Title: 3 AM
Inspiration: The song "3 AM" by Matchbox Twenty came on the radio twice today… Obviously, I couldn't just let that go unnoticed. Baby, it's 3 AM, I must be lonely… I mean, come on. Who could pass that up?
Summary: From the bits and pieces I've seen of last week's episode, I've formulated a little variation of that last scene with Lexie and Derek (and beyond).
.
She said, "It's cold outside," and she hands me my raincoat.
She's always worried about things like that.
Well, she said, "It's all gonna end," then it might as well be my fault.
.
Mark Sloan is lying alone in bed, his eyes shut closed. He's trying to sleep—he's been trying to sleep for the last hour—but it hasn't come. Now, he knows, he's simply pretending. And he knows why, though he'd never admit it to anyone who asked.
Well, he might admit it to one person. But she'd never ask.
I miss you too.
Sometimes he thinks he made that up. There's no way she actually said it. But then he recalls the way she smiled, the way her eyes lit up, the almost relieved ring her voice had…
I miss you too.
He reaches up, putting a hand over his eyes.
"I have a girlfriend," he mumbles to himself, as if saying it aloud would make the statement more true. Or would make her, the other her, disappear from his head.
When he squeezes his eyes shut, he can still see her. The almost startled way she spoke, how they were both trying to reassure each other of things that barely mattered…
I don't make you uncomfortable do I?
He never added the latter half of that statement that had been swirling around in his head. You make me uncomfortable. I can barely look at you, and then when I do, I can't look away… He groans quietly to himself, pinching the bridge of his nose. He drops his hand a moment later, looking to his left. For a second, the empty sheets beside him are filled and he isn't alone anymore.
There's a smiling, happy woman lying there.
But it's not his girlfriend.
He shuts his eyes again, trying to fall asleep again and pretending that didn't just happen. Neither works.
.
And she only sleeps when it's raining
And she screams, and her voice is strained
.
"Look, Lexie, I have to put Zola to bed…" Derek eyes his sister-in-law seriously, still worried for her after the talk they had. "Are you going to be okay?"
Lexie Grey nods, forcing a bright smile. "I'll be fine, Derek, thank you."
He sighs quietly, looking down to his daughter. "Look," he begins, "I know things are really hard right now—"
"They're not hard, Derek," Lexie cuts in, unable to help herself, "they're impossible. You don't—You don't—" She groans, ducking her head down. "You just don't get it, okay? So stop trying."
"I completely get it."
His calm, honest voice forces her to look up again. "Meredith?" She mumbles, already knowing the answer.
He nods. "So I get it, okay? I know what you're going through."
"Yes, but how do I get through it? How do I end it?"
Derek hefts his daughter in his arms, getting to his feet. "Either you stop caring—" Lexie scoffs, rolling her eyes and silently declaring that option unacceptable "—or you tell him."
Lexie closes her eyes, looking down. "I already told you that didn't work."
"Try harder."
"I—I can't! God, Derek, I have tried—!"
"No, you haven't." He pauses, staring down at her. "You tried to talk to him in the hospital right?" Lexie nods. He frowns at her. "In public, in front of all those nurses and doctors… All those people staring at you, watching you, waiting for what you're going to say…" He shakes his head, holding back a laugh. "Lexie, this isn't the sort of thing meant for a public reveal, okay? If you want to actually do it—and do it right—you need to be alone with him, okay? He's supposed to be the only one staring at you, watching you, waiting to hear what you're going to say… This is something meant for his ears only, so make sure that's what happens."
The wishful hope that had been on Lexie's face while Derek spoke faded and crumbled away after he finished. Derek's eyes narrowed at her, confused at her rapid change in confidence. "He has a girlfriend," she mutters by way of explanation.
"Oh, a girlfriend," Derek mocks, rolling his eyes.
Lexie glares up at him menacingly; he smiles briefly down at her before she can get too angry.
"She's his girlfriend, Lexie," he continues. "Girlfriend," he stresses. "Not fiancée, not wife… They don't even live together. And you better convince him quick before she becomes any of those things, Lexie. Because he will settle for second best if it's offered to him. And Julia's a great person, sure, but trust me—in this situation, she does not mean that much. Not compared to you and what you mean to him. You're his first choice, Lexie, you always have been."
