I wish I could say that resigning had been an impulse decision.

I wish it was something that I could play off as having done in the heat of the moment.

Unfortunately, I knew exactly what I was doing.

From the moment I saw gates on the roof of the building I knew what was in my future; and it sure as hell wasn't a suspension.

They say that an unbelievable clarity is bestowed upon those fortunate to escape the clutches of death.

For the first time in my life I don't think that those people are full of shit.

As a cop, I face down death on a daily basis. It's why they pay me the big bucks, hah.

Until today, I can't honestly say that I have ever walked away from death feeling anything close to clear.

It's funny, every time I have stared death in the face over the past 4 years, I have had Castle at my side. There was something about having him there with me that almost made it ok. No, I never welcomed death and we always fought, but every time that I was absolutely sure that we wouldn't get out, that this would be the time that we finally met out ends, deep down I was able to accept it. Accept that if I had to go, at least I'd have him by my side to walk down that path with.

But hanging up there on that roof, never having felt more alone, I was finally given the clarity for the first time in my life.

Not like this.

This is not how I end.

Not here, not alone and not without Castle.

I have so much more left to my story, our story, the one I want – no – need us to write.

If you asked me, I would bet my life savings on the fact that I heard Castle scream my name. At the time I thought that he had come to save me, but as I look back I realize that yes, he was saving me, but not from the ledge. No that was Ryan. Castle was saving me from myself. As hard as I was fighting, in my last seconds on that roof, I almost gave up. Hearing the voice that I really thought was Castle's was the metaphorical push I needed to keep myself hanging on.

When I was pulled up and saw that it was Ryan who had come to rescue me I realized how wrong I had been.

Perhaps a few minutes too late - to be cliché - my life flashed before my eyes and I was hit with the stark realization that I was severely unhappy with what I saw.

The ride back to the precinct had been quiet, leaving me to silent contemplation. I knew exactly what was coming: Gates screaming at and suspending me, having to leave the precinct, going back to my empty apartment, my homemade murder board that had taken over my window and my life.

No.

No more.

This is ridiculous, this is not what I want my life to be.

A few months ago I had said that I wanted to be more; more than who I am, and look at me now. It's one thing to say the words, another to follow through, and I had done the exact opposite. I had tail-spun and fallen right back into the person I was 10 years ago.

If I wanted to be more, be whole, I was going to have to let go of everything I had let myself become and start over.

So I left.

If I wanted a new beginning, I would first need an ending. I'm sure Castle would say something much more eloquent but that is all I could come up with.

Castle.

I get to the bottom of the precinct steps and it occurs to me that I don't want a new beginning if it's not with him.

I mean that's what I've been doing in therapy all year right? Trying to become the person I need to be, the person he needs me to be so that we can have… whatever we will have.

I want to run to him right now but I can't. My head is full of questions.

Well not really questions. Just question

Am I ready?

Ready to leave behind everything I have come to know.

I dropped my bag of work stuff at my apartment but couldn't even bring myself to go in. I opened the door and tossed my bag in and locked back up and left.

This is not where I belong. Not tonight.

I know it's going to rain soon. I've lived in this city for 33 years, and I have come to know when the wind is bringing rain, and it is going to come down hard tonight. I know I should grab a coat or umbrella but I don't.

No.

Let it rain.

Let it fucking pour.

I need to walk.

I need to think.

Well, I think that I need to think.

I've already made up my mind haven't I?

That's what the whole quitting my job thing was about wasn't it?

It's already a torrential downpour by the time I get to the destination I didn't even know that I had been heading towards.

The park.

Funny how it seems like ages ago that I sat here with Castle, and yet I can still picture him sitting on the swing next to me with absolute precision.

Both of us a little broken, both of us testing the water, hoping we hadn't lost each other.

I loved him back.

Even then.

Even speaking in code, praying that he understood that I needed time to heal before we could be us, I loved him back.

Took a little while for me to be able to admit it to myself, but I did. I was just so scared.

I have known for a while what being with Castle would mean; what kind of forever would be shrouded in the act of letting myself love him.

This is why I wanted to wait to be healed first, but really, I am never going to be perfect. I will always come with baggage, will always just be a little broken, but that is what love is, isn't it?

