James bit Bella.

"It freaking hurts!" Bella moaned.

Carlisle instructed Edward to suck out the venom, which he did so precariously. "Oh no I sucked too much out!" Wailed Edward. The color drained from Bella's face and she became still – dead. "Now I'll never impregnate her (even though it makes no sense in the first place how she got knocked up) or see a sexy beast with a six pack fall madly in love with my newborn child! Oh well at least I don't have to hear her whine and complain anymore!" Edward got up, wiped his hands, reminisced at how delicious Bella's blood tasted. So worth it!

"Hey," said Edward beginning to leave, "I wonder where that sexy beast Jacob is. I think I'll give him a sex change and he shall be the new Bella. I've always been attracted to he-shes."

And they all lived happily ever fucking after. That is until Edward left Jacob because Jacob, being a freak of nature, started to have a period and he didn't want to deal with the PMS.

THE END.

Flame? Love? I really don't give a fuck either way! It's obvious I'm not a twilight fan. I bid you adieu good people of this planet!