Lexie smiles a little at his words. "Th—Thank you, Derek. That was, um… That means a lot. What you said." She pauses. After a few seconds, she can't help but laugh. "But it was a little harsh, don't you think?"
He smiles, happy to at least be able to draw a bit of a smile out of the heartbroken girl. "I tell it like it is, Little Grey." He adjusts Zola in his arms, looking down at his watch. "And I've gotta go to bed, I'm sorry."
Lexie waves him away, watching as he goes.
"You'll be okay?" He calls from the stairs.
"I'll be okay," Lexie confirms. "Thank you, Derek."
.
She says, "Baby,
it's 3 AM; I must be lonely."
.
Hours and hours later, like a gift from God, the phone rings to distract him from his insomnia. He stares at the lit up screen in the dark, narrowing his eyes against the bright shine. It takes him only a split second to recognize the number. He picks it up without even pausing to think, feeling fear rush through his body.
"Derek?" He asks immediately. "Meredith? Are you okay?"
"It's, um…"
He feels his body clamp up at her voice. The terror dissipates… But he could swear his quickened heartbeat doesn't slow.
"It's not… It's Lexie."
It takes him a few seconds to reply. "Hey, Lex."
"I—I thought you'd be asleep…" Her nervous voice gives her words away as a polite lie. "You're awake?"
"I'm, uh…"He brings a hand to his eyes, trying not to imagine her lying next to him again. Her voice is only fuels his imaginations, and when this call ends, he knows it will be worse than before. "I'm having a hard time sleeping tonight."
"Right."
He can hear the tenseness in her voice, and he frowns. "Is there a reason you called, Lex?"
She laughs nervously on the other side of the phone, and, briefly, he wonders how long she's been awake. As long as me? "I know this is going to sound crazy and ridiculous and you're going to…" She trails off. "Just—would you meet me somewhere?"
Mark's forehead creases in confusion; this is not what he'd been expecting. He shifts his arm out from under him, glancing to his watch. 3:02 AM. "Now?"
"Uhm… Yeah? I—I just, I have something I have to tell you."
He feel his heart pick up double-time, and he once again recalls her words from before. I miss you too. He agrees without even stopping to think, and she sounds relieved as she lays out the parameters. 3: 15, Archfield Hotel, side entrance.
"You remember where that is, right?" She's almost breathless when she asks the question, and he can't help but smile. Immediately, his mind is flooded with memories, recalling the hundreds of times they'd snuck in and out of that concealed entrance together.
"Of course I remember, Little Grey."
.
When she says, "Baby,"
Well, I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes.
And the rain's gonna wash away, I believe it.
.
She beats him there. Though, he thinks to himself as he shuts the driver's door, that's only because you sat inside your car for five minutes after parking. Too scared to stay, too scared to go. Just hopeful enough to get out of the car.
"Hey."
She turns at the sound of his footsteps crossing the wet parking lot; her voice echoes across the empty space. Her hair flips over her shoulder as she does so; he tries not to take notice of how beautiful she looks. But that's hard to do when there's that wide of a smile on her face. His returning one, he's sure, is the same size, if not even bigger.
"Hi," he replies, slowing to a stop just a few feet from her. He chances a quick glance around, pleasantly surprised to see that things look exactly the same as the last time they were here together, which was almost three years ago. God. He closes his eyes at the thought. How has it been that long? And the next thought: How is that we've been apart most of that time? He forces himself to feel guilty for the third, though even he can't feel all bad about thinking it: How is it that we're still apart? Even now?
"So, why'd you call?"
Lexie spares him a small smile, but doesn't answer. Instead, she studies her surroundings as well, taking them in in all their unchanged glory. There's the one hanging bright light, directly above them. The faded blue mat, where only Field Hotel can be read. The worn and rain-soaked ivy curving up the side of the building. The small, single automatic door, leading off into a curving hallway. No security guard, no doorman… If you want to actually do it—and do it right—you need to be alone with him. He's supposed to be the only one staring at you, watching you, waiting to hear what you're going to say… This is something meant for his ears only. Lexie hopes there aren't any security cameras—there are none that she can see—but, she knows, someone is no doubt watching and recording their meeting. She brushes the thought away. No matter what, someone will always be around. Someone will always know.
And suddenly, she just doesn't care anymore. Suddenly, she's more desperate to be close to him than scared of the rejection he might offer her.
"There's something I need to tell you, Mark."
.
