Hi all! This is my first story so please be gentle, but tell me what you think! It starts off pretty sad. It'll lighten up, I promise :) Also, I don't know diddly about the medical jargon, so if it sounds weird, it is. Thanks!
It was another dreary morning at Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital-House shuffles in the DDX room and plops down in the only empty seat, completely oblivious to the fact that everyone had shown up three hours prior. Chase was brushing up on his Angry Birds skills and using Taub's seat for his feet. Park was doodling a rather comical cartoon, in which he could only deduce her inspiration for the old, grumpy looking character was none other than yours truly. Adams was reading through the potential cases. And Taub was having it out with someone on his phone, right outside the room.
House: Park! Coffee! Now!
Park: Why do I have to get it? Is it because I'm a girl?
House: Shhhhhh! (whispers) No, because Chase fucks it up on purpose (Chase smirked and continued launching the famously perturbed birds), and Adams is the only one actually working.
Park: Why are you whispering?
House: Taub's baby momma drama; I like to be reminded of what I cunningly and ever so narrowly avoided by pulling out all these years.
House leaned his ear a little closer to the door.
House: Ha! Sorry bastard. Adams! Case?
Adams: Now, why are you yelling?
House: For effect, establishing dominance over my minions.
Adams: Right, well, we have a 32 year old man with epilepsy that's developed an incessant yawn-
House: YAWN! Next!
Adams: A 26 year old female, says she fell and has been experiencing chronic orgasms ever since.
House: Ding! Ding! We have a winner!
Park acceptingly obliged to his earlier request, getting him is morning cup-o-Joe.
House: Make the leaf. I like it with the leaf.
Park: I don't know ho-
House perks a disbelieving eyebrow at her.
Park: Fine! (Rolling her eyes)
She knew full well that spoiling him now would lead to coffee "leafing" as a permanent gig. She set it down in front of him and smiled at her with a mischievous grin. Much like a misbehaved child in a toy store whose embarrassing antics scored them a new play thing.
House: symptoms?
Adams: that's it. She was doing aerobics, slipped, and now orgasms four times an hour on average.
Park: Nerve damage?
Chase: (still playing) pffft, and why is this a problem?
Adams: Because, it must be terrible not to be able to control… that. Not to mention embarrassing.
House puffs his cheeks.
House: Right, well as this diagnosis is obviously a given, it should keep Foreman off my back for a while.
House rubs his closed eyes and tries to shake off his visible fatigue.
Chase: Late night?
House: You know it! (Holding a hand up for a high five)
House: I have a hard time telling TAUB'S MOM "NO". RIGHT GUY? (He yells, directing his words out the door)
Taub, having no idea what he said, smiled, and held up his index finger- Indicating his intention on joining them.
Adams: This isn't much of a differential diagnosis, so I'll go get the patient an MRI.
Park: I'll draw some blood.
Both doctors walked out of the room.
House looked at Chase, clearly annoyed and jealous from his lack of feathered stimulation. "Gimme that" He snatched the tablet from Chase's hands.
House: Go research what kind of strippers Wilson is into. I have a hell of a weekend planned.
Chase: I'll get up if I can come too.
House: Fine, but I'm not babysitting. If you pass out and get robbed, I'm leaving you there.
Chase: Yes! No problem. (Happily exiting)
Taub finally walks in to see House leaning back in his chair with his legs crossed on the table, still playing the game.
House: Oh COME ON! Don't smile at me! (Yelling at the game) stupid pigs…Oh you, welcome to the party princess. Go test the patient for something.
Taub: We have a case?
House: Oh yeah, that's right. You don't know what the hell is going on because you were out there...mmm fecal smear?
Taub: What?
House: Fecal smear, the patient needs her poopy checked. Luckily, I think she's hot, so you might enjoy it…If you're into that kinda thing.
Taub: I doubt a fecal smear is top priority in finding out whatever is wrong with the patient.
House: But you don't know because YOU WERE OUT THERE (points to the door). For all you know, you could save the day and we'll have a new case by this afternoon. Well, I'm off to see the patient.
Taub: You never want to see patients.
