Not your average Twilight fanfic. Enjoy!

It's another dreary day at Forks High. Except for the new girl, that is. It's not every day we get a new kid in Forks, and this one's Chief Swan's daughter. Bella seems nice enough, a little boring though. And she always has her head down with her hair falling in front of her face. Reminds me of Samara from The Ring, as harsh as that sounds. I really hope she doesn't have issues; this school has enough weirdoes already. Only one way to find out. After Spanish, I invite her to join my table in the cafeteria. She mumbles something I can't make out, but then she nods her head jerkily. I let out a loud sigh. As we walk to the cafeteria, I babble about teachers and classes, just for something to say. I hate awkward silences.

As we slide into our seats at the table, I spot Mike's spiked hair out of the corner of my eye. I lean forward in my chair to get a better look. He's wearing a light blue sweater today that matches the exact shade of his eyes. Damn, he's cute. Not going to lie, I'd tap that.

"Hey, Mike," I say, shooting him my brightest smile. He looks up and returns the smile, waving cheerily at me.

"Hey, Jess."

I let out a quiet groan as I see his eyes fall on Bella. Of course Mike would be excited at the idea of a new girl. She's the only one in town who doesn't know that he wet his pants in grade two. Unless I told her… which I won't. For now.

Mike looks at me expectantly, waiting for me to introduce him to Bella. I resist the urge to roll my eyes at his eagerness as I turn to her. "Bella, this is Mike. Mike, Bella."

Mike throws Bella the most desperate grin I've ever seen and waggles his eyebrows at her. I choke a little on my milk, and I have to pretend to laugh to brush it off. Bella turns tomato red and bats her eyelashes at lightning speed before looking back down at her almost empty lunch tray. Usually, I would rip out the hair of any girl who dared to bat her eyelashes at Mike, but I notice that eyelash-batting seems to be something Bella does on a regular basis. That and twitching. She seems to be a very twitchy sort of person.

I turn back to Mike and narrow my eyes at him. Sure, he's a looker, but he has the maturity of a five-year-old boy. Not to mention a pretty crappy personality. I mean he can be sweet and he's adorable, but I've seen the moody side of him and it isn't any fun.

Ben, who's sitting beside Mike, can't seem to keep his eyes of Angela. Knowing Angela, she probably thinks that Ben is staring at Bella, even though they aren't sitting anywhere near each other. Angela's the kind of girl who isn't insecure but doesn't flatter herself. To be honest, sometimes I wish I was more like her. I'm the type of girl who's either super confident or super insecure, and it gets to be a hassle sometimes. Especially around guys.

Eric, who's sitting to Bella's left, has been trying to get Bella's attention ever since she first sat down at the table. I catch him wave his hand in her face once, and I have to grit my teeth to stop myself from laughing out loud. Suddenly, I notice that Bella is staring past our table and all the way over to the far corner of the cafeteria. I follow her gaze and exhale heavily when I realize that she's staring at the Cullens.

'Great,' I think, taking another sip of my milk. 'Here come the questions.'

I probably shouldn't be so bitter. The Cullens have inspired me to come up with one of my greatest theories yet. Ever since they moved into town, they've kept to themselves, secluded from the rest of Forks High. From their flawless complexions (foundation, obviously) to their killer bodies, they are sickeningly perfect. This is why I have come to the conclusion that the Cullens are the pale versions of the Kardashians. They are the Kullens.

Sure enough, after a few moments, Bella turns to me with wide eyes. "Who are they?"

I roll my eyes, but Bella doesn't seem to catch it. How can I describe the Cullens to a girl who is seeing them for the first time? I look over to their table, narrowing my eyes as I scrutinize each one of them.

The large one with tons of curly black hair is Emmett. The gorilla of the group. He manages to intimidate everyone in Forks High, including the teachers, with one single look. Sitting beside him is his adopted brother Jasper, the blonde psychopath. He looks like he wants to murder everyone he makes eye contact with, and I have to admit, he scares me the most out of all of them. The psychopath has his arm around the waist of spiky-haired Alice, his adopted sister and (shudder) girlfriend. This girl is thin in the extreme, and she makes me want to buy her a cheeseburger. With fries. Sitting beside Alice is Rosalie, Emmett's girlfriend and the only Cullen that I somewhat respect. Because honestly, God only knows how long it took her to get a body like that. And she seems like the only Cullen who isn't fake. Sure, she has a disdainful expression on her face all the time and she looks down her nose at everyone, even her family, but at least she's real about it.

