CHAPTER 18: CRUSHED

Muahahaha! I've risen from the dead, and come back! Cass raised me himself :3 Said there is a special purpose that only I can fulfil! And that's updating my fanfic! So if any of you lovely people still have faith in me, please come on here and have a look. Sincere apologies for being a stupid, lazy slob of a writer and not updating for centuries. Lots of love to reviewers and cybercookies! (choco chip XD)

I told myself today was gonna be the day

No more excuses cause I knew exactly what to say

Seven thirty that evening found me pacing nervously in the living room. Thankfully I was alone at home once more, Mom and Dad having gone to a formal event for Dad's business, Gabriel out on some mysterious mission ( "I will be keeping an eye and ear out for you though, don't worry," he had assured me). I had taken a good half an hour agonizing over what to wear- what was appropriate for the-angel-I-have-a-crush-on-comes-visiting-first-time occasion? Finally I ended up choosing a pale blue blouse and regular blue jeans, and feeling a bit underdressed, went downstairs to await Castiel's arrival. I wondered whether it would be wise to let him know right then how I felt about him. It would be easy, I had more than half of the school's male population chasing me, one angel shouldn't be difficult, right?

Except...it did feel difficult even when I contemplated it. Just the thought of looking into his fiery blue eyes made my heart slam hard against my chest. How would I tell him?

Was gonna make my play but like yesterday

My mind erased and I let the moment slip away

I let my eyes stray to the wall clock. Eight p.m. Where could he possibly be? Surely he wasn't backing out? Horror washed over me at the thought that perhaps I had creeped him out and scared him away. I pulled my phone out of my jeans pocket and jut stared at it like a doofus. Hell I was a doofus. Why didn't I just go ahead and call him? Wimp, a little voice in my head taunted. I sighed. Maybe I was.

Another night got me sitting here all on my own

Picking up the phone, but I can't get past the dial tone

Rocking my brain, going insane, again and again

I can't keep going this way

I would wait another half hour, I decided. He was an Angel of the Lord, surely he had a lot of pressing matters on hand, much more urgent than a teenage girl who had a colossal crush on him. Besides, this was good, it meant I couldn't get my hopes up all for nothing, only for them to be dashed later. It was good. But if that was really the matter...why did it feel like my hopes were already high enough?

Crushed, by the sweetest lips I'll never kiss

And your fingertips, and the warmest touch

That I've always missed

It was bad enough that I had been daydreaming all day about kissing him...especially after that brief excuse of a kiss earlier, one sided at that- but a kiss all the same. I had gone much further with Jason when the two of us were together, but this...with Castiel, sweet, confused, serious Angel that he was, the whole thing brought a huge smile to my face every time I thought about it. It wasn't just his touch I craved, or his kisses, or physical attention. I wanted his company, to spend time with him, to make him smile that adorable innocent smile, I wanted to make countless sweet memories with him, I wanted to be special to him.

Crushed, by the softest hands I've never held

Probably never tell

You're the strongest love that I've ever felt

I just wished I could gather some courage and make a move. But asking him over for coffee, wasn't that a move big enough? And he just hadn't bothered showing up. It was all my fault anyway. I had been slow, so slow to take just that small step, and now..

"I have to tell you, Castiel, please." I murmured desperately.

"Tell me what?"

Oh, crap. Of course he had to show up right then. Blasted angel. Yet I could hardly keep the elation off my features as I turned to greet him. He looked breathtakingly, effortlessly hot as usual. Damn. My mind began to scream Castiel I love you I love you I LOVE YOU non-freaking-stop, and I hissed mentally at it ( can you hiss mentally to your mind? Whatever, it really didn't matter at that point) to tone down because- I didn't love him.

Did I?

"Arya?" He was waiting for my reply, his head cocked to the side slightly.

I smiled brightly, and went, "Ah, um, just that I wanted to say thanks for helping me...with, er.." I fumbled. " Yes, with Jason, and those demons, you know?"