House: Oh, I want to see this one.
House: Hi uh, (looks at the file) Kelly? My name is Dr. House, and you must be either blessed or really good looking to be graced by my presence. By the looks of it, you're both. (Hinting to her larger than average cup-size)
The patient rolled her eyes. She wasn't very tall, but she was still very attractive with fair skin and long wavy dark hair.
Kelly: Yeah, normally I would be irritated by your disgusting behavior, but I need you to save me from this hell, so I'll keep my mouth shut.
House: Orgasms? Seems like a dream for most people. Hell, if I finished four times an hour, I'd be the most pleasant doctor in this joint.
Kelly: You would think so, but I hate it.
House: Any chance, you fall on your head?
He only half sarcastically quipped, wondering if she had indeed fallen on her head.
Kelly: No. My back, but I hit my neck on a table when I tried to catch myself. It isn't as bad at home, but when I go to work, it's lead to countless awkward and embarrassing scenarios. The orgasms increase in intensity throughout the day, so the first couple of hours- I can pretend nothing is happening. But as the day goes on, it becomes harder to be discreet.
House: (intrigued) Why not go to the bathroom?
Kelly: Yeah, like I haven't thought of that. It becomes impossible for everyone to ignore the chick moaning and screaming in the bathroom…every day. I've been hit on by nearly every man there and assaulted by two. I haven't made a big deal about it because I'm not really sure I can blame them.
House: If you say "no, it's "no" NO exceptions. Blame goes on whomever cross that line.
Kelly: I guess. I just need this to stop. It's hard to convince men that I'm not interested in them, given my circumstances.
House: All men or some men? (Raising an eyebrow)
Kelly smiled.
Kelly: All, for the most part.
House: No! You? Damn, there goes another.
House takes a step towards the door and yells down the hall "Hey FOREMAN! WHERE DID 13 SAY SHE WAS GOING?"
Kelly: Who's 13?
A little while later and the entire team (except for Taub) were back lounging in the DDX room. All of a sudden, Wilson rushed in with a sense of urgency and red-rimmed eyes. "Need to talk to you" he said and paced into House's office without stopping his stride. House solemnly stood wondering what cancer patient or severely disfigured kitten had gotten to Jimmy this time. House entered his office. His eyebrows were in full scowl as he tried to assess Wilson's rattled state.
House: What?
Wilson had a hand on his forehead, rubbing both temples with his thumb and middle finger.
Wilson: I uh…
He inhaled a long deep breath, took a wide stance, and put both hands on his hips. It was obvious he was subconsciously preparing them both for the deliverance of potentially catastrophic information. House's brow furrowed a bit more and the lines on his forehead multiplied.
House: What? Damn it!
Wilson: I got a call from Julia…
Wilson said, searching for recognition in House's eyes but found none.
House: Child?
Wilson: Cuddy! Julia! Her sister!
House: I thought I made it clear, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING-
Wilson: House! (He paused) Lisa died…
His voice became lower now and he released a small sob.
Wilson: She was in a car accident last night, coming home from wor-
House: STOP!
He held his hand up and tightly shut his eye lids, not wanting Wilson to delve into the details just yet. House's breathing became shallow and his voice cracked as he tried to speak.
House: (with his eyes still clenched) Wha-what happened to her?
Wilson: Her car was rear-ended on the highway by a semi…it was crushed into another semi in front of her. The driver said he didn't see her. She died at the scene.
House tried to exhale but let out a hyperventilated sob of his own. He slowly spun around. Not really sure what to do with himself, he leaned one arm against the window and used the other hand to hold himself up with his cane. He stared out, undoubtedly trying to hide his reaction from Wilson and his team. They were of course, watching through the closed glass door, wondering what in the world could have happened to upset their curmudgeonly callous boss so. It was raining as he stared out into the grey morning. The droplets fell, mocking him, urging his own to spill…parallel to each other until they hit the ground. He hated the rain. He released a small sad laugh to collect himself (unsuccessfully)…He dropped his cane and pounded the window with his fist…HARD. Wilson watched him stand there for what felt like forever.