And lastly, Edward. The Kim of the Kullens. He's the broodiest of them all, probably because he's the only one who isn't in a relationship. He has this expression on his face that just screams 'I'm judging you', and it constantly gets on my nerves. His bronze hair may look dreamy to other girls, but all I see is five-hundred-dollar highlights. What kind of douche gets highlights? He probably moisturizes his face everyday too. And I wouldn't be surprised if that was guyliner making his eyelashes look so dark and thick.

But, of course, I can't say all of this to the new girl. So I turn back to her and flash her what I hope is a cheery smile. "The Cullens."

Bella stares back at me with raised eyebrows and a slightly open mouth, obviously waiting for me to continue. I sigh for what feels like the hundredth time today. "Edward, Emmett and Alice Cullen, and the blonde ones are Jasper and Rosalie Hale. They all live together with Dr. Cullen and his wife."

I've only ever met Dr. Cullen once before, when I sprained my ankle in volleyball two years ago. He's just as sickeningly perfect as his adopted children, but I can't help but like him because of how nice he was to me about my ankle. From what I hear, his wife is just as pretty as the rest of them and just as nice as her husband. This leaves me wondering how their adopted children ended up being so unfriendly.

"They are... very nice-looking," Bella manages to choke out, her gaze fixated on the Cullens' table. I raise my eyebrows at her and I can't help but feel sorry for her for being so awkward. I mean, she's a pretty girl but the awkwardness just kills it.

"I guess?" I reply, shrugging slightly. Bella, who is still staring at the Cullens, suddenly goes bright red again and looks down at her lap. I turn around to look at the Cullens' table and find Kim – I mean Edward – looking at Bella with slightly raised eyebrows. His eyes suddenly swivel to meet mine, obviously expecting me to look down as well, but I glare back pointedly until he looks back down at his bagel.

I watch him pick at his bagel for a few moments with an incredulous expression on my face. I know he isn't going to eat it; none of them eat. But it's pretty entertaining to watch them think they're fooling all of us. They're probably all anorexic. I look down at my steaming pizza, scoffing under my breath. Been there, done that, so not worth it.

I turn my gaze back on the Cullens and I take a big chomp out of my pizza, making myself clearly visible to them as I chew on the cheesy deliciousness with relish. I can see Ki – Edward – smiling as I devour my pizza, but quite frankly, I couldn't care less.

As I polish off my lunch, I notice that Bella is turning red again. I look up to find that the Kullens are on the move, heading for the cafeteria doors, which are unfortunately just past our table. As they sashay in our direction, I can't help but think that their posse should have a theme song. I snicker at the thought until I catch Edward looking straight in my direction, as though he somehow knew what I was thinking. I look up towards the ceiling and thank the heavens that no one can read my thoughts. Imagine the horror if my Kardashian theory got out.

I can see Bella batting her eyelashes and biting at her lower lip out of the corner of my eye, and I roll my eyes. Why do girls bite their lower lip anyway? I've tried it before and it kind of hurts. Besides, Mike didn't even seem to notice.

I look up at Edward as he passes our table, and I notice him do a double take when he sees Bella batting her eyelashes in his direction. I have to slap my hand over my mouth to stop my laugh from echoing throughout the cafeteria. He throws her a weird look before his eyes flicker to my face. His mouth curves into a smirk when he catches me laughing, and I quickly drop my hand and narrow my eyes back at him. I hate guys who smirk. I've always associated smirks with arrogant, selfish bastards. I watch the back of Edward's head with a scowl on my face. If only looks could kill...

As soon as the thought forms in my head, Edward looks straight at me with an unfathomable expression on his face. I meet his gaze with a glare, determined not to break eye contact. The first thing I notice is how black his eyes are; I've never noticed that before. I scoff under my breath. If the eyes are the windows to the soul, then I'm looking straight into Edward Cullen's black, stony, ice-cold soul. Nice to know.

Suddenly, he starts laughing. Edward is laughing almost maniacally in the middle of the cafeteria, and he's looking right at me. I stare back, fully aware of the look of pure disbelief on my face. All of his siblings are looking at him with confused expressions except for Alice, who promptly grabs Edward by the elbow and drags him out of the cafeteria with considerable ease.

I turn to look at Bella, who's watching me with a blank expression on her face. I give her a noncommittal shrug and turn back to what's left of my lunch, trying to wrap my head around what just happened.

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