She's got a little bit of something,
God, it's better than nothing.
.
He attempts to force his heart to stop trying to beat its way out of his chest. I miss you too. I miss you too. I miss you too. He plasters his usual smirk on his face as he stares at her. "At 3 AM?"
He notices how it seems like she can't help but smile back. "I said it was something I need to tell you, not that it's something I want to tell you."
He can't stop his heart from speeding up this time. "So need equates 3 AM?" He wants to hit himself in the head. What am I even saying?
But she smiles back, undeterred by what can only be an innuendo behind his words. "Uh, yeah, I guess it does. It should've equaled 10 AM this morning, but I couldn't exactly get the words out then."
He takes a moment to breathe. I miss you too. "What words?"
.
Lexie stares at him. She feels the world around her freeze, fade away, and just like Derek said… He's supposed to be the only one staring at you, watching you, waiting to hear what you're going to say...
He's here, Lexie realizes, and it hits her all of the sudden. He's here. At 3 AM, in the dead of night, he's here. He must know what I'm going to say—What other reason is there to call someone at 3 AM? On some level, he must want it too. Oh, God… She feels like crying or laughing or… She bites her lip, forces the hysteria down, and stares into his eyes.
"I'm still in love with you, Mark."
.
In her color-portrait world, she believes she's got it all
.
Mark Sloan feels his breath stop moving on its way to his lungs.
And instead of the world twisting sideways, instead of having everything he'd ever known turned upside-down at her confession… Everything is righted. With those six words, everything returns to its assigned place. All at once, all over, he feels—
"You are?"
She's about to nod—he can see it in the tilt of her head, but instead, she stops mid-gesture and simply replies, "Yes." He can't remember a time where she sounded more confident, more sure of herself.
"And this—" He pauses to breathe. "This wasn't some revelation? This wasn't a sudden spur-of-the-moment I-need-him 3 AM—"
She shakes her head. "No. No, I've…" He feels warmth flood his body when a small smile turns up her lips. "I've known for a long time. I've felt it for a long time, forever, but I just—I couldn't say it. I tried." She groans, closing her eyes. "I mean, God, Mark, I really tried. But I just couldn't. Every time I saw you, every time we spoke…" She shrugs, helpless. "I didn't want to ruin it, you know? We were finally getting back on track and I… I was just too chicken. I couldn't say it."
"But now?" He swallows. "Now you… you can? You can say it?"
She laughs quietly, and her lips spread in a wide smile just like they did yesterday afternoon. I miss you too. "Well, I already did, didn't I? Or did you not hear?"
He grins back. "Oh, I heard."
The both freeze in place for a moment, and suddenly he realizes: this is his moment. This is his time to say something. He has to say something. The right thing.
.
She watches him think. She watches him piece together what he's going to say in his head, she watches as he mouths the words to himself. The minutes pass by, but not once does she think of rushing him. Not once does she tap her foot in anxiety, not once does she sigh impatiently… Because she knows, just as he does, that doing the right thing takes time. It takes commitment.
And they're the right thing. It can't be denied any longer.
So, finally, when he clears his throat…
She feels like it's happening all too fast. She feels like they're rushing things—Hell, she knows they're rushing things. What kind of girl calls an ex-boyfriend at 3 in the morning? And what kind of ex-boyfriend picks up? Why are they both so insane? What is even happening—
No, not insane, a part of her argues softly. Just in love. She still loves him and she can't ignore it anymore. And he… He…
.
She swears the moon don't hang quite as high as it used to
.
Mark hears her draw a breath. He stares at her, waiting a moment for her to catch up. When her brown eyes meet his, he gives her a small nod. Her lips lift just slightly in gratitude.
"Believe it or not," he begins softly, "I still love you too, Lex."
He watches as her lips curl up in a wide smile, before twisting down as she tries to hide the happiness their configuration betrays and finally, her hand comes up to cover her mouth entirely, as if embarrassed for how obviously she shows her happiness. "You mean that?" She whispers around her fingers.
"Of course I meant it." He gives her a small smile. "When have I ever said something I didn't mean?"
He hears her soft, stunned laugh, watches her smile. "I guess I'm the liar in our relationship, it seems."
"As long as you're not lying to me right now, I don't really care if you've done it in the past."
"But you have to care," she replies, more seriously than he'd expected, "because my lies are what kept us apart."
