Chapter Four - Heyes

I've always had an affinity for animals. They like me and I like them. I admire anyone or anything that can love freely without reservations. Animals do that all the time. They never ask for anything in return; just the chance to please you. I can't do that anymore. Hell, I'm not sure I ever could.

I was an only child and, while I had a lot of cousins living just down the road, I spent many hours alone caring for and playing with the various critters we had. My Pa taught me early on that it is a man's responsibility to care for those less capable than you and I've tried to live by that. He's gone now, but he taught me well.

When Carl Oakley and his brothers rode in, I knew right off I wanted nothing to do with them. I might be an outlaw, but that doesn't mean I'm cruel. Those three had been riding hard trying to evade a posse for the better part of a week, but that didn't account for the condition of their animals. You can drop a few hundred pounds off a horse in a short time, but you don't get that emaciated, hollow look to them unless you've been neglecting them long term. I looked at their horses and then I looked at them. The Oakleys looked a little too well fed and the comparison didn't go down well with me.

Kid saw it, too. He thinks I'm kind of silly about my critters, says I shouldn't make pets out of them all, but he's kind to his animals, too. I've seen him slipping our horses carrots and apples when he thinks I'm not looking. I make a game of letting him think I've almostcaught him at it. Popping up behind him and startling him. Drives him nuts. I also know how Kid likes to eat and it can be downright scary to see him suck in food; but he is forever dropping little bits of meat on the floor and never quite picking them up before Lucifer gets them. Like the fastest gun in the West can't beat a tomcat to the draw.

When the Oakley's rode in, Kid saw what I saw and he gave me a glance. Kid's a real good man and he doesn't tolerate bullies at all. He was asking me if I wanted him to send them packing. I couldn't do that as much as I wanted to; not with a posse camped outside the Hole. It would've been murder and I don't hold with that. I told them to bed down in the barn instead. Walt caught the insult and narrowed his eyes at me but he could see that was all I'd offer and he took it.

That night I heard Lucifer screaming, and I up and ran towards the sound. It was coming from the barn and I knew that something terrible had happened to him. Maybe a fox had got him, but nothing prepared me for the sight I saw as I entered the barn. Lucifer was pinned to the wall by a knife and the Oakley boys were all sitting around laughing about it like it was funny in some sick way. I saw the empty sheath in Carl's hand and I felt my temper rise. Now, normally I have no trouble controlling my temper, but this wasn't normal. I barely held it together long enough to free Luce and pass him off to Preacher.

I'd meant to rough up Carl a bit and then throw them all out, but I lost sight of that plan real quick. I don't really know what came over me. I'd hauled Carl to his feet and punched him a couple times. He came back at me and got in a few good licks, too. Carl started laughing and then he whispered in my ear, "Jesus, Heyes, it's only a f**king cat. Let it go." Like I shouldn't care that he was torturing Luce because he was only a cat.

I felt my anger slip my control and, as though from real far away, I heard the soldiers laughing, and saying, "c'mon, he's only a farmer. Let it go." I saw it all again. I could smell the blood and taste the fear. I've had nightmares about it before, but never while I was awake. It was as though it was happening all over again and I was there all over again. I've never told anyone this, not even the Kid, but I saw my Pa murdered and I couldn't stop it. I was coming through the woods and had nearly made it home when I saw the soldiers drag him out of our house and kill him. They did it in a real ugly way, too. It all happened so fast. He was dead before I realized it and it dropped me to the ground in my tracks. I've always felt that he saved my life by giving up his.

I guess I dropped Carl as well because when I came back to myself he was on the ground. The gang had gathered around, backing me up as they always do, but they were all looking at me real strange. Kid caught my eye and let me know it was over. I sent the Oakleys packing and put Wheat, Kyle and Lobo in charge of getting them out of the Hole alive.

I could feel the rest of the boys' eyes on me, and I didn't like it so I made a beeline for the cabin. Preacher was there with Lucifer and had calmed him some. Luce didn't really like to be held. He preferred to choose his moments for human contact. Preacher had wrapped him up in the old quilt off my bed. The only things showing were his head and his tail. Preacher had forced a bit of whiskey down his throat to quiet him and it was working. I got out the medical supplies and, with Preacher's help, cleaned Lucifer up as best I could. We couldn't save the tip of his tail so I removed what was left of it and cauterized the stump. Funny, if you pick Luce up he'll claw and squirm until he fights his way loose. This time he hardly twitched when we were working on him. I guess it was shock or the whiskey, but I like to think he knew we were doing our best to help him. He's a really good cat and deserves to be treated with respect.

Finally, we were done and Preacher left. I stoked the fire real high and spent the rest of that night in the rocker in front of it with Luce on my lap. He hardly moved but I could tell he liked the feel of me stroking him so I kept at it. Kid never came back to the cabin that night. He always knows just when I need some space to sort things out and, after that night, I needed a lot of space. I was badly shaken by what I had experienced and I was ashamed of losing control. As for Carl, he got a taste of his own medicine, but I didn't like being the one to give it. Carl is a cruel, ignorant man with no concern for the helpless. Beating him that way brought me down to his level and I hated that.

I kept to myself the next few days. Kid came round to check on me and bring me food, but I wasn't real hungry. I had a lot running through my mind that took away my appetite. I would've liked to talk to Kid about it, but I didn't feel I could. It was all I could do to keep the memories at bay. I didn't want to drag it all up to him. He'd been there and suffered through it the first time. No sense in taking him back there with me. Talking would've helped me in the long run but it might've destroyed both of us there and then. I let him think that I was embarrassed and ashamed by my actions and was licking my wounds. I was licking wounds, just not the ones he thought.

Instead, I concentrated on Lucifer. He was a bit fevered the first couple of days, so I sat with him on my lap for most of the day thinking my thoughts and talking things over with him. He's a real good listener and I am a talker. It was comforting and I ended up telling him everything about that day we lost our folks. Seeing the smoke, the look of my Ma after the soldiers finished with her, the look on Jed's face when I found him. I cried a lot, too, which I never do; and I was glad to be free to. It was during that time that I realized that my efforts to heal him were healing me, too. An animal has a way of giving you just what you need the most.

The hardest part about going for the amnesty was leaving the Hole and leaving old Lucifer behind. I found a real good home for him with a widow lady I knew in Belton. She loves cats and they live well with her. I still write to her from time to time just to see how he is. She writes back to me in care of Lom.

She tells me Luce is getting on now but he still has his place on the rocker by the fire. It gives me peace to know that.