Accepting and loving someone in spite of everything that should keep you apart?

And he loves me.

He loved me when I was shattered and he loves me now.

Well, he loved me yesterday.

Yesterday when I was so enveloped in this case, this case that I had let define myself.

Yesterday when I had listened as he poured his soul to me and I was too clouded in anger to hear.

Yesterday when he left; when I let him leave.

How could I have been so stupid? So driven by this case that I could let him slip right through my fingers.

I knew what he meant when he said he was done.

I knew and I still let him leave.

I think that somewhere deep inside I thought that he would come back he had before. It wasn't until I was standing on top of a building with the cops who had just saved my life that I realized that I had really done it this time. I had succeeded in pushing him away, and he wasn't coming back.

I wouldn't come back either, not after what I did.

This is up to me. I have to be the one to fix this.

The time for waiting has passed, for stalling and avoiding is long gone.

I want him and he needs to know.

So yeah;

I am ready.

I don't think I have ever been more ready in my life.

How I manage to hail a cab in this monsoon is a mystery to me, and it isn't until I climb in the back and squish down that I realize how completely soaked to the bone I am. How much I don't care is actually kind of funny and I allow myself a chuckle as the car speeds towards his house.

I should plan something to say.

Should prepare some kind of speech.

But all I can think of is his face and the look of hurt and longing that was plastered to it the last time I saw him.

I don't even get very long to think before the car stops and I get out at his front door.

I nod to the doorman who is sweetly holding an umbrella out. As if it would make a difference at this point.

As I stand in the lobby I realize how absurd it is, me showing up at his front door at – I have absolutely no idea what time it is. It could be really late. He could be in bed, or worse, in bed but not alone.

Somehow my phone hasn't been ruined in my pocket, hmm these are some good pockets, and I press my first speed dial (man who was I trying to fool into believing that I wasn't in love with him?) and pray for an answer.

It rings twice; only twice, then his voicemail.

Wow that hits like a sucker punch to my stomach.

Of course he wouldn't want to talk to me, probably thinks I'm calling with some weak apology to get him to come back to the case. The case that I chose over him.

Well I didn't really think this would be that easy anyway.

I'm already here, I have to at least see if he is even home.

Normally I'd just take the stairs but, well, I am very very wet and that would just take longer.

The elevator ride is short and I barely have time before I am standing at his front door, the door in which I have stood in front of many times, never before feeling so empty.

Again, I should probably think this through, plan something to say, but on its own accord my hand reaches up and knocks sharply.

I don't have time to wonder if he is home because I hear footsteps approaching the door and instantly my heartbeat speeds up rapidly because I know that he is here, and that this is my last chance to back out.

What surprises me is the unbelievable conviction that I feel in knowing that I do not want to leave, I don't want to be anywhere but here.

The beginnings of a smile appears on his face as he swings open the door but is quickly replaced with something much more heartbreaking.

I am sure he is trying for angry but I know him far too well. Know when he is trying to mask the way he really feels, and right now he is hurting.

He asks curtly what I am doing here and with lightning clarity I know exactly what to say. It's nothing I could have planned, nothing I could have practiced over and over on the ride here or in the hall, its simple.

"You"

And it is the absolute truth.

I don't think he was expecting that, and I am overcome with the need to show him, prove to him that this isn't just another attempt to get him to come back.

He needs to know how much I need him.

So I push into his apartment and grab him and pull him into me. How many times in the past year have I wanted to do exactly this? Grab him and kiss him until the rest of the world is forgotten? Many.

We kiss and it's amazing but it's still filled with sadness, I have things I need to say, things he needs to hear before he can forgive. I know this won't fix everything, not alone.

I pull back an inch but I keep my hand firm on his shoulder. Now that I've got his contact I can't lose it. I need him to anchor me to reality.

Even after all I have put him through he will still be my solid ground. I don't know what I did to deserve him but I will not lose him. I am so sorry for everything and he needs to know.

I'm so sorry.

At some point, when I am not consciously certain, I start saying these words aloud.

Because I am just so sorry and I need him to believe me when I say it. I try to kiss him again because I need the contact but before I can he pulls me back. I don't blame him so I go willingly.