His brow furrowed. "It was no problem. But Arya.." I stood staring as his fingers reached out and ran down my jaw, feather-light. "Is there something else you wanted to tell me?"

"No, nothing at all." I lied glibly, bittersweet gladness filling me at the narrow escape.

Crushed that I haven't ever let you know

How it always goes

Cause I lose my nerve whenever you get close

My shoulders drooped a little, and I straightened them quickly. I didn't know how good the angel was at reading body language, and I wasn't about to test him.

Afraid of any awkwardness that might find its way due to this weird conversation we had just had, I started rushing about to make the coffee I had invited him over for. The same fear of an awkward situation made me ramble hopelessly as I worked."I didn't know when you'd get here so I didn't get the milk boiling, just in case it got cold, you know. It always gets layery and weird when its left to cool, don't you just hate that?" Yeah, he's had so much boiled-and-then-cooled-down-milk in his angel life, hasn't he, Arya? As if he even needed human food for sustenance. Who even invites an angel over for coffee? With these thoughts in mind, I couldn't resist asking my guest the million dollar question. "Do you even drink coffee?"

He didn't prolong my tension. "Not regularly, but Dean's taken it upon himself to acquaint me with human food and I must say, there are a lot of varieties." He said, smiling broadly. I couldn't help but return it happily.

"I have tasted coffee." He continued. "I didn't like the taste much however."

My heart sank.

"But," he paused to look me in the eye. I found I couldn't look away. "I am quite willing to try some if you brew it."

I was simply delighted. I might have squealed a little too. Hopefully not.

I told myself that tomorrow's gonna be the day

And I keep on telling myself that I'm gonna find a way

He had looked at me with such burning intensity. Was it absolutely impossible that he liked me just a teeny bit back? My thoughts were reeling in my head, and the faster they spun, the harder I beat the coffee mixture in the cup. What must he be thinking now, sitting on the couch, listening to me beat the shit out of my favourite mug? The mug would probably crack under all the strain, and be able to hold the coffee only long enough to shatter all over Castiel, who would never come back to see me again, and then I would never have a chance to tell him how I felt, and-

And I won't be afraid just like yesterday

Won't walk away, never gonna let another chance slip away

I forced myself to calm down. Peeking out of the kitchen I saw Castiel waiting patiently. Good. I could do this. Just as I was about to start beating the already well beaten coffee, my phone rang. Stella was calling! The lifesaver! "He's here and I'm making coffee for him or at least trying to, but I think the mug will crack because I beat the coffee too hard and he'll get burnt and he doesn't want me anyway I'm doomed." All this I gushed out in a frantic whisper. How did I think I could manage this? I was hyperventilating like that dumb broad from Twilight.

But Stella was calm. "It'll be fine, sweetie. You can do this." Her gentle voice was already soothing my frayed nerves. "Now, listen." She said. "You'll make the coffee now. Pour in the milk. The mug won't crack. And you will not ramble on like this to him. Just be yourself, and he will love you!"

I wish.

But I thanked her and hung up, and followed her instructions anyway. I did feel better now. I was ready to go out there and face him.

Cause I gotta know whichever way its gonna go

Rest my heart and soul cause there can never be no more

Rocking my brain, going insane, again and again

I won't keep going this way

He smiled sweetly when I sat down across from him. I bit my lip a he accepted the mug. It did not crack. I breathed. Castiel took a minute going over the details of the mug, my mug."This is a lovely utensil." He commented, and I giggled. "Thanks."I said, "But we really wouldn't call it that. It's called a mug, or a cup."

He looked a bit confused, then tilted his head as if to hear something better. I didn't know if anyone else had noticed it, but he did this quite often. He looked enlightened suddenly. "Ah, of course." He said animatedly. "Jimmy says you are right. The category is utensil, but the utensil itself has a name."

I wasn't listening."Jimmy?" I questioned, incredulity colouring my voice. "Your...vessel?"

Castiel grinned ruefully. "Yes, he's still alive and awake in there."

