Thank you ClearSnow for beta reading this chapter 3

Thank you to all you beautiful, crazy reviewers! Have a cookie! I really like to know what you think and what unit you would pick for yourself.

Special thanks to LittleTrancyGirl, SelenaWolf, Eglentyne and UniversalSweetheart for leaving multiple reviews. I love you guys! Thank you!

I know I promised Ciel, it's only Claude for now, please don't kill me!

***Congratulations!***

You are now the proud owner of a Claude Faustus – spectacled bastard © *kichiku megane* unit from our premium Kuroshitsuji line. Follow this manual to get the maximum usage and enjoyment out of your unit.

Claude used to be a spider demon with an immaculate pedigree; however, over the course of his unnaturally long life, he seems to have been bitten by many creatures (including but not limited to: a giraffe with rabies, a radioactive Disney Princess, a extremely aggressive seme with various substance abuse problems, and a pedobear) and has subsequently appropriated some of their , who is purely a crow demon, regards him as tainted and repulsive.

This unit functions in the same capacity as the Sebastian unit, but if you are aiming to own a perfect butler, we recommend the Sebastian unit, as Claude has been known to unrepentantly commit faux pas like dripping sauce on the rim of plates.

*disclaimer * Our company is not liable for any mental, physical, monetary, or property damage that you may suffer as a direct or indirect consequence of opening this box.

*disclaimer* Claude is not affiliated with Spiderman or Spiderpig.

This unit comes with a one year warranty that covers any damage inflicted by Sebastian.

His soul eating ability has been disabled; however he is not as loyal as Sebastian and sees the contract as more of a guideline than strict code of conduct. You'll find that he has his own selfish goals so keep an eye on him!

Initial Activation:

The butler of the Trancy household should come fully assembled and equipped. Please check his accessories before proceeding; later claims cannot be taken into account.

He comes with:

- A set of clothing befitting a butler of the Victorian era

- 60 pcs. of gilded cutlery (all of which are counterparts to Sebastian's silver set)

- A pair of glasses, silver

If you wish to attain additional merchandise our range includes:

- A black top hat and a cape (Claude seems to think wearing these items renders him completely unrecognizable. They really don't.)

- Cuddly pink flannel pyjamas with a heart pattern and a matching night cap

- A pink ball gown, a sceptre, a tiara, and a singing bird (available in several designer pastel shades)

- A chef outfit with accompanying shawl (It looks strange, but Claude will not wear one without the other.)

- An voice-controlled obedience collar that will electroshock him if he misbehaves or acts out, making him easier to control

Claude's green demon sword 'Laevatein', which he likes to store inside of Hanna Anafeloz and which he often tries to impale Sebastian with, is not included, nor can it be obtained.

Claude is voice-activated. Before activating him, make sure to place his contract seal somewhere on your body (The more prominent the spot, the stronger the connection will be).

*Warning* Unlike the Sebastian unit, Claude sometimes tells lies.

*Warning* If you desire a romantic relationship with this unit, NEVER tell him that you love him; treating him with resentment instead will cause him to fall for you.

*Warning* Keep him away from Alois units - especially if you don't own the obedience collar. If you own a Claude and Alois unit simultaneously, make sure they don't form a contract and don't leave them alone together as Claude is a bad influence on Alois and could end up fatally damaging him.

*Warning* Claude despises most women by default, so you will need to show him that an attitude like that is not acceptable! Do not allow him to make derogatory remarks about anyone in your household or call anyone names! Feel free to order him around and threaten him (Don't worry about offending him with this; he likes it).

Features:

Claude is capable of fulfilling all of his butler's duties; however, he prefers to delegate work if possible. His favourite pastimes are tap-dancing and, freakily enough, crocheting.

Mannerisms and Character:

The name "Faustus" should be foreboding in itself, as a Faustian Contract is defined as a deal made with the devil in order to fulfil long-harboured wishes, ending with the demon taking the soul of the person with whom he or she shares the Contract after a set amount of time or after the human's goal is achieved. Of course, we have rendered the Claude unit unable to devour souls, but since he used to feed on souls with greater frequency than Sebastian - going for quantity, not quality - he is predisposed to tire of his owner quickly, so do your best to keep him under your thumb, or at least entertained!

The Claude unit tends to be very phlegmatic, uncommunicative, and reserved unless he is offered some blood (which he considers delicious). After that, his behaviour will become erratic: he will sing, dance, and jealously defend you while making sexual innuendos and generally acting like a complete creeper.

Cleaning:

Claude would feel only contempt towards any master willing to lower him or herself to the task of bathing a mere butler, so you might as well let him take care of himself.

Recharging:

Like the Sebastian unit, this unit does not require any kind of sustenance. However, you will find him delighted to accept a few drops of blood.

*warning* Sadly, Claude is not above undignified behaviour and will most likely try to lap at any and every spatter of blood he comes across, which will occasionally make things awkward for you if you take him outdoors. After all, if people see a man with a 20-inch tongue lapping at any random puddles of blood he finds on the ground, they tend to shoot first and ask questions later (especially if they are familiar with the Resident Evil franchise). Furthermore, allowing Claude to lick up strange pools of blood from unknown origins could end with him becoming obsessed with someone else, which would only cause further headaches for you. In short, unless the idea of being caught in a crossfire of bullets and golden cutlery appeals to you, it's probably best to keep him locked up inside your house at all times.