"No offense, Lexie, but I don't really think it would have been a good idea for us to have been together back then." I love you, and I'm always going to love you… But I don't want to love you. "Plus," he continues a moment later, "Only one-third of that statement was a lie." He raises his eyebrows in inquiry, though they both know the answer. "Right?"
Her hand drops, baring her bright smile for all—namely, him—to see. "Right."
"So…" He draws out the word, stepping closer and reaching out for her hand. Her fingers feel warm and her hand is welcoming when he links their knuckles together. "You still love me, I still love you…" He smiles down at her, his blue eyes twinkling. "What are we ever going to do with this unsolvable situation?"
.
And she only sleeps when it's raining
.
She grins at his words, clutching his hand tighter. "I don't know," she murmurs. "All I can think of is…" She glances to the clear-glass door on her right. "Do you know if the Archfield will take room requests at 4 in the morning?"
He can't help but smile. "I, actually, have no idea. Want to find out?"
Lexie nods rapidly; her excitement makes her head bob up and down but she doesn't care enough to be embarrassed about how she looks anymore. Not in front of him, not after what he said. Without a thought, she steps away, tugging on his hand as she heads towards the entrance. When he doesn't immediately follow after her, she tugs a bit harder on his hand, trying to capture his attention.
She feels her heart grow cold and her body numb when he looks down. Oh, God. Oh, Jesus. She can already see the apology in his eyes. Please, no. Please not now. Please, please, please.
"Mark…"
.
And she screams, and her voice is strained
.
He looks over when he hears a weak, cracking sound, surprised to discover that it's emanating out of her mouth. He stares at her in astonishment for a moment before wondering aloud, "What's wrong?"
Her loving demeanor from seconds ago has vanished. All that's left is something cold and hard; unwelcoming and unyielding. "You tell me."
"I… I don't know," he manages, staring at her in incomprehension. He has no idea what he did to deserve this shift in sentiment. "But…I was thinking…"
She sighs, looking down. "Just spit it out already, please."
"We should go in the front door."
Her head snaps up; she looks almost as bewildered as he feels. "Wha… What?"
"The front entrance," he replies, speaking slowly as if she's unable to comprehend his words. "We should go there instead of the side one." They both glance briefly to the door in question. "The side's for luggage and pets and smoke breaks and sneaking around…" He pauses, smiling hopefully and squeezing her hand. "And we're past the sneaking around phase, aren't we?"
.
And she says, "Baby…"
.
She can barely think, she's so relieved. Her hand moves to cover her mouth in astonishment. She steps forward with hope. And she stretches her legs, pressing her lips to his, with love. With I'm-still-in-love-with-you love. With unbreakable love, unshakable love, endless love.
.
"It's 3 AM; I must be lonely."
.
"Do you want to go inside?" He asks softly, not even two seconds after her lips have left his.
She closes her eyes, smiling. "What, you aren't even going to take me to dinner first?"
He grins, chuckling as she falls back to her usual height. "Judging by how our previous encounters have worked out, no, I'm not going to take you to dinner. Let's just get down to business."
"Man-whore," she snickers with a smile.
"Slut."
Her mouth opens wide in fake-outrage and genuine surprise. "How dare you—I am a lady—"
He bends down, silencing her "insulted" laughter with a kiss. This one is slower, deeper, longer… Her free hand reaches up to cup the back of his neck as the kiss goes on and on; while his burrows in her long hair, she sighs into his skin. She stretches so far up on her legs, she's half-worried she'll pull a muscle in her effort to get closer to him. He bends his neck down so harshly to meet her lips as deep as he can that he's certain he'll have an ache come morning…
"Wanna be my lady?" He asks when their lips part. His voice is low and gravelly, somehow coming across as sexy even when joking.
She can't help but roll her eyes at his words, pretending to gag at his words. "You make me want to puke!"
"In a good way or a bad way?" He questions seriously.
"How is there a good way?" she smiles, laughing. Her eye catches his. "Let's just go inside, okay?"
"Okay," he replies, squeezing her hand and leading the way through the dark, rain-slicked parking lot to the shining front entrance.
.
And she says, "Baby, it's 3 AM; I must be lonely."
And, heavens, when she says, "Baby,"
Well, I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes.
And the rain's gonna wash away,
I believe…
this.
.
Author's Note: To be continued…? Please be awesome and leave me a review!