"Oh." Was all I could think of saying. But he just chuckled. "I know it may seem unconventional...or plain strange. But Jimmy gave himself to the Lord willingly, and he agreed to be my vessel."

"So, when,...your work is over on Earth..you'll just leave Jimmy's body?" The thought made me sad. I didn't want him to go away. I would miss him terribly if he did..I knew it would be selfish to hope he always stayed, because that would mean the Apocalypse would rage on and on...after all his sole purpose, the one he and all his fellow angels had been brought here for was to protect us humans and fight Lucifer's army. But how could I live without him? I had not known him very long, but his thoughts enveloped my mind all the time, my eyes searched for blue everywhere I went, blue eyes as smouldering, as intoxicating as his..but no eyes could compare to his, no mouth could smile as shyly, no one could be as serious, as confused, as endearing as Castiel. It was not Jimmy whom I found attractive, it was the angel residing inside him whom I was falling in love with.

Crushed by the sweetest lips I'll never kiss

And your fingertips,

and the warmest touch that I've always missed

Crushed by the softest hands I've never held

Probably never tell, you're the strongest love that I've ever felt

"Yes." Castiel sighed heavily. "I will have to go once the world is at peace again. Jimmy will have his body back." Was it my imagination or did he sound unhappy too?

"Could you not stay and get another vessel?" I demanded, then cursed myself internally.

He looked uncomfortable. "Why would I? My place is in Heaven..I must return there." I noted how he used the word 'must', and not 'will' or 'want to', like most people would when talking about home. His hands fidgeted in his lap, and I could make out that he was not being entirely truthful about this. As I looked at his pale, artistic looking fingers, I wondered what it would be to hold his hand and just walk through the streets like a pair of happy young lovers. I almost spoke it aloud, then stopped in the nick of time. We weren't even together! And at the rate things were going, we would probably never be.

Crushed that I haven't ever let you know

How it always goes

And I lose my nerve whenever you get close

The topic easily shifted to random things- my school, the teachers, subjects I hated, subjects I loved, my friends, all that. I was surprised that he would even be interested, but he seemed genuinely so. He told me about his cousins- the ones he was fond of-Lahela, who was a Warden in Heaven's prison, Abdiel, who was fighting in the seventh legion, little Ethan, who wasn't even seventy yet.

He seemed fondest of this much younger cousin. He had not met Ethan for a long time now, he said. He missed him. Catching the keen note of longing in his voice, I felt a wave of guilt wash over my conscience. Here was a soldier, not o unlike our humans who went to war, posted far away from home, lonely, in difficult conditions...he was no different. Here was a soldier who missed his family terribly, had not even a phone call a month to get him by, and here I had been hoping the war would go on for a while so I could have the pleasure of his company a bit longer.

"Don't feel guilty." His voice broke into my thought and I looked up at him, -

"I may or may not be able to sense certain emotions." He said, smiling slightly. "Emotions such as pain, anger, guilt...are easiest to sense, because they are dominant emotions in humans. Don't feel guilty about wanting me to stay."

My eyes flashed to his. How much did he know? He went on. "Often...we all want our friends to stay with us."He smiled kindly, but there was conflict in his eyes. He stood up, and I did too. "Thank you for the coffee, Arya." God, the way he said my name.

I looked up uncertainly. 'Was it...okay to drink?"

He laughed softly, it was a sweet sound. "It was the best human beverage I have ever had the fortune of tasting. Maybe I shall come over for more some day."

My heart took off soaring into the air...or whatever space constituted the sky in my body. "I had a lovely time, Castiel." I said, wanting him to know how happy he had made me. And one more thing.. " You were wrong though."

He raised an eyebrow. "About?"

"The dominant human emotion. It's love." I said softly, cherishing the beautiful meaning that one word held for me now.

"It is dominant." He acknowledged, blue eyes shining. "But often hard to recognize." He smiled, a smile that touched my heart.

"I'll see you soon, Arya."

And so I'm left, short of breath

With that heavy feeling in my chest

Baby I'm so crushed...

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