Lubrication:

If he tells you his "spidey sense" is tingling, he is trying to tell you he is horny, not that he senses impending danger. While most sane humans would react to such an announcement with extreme dread and run away screaming, spiders also need love. Claude will possibly demand some "alone time" with any Sebastian units in the vicinity and will shamelessly flirt with them. Sebastian (between his tendency to sneer a lot in Claude's presence and a proclivity towards sensuously removing his gloves with his teeth, accompanying the gesture with an overload of suggestive blinking) seems to bring out Claude's aggressive seme side. The two units normally commence liaisons with excessive groping, followed by a romantic candlelit dinner and a cook-off culminating in playful cake batter fights that end messily in more ways than one. You will have to decide if you will allow your Claude unit to engage in such activities. We suggest videotaping the progress of the courtship and mass-producing copies to sell on eBay. No one ever said putting up with this bastard didn't have any potential perks.

Troubleshooting and FAQ:

How to reset your unit: Shout: "You'll never be Fred Astaire!" (or, if you're feeling playful, pretend to let him devour your soul).

Problem: His mouth contorted into this totally creepy "U" shape. I was so scared!

Answer: If the Claude unit attempts to smile you should indeed be alarmed, because when he acts suspiciously friendly, he is probably concocting evil schemes. Don't be surprised if you are woken up within the next few days by high-pitched screaming coming from your basement or the sounds of someone chuckling lowly to themselves like a complete freaking lunatic. We don't actually know the details of whatever crap he pulls during these episodes, and frankly, we don't want to know badly enough to find out. We suggest you ignore these episodes as best you can and purchase a pair of earplugs to get you through the nights to come.

Problem: Claude is munching on the rose bushes in the garden.

Answer: As we mentioned earlier, Claude possesses several giraffe-like qualities. These enable him to consume these thorny plants without harming himself (In case you didn't know, giraffes are among the toughest species in the animal kingdom. ...Apparently). However, if you find such behaviour unacceptable, we recommend loudly insulting him until he stops.

Problem: Claude redecorated my house with spider webs and spiders and refuses to take them outside.

Answer: Well he is a spider demon after all. If you are disturbed by the presence of common garden-variety spiders why did you go out and get yourself a butler whose real form is a gigantic arachnid? Really, you should just try to deal with your new house guests. Think of all the good spiders do! They will eat any pesky mosquitoes or flies that manage to sneak into your house, and if, for whatever reason, you have a bizarre phobia of Ron Weasley sneaking into your room at night to stare at you while you sleep well then you can start to rest easy again, as Weasley hates spiders! Practically faints at the mere sight of them, that red-headed pansy! Er, *cough* anyway, just try not to kill any or Claude will pout for days and generally make your life miserable. Threatening to murder one is a good way to manipulate him though.

Problem: Claude showed up with a Ciel unit, insisted that he "found" it lying around somewhere, and proceeded to try and molest it in the bathtub.

Answer: 99% percent of the characters in Kuroshitsuji deem Ciel irresistible and Claude is no exception. Reset him immediately, before his infatuation with Ciel reaches really disturbing proportions (during which the Claude unit attempts to do things like kiss Ciel's feet). Next call the Shinigami hotline at 1-800-REAPERS to report that you found a Ciel unit and to give them his serial number to help find the owner. We recommend keeping Claude deactivated as long as Ciel is at your house to avoid any further complications.

Alternatively, you could reset the Claude unit and keep the Ciel unit, but since the Ciel unit won't be satisfied with Claude's service it is probably not worth the hassle.

Problem: He stuck a knife in my sister "for safekeeping" and claimed it had magical powers. O_O

Answer: Our deepest condolences, but the disclaimer still applies. In our defense, there were probably warning signs prior to the incident that you chose to ignore for whatever reason (E.g. Claude refused to refer to your sister as anything but monikers like "slut" or "whore," Claude viciously cut her out of all your family portraits and possibly pasted in pictures of himself in her place, Claude ripped the heads off of all her female dolls and threw them in the fireplace, Claude stuck a knife in the side of a jack o' lantern and left it outside her door along with a Post-it saying "You," etc.)

Problem: He got pwned by Sebastian.

Answer: If this occurs within the 1 - year warranty you can get a replacement Claude unit; to do so please contact our helpline. Either way his loss was, frankly, inevitable and has nothing to do with any manufacturing errors; it is only natural that the Sebastian unit would triumph, even if it at first looks like Claude has the upper hand, since the Sebastian unit is a much more powerful demon than the Claude unit, despite any appearances to the contrary. We hope you weren't betting on the fight with anyone. Ouch.

Problem: On several occasions, when I've awoken in the middle of the night, I've found Claude gazing at me with an unpleasant expression, or hanging from the ceiling, staring at me without blinking.

Answer: Well, there's no immediate need to fear for your physical well-being, since Claude seems to have becomeinfatuated with you. The stalkerish behaviour is part of Claude's character. Really, you should be more concerned if you don't find him staring at you longingly, because that probably means he's become obsessed with someone else and is currently planning your demise.

Problem: He destroyed my Alois unit!

Answer: Sorry, no refund! This is not covered by the warranty. We warned you!

Final note:

Good luck with this bastard! You're gonna need it!

I actually like Ron, so don't be mad Wonwons!

Buy my love as long as it's cheap and review! I promise I will eventually do one for Ciel, Grell, William, and Ronald. *wiggles eyebrows*

Ciel: You all seem to have no idea what Sebastian is really capable of doing! He hasn't returned yet, but I am confident that he is just being pedantic, as always.

You should all cower in fear! If this madness continues I will find a way to fuck up your cybering devices in retaliation for your insolence!