Stop! I have a proposal! Concerning the Voltron Force!"

To his surprise, the Lider had closed in on the occult scientist, grabbing his little body off of the platform with an elongated spiked leg. Maahox was not known for his physical strength or intimidation; hence why he took pride in his brain. His good eye widened with fear as he was brought to the foaming mouth of the Lider.

"Start talking," Kala's voice was eerily deep, her yellow eyes blazing. "You have one minute to convince me not to decapitate you with my fangs."

"Calm down, woman! Please, if you will-Aacckk!"

His little body was contracted further in Kala's grasp.

"Alright! If you will allow me to speak, I have a proposal for you and the supposed gentleman who accompanies you inside. I suspect that this was the doing of the Voltron Force, correct?"

No answer was given, implying that the suspicion was a rather obvious one.

"I see. As part of my sincerest apologies, I propose that we join together and eliminate the Voltron Force for good. You want them dead, I want them dead. I believe we have something in common, no?"

Author's Note: Sorry for the filler chapter, everyone. I was moved to tears by the song "What It Feels Like For a Girl" by Madonna, and was inspired to delve into Allura's emotions. A woman's role is hardest of all. There is a lot on Allura's plate, just like Larmina has to deal with certain realities. Pay attention to what Lance tells her in the library. There's a clue! Little by little, I'll try to lift the Writer's Block from this storyand give you something worth reading. I hope you can understand!

Plus, a new story has come to my mind for another fandom (thank you SallyOn for your advice on OC's! I'll be writing to you right after this update!). If you're into Assassin's Creed III or Marilyn Monroe (my OC is based on her), keep an eye out for "Like a Prayer" in the Assassin's Creed section.

Happy New Year, everyone! Wishing you all the love I have!

~Take care