Thank god he is still holding on because I can feel the fight draining from my body, and I honestly can't promise that I'd be able to stay on my feet were he to let go.

It isn't until I am far enough away from his face that I can feel heat on my cheeks.

Before I had played it off as warmth from his breath mixing with my own on my face, a feeling that warmed my soul in a way I never realized I had craved.

But now in the light, on my own I realize that I am crying.

And I don't care.

This is my new beginning.

No more hiding; from him or from myself.

His "What happened" breaks me from my thoughts and even in those two words I realize the importance of my next words in healing us so I chose them wisely.

Truth is what this new me is about so I have to be honest.

"He got away,"

Which he did.

"and I didn't care."

Which I didn't. And still don't.

He could slip away in the night and take every lead from the case away with him, and I wouldn't give a single damn.

The thought of that brings a smile to my face, but I'm not finished talking.

"I almost died, and all I could think about was you."

There is no point in hiding anything at this point.

Dangling on the edge of life itself as it were and he was the only thing on my mind.

I only wanted him.

I will only ever want him.

Hell, I need to say this out loud.

So I do.

And as the words tumble from my mouth I realize that I can't stand back any more. I need to be closer, need to show him how much I mean the words that I have been holding back. I reach forward with an open mouth but as my lips brush his it occurs to me that perhaps he is still wary, still doesn't believe.

So I pull back just a fraction and stare into his eyes.

We communicate best without words, always have.

My hand comes to brush his lips, why I am not really sure, I just know that I need any connection I can get.

His face remains unchanging but I think he is finally forgiving me and as the lightning cracks outside he seems to break from his thoughts and in that moment I know that we are going to be ok.

Forgiveness, desire, love, want are all written across his face as he closes the distance between us, an action we have both been awaiting for far too long.

Our lips meet and the feeling is electric.

There is no other way to describe it.

I feel as though this right here, us, is the most real thing that has ever happened to me. As if I have been woken up; as if my entire life up until now has just been one long dream and for the first time I am seeing reality.

Why in God's name did we wait so long?

Everything about this feels so right that I just want to hold on and never let go.

Which is why when he leaves my mouth to explore my neck, oh God – uhm what? – oh yeah, when he leaves I wrap my arms around him and hold him tighter to me than even seems possible and even then I still don't feel close enough.

He is mine and I never want to let go.

For probably the first time in my life, I am actually weak in the knees. Wow I didn't honestly think that it was possible but for a fraction of a second, I don't know how he does it, but he somehow wipes all conscious thought from my brain and I feel myself fall.

In more ways than one.

And of course, as he always has and will, he catches me.

In more ways than one.

He begins to trail down my chest and if it were anyone else I might have the inclination to want to hide what I know lies beneath the thin shirt I wear. But it's him so I don't.

I think he realizes the shift in me and slows down.

When he places the most gentle of kisses to my chest my heart swells and I am overcome with calm. I want him to see.

The look that takes over his face when he finally see's my bullet scar is the saddest mixture I have ever seen. It's a mixture of pain and sorrow, but also hope and thankfulness.

I know without a single doubt that he is the only person I ever want to see this mark, kiss it, touch it again so I grab is hand in both of mine and I press them into my chest.

I need him to feel my heart, feel how strong it beats for him.

Because it's for him.

All for him, and this right here? Us together, is the only reason it will ever beat again.

I think this has shifted the mood.

We are no longer spiraling in a haze of lust, no this is has transformed into something much more real.

As our world, this place that we have created in which only we live, slows down everything becomes much more gentle.

The touches, the kisses, and I find myself smiling with hopeless abandon.

I can't help myself, and I wouldn't even dare to try.

I feel like my soul has been freed and as he opens his eyes to look into mine I know that he knows.

As I take his hand in mine I realize that I have found it, in him; my new beginning.

It will be the last beginning that I ever have.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

.'.'.'.'.'.

A/N: Well there you have it! I want to thank everyone who reviewed and favourited, it's really what inspired me to keep going.

I'm still really enjoying playing with these two in this style so I may keep going or write a companion to this story of their future. Stay tuned and hope you liked it :)

-Kate