*I decided to re-post this story because looking back now I could see lots of mistakes and I think it'd be much easier for everyone to read if I repaired those. And I got a lovely feedback when I posted it those few years back. So, for the second time here, enjoy!*

I do not own Sekaiichi Hatsukoi.

He did it again. He pushed me away.

He's trying to run away again and again every time he sees me. He's going out of his way to avoid me. I guess he really doesn't love me since it goes like this for a couple of weeks already. It's painful. Very much.

'Stop it Takano-san!' He struggles to get away from me. 'I'm going to work and so should you!' Since he is my neighbour I ran on him when we were both leaving. However we met like this for the first time in quite a while - he gets up very early not to meet me and this time I did the same. When I saw him he immediately tried to go inside again but I pinned him to the wall. That's why he pushed me. Pain.

I wanted to talk to him. That's why I did this. I'm not letting him go unless we talk. And I told him that. He realized that he won't win with me because I'm stronger than him and he gave up struggling. 'What do you want to talk about?'

'Us.'

'There is NOTHING between us! And I want it to stay like this!'

It felt like he stabbed me on heart. 'Do you really mean it?' I didn't want to hear his answer 'cause I already knew it.

'Definitely yes! Now please let me go to work!'

It's not like I wasn't preparing myself for something like that. He was giving his all to convince me that I'm a burden to him and he doesn't want me. I met with him today to make him tell me his feelings straight. I needed this. I still had some hope before today. But now it's all over. He told me while looking in the eye that he doesn't love me and he never will.

I stood there with a sharp pain in my chest while he disappeared on the staircase. I felt warm tears welling up in my closed eyes. No! Don't cry! Not here! ... And not now. You still have some time before work to pull yourself together. That's good. Go home and prepare for work. Work. WORK.

That's it. I got into my apartament, headed to the bathroom and washed my face with freezing cold water. Work. Thinking about my authors I closed the door to my house and made my way to Emerald office of Marukawa Shoten. This is going to be a long day.

§§§

When I entered my office I was almost as cool and composed as ever. Well, that's what people thought. However inside me there was a storm of feelings. I was burning. And I knew that it'll end with nothing inside me. Just like then... The fire will spare nothing.

I answered some "mornings" as always and got into the elevator. Shit. It's Yokozawa.

'G'morning, Masamune'

'Morning' I said.

'Can I bring you Sorata tonight? I'm going out and he is missing you.'

'Yeah why not. I'll go with you to get him when I finish my work.'

'Okay see you then!' Looks like he didn't realize anything. He seemed distracted. Good for me.

He stepped out of the elevator. On the next floor I did the same. Then I entered the Emerald office.

And there he was. Working.

Taking a deep breath I passed him and sat on my chair. He didn't greet me and I couldn't do this too. It was still too early. I still could hear his words. There was too much emotion in me. Too much pain. No! Work! You can't disappoint your authors. You have to make people think that nothing happened. If they start to ask you it will be only more difficult. Besides it will bother Onodera and that is what you DON'T want. Think only about your work!

I sighed. Even if he didn't love me i stll loved him. But now I was in work and I had my duties. Feeling my chest and head start throbbing I focused on my work hoping I can just forget about everything else and drown in it.

That's how I managed to the end of the day. I think Yokozawa saw that something is not good with me when we were at his home but he was in a hurry so he didn't ask. I'm glad that he had to go out tonight. I can spend some time with Sorata. This cat I picked back in highschool and Yokozawa took him from me when Ritsu leaved me for the first time. I was heartbroken and he said that if i can't even look after myself I'll accidentally kill Sorata so he will take him. I never really recovered from this crush and so Sorata stayed with him. But today he's with me. Just when I need him. My first friend. He don't ask stupid questions or try to scold me. He just senses that I need help and gives it to me. He lays on my chest purring and clinging trying to comfort me. Again like all this years ago. Just like then Onodera Ritsu broke my heart. And just like then I'm curled on the floor in my house crying. I never cry. This is actually the second time in my life. And it is worst than the first time.

§§§

I spend the whole night on the floor with Sorata in my arms, crying. Finally I fell asleep lulled by my sobs and his purring.

When I woke up in the morning my head was throbbing with pain and so were my muscles after a night on the floor but I felt numb and hollow. I didn't have any tears left but even if I had I wouldn't cry anymore. I wanted just to lie there and do nothing though the floor was freezing cold. However that didn't matter. Nothing mattered. Why would something? He... Onodera Ritsu... my crush from the very highschool... Left me once. My fault. And now the second time. Why...? I guess this is my fault too. First time it was him who confessed first. In the beginning I thought he's just some minor irritating idiot. But... I fell in love with him. And I started feel embarrassed when I was with him. Then... he asked me if I do love him. I was nervous and realized the answer is "yes". I chuckled on my own stupidity. He was so cute. But this was the worst mistake in my life. He misunderstood this little laugh. And so he ran away leaving me with my newly born but oh so strong love. I never saw him nor heard anything from him. Once though when i was in the university I met one of my old friends who told me that someone from Ritsu's old class had fiancé and was with someone at the same time. When he told me how this guy looked like I knew. My Ritsu. What does it mean? He was... engaged? That made me wonder: had he ever loved me...? And so I ended up devastated and Yokozawa and Sorata helped me.

But this time...

When I met him for the first time after ten years I didn't recognize him. But then I heard how he was talking about books. I had fallen in love with him in the school library. And this guy... Then my suspicions were confirmed. HE was my lost love. He told me why he had left. My fault. It was my fault that both of us was suffering. But when I saw him with tears in his beautiful eyes I forgot about my pain. I wanted to comfort him. There and then. I kissed him for the second time. Now I know why I didn't recognize him by that kiss. Back in highschool he wanted me. But now he was heartbroken and he still haven't forgiven me. I wanted him so much. But I was forcing him to everything. From hugs and kisses to sex. He didn't want me from the start. My fault. I was trying to convince him to love me so hard that he grew to hate me. This cause me so much pain. I didn't have any tears left but instead of feeling numb I was in pain again. It was agony. Serves me right. I should suffer.

-purrrrr-

Sorata!

Right I can't do the same thing I did then. I was just laying dead inside watching blankly the ceiling. Sorata was with Yokozawa so... But this time my friend was with me trying his best to comfort me. I won't make Yokozawa take him away again. I won't fall like then!

Now Sorata is probably hungry. Go make him some food. He deserves it.

I got up from the floor and prepared something to eat. But only for my cat. I wasn't hungry and even if I was I couldn't swallow anything - my throat was too tight.

Today is Sunday. Good. I will pull myself together and when I go to work I will be like nothing happened. But I have to ask Yokozawa to let Sorata stay with me for some time. He will keep me from accidentally killing myself or going insane. He doesn't love you. I froze. Fuck. I need a cigarette. Smoking was helping me always when I was feeling stressed. I started smoking much more since Onodera came here. And now... I have to buy some 'cause I'm going to smoke a lot now. Much more than ever. And I need something to drink. Something strong.

'Help yourself Sorata' I said giving him his bowl. He thanked me purring and started eating. What now? I can't think about this again or I will end up insane. Work. Yeah work is good thing. I did almost everything yesterday but there always is something to do, right?

Sorata. Cigarettes. Alcohol. Work. This has to keep me from thinking about... Yeah, it HAS to work out.

Sorata came to sit with me on the couch while I was working: cigarette im my mouth and a bottle beside my papers. Now let's start with this.

And so started my new life: with a cat, addictions and overwhelming pain.

Hi minna-san! It is my first fanfiction ever so I'm fully aware that it probably isn't very good. Besides English isn't my first language so there must be some mistakes. Sorry for them. Anyway I want to improve soon so please leave a comment - I'm waiting for